Missing him

If I'm breathing in missing him. Some days the miss hurts more than others. Lately the misses have been agonizingly painful and there is nothing that can be done about that except wait for a less painful day to come. 

He was so much of me... Well technically he was a part of me and once he was created and made his debut he took even a bigger piece. 

Oh what I would give to tell him everything going on in our lives and some of the things I would tell him he would totally call me a dork. Oh what I would give to hear him call me that today. 

No pity party happening here, just cold hard facts.  Missing him hurts and never goes away. That's just how it is. Today I just choose to express it a little more. 

How could I not miss this?  That little crooked grin and that huge heart. 

How I miss his goofy and fun side. His uncle Rodney appears to be easily persuaded to join in on some of that goofy stuff. 

How could you not miss this sight?  You can't. 

I'm so blessed with a family and a group of friends that lift me up daily (not going to lie, sometimes hourly), but there is really only so much another human being can do for this kind of painful miss. Most of that is on God to help me with and myself staying strong enough to endure the days, especially the harder ones. 

Oh how grateful I am (more than I ever thought I could have been) to have had this Christmas in 2009 with all our kids under one roof.  What a blessing this turned out to be. Thank you kids & Tebo for this priceless memory. 

For all his friends that continue to just be there for us and include us in their lives, we thank you. It makes a difference, know that. 

For my family and friends that are always there with encouragement and love. If I had the room and access at this time for all the pictures I would add them, but to get all of you in pictures added would be crazy and to me, that's amazing so thank you for that. 

Oh how I miss him sleeping in the craziest positions and still having the ability to stand up straight and walk when waking up. 

As hard and heartbreaking as this is, it was part of a bigger plan that I'm certain I will never truly understand and will never get use to, but for all those that help us remember him and miss him like we do and for continuing to love on us... Thank you and it's what keeps me going. 

Missing you, son will never go away and if you were here right now I would hug you so tight and tell you how much I love you. Because I do!  

I'm Sorry...

Very short sentence, but powerful and for some impossible to say. 

I'm so glad I am not the kind of person who can't say "I'm Sorry". Heck, there have been times when I apologize for either no reason or reasons I'm not aware of just to make things right with a person. I've also been known to apologize for other people. 

Why is it so difficult for some to utter those little words especially when they can move mountains with another human being. 

I do not want to leave this world with so much pride or anger or whatever it is that I cannot apologize to a person. 

Stop and think for a moment when you last apologized for something. Hopefully it hasn't been very long or if it has I hope it's because you're an awesome person who never makes mistakes or hurts others, because frankly, that would ROCK!

I tend to believe that most people are good at heart and while we all make mistakes (and sometimes might not even realize it) I choose to believe that most want to do right by others. 

So, I will practice what I write and say I'm sorry if you are reading this and I've hurt you or wronged you in any way.   I prefer to say that to you face to face or over the phone and if I haven't apologized to you in one of those two manners it is because I am unaware that I have hurt or wronged you so please take this as an invitation to let me know so I can make things right.  That's all.... 

This One is for RED!

