Three Hundred Sixty Five Days

Well, it's been a full year since you were here on this earth. Some days it feels like forever and other days it feels like yesterday. You are missed every minute. There are some days that are harder than others, but having your last day on earth so close to Father's Day seems to make this day a bit more bittersweet. It's a bit hard to truly explain, so I won't even try. Instead, I will just brag on you just a bit. You were one of the happiest man I believe I've ever known. You just didn't let much get to you and as you got older if you did get irritated, all you had to do is call one of the girls and vent and then you were good to go. I just loved that about you. You were a hard worker, but more than that, you were quick to drop whatever you were doing to help anyone that needed it. You loved your family, all of your family. You loved your friends. You loved the ladies. LOL! You were such a social butterfly. I wish I had gotten more of that from you than I did. I didn't get much of that from you. I do believe I got a lot of your traits, but the social piece, not so much, but that's okay. I needed to share some of your traits with the other girls. :) Speaking of your girls. I don't know another daddy that loved his girls quite as much as you did. Your "Stable" as you would refer to us at times were your pride and joy. You loved the boys too, we know that, but us girls is where you really shined. We took care of you and checked on you and made sure that you knew we loved you and we did/do. You loved the Lord and you were loved and respected by all. You never met a stranger and every child that met you called you Bobo. I love that about you. You were the best daddy. You were the greatest Bobo. Lord, did Chad love you. I do not remember one time talking to Chad that he didn't tell me to make sure you were okay so that you were here when he got back from deployment. He was especially worried when he left for Iraq, because he wanted to be sure you were healthy and well enough to be his best man at his wedding. I thought I would go crazy making sure you were taking care of yourself and going to all your appointments and taking all your medication so I could keep my promise to Chad. Sometimes you could be a lot of work. LOL! Oh, and I would be really selling you short if I didn't mention how much you loved animals. Some times we felt like you treated them better than you treated us kids growing up. Heheheheheheee. You did love animals and animals loved you (well, except Fran the Racoon). We all love you so much and miss you so much. I'm doing my best to keep my promise I made to you to keep the family together and for the most part I think we are doing okay or at the very least, like it was. I'm hoping over time things get better, but right now things seem to be a little off kilter if you will. Mostly I believe it's due to just a lot going on with everyone. That's my hope anyway, but regardless, I will continue to do my best to keep that promise. Until then, just know that we are all doing our best to navigate life as we know it right now and we are figuring it out (I think). We miss our call time with you and while there were times you could be "Walter", we loved "Walter" too. You definitely left a lasting impression on every person you ever met and honestly had we not been in the midst of a pandemic when you passed it would have been standing room only at your funeral. There were so many people that wanted to be here for you. You are missed and loved by so many. You truly were not only a freaking genius, but also a legend in your own time. We love and miss you daddy.

Father’s Day 1

Well this is the first Father's Day without actually having a father here on earth. I have to say, it feels very odd. I went to buy Tebo a Father's Day card and literally reached for a Father's Day card for daddy and realized this year I didn't need to do that. Yes, I was sad for a moment and then I remembered he is whole in his mind and body again and then I had a peace come over me. It still doesn't change the fact that daddy isn't here on earth, but he is in heaven with our children and other loved ones that have gone before us. That gives me peace and happiness and more than that, he has control of his mind now and can remember things and people now. That means the world to me.

