Grateful

I know I've said it many times before and I will likely say it many times again, but I am so grateful for my husband.  He has always taken care of me from day one of being married and he has been the rock of this family that he has needed to be.  Sometimes he is taken for being rough around the edges, but he really isn't.  He is very protective of his family and definitely of me.  He will do whatever he can to protect me from any harm or sadness if it is within his power to do so.  Sometimes it's a bit much for me, but when I feel that way I stop and remember that he is only protecting his wife and then I can usually put things into perspective.
We are definitely complete opposites when it comes to forgiveness and seeing people for what they really are at times.  I tend to always give a person the benefit of the doubt where he is typically suspicious until they prove him differently.  I don't hold grudges and he does.  We definitely balance each other out when it comes to certain aspects of our personalities. 
There are those that don't understand and think he is a hard ass and for that I make no apologies.  His intentions are always good and pure, especially when it comes to our family.  He does not like to see me hurt or upset, so he will do whatever he can to protect me from that.  I love that about him even if I wish he could have a more forgiving heart, he is who he is and I will make no apologies for that.  He is the man that has and continues to help me put one foot in front of the other when many times I was ready to give up and just stay in bed.  It takes a very strong and loving man to stand by while he watches his wife lose her only child.  He has been that man for me.  If that wasn't enough, he is also the man who opened our home to move daddy in and take care of him and this situation is NOT for the faint of heart.  It is hard and it takes up a lot of time (my time away from my husband for sure) and it disrupts your entire life and lifestyle as we knew it before and he does that without complaining.  That's the kind of man he is. 
I am no different than anyone else, sometimes I have a tendency to forget to let him know how grateful I am because I get caught up in being tired and busy taking care of the house, daddy, and work that I feel I sometimes take it for granted that he is just going to always be here.  My bad!
I know he knows that I love him, but I need to do a better job of showing him how grateful I am to him and how much I appreciate all he has done, given up, put up with, and handles since he said I do December 10, 2005.  I'm very fortunate and grateful, I just need to be better at letting him know that.



In 35 days

In just 35 days you would have turned 32 years old.  I cannot believe this year will mark 10 years (10 YEARS!) since you left this earth.  I cannot explain how terribly sad I feel on the inside to this very day and likely for the rest of my life.  I miss everything about you and saying I have a very broken and un-fixable heart is a true understatement.
There isn't a moment that goes by that I'm not missing you and long to hug you, kiss your forehead, and just talk to you about your day and what is going on.  I miss all of that.  I even miss you just sitting quietly or sleeping in the oddest positions ever.  I miss it all and I know I will never not feel this way.
Yes, I get up each day and do my work and take care of my responsibilities even when I don't want to, but that doesn't mean I'm okay.  I'm not okay and I never will be okay until we are reunited again.
I know you will see BoBo and he will see you before I do and that does make me feel a little jealous for me, but happy for you and BoBo. 
The days seem so long most days, because if I am breathing, I am missing you and feel so sad and broken hearted and long to see you again.  I don't know when that time will come, but there are days (lots of days) that I wish it were sooner than later.  I know there is nothing I can do about the timing, I get that, but I sure wish I had a choice. 


I love you son and I will miss you and grieve for you until the day I see you again. 



Fear

Fear is a very debilitating emotion.  Right now I am fearful for my sister.  She is battling breast cancer right now.  She has completed 2 full chemo treatments and is on her last (praying) week of radiation, but today she is sick.  It started out with her stomach hurting and very tired, but then she started vomiting.  She is very uncomfortable with her skin due to the radiation and this isn't helping.  She was supposed to get her implants six months after radiation.  I just pray this doesn't set her back in her treatment plan.
To add insult to injury we are all in the midst of this COVID 19 pandemic and her husband isn't allowed into the hospital where she is right now.  The nurse is being good about keeping him up to date on what they are doing/planning, but that's all he knows right now.  As of now they aren't saying they will be admitting her, but they are going to run some tests.  I'm not sure what is going on, but please, if you are reading this right now please pray for her.  She has been fighting this cancer so well with very little complaining or set backs.  I hate knowing she has come this far and is having these troubles now.  I know she is scared of not knowing what is going on, scared this could delay the treatment plan, scared because of COVID, and scared that her husband, family, and friends may not get to see her if they keep her in the hospital.  It's a scary time for many, but right now her plate is a bit too full of fear and unknowns.  Thank you in advance for your prayers.
Sister, you've got this!  You haven't come this far not to kick cancers' ASS!  Love you.



Oh Face Book!