I

October 19, 1987 a beautiful little red head was born to my sister, Paige.  She was truly amazing from day one.  She wasn't your ordinary child.  Her hair was the shade of red that almost looked orange in the sun and she loved it and so did everyone else.  To this day I can't see a red headed little girl without thinking of Jessica and if I see an adult woman with red hair I can't help but wonder what she would look like today.  Monday she would be 28 years old.  WOW!  That's almost hard to imagine her at 28 years old.  I do know that she would be an amazing young woman and very loving and loyal.  This I know for sure.
Jessica was so amazing for so many reasons, but the most amazing time this really showed was once she was diagnosed with brain cancer.  She was not only a trooper through the entire ordeal, but she was always smiling and would reassure everyone else that it was going to be okay.  This would have been difficult for anyone let alone a child that was 8 years old at the time.  However, she did it!  It would make you never want to complain about anything every again.
My sister did such a great job raising her.  She just ate up everything about her and did the same thing when Jorden was born 4 years after Jessica.  I can say she loves being a mom and always enjoyed every moment with her girls.  I always envied her ability to just embrace every moment and turn it into a great memory.
Jessica was very much that way as well even at a young child.  Some of my favorite memories (and there a many) happened at some of the most "non-momentous" moments.  Like, one day I had been at BoBo and Nana's house with her and Chad and although Chad was too small and not talking yet (and at a time it was okay for kids to sit in the front seat) it didn't stop Jessica ("Red") and I from chatting it up on the way back to my house.  We were just driving along at night and she looks up and says, "Ammy, one day, I'm gonna catch that moon".  I laughed and said, yes you will (or something to that affect).  I then realized she was saying that because it felt like the moon was following us.... Out of the mouths of babes.
Then one Fall we were driving back to the house (again from BoBo & Nana's) and she said, "look Ammy, the trees are bald-headed"!  I had never thought about the trees being bald-headed when the leaves fell off, but she did.
Another favorite memory with her is her special bed at Ammy's house.  I lived in a 2 bedroom trailer house at the time so I made the 2nd bathroom bath tub her bed.  We filled it full of quilts and blankets and she would just snuggle down for bed each night.  She loved it and I knew she couldn't fall out.  However, there was the one time when I hear a loud scream coming from the bathroom and ran in there to find her bed filling up with water!  Oh my, it never occurred to me (I know now that it should have) that she would turn the water on.  :)  I will say that she did that the one and only time, because she was just that good a girl.
She used nearly all of Chad's baby things like his highchair, toys, etc. before he did so it makes those memories even more special than they were at the time.
Chad and Jessica were so close that first they were cousins, then best friends.  As cute as it sounds to write and to remember even now, Chad used to tell girls growing up (elementary school and younger) that he already had a girlfriend and her name was Jessica.  I loved that and still do.
Jorden fulfilled that void for Chad and always felt he had to protect her and I love that about his heart.  Jessica had that same heart and that is why I know for sure that she would be full of love and loyalty today.
I remember Jessica this weekend before her birthday on Monday and every day, but wanted to pay a little tribute to her to celebrate what would have been her 28th birthday and still wonder what she would be doing today if she had gotten the chance to live her life.  Love you Jessie Bo, Red on the Head, KiKi, Jessica Gayle!  You were definitely Our Sunshine!  Love, Ammy

                     Jessica & Jorden

            Chad - Jessica - Timothy

            Chad - Jorden - Jessica

            Jessica & her Mom (Paige)