It can be anything

There doesn't have to be a real reason or huge date or anniversary to bring on the tears or emotional breakdown. Today, I was fine. I finally slept good last night and woke up feeling a bit better than I felt when I went to bed last night. However, I'm just standing here working and a song came on and suddenly the tears just came flooding down my face. Thank you Jesus that I am still working from home. These are the moments that make it hard for me to want to return to the office to work. I would so much rather just continue to work from home so when these random moments pop up I can just go with it and get it out of my system and if I need to blog or just cry it out I can do that and move on. I can't do that if I'm in the office. The most I can do if I'm at the office is walk off (if I'm not surrounded by people or in a meeting) and go to my car or walk to the parking lot. The problem with that is I rarely make it to the parking lot without running into several people that want to stop me and talk or see my face and want to know what's wrong. Ugh! I don't want to talk, I want to escape and have my momenet people. I know they don't know they or even understand or get it, but that's another reason it's just easier and better if I can just do my job from home. I shouldn't have to justify this to anyone or everyone, but sadly, that's what it comes down to. They don't understand that and that will never be a reason for anyone to be okay with me working from home full time forever. Sadly, that's just how it's going to be. Even my husband doesn't understand that and while I get it, it doesn't make it any easier. I can't expect them to understand that, how could they. It's just hard and exhausting. I know I don't have to go back to the office just yet until the doctor releases me, but I know this won't last forever. That gives me a different kind of anxiety as I have now worked from home for 14 months and I love it and I get so much more done. I get that people think you have to be physically at the office, I tend to disagree with that, but my vote doesn't count and I get it, but I don't have to like it. I would never want anyone else to know how this feels to fake how you feel when you have to just be "okay" in front of people all day every day at work, but if you could have a glimpse into this life for 24 hours and know what a parent's heart is like when you have lost a child and you have to go on with your life without a manual and a huge part of your heart gone (most of your heart if it was your only child) and you don't know how you can actually survive, let alone be around people and be happy and nice. You would understand the toll it takes on your mind, heart, emotions and body. When I do work from the office all day and I get home I am literally so emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted I feel I have nothing else to give. However, guess what? I have to give more. I have a husband, family, friends and a house to care for and give attention to. It doesn't stop just because I feel like my heart has stopped. Like I said, I would never want another parent to live through this type of pain, but I would like it if there was a way for someone who doesn't know what it's like to be able to take a peak inside so they could at least maybe have an understanding of how hard it is to just put our feet on the floor and take a breath each and every day and regardless how many years it's been, it's never easy and it never goes away. We are just forced to find ways to figure out how to deal with it the best we can and hope that when those random things happen to bring on the floods of tears we can find a quiet place to deal with it and pull ourselves together the best way we know how.

Never did I ever...

Never did I ever think I would go and get a tattoo. Especially since I spent most of Chad's life telling him I didn't want him getting one and he ended up with seven. However, this past Friday afternoon that's exactly what Tebo and I did. I would have loved to have had Chad's finger prints in the shape of a heart, but his hands were apparently too damaged in the accident that we couldn't get his finger prints. I decided I would take one of his letters from boot camp and have his signature placed on my left shoulder blade behind my heart with angel wings. That's where I carry him all the time anyway so why not. So there you have it. Something I thought I would never do, I went and did.

