The Human Heart

I am always amazed at how such a fragile organ can work as hard as it does and continues even in the most distressed times in life.
God definitely created the human heart in the image of losing his only begotten son.  Only a parent who has lost a child would know how remarkable to make this organ, because I truly do not know how mine continues to beat when with every breath I feel it breaking.  At times the feeling is literally physical pain which often times is followed by an overwhelming rush of tears that come crashing in like rough tidal waves in the ocean before a large storm.  This sometimes happens in my sleep, but also happens when I'm wide awake.  At times there are triggers like anniversary dates, birthdays, holidays, etc.  Other times I cannot point to any one thing that would trigger that pain and those emotions.  It just happens.  How I deal with it, well, that is on me. 
When I have those moments, I try really hard to only give myself the one day or moment and then the next day try to pull myself up and push through.  Some days this works and some days it takes more, but I don't have a choice, but to keep trying each day until the good Lord decides my work here on earth is done and he calls me home to be reunited with my sweet Chadman.  My prayer, "Lord,  please let it be sooner than later".  However, I would never want daddy to have lived what is likely nearly 80 years and then out live one of his children.  I don't want him to know the pain of that, so, maybe at least wait until he is there and then I can be ready any time.  I know it doesn't work that way, but wouldn't it be nice if you could put that order in like that.
I have a precious friend that is coming up on her only child's 2nd anniversary of when he passed and she is still struggling as well.  She is in a little better place, or will be soon, because she is going to get to retire from work and not have to put that face on every day and pretend everything is okay.  It is exhausting.  I think I wouldn't be near as exhausted every day if I could just be home and take care of things here and not have this "fake" face every day.  Until that time comes I will continue doing what I'm doing, but I am tired.