            Jessica & Chad - Besties

          Chad - Ammy - Red 💜

Funny thing about dates

I am one of those people that marks my calendar with any and every event, especially if it pertains to my kids or family.  So, today marked Ashley Willhoite's birthday (Happy Birthday Ashley) and also the date that Chad and Zach Willhoite's contract would have ended with the USMC 4 years ago.  I don't know why that is still on my calendar, but now there is no way I can remove that reminder.  I have it marked on my calendar the day I took Chad to Kansas City to get on that bus that would eventually get him to boot camp.  I have the date he graduated boot camp and entered SOI (school of infantry).  I have other crazy events on my calendar that most people would think, why in the world would she have that, well, that's just how I roll I guess.  Just like October 17th was the date Zach and RoRo were leaving Afghanistan and February 10, 2009 Chad left Kuwait heading to Iraq.  I still have the day Chad signed his official Marine Corps papers, July 2, 2007 and he went to Kansas City for that as well, but rode with his recruiter rather than have me drive him there.  I keep the usual birthdays, anniversaries, and special dates as well, but anything that I believe might mean something to me or someone else and I don't want to risk forgetting, I put it on my calendar with reminders.  It probably means more to me to remember than it does the person I am remembering, but that's ok by me too.
So, with that being said, we have significant dates coming up that are never easy to remember, but for me, they are very important to never forget.  Just like, October 10th marks the day our little Jessie Bo took her last breath in 1996.  She was just 9 days shy of her 9th birthday.  It just so happens that on that same day this year our other sister, Amanda and her family will be celebrating the life of her father-in-law, Larry who passed away Tuesday this week (Oct. 6th).  It will be a sad and difficult day for our family as one sister is there to encourage and lift up the other sister on a day that is going to be heart wrenching for them and just as heart wrenching for her as she remembers that same day 19 years ago when she had to say good-bye to her first born.
I feel sure that we all have certain dates that just stick with us even if it may seem small to others, but they are big to us.  I probably do have more than the average bear and I don't see that changing any time soon and I tend to believe that's ok.
I just believe that if those dates are important enough to mark your calendar then they are important, period.  I know for myself, if it happens to be a date that is significant and important to me personally and someone else takes the time to reach out or just in some small way let me know they are thinking of me on that date, it speaks volumes and I would always want others to feel the way that makes me feel when someone does that for me.
So, as this Saturday, October 10, 2015 approaches  I will be thinking of my sisters a little more than usual.  Amanda, Jeff, Caleb, & Kayla (as well as Virginia), my heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you all as you celebrate the life of your beloved Larry.  May you find peace and comfort during this sad time and reflect on all the blessings and memories you have made with him throughout the years.
Paige, my heart, thoughts, and prayers will also be with you as you stand tall and help support Amanda and her family on this very difficult day in history for you as you continue to remember Jessica and while I know the longing for her and missing her will never go away, it's my hope and prayer that you cling to all those wonderful memories you made with her as well and may there be a splash of sunshine (maybe even in the form of Jorden) to brighten your day on Saturday.
I just hate the distance makes it difficult for me to personally be there for you both, but in my heart I will be standing right beside both of you as you forge through the day on Saturday. 
I love you both and I know you hearts are breaking, but I am thankful you both have each other during this time that you can physically hug even if for a brief moment. 

              Jessica aka "Jessie Bo" 

  Our sister, Amanda & her family, Jeff,      Caleb, and Kayla 

Thinking about you all today and everyday. 