Personal Struggles

If you know me and if you are someone other than my sister and are not close family, you likely do not know. I've thought about this a very long time as I have never been very comfortable sharing my health issues with others as most are embarrassing, but more than that, I've felt this tug at my heart that there could be others out there having some of the same issues that could either help me understand what might be really going on or someone out there that just knowing someone else is dealing with this make them not feel alone. It's not like I have any type of life or death illness. Instead it is a lifetime maintenance for some and others that just cause me issues or pain that some I can do something about and others I just have to wait for healing or maybe something I will deal with the rest of my life. Some really nice options, huh? If you are in any one or all these situations, you know the frustrations and helplessness. What's worse if you are unfortunate enough to have doctors that aren't taking you seriously or don't seem to care enough to keep searching for answers. I hope that isn't the case for you. That has been the case for me in the past. Currently I do have a great group of doctors. That doesn't mean there are times that my husband and I haven't considered going to the Mayo clinic, but right now we feel pretty confident that the things that can be controlled are being controlled and the others are at least being monitored. So to give you some details, here we go. Here is you disclaimer... If you feel this might be TMI, you are welcome to stop here and excuse yourself. My feelings will not be hurt, trust me. So lets just go back when symptoms (several)began. In high school (years will remain annonomous for obvious reasons)I began having fainting spells that were usually brought on by stomach pain. It's not like it was excruciating as far as pain goes, but it was enough to just cause me to pass out (can you imagine the embarrassment that brings to a girl in high school?). Well, a lot! Also, I only had one monthly period one time and that didn't start until I was in the 9th grade and it was barely spotting and I never had another one for one full year and again, just spotting. I didn't know any better at the time (as I never thought to ask) that I was only to wear a pad during the time I was having an active period, so I just wore it 24/7 365. Needless to say, apparently only spotting once a year (if even once a year) was not normal. Once I started with the fainting and then finally told my daddy about my periods he was quick to ask if I had talked to my bonus mom about this (I lived with them at the time). I said, no sir. He said I think you need to. So, I did. She immediately made me my first appointmnent of many with a gynocologist. I have to give kudos to Dr. John O. Gayden M.D. as he was wonderful with me and determined I had a pretty advanced stage of Endodemetriosis and I had several procedures. I continued to see him throughout my late teens and once I got married. When I was around 18 years of age he explained that it was very unlikely that I could get pregnant. This was before I ever got married, but I had been dating my high school sweetheart since the beginning and honestly was convinced we were going to get married and live happily ever after. Once I got that news and we discussed it several times, it was no time and he ended up "hooking up" with someone else and I was devasted. I thought, well, here I am heartbroken number one and now I am single and what man would want a woman who can't have children. Back then it was a bit different than today, it was likely a deal breaker. I guess in my case, that was true. Anyway, I ended up somehow meeting someone else later and we dated and got married and he didn't seem to mind that I couldn't have children and I thought great. Well, I had issues with my Endodemtriosis and had to have another procedure and he informed me that I had 6 to try and get pregnant and if it didn't happen I would need a complete hysterectomy. At this point I had reserved myself to just get the surgery and be done. I had already been told since I was 15 years old that I would likely never be able to have children so to me that decision was decided a long time ago. Now I was almost 21 and I was resigned to the idea, however, do to my age and the fact that I had never had any children and I was married, I had to have my husband's consent to get the surgery (really?). Well, in a moment you will find the "comedy of this) he said no! He said he wanted to try to have a child. Well, let me stop here and just say that I was very close to my grandmother on my daddy's side and she was a very Godly and a never ceasing praying woman. She always told me that I couldn't go through life without having a child. It just wans't right in her mind for me not to have a child. She was pretty addiment about that fact. So to say the least, she began praying. Wouldn't you know, three months in and I was pregnant. We were living in my grandmother's garage apartment while we waited on our trailer house to be delivered and set up. Oh did I mention my cousin, Mark, was living with us in this 2 room garage apartment at the time and I was working 2 jobs at the time? I wouldn't trade it for anything as I loved Mark with all my heart and my daddy and family were around the corner 2 blocks away and grandmother was just downstairs. Well, to make a long story short, I had lots of complications and we didn't find out the sex during pregnancy and not sure we could have for the mere fact he just didn't grow. I had an ultrasound either every two weeks and sometimes every week. I was in the doctors' office more than I was at home it felt like. Dr. Gayden took excellent care of myself and my baby. He scheduled my C-Section and asked me to pick a date in May that I would like. He said, I want to take this baby early as I do not want you going into labor. He gave me a few dates and one was May 25, 1988 and I said that's the date. May 25th is the date I graduated high school and it was my best friends; (since 9th grade) husband's birthday. The morning of the 25th I got up, showered, straightened up the house and drove myself to the hospital. Dr. Gayden prepared me for a very tiny baby and to understand that we might night be able to take him home right away. Well, apparently this baby would prove a lot of people wrong many times in life starting at birth. Shocked as I could be (for the first time with this baby) it was a boy and he weighed 7 Lbs. 11 oz. and was 21" long. We were all shocked. They immediately put me under and started surgery, but I began to hemmorage too badly so they cut, burned and tied my tubes until I could get back in 6 months and they could perform a complete hysterectomy. Needless to say, I felt better and was super busy with a 6 month old so I put it off until 6 years later things got really bad and it was pre-cancerous and I had no choice but to have the surgery. Best thing I could have ever done. I didn't know how bad I felt so long until I finally felt good with that surgery. Then comes a new issue. I got to where I was having a hard time eating. I never was a great eater. It's like when I would eat a little bit I would hurt so bad and some times the cramping and