Well, it happened.  I finally really lost my mind.  I decided it would be a good idea to help daddy get a Face Book page set up so he could stay connected with family and friends and to keep his mind busy and exercised a little besides just watching "Heartland".  Yes, Heartland is a great show and I love it, BUT!  When you see each episode 1,400 times and he sees them all with you, but each time is the first time he has seen it, it makes it very difficult to listen to it all day every day.  So, yes, FB might have been a little selfish on my side to have a change in what I hear, but I do think he could always gain from working his little brain and seeing familiar faces is always good for the mind, body, and soul.
However, have you ever met someone that didn't even know how to work a mouse?  I was worried for a moment there that he would try to find a mouse trap and hook it up.  LOL!  He is a hoot.  He did love seeing pictures of family and friends he hasn't seen in person in a very long time.  He hasn't grasped the concept of it yet and he cannot navigate to different scenes, but I set up his home office next to mine (since we are working from home due to COVID 19) so I can help him as he gets used to it.  He is amazed at all the people he can see.  He has been cracking me up. 
Honestly, his interested lasted maybe 10 minutes and he said he was tired and sat in his chair and literally dosed off.  Luckily it was close to lunch time so I made him some chicken noodle soup with crackers and he ate then off to bed for a nap. 
I am hoping an afternoon nap will help "Walter" stay away tonight.  Last night was NOT a good night to say the very least.  He was hurtful and mean, but lucky for me he can usually only stay up until about 8:00 pm so 8:00 straight up he went to bed and I may or may not have done a happy dance down the hall back to the living room.  (oops)
We will see how the whole Face Book thing goes and if it gives him a little happiness and connection then I will call it a success.  I never want him to feel lonely and miss people and he is such a social butterfly (or hornet depending on the day) so hopefully this will help with some of that.

Now, as long as folks don't get upset that he doesn't interact back and forth with them we are golden, but if he can't work the mouse very well yet can you imagine him trying to type a reply.  LOL....  I tried showing him how to like things, but that proved to be a bit more of a feat than I expected.  That might be a weekend training step.  Ha!  We shall see.

Who knows, maybe I will be able to teach this old dog a new trick or two.  Only time will tell.  However, after his nap today he may never want to look at it again.  It's a crap shoot regardless what it is.  LOL!

I guess you just have to love Dementia and Alzheimer's huh?  Ugh.

Here are a couple of photos of our initial introduction to Face Book.  Face Book world, look out!  You have a new user on board and it could go in many directions and that could be changing by the hour.  Heheheheheheheheheee

He's trying to figure out how this "mouse think" works  LOL

We have our work stations all set up for working from home during COVID 19

 





Unconditioal Love

When we get married we are supposed to have unconditional love and love for better or worse, richer or poorer.  My husband has had to display so much unconditional love over our almost 14 1/2 years of marriage (and 4 1/2 years prior).
One of the first things he told me after we were married is that at the time he knew he was #4 on my list.  "The List" as he called it went like this:
1. Chad
2. Daddy
3. Grandmother
4. Tebo
Well, I don't know it I would have agreed 100% or not, but it didn't take long after we were married for that list to shrink some.  Shortly after getting married I lost my grandmother.  Someone that was so close and dear to me.  I was heartbroken to say the very least.  There he was, right there.  Without hesitation he was just there for whatever I needed or space I needed, it just didn't matter.  I used to call grandmother every Saturday even in the nursing home and any time anything with Chad happened, she was the second person I called.  Of course daddy had to be the first.  I will never forget within a week or so of grandmother passing away Chad had something going on and without thinking I told Tebo I needed to call grandmother.  I just burst into tears at that very moment.  I can truly say there are very few to no days that pass that I don't think of her. 
Then the unthinkable happened.  I lost my Chadman.  I truly do not know how I could or if I could have gotten this far without him.  He has loved me through the worse loss a parent could ever go through and he has steadfast without wavering.  I will forever be grateful for this love he continues to show me every moment of every day, because without his love and him I couldn't do this life right now.  This much I know.
He has gone an extra step, as if this wasn't and isn't enough.  He was gracious enough to accept the fact that we needed to do our part in taking care of daddy and he supported and encouraged daddy moving in with us full time.  We moved daddy in Sept. 1, 2019 and it has truly seemed like I've been juggling two full time jobs at times.  I wouldn't trade this opportunity to help him for anything in this world, but it is definitely not for the faint of heart.  We have entered the 8th month of all 3 of us under the same roof and honestly, outside some rough days, it hasn't been too bad.  It has definitely changed our lives in a big way for sure.  However, thanks to COVID 19, our world changed drastically anyway.  It's actually felt like a blessing in a way to be here with daddy every day because I feel like his time on this earth is likely shorter than most of us would like to think and I will look back and be so grateful to have this time with him every day.  Trust me, some days are easier than others and I'm still working full time (just at home), but it's been nice to be the one with him all day rather than taking him to Pace and then home again.  I've enjoyed that part.
We don't know what the future holds for us with daddy or how long he will be with us, but while he is here we will continue to care for him and do the best we can for him.
I couldn't do any of this the way I am able to without Tebo.  he can say he is number 2 all day long, but to me, he is definitely my #1 for now and forever.  I love you babe (even though he will never read this because there are too many words for him to mess with).   You have my whole heart.