Aging in Marriage

This might seem like an odd topic for me (especially given how young I am)...  :)  However, I've always been intrigued with couples that have been married for decades and wondered, how do they do it.  How do they keep each other so happy and content that they stay through thick and thin.  I want that and I believe I have that now.  It took me many, many years to get there, but I do truly believe I have it now.
On the flip side of that, I've also seen couples that have been married a long time (decades even) who are just merely making it through each day.  Maybe they stay out of convenience or it's just easier to stay married than divorce, or they think they are too old and don't want to start over.  All reasons I am sure that are good and valid, but are they happy?
Isn't that one of the reasons we get married in the first place?  If you stop and think about how it was with your partner before you were married and how happy you felt just being with them and how you longed to be with them when you weren't.  I bet you laughed at the slightest jokes each other said, you went out of your way to make them feel special or that you were thinking of them.  I would imagine you would sit and just have conversations and enjoyed it.
It's actually pretty sad that when I see older couples (some not so old) who have just lost the ability or desire to just have good decent conversations together and laugh together. 
Have you ever thought about how you speak to your spouse rather it be in response to something they say or just trying to make a point?  I would imagine when you were dating or newly married you spoke with a kind tone.  You were most likely going out of your way to make sure you didn't hurt their feelings or at least didn't hurt their ego.  Do you still make an effort to do that today?  If not, I would encourage you to start.
Did you know that the divorce rate trends in people 50+ has more than doubled between 1990 and 2008 (an old report, but staggering) according to the Collins Attorney website.  In addition, according to the Collins Attorney website, if these trends continue by the year 2030, more than 800,000 people in the 50+ age group will experience divorce.  While this article didn't give specific reasons for divorce rates increasing in old generations, I believe some of the things I stated above drive a lot of that.
I'm so fortunate.  I feel like I found Tebo at the right time in life and I continue to find him funny, endearing, caring, considerate, and we have good conversation.  We try to always speak to each other in a kind tone of voice and truly care about each other.  We don't keep score and if there is something I know he likes around the house, I do all I can to ensure that is done. 
I do not consider myself a doormat (I've been one of those before and I'm not one now), but I also know how hard my husband works for all of us so my goal is to always make life at home as enjoyable as I possibly can.  I want home to be the place he can go and feel peace and comfort.  My daddy was/is a wise man (just ask him, he will be happy to tell you).  He told me when I was very young to always be dressed and do something to myself before my husband gets home from work (if I were home all day) and make sure the house is clean.  I work basically the same hours as Tebo does and while his job is far more stressful than mine, we are typically gone about the same amount of hours a day.  I still try to make sure when he gets home the house is clean and he has as little to worry about at home once he ends his day at the office.  If I am home all day for one reason or another, I make sure I am dressed and the house is clean and dinner is ready when he walks in the door.  He doesn't have to tell me he appreciates it, he shows me in the way he treats me and the little things he does for me on a daily basis. 
We never keep score.  It's none of this, I took the trash out last so it's your turn, etc.  It's never either of our turns.  It's us together. 
Don't get me wrong, we are not perfect by any means.  We make mistakes and there are times (although very few) that we will get frustrated with each other, but we don't make it a huge deal and we talk it out and move on.
This is what I never want to have happen to us.  I don't want to be married 20, 30, or 50 years one day and realize we don't speak a kind word to each other (or at all), or don't care about the other's happiness, or worse yet, just merely exist in the same house without communication and companionship.  I want Tebo to always feel like I am his biggest fan and he still matters to me.  I never want him to feel alone in our own home with me right there.  There are those out there according to many books and articles I've read that feel like they are just roommates with their spouse.  That is so sad and the day our spouse isn't with us any longer, I certainly don't want to stop and think, wow, I missed a lot of opportunities to just sit with him and talk and laugh. 
Regardless how long you have been married, never take for granted the love you had for each other when you decided to get married.  Find it again.  Start laughing together and enjoying each other's company again.  You won't be disappointed.
To my husband, I love you and I thank you for giving me the kind of marriage I've always longed for.  I just hope and pray I make you feel half as important and loved as you make me feel each day.

Something I'm learning and believe

I am certainly no expert on (well, on anything) marriage, but I have learned a very important thing over the years and that is, regardless how old you are or how long you've been married, your spouse needs companionship.  While I am certain I fail miserable on a regular basis with this, I truly do make a conscious effort to do my best at showing Tebo how much I appreciate him and need him, but I also want to make sure I give him the companionship he needs and deserves well into our Golden Years (daddy calls them the rusty years).


Wives & Husbands, if you don't show your spouse that you love, respect, need them, and appreciate all they do for you then you can rest assured that one day they will lean on someone who does.  I'm not saying every spouse that feels the other isn't contributing enough to the marriage that they will stray, but I do know that regardless of their age or how long you've been married they still need to have that companionship.


I've thought about this a lot in my marriage with Tebo.  I'm so fortunate to have finally found someone that truly loves me and stands by me in sickness and health and is my rock since Chad passed away.  I know I fail him daily, but

Girls' Weekend to Remember

I usually don't do girls' weekends. In fact, I barely remember if I have ever done that. However, that is not the case now. I took a little road trip with my Bestie, Traci, and we met up with our dear friend, Ally in Topkea, Kansas.

You may wonder, why Kansas?  Well, Ally discovered the Oztober Fest of 2015 in Wamego, KS. http://www.visitwamego.com/events/oztoberfest .  Traci and I really had no idea what to expect.  I had never even heard of Wamego, KS or the Oztober Fest, but we trusted Ally and were willing to embrace the new adventure like our friend Ally does everything in life, so off we went.

I guess I should first explain that I had never actually met Ally in person.  Traci had the opportunity to do so a few months ago so this was exciting just finally meeting her.  We actually met through blogging almost 5 years ago and just instantly developed this friendship through email, blogging, and texting.  Traci also developed a friendship with her as well through my friendship with her so the three of us just became these fast friends who never met.