discomfort would last for days and some times weeks at a time. On top of that I had terrible back pain that started up shortly after that. My new back doctor gave me muscle relaxers to help with spasms thinking that was the main cause and I went on my way. I was on this medication for a couple of years when all of a sudden sitting at my desk at work I began to cramp again, but this one was different. If I stood it hurt like I couldn't breathe. If I sat, well, I really couldn't sit. Then I felt nauseous. I thought it I could get to the bathroom and lay on the cold floor I would feel better. I made it there once, but I couldn't get comfortable and then struggled to get up. Then I was worried I needed to get back to work. I get to my desk and suddenly stood to ask someone to cover me and next thing I know I"m face down on the floor again. Then suddenly they have me in the back and ordering an ambulance and I'm on my way to the ER. Turns out the pain was due to an ulcer that perforated. Due to a salad (that I sadly blamed for my stomach pain) layed across the hole and basically saved my life until they could get me to the hospital. I had emergency surgery and was good as new just now I had to avoid over eating and certain medications. I did pretty good until several years later and I suddenly started having issues eating again. I would eat and start throwing up or have the other issue that me and my sisters just can "Rita". This went on for several years. My daddy gave me grief (even in hihgh school) that I had an easting disorder or that I just wanted to be skinny. Trust me, there would be far easier and less painful ways of doing that I'm sure. That couldn't be further from the truth. Well, I went to multiple doctors and no answers and then my son passed away while serving in Afghansitan. Once any doctor from that news they just blamed it on grief. Do you know it took almost 2 years or more and me on a liquid diet and getting nearly 80 Lbs. before we finally found a family doctor, Jefferey Bearden, MD. in Springdale, AR, (we chose not to mention Chad) who really listened and decided to send me to a Gastroenterologist, Sidney Vinson, MD. Fayetteville, AR, to finally start narrowing down what the issues was. Once he realized something was obstructing my duodenum (this is where all your food passes through and you absorb all your nutrients after multiple procedures, he referred me to a surgeon, Stehpen Wood, MD. This man had only heard of this, but he saved my life. When he got in there he determined this was something I was likely born with. I had a webbing over my duodenum and over the years it had just gotten thicker and only had a dimple in it so no food was passing through and barely the liquids. In short I was starving to death. If it had first not been for my husband who was extremely on top of everything and insistant that someone take me seriously and took such good care of me and finally finding doctors that didn't want to chalk it up to grief (even though these issues were happening well before Chad ever enlisted into the Military) I would not be here right now. As if that wasn't enough, at some point a few years ago I got pneumonia and got treated for it, but the medication actually made 2 ulcers at my surgery spot (that I didn't know I had) start bleeding and again, at work, I stood up thinking if I could get to the bathroom and lay on the cold floor I would feel better, but as soon as I stood, bam, face first to the floor. The poor guys I worked with weren't sure what to do. I think I scared them to death. Anyway, after many blood transfusions and moves to a different hospital and again a very determined husband, I survived again. Fast forward to 2020 at Christmas as we were just finally able to travel due to COVID we go to Key West, FL and while we did our part to wear our masks, FL did not have the same restrictions that we experienced here in AR so needless to say we get home in January and Tebo and I both come down with COVID. For 2 weeks we were pretty miserable. That 3rd week on a Friday night I got up in the night to go to the restroom (just wait, you hit a certain age and you will be peeing during the night too) and like several times prior, my legs just went out from under me like someone took a broom and swept them right from underneath me. I hit the tile floor in the bathroom and landed first on my tailbone and then the back of my head. Tebo said he heard it echo in the bedroom. He jumped up not knowing if he would find me in a pool of blood or what. Well, luckily (I think) there was no blood, but I had a pump knot the size of a softball coming out of the back of my head. He held a bag of frozen peas on the back of my head all night while he said I sobbed. I have no memory of anything for at least the next 4 to 7 days after that. I don't even remember getting out of bed to go to the restroom. Anyway, that Saturday he said I called the after hours doctor's office number and left a message and we walked our land we planned to purchase and had family dinner on Sunday and then Monday morning the doctor called and said I needed to report to the ER. Tia picked me up and Tebo met us there and they did a CT scan where they saw the swelling and bruising on my brain and my broken tailbone. They have changed the protocal for concussions now. Today they want you to sleep as much as you can. Right, completely opposite than we were always told. Tebo brought me home and I literally slept for 4 days and he woke me only to eat and go to the bathroom, but other than that I slept in Chad's room, because it was dark, quiet and cold. That fall took place January 21st in the middle of the night and I am still struggling. I think I could handle the tailbone far better, but this head stuff is wearing me out. I'm still dizzy a lot, feel like I'm in a fog, the headaches are ridiculous some (well most) days, my short term memory is still a big struggle and there are still days that my face gets very numb and the right side feels like it is drawing/pulling down. It's very scary and frustrating. The neurologist says I could be months or up to a year before I start feeling "normal" again. That's just fantastic. So prior to this latest fall in January my primary doctor suspected I could potentially have MS or Neuropathy. There are no other family members on either side in my family that have either of these diagnosis. The neurologist believes that migrains and years of them is what is causing the weakness in my legs and the numbness in my fingers tips and toes. I don't know if anything of this is true. I just know the symptoms I have. I've considered a 2nd opinion with a new neurologist, but trying to get through this concussion first and I'm not completely against going to Mayo Clinic, but would like to take the lesser route first and would also like to get into our retirement home before adding on any other debt to us until we see where we are with all that first before adding more medical bills to us. If you are reading this and have had any issues that sound anything like this I would appreciate any feedback. At the very least if you are a praying person, I would appreciate all the prayers I can get to make a full recovery from this concussion and start feeling back to some normalcy soon. Please and thank you.

