One Mom's Journey: I don't love you like I used to....

Our Wedding at the Venetian on the Gondola (hence why we are renewing our vows in Italy)

Family pictures - last Christmas we had change (2009)

Cruise time with our kids (Candi, Nathan, & Tia) Trevor didn't get to join.

Family picture with Grand Baby #1

Our first cruise

Russell Dickerson has a song "I don't love you like I used to". That is so true for Tebo and myself. I actually love him more today and every day that goes by. I loved him with my whole heart when we got married, but it was more of a "feeling". Today it's a deeper love.

You might wonder what the heck I'm talking about. Well, I'm going to explain that.

We hadn't been married no time and my grandmother passed away on Christmas Eve. I was so broken hearted. We were so close and anyone in our family would tell you, I am just like her (I'm okay with that). I spent several months saying "I need to call grandmother" every Saturday, because that was our routine. I would call her every Saturday even when she went to the nursing home or was in the hospital when she could talk. When she passed away I struggled, but he was right there to hold my hand or give him one of his amazing hugs when I would fall apart.

Then the unthinkable happened only 5 years into our marriage (almost to the day), I lost my only child in Afghanistan. He was my heart and we were so close. I was devastated. I think I still am. I could cry just typing these words. Not only has he supported me, but he has handled the entire thing with the most grace I've ever seen. So much compassion. He was hurting just as I was, but he was able to compartmentalize his feelings so he could be there for me. It was bad. I couldn't hear the doorbell ring without falling apart. I hated, no despised, having to return to the office, but had no choice. Then we sold our house and just as we were closing I couldn't do it. I had never moved to a place since I gave birth to Chad without him. I didn't know how to go forward. He gently showed me I could do this and he could not have been more gentle and compassionate about it.

To give you an example of how fragile my emotions about my son even after over 9 1/2 years (yes, December 1, 2020 will be 10 years I've not had my precious son on this earth). We were at our favorite Sushi place in Bentonville and our favorite Sushi Chef, Mandy, said, "I've been working on some new rolls, would you like to try the one tonight". Well, of course we said yes and she presented it and said, "it's called the happy Chad". I completely fell apart. I mean uncontrollable falling apart and weeping to the point I cried myself to sleep that night. It was the "happy Chad", not the "gone Chad", but I couldn't get my emotions in check.

It didn't help that weeks earlier one of my dearest friends lost her only child (also a son) and our lives have truly always been parallel. She was a single mom for a very long time just as I had been. She had recently gotten married to her long time (I mean a really long time, they beat me and Tebo) and she fell apart as well. She is only in year 2 so for her it really is raw. Tebo mention the night after my "Happy Chad" melt down that I had digressed back to December 1, 2010 when I learned of her losing her son. He was right. It put me right back there. I didn't even realize it until he pointed it out.

He supports me even at my worse. He has seen me sick and made sure I got the help I needed to survive and is the best nurse when I am sick. He always make feel like I am his first priority.

He graciously welcomed daddy into the house (he had Dementia & Alzheimer's) to care for him and was right there when we had to say good-bye to him.

I've told him I didn't want to live any longer (not suicidal), just wouldn't care if I got sick and died or was in an accident. That's how badly my heart was hurting/breaking every time I took a breath (it still does). He never waivered. I'm sure that was very difficult for him to hear/know. I hate I ever made him feel like that, but that is truly what and how I feel. It's hard living life without your child. It's not normal to out live your child/children. I feel broken and then I feel guilty, because I feel like he doesn't have all of me any longer. I guess in ways he doesn't as my heart isn't whole any longer and never will be.

I couldn't bare the idea of "Mother's Day" so he decided we would celebrate "Tebo's wife's week". He still does that to this day.

He gives me space when I'm having "one of those days" and holds me on the days when that's all I need to get through the next few minutes. I don't have to ask, he just does it.

It feels to me like he can see clear through to my soul and that is an amazing feeling. I fall very short showing him the same things he shows me. That makes me sad, because I do love him so much. Just like the song says, I don't love him like I used to. I love him MORE.... I love him so much more that we are going to renew our wedding vows while we are in Italy in April 2021.

I just pray that one day he knows just how much I love him and how much I appreciate him. I truly found a diamond in the rough and I feel like all the journeys he and I have been on prior to meeting was so we could be together now and especially for me to have him when I was at my lowest.

There is just so much to say about this man that I can't get it all in a blog or it would take you weeks to read it. He has not only blessed me with his love, but with his children (my bonus kids) and our family continues to grow as our girls have gotten married, we have a beautiful granddaughter with possibly more to come (ssshhhh). All Chad's buddies both from high school and the Marine Corps keep in touch with us and allow us to be adoptive G'Bo and Ammy to their babies. I assure you had I not had him I wouldn't be here today (not to suicide, but of a broken heart and not taking care of myself when I was so gravely ill twice now).

He likely won't read this, because I get a bit wordy, but by chance he does see this.... Babe, I told you in 2005 that you had my whole heart and you do. It might have a huge hole in it now, but it's all still yours now and forever. I love you with all my heart and I always will and I would marry you every time you ask, just so you know.