          Photo courtesy of Ally Miller
I took Friday off and once Traci got her boys to school I picked her up and off we went.  Now, if you know me, I'm not the most comfortable driving to a new place, but with Traci as my co-pilot I wasn't concerned.  (Okay, maybe we should have been a bit concerned, but we really didn't realize that until we were well on our way.)

Let me just go through our sequence of events/crazy situations:

• We get on a toll road in KS and take a ticket.  We knew (after Traci educated me on this new process for a toll road) that depending on how far we went on the road that would indicate how much we paid when we got off on the exit.  We finally reach the exit we needed to take and Traci hands me the ticket and some cash and as I hand it to the collector at the booth he tells me we are good without taking the ticket or cash.  Confused I try to pay him again and he says again, no you are good, you have a tag.  I looked puzzled at Traci and we were both perplexed at this point, but he was insistent that we were good so we left without paying.  I have a Pike Pass for OK, but not for KS.  As we pull off Traci says, "he does know we aren't in OK, right"?  LOL!  I said, I don't know.  She decides to google it and finds out that OK recently accepted KS and North TX as part of their Pike Pass contract so it turns out, we were good.  
• We go to the hotel that Traci's husband, Brian, so graciously hooked us up with using his points (thank you again Brian, that was so nice for you to do this for us).  I had to go to the bathroom (of course) so Traci checked us in.  When I return to the front desk the look on Traci's face was priceless.  The look definitely said "get me out of here and away from this guy, now".  LOL!  As we left she tells me how he went into great detail about all the options for dinner and even said she should have been there the night before, because it was ladies' night at the Blue Moose.  She got a great laugh out of that one (okay, so did I).
• THEN, one of the funniest situations that happened would take place next.  We decided while we waited on Ally's arrival we would go grab some lunch and find some Flea Markets around the area.  We start looking for a place to eat and we kind of wanted a local place and not the same ole thing we could get at home.  We see a sign and Traci says, there is Chicago Pizza and Seafood.  I said that seems like an odd combination.  She says, I can't really read it well, the only other thing I could think it looks like is Chicago Pizza and Tampons.  You guessed it, by this time we are rolling with laughter.  She decides she must look it up to see what the name really is.  Turns out it was Chicago Pizza and Taproom http://www.oldchicago.com/our-story/overview.  Well, you could see if that sign was the distance it was for us how Tampon could be an honest mistake.  Hard not to love that story (for us anyway).  
• We finally get to our lunch place of choice, Jose Pepper's Mexican Restaurant http://www.josepeppers.com.  Our waitress was fabulous.  She was funny and had a great personality and she knew her restaurant.  She laid a ticket on the end of our table and when Traci and I read the name on it, it read, Tajae.  I said I wonder how you pronounce this (this will not be the last time this statement would be said that weekend).  I decided I would ask her when she returned.  I did.  Her response, Domonique.  Now, I'm pretty good at spelling and I'm certain that you don't spell Domonique Tajae.  Seeing that there is no way I can just go along with this Traci steps in and says, oh.  The waitress says, they may have called me Dom.  Traci again says, yeah, that might have been it (something like that).  I'm still stunned and looking completely perplexed again.  Domonique walks away and we just cracked up.  We aren't sure how Tajae is, but we would still like to hear how it is pronounced and our guess is it isn't Domonique.  Ha!
• Then, we head off to find the local Flea Market/Antique shops.  Traci has a handy little app for this (so we thought) so she punches it in and off we go.  The first 3 or 4 locations were either an empty lot, neighborhood, or part of the highway.  Yep, it was quite the adventure.  At one point we were certain we were in a location we had no business being in so we quickly turned around and tried again.  Then we see we are heading nowhere again and decide to turn around just to realize (as we are driving down this street) that we are on a one way road THE WRONG WAY!  If that wasn't bad enough, there were 2 cars heading towards us (hence how we realized we were going the wrong way on a one way road), the 2nd car gave us an ugly look and acted like we were idiots and I told Traci, she had no business acting like that with purple hair!  For the record, we finally did find some antique stores and did a little shopping as we waited for Ally's arrival.