Not only tired

I'm not only tired. I'm exhausted. Not even in a an exhausted like I can just go to bed early and wake up and feel refreshed kind of tired. It is a kind of exhaustion that can't be explained with words or even an understanding by anyone unless you are a parent who has lost a child. Yes, I get it, my blogs sound like a broekn record and if it does I would suggest just not reading them any longer. The reason I say that is because that is how I will likely always feel and unless there is something else going on that is what is always on my heart (my son). My heart, mind, emotions, you name it, they are all tired. I find myself feeling aggitated on a regular basis these days and if you know me at all, you know that is not me. Trying to stay focuses or even excited about anything right now is a struggle. I try my best to keep this as quiet and private as possible, but I am sure I'm doing less than pefect at managing this. I really don't want a lot of people I am close to even knowing how I'm feeling. There is no particular reason for that other than maybe not wanting pity or the attention, I just like to keep that part of me close to the chest. If I do need to get something off my chest I know I can reach out to my sister, Paige, but for the most part I either blog here or just deal with it quietly. That could be why I'm usually tired, but that's really the only way I know or feel comfortable dealing with those emotions. I have often been told that grief has no timeline and honestly I've not really considered that I was still grieving, but maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Whatever I'm still doing it just is what it is and I'm pretty sure it's here to stay for however long it takes or forever. I know one thing for sure, it has changed me forever. I will never be the person I was prior to losing my child. I will never be "okay" again. I will figure out how to manage a bit better, but there are going to still be those days that I fail and some days I fail miserably. All I can do, is the best I can do each day. I'm at least trying. I guess that's really all I can really do.

I've tried....

