It can be anything

There doesn't have to be a real reason or huge date or anniversary to bring on the tears or emotional breakdown. Today, I was fine. I finally slept good last night and woke up feeling a bit better than I felt when I went to bed last night. However, I'm just standing here working and a song came on and suddenly the tears just came flooding down my face. Thank you Jesus that I am still working from home. These are the moments that make it hard for me to want to return to the office to work. I would so much rather just continue to work from home so when these random moments pop up I can just go with it and get it out of my system and if I need to blog or just cry it out I can do that and move on. I can't do that if I'm in the office. The most I can do if I'm at the office is walk off (if I'm not surrounded by people or in a meeting) and go to my car or walk to the parking lot. The problem with that is I rarely make it to the parking lot without running into several people that want to stop me and talk or see my face and want to know what's wrong. Ugh! I don't want to talk, I want to escape and have my momenet people. I know they don't know they or even understand or get it, but that's another reason it's just easier and better if I can just do my job from home. I shouldn't have to justify this to anyone or everyone, but sadly, that's what it comes down to. They don't understand that and that will never be a reason for anyone to be okay with me working from home full time forever. Sadly, that's just how it's going to be. Even my husband doesn't understand that and while I get it, it doesn't make it any easier. I can't expect them to understand that, how could they. It's just hard and exhausting. I know I don't have to go back to the office just yet until the doctor releases me, but I know this won't last forever. That gives me a different kind of anxiety as I have now worked from home for 14 months and I love it and I get so much more done. I get that people think you have to be physically at the office, I tend to disagree with that, but my vote doesn't count and I get it, but I don't have to like it. I would never want anyone else to know how this feels to fake how you feel when you have to just be "okay" in front of people all day every day at work, but if you could have a glimpse into this life for 24 hours and know what a parent's heart is like when you have lost a child and you have to go on with your life without a manual and a huge part of your heart gone (most of your heart if it was your only child) and you don't know how you can actually survive, let alone be around people and be happy and nice. You would understand the toll it takes on your mind, heart, emotions and body. When I do work from the office all day and I get home I am literally so emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted I feel I have nothing else to give. However, guess what? I have to give more. I have a husband, family, friends and a house to care for and give attention to. It doesn't stop just because I feel like my heart has stopped. Like I said, I would never want another parent to live through this type of pain, but I would like it if there was a way for someone who doesn't know what it's like to be able to take a peak inside so they could at least maybe have an understanding of how hard it is to just put our feet on the floor and take a breath each and every day and regardless how many years it's been, it's never easy and it never goes away. We are just forced to find ways to figure out how to deal with it the best we can and hope that when those random things happen to bring on the floods of tears we can find a quiet place to deal with it and pull ourselves together the best way we know how.