• You would think some of the craziness would be over by now, but you would be wrong.  Ally arrives and we are just blocked away from the hotel and before we get there she sends a text asking what was up with the tailgating in the parking lot of the hotel?  We were like, what?  We pull in and right away don't see anyone in the parking lot, just cars.  Then suddenly, there they were!  A group of adults tailgating in the parking lot.  When Traci and I arrived at the hotel there were barely cars there, now there is a parking lot party!  Apparently this is pretty common around there, who knew?
• We visit some in the room and toast our reunion with a glass of wine and decide we will go have dinner.  After much consideration from all the options Traci's buddy at the front desk recommended we decide we will give pizza (not the Chicago Pizza & Tampons) a try, but we wanted it to be a local place.  We ended up at AJ's NY Pizza http://www.ajsnypizza.com.  It was very good and we had a great time.
• The next morning we were heading to Womega, KS about 30 minutes away to experience the Oztober Fest 2015.  The 3 of us had no clue how to pronounce Womega so Ally asked the guy at the front desk how to pronounce it (told you it wouldn't be the last time this statement was made this weekend) and very slowly he said T O P E K A.  ROFL!  You can't make this stuff up people!
• Off to Womega, KS (pronounced with a long O and E like Egg) we go.  I have to say, it was a very cool drive.  We turn on the main and final road to find a road sign that said Road to Oz Highway.  It actually felt like the road to Oz, just not yellow.
• We get parked and walk over to the festival.  WOW!  There were far more adults dressed up in all things Wizard of Oz than I expected.  The whole town gets involved.  We had the Wizard of Oz museum and the Oz Winery, and costume contest to experience.  It was very cool.  We slipped into the winery for some wine tasting and that was a lot of fun (and of course we had to purchase our own Oz wine) and while in there we ran into a family from the Panhandle of TX (Wheeler, TX) that went all out on their costumes.  The mom, dad, and twin girls' costumes were amazing.  They said it took them 2 hours to get everything on and you could tell.  The mom and dad won the best Tin Man and Bad Witch costume contest, as they should.
• Once back at the hotel we visited and cooled off a little and watched a little football.  It was a sad day not only for Arkansas, but for my TN Vols as well.  We couldn't get the KY/MO game at the hotel so we decided to go to dinner at the Blue Moose (recommended by the one and only hotel desk clerk, AKA Traci's buddy) http://thebluemoosebarandgrill.com.  It was a very cool place, he was right.  As we were about to enter the bar and grill Ally said, we may have to ask them to turn on the KY game.  Traci said, maybe you should ask them to turn on the Mizzou game instead, you might have better luck.  LOL....  She is so wise, because Ally's mom had the same advice for her.  So we did and they did.
• So we have a pretty uneventful dinner and watched most of the game and as we were wrapping things up Traci and Ally fight over the check.  Our 19 year old waitress comes up and Traci (yes, she did) played the cancer card and told her she wanted the check.  We gave her grief for pulling the cancer card and Ally said she would pull the deployment card, but Neal isn't deployed (thank goodness).  We had a good laugh.  However, the laughter wouldn't stop there.  As our waitress brings the ticket back to Traci she tells Traci, "happy birthday".  Bahahahahahaaa...  We all looked perplexed at this point and I turn to Traci and say, had I known I would have gotten you a gift.  We aren't quite sure how she got birthday out of cancer, but hey, it allowed us to end our visit with Ally with laughter and any time you can do that it's a good day.

We had a great time and I would do Girls' Weekend again, especially with these ladies.  What great memories we made and I couldn't be more blessed.  Thank you Bestie and Ally for a great weekend and lots of laughs.  I wouldn't change a thing we did, not even the wrong way on the one way road.  :)

             Family from Wheeler, TX

      Ally in front of the winning window

                  1st Place Winners