You know, I've truly tried to stay out of this and not make a comparison and certainly try to stay out of all the politics of it all, but I've just about had about all I can take and I guess since this is my own personal blog I can share my own personal opinions and if you don't agree or like it you can stop reading or stop following me any ole time you would like. I am the first one to say that all lives matter. Absolutely 100% agree with that. Here is the issue I have. We have spent a FULL YEAR focused on one man, who was obviously not following the law to the fullest extent or likely would not have found himself on the wrong side of it. Now, let me first say, I'm truly sorry a man lost his life at whomever was at fault so I don't want it to think that no one was "not" at fault here, but I don't think it was soley the police officer(s) fault either. What has a bug up my crawl if you will is the fact that we have now spent a full year talking about the death, sad as it is, of this man and there were a few hours that I can remember where any type of media (mostly local) that covered the death (KILLING) of my son in Afghanistan who was protecting ALL citizens AND not to mention, trying to help the civiilians of the Afghan people who are not active participants of the Taliban. My son isn't the only one that has lost his life doing this heroic act of patriotism. Sadly, we are still continuing to lose our service men and women in combat and even once they return home and the visions and memories of combat never leave them end up causing them their lives. How many times or even how often to you here the media and others a full year later "celebrating" these mean and women's lives? HMMMMMM.... I didn't think so! This man, as sad as it is he had to lose his life, was obviously not complying with the law enforcement comands, had a history of drug use and if I'm not mistaken (I could be remembering incorrectly) had drugs in his system that faithful night. Now there are multiple police officers' lives that will never be the same (regardless of prison time or not), because I know any time they have to resort to making a snap decision to take the life of anyone based on individual case by case sitiuations is not only difficult, but one that sticks with them forever. However, you have people/groups that chose to crucify these officers regardless what the perpetrator may or may not have been doing or what threat the officers felt they were in at the time. It just amazes me. What amazes me more is the attention these few situations get when there are so many more real innocent lives are lost on the battle field or because of the battle field that barely have their name mentioned let alone have so much media attention or heaven forbid a National Day declared in their name (watch, that will be next). Well, guess what? My son did make a decision on his own to enlist and fight for our freedom. Yes, I get that comment quite often sadly, but that's okay. They are right, he knew what he was getting into (kind of). Technically he was told he wouldn't have to see combat since he was a single child and then once he went to Iraq, because he was also told (well, technically I was told) that if he chose to stay behind while his unit deployed that it would be made very hard on him. However, once he went to Iraq he was told he really didn't have to go on this 2nd deployment since he did go to Iraq and he was an only child, but he couldn't let his unit go since he was the radio operator because he couldn't live with himself if something happened to one of his guys and he wasn't there to help them. So yes, he signed up and put his life on the line, but he was 19 years old and when you have a recruiter telling you that you won't have to deploy to war and then you get close to a group of guys that become your family away from home and you are trained to have their back you go. So did he really understand the true consequences of deployment and what that could ultimately mean for him personally? NO! I do not think so! So for those of you that have told me or anything other Gold Star family that, shame on you. That has to be the coldest and most disrespectful thing you could say to us. don't you think we already know that shit? They did it for the greater good, certainly not for themselves. I'm just saddned that someone with a criminal past or using drugs or obviously not obeying the law and sadly ends up hurt or worse gets so much press and attention and has people rallying around them when we have these innocent young men and woment out there fighting for the right for all these people to do what the hell they want to do getting no recognition or hell, even a proper thank you! There are actually groups out there smitting on our fallen and protesting their funerals. Yeah, how do you think that makes Gold Star families feel? They have already been broken in ways most will never (hopefully) know, but yet there are people that think this type of behavior should be allowed. You have groups holding riots and some violent protets over different mistreatments or deaths by police officers (not saying all deaths by police officers are justified, there are definitely those that are not), but where are you when our service men and women are being killed by terrorist and are brought home to their final resting place? Where are you when these other radical groups are trying to protest their funerals or burning OUR American flags? I hope this gives someone a moment to pause and just think about this injustice. There is a huge imbalance in this world today. So for me on May 25th every year, I will be "celebrating" what would be my son's birthday instead of recognizing the person who sadly passed away while trying to be arrested by police for whatever presumed crime he allegedly committed.

Friend or Foe

How do you know when someone is truly a friend or a foe? I've struggled most of my life with this question. Friends aren't always non-family or blood related. You can have friends that are family or blood related that you struggle with are they truly a friend or foe. Yes, they will always be family, but they don't necessarily have to be a friend. I'm the type of person that always believes everyone is good and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and sadly it can take multiple disappointments for me to get the message that they are doing me wrong. Once a person has wronged me enough and I feel I am done, trust me, I am done. I'm feeling a bit sad by a couple of "friends" that feel very much like "foes" right now and I really don't want that and I'm hoping they can restore that "friend" feeling, but honestly I'm getting really close to being "done". I don't want that and I would hope they don't want that either. I'm pretty certain they are both very aware of how much I can be done when I hit that point and I would hope they don't want that to happen, but that choice is on them. I can only be a door mat or a whipping boy for so long and then I have to walk away. It takes a lot for me to get to this point, but trust me, I'm dangerously close to that point and if things don't change and change soon it will be too late. I will be at that breaking point and that will be it for me. I love deeply and to my core. If you breech that love with hurt enough, it is so hard to get that back and once you do, if you do, it is hard to get it back to where it was (if it ever does). I have a tendency to keep you at arms' length after that to protect my heart. I wish I wasn't like that, but if you get me to that point then that is on you, because when I love you and bring you into the fold, I love you deeply and forever until that love is broken and like I mentioned, it takes a lot and you get lots and lots of changes with me. Some might say I'm a slow learner or a push over with the chances I give and maybe I am and maybe I just want so badly to believe if I forgive and keep giving chances that person will change and see what they are doing or have done, but sadly I'm not seeing that. Here is another thing, please don't go to church or preach it on social media and then treat or talk about people or even talk to people like you do that is un-Christ like. You are doing more harm than you might think. You aren't necessarily hurting me with this as I have my relationship with the Lord, but you do not know the other people around you that are wittnessing your actions and the hypocracy that you are hurting their chances of having a potential relationship with the Lord as they are like, well, if this is how Christians are then why should I bother? It is not my place to judge and that is not what I'm trying to do. I'm speaking from my heart from what I am personally experiencing and how I am personally being treated and have been treated for quite some time now and I am personally tired of it and I truly do not believe I have done anything to deserve this treatement. I am taking what life I do have left since I feel so dead inside since losing my baby boy back and I refuse to allow these people or any to come in the future to continue to treat me like this. Friends/Family/Foe, whomever it might be, you do not have the right to treat me or anyone else less than a good person and especially if you want to get up on social media and/or in church and portray yourself as a Christian to go out in the world and talk about someone ugly or mistreat another person especial if you consider them family or friends anything less than family or a friend. Shame on you if this applies to you. If you have made someone you supposedly love or that person was or is under the impression that you love them or they love you and you have made them feel that way I sure hope you make things right before it's too late. That person whether it is me or someone else could truly be DONE or gone from this earth and then what will you do or how would you feel? Give yourself a moment to give that some thought and if you feel compelled to make some things right, I encourage you to do the right thing. If you don't, then good for you for always being a great friend instead of a foe. This world needs more of you.

How do I say this?

I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel. You would be 33 years old now if you were still here and it's been 11 1/2 years since you were on this earth. Life has moved on for everyone, well, except me. Mine has moved on, but not like others. I've had no choice, but let mine move on, but there are more days than not that mine just goes with the motions. Most days I don't have lots of feelings other than numb. I do feel sad on the inside and I feel anxious a lot, but mostly, I just feel sad. I guess another way to describe how I feel would be empty. It's a different kind of empty. I don't really know the best way to describe that either. I have people that fill space in my heart. Tebo, the kids, your buddies, of course family and now that sweet little Cohen, but it's a different type of fullness if that makes any sense at all (which I'm sure makes very little sense). Yes, they all serve a purpose and without them I would really be lost. However, the space you took up in my heart when you were here on earth can never be filled with anyone except by you. You were the best thing I ever did in my life. You were perfect and even when I wasn't sure what the heck I was doing when I brought you home from the hospital, you were still perfect. I don't know how you turned out to be such a great person despite all we went through, but somehow you did. I could not be more proud of you! You were the most amazing young man and as a momma bear there is nothing I wouldn't have done for you. Chad, if I could go back to December 2, 2010 and had the opportunity to do so, I would have been in formation in Helman Province in Afghanistan and I would have been the one to step on that IED instead of you. I would have taken that hit for you. I had lived my life, you had not yet. You deserved better and I had a chance to step in and just say, just tell them no son. You asked me and while I told you I would support you regardless of your decision, I do wonder at times if I had just said don't go, would have you stayed. There is a bigger part of me that believes you would have gone regardless, but this momma's heart does tend to wonder at times if I had just said no would you have made a different choice. I know I can't second guess my answer to you that day and honestly if I had it to do over again I'm not sure my answer to you would have been any different. However, feeling like I do today makes me wonder if maybe I would have given you different advice. I'm just feeling sorry for myself today and missing you like crazy. I can't blame it on one little thing. I have these moments every day, but today I was flooded with those feelings and I just needed to get it off my chest. Yesterday was yet another Memorial Day we had to struggle through without you and while I refuse to look at social media on certain days (that one being especially one I avoid) it doesn't change the fact that I know what that days is about and that it is here. I refused to go to the cemetery, because it was packed with people and I just do not like to go when there are tons of people there. I had been there on your birthday and I will go one day this week (if we get a break in the rain). It really doesn't matter what day/date it is, you are missed by me 24/7 365 if I am breathing. I hate that you aren't here. I hate that I am still here without you. I don't say this often (other than just in my head), but it's not fair. It's not fair that I get to continue on this earth and you don't. You had so much life ahead of you and I know you would have done amazing things. As for me, I'm stuck in this fog and weird place that I don't believe I will ever be able to get out of so is that really living? I mean, really, am I living? If I'm not really living then why take you instead of me? It would have been easier for you to accept having to bury a parent than it is for me to accept having to bury my son. I will never understand that son. I miss you. That statement couldn't be more of an understatment, but it's the only one I have. I love you son. Until we are reunited again. Love, Momma bear.