Like a Wave

Some days are managable, but there are some days that it is almost impossible to manage. Missing you is always right there, always. However, there are those days that the sadness washes over me like a wave. Today seems to be that kind of day. This is the first time that I have noticed that I felt this wave building. I know, it sounds odd or maybe needs more explaining. This is the best way I can describe it. Over the last couple of weeks I have just been off. At first I just brushed it off to just not feeling my absolute best with my health. I didn't know what it was, but I also was not sleeping. I went three nights in a row where I could not sleep. One night I did dose off and on for a total of 3 hours, but outside that I could not sleep. I felt like I was walking each day in a fog. I was just going through the motions of my day. I did my work, I took care of the house and Tebo. I checked on family memebers and friends just as I normally would do. However, in my heart and mind, I was just going through the motions and putting one foot in front of the other, but I was also a bit withdrawn. You might wonder how I could be withdrawn, but still going about my normal daily routines. You might be surprised just how easy that is. Obviously with my husband it did not go unnoticed. When he would ask me what was wrong or what I was thinking about, I just didn't answer and looked down. Thankfully he knows me well enough to know that when I am super quiet, I am working through something. It truly doesn't matter if it is a fallen hero or a friend that has lost a child, I immediately go to you in my heart and mind and immediately feel immense sadness that flows over me. However, on the contrary, when someone asks me to use your name to name their child, especially when it is their first child and even more impactful, when your precious niece, Jorden, asked permission to use your name I am overcome with pride and appreciation. Let me explain what I mean by that. To have anyone want to name their child, especially their first child, after you it means (to me) that you were respected, loved, appreciated, and cherished in a way that can only impact me with such pride and gives me a little piece of you, in some ways, continues on within these babies. It's hard to put into words just how much that means to me and how happy it makes my heart that they love you enough to do that. So just to elaborate a bit on Jorden's little baby boy. She has named him Cohen Wade Taylor. She was the most respectful when she called (Face Time) me to ask if it was ok to use your name for her sweet baby boy. First, that precious girl could ask me anything and there is a good chance I will always tell her yes. Yes, I could be a little bias, but as her Ammy, it's my preogative to do so. She loved you so much that I know there is a void in her heart much like the void she feels with Jessica. You were good to her and you loved her and obviously she feels the same about you enough to name her first born after you. Also, the fact that Caleb is having his first child, a boy, and he didn't hesitate to agree with using your name tells me a lot about him. I haven't met him in person yet, but I feel like I know him through Jorden, your aunt Paige, and your uncle Rodney and that is good enough for me. Chad, you would be so proud of Jorden. Not only has she moved to SC to a great job all on her own, but she bought her first home, on her own (she did include Caleb) and now expecting her first baby, but she has done all of this with such grace. In the midst of just buying her first home and with COVID front and center, she stopped what she was doing and flew into AR to be here when BoBo passed so she could be a source of support for your aunt Paige and I have to believe for me too. She was wonderful and yes, gorgeous. I got to touch and love on her baby bump (which is totally precious by the way) and just enjoy her precense. It was wonderful to say the very least.

"Heaven Help Me"

One of my dearest friends, who sadly is walking this terrible journey like me for the last 3 years, shared this song with me today. If you wuold like to know my true feelings, (much like hers and most parents who have lost a child)I encourage you to take a minute and listen to Zach Williams' song, "Heaven Help Me". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CH5QaYzinI

Frustration Mounting

My frustrations on the build of our house is mounting to an epic level. First our completion date was going to be November. I felt from the start that we would not hit that timing. Then it was moved to December, which is where I felt we would land. Then suddenly it was moved to January. Okay, fine, We will live with that. Then before we even get to January he moved it to we hope to have you wrapped up by end of March. What!? End of March? Then he comes back with, oh January is doable, but I wanted to give worse case scenario. Well, here we are on January 31st and guess what! We still have no paint, no counter tops, no master bath tile, no slider door, no front door, no flooring, no septic tank, no propane tank, no electric or plumbing pulled in the house and missing a window. We locked in a 30 day rate and trying to give notice to the apartments and I can't get an answer from the builder and I sent him a message at 7:45 am today. I'm so over it all that I could scream, but if I verbalize my feelings and frustrations I get shot down and told to stop stressing over it and to just stop letting it get to me. So, I guess this is where I will have to let my frustration and anxiety out so I don't bother anyone else with my own feelings about this process. Just one more thing I will continue to bury down deep inside so not to burden anyone else.

What the heck is my issue lately?

I found myself lately just not liking anyone. I feel aggitated by most people I run into. I don't even know most of these people and they just irritate me or rub me the wrong way. That is just not my personality. I'm super sensitve regardless what is said or by whom. There isn't just one thing, it's everything. I don't feel like I can say anything right. If it's okay for one person to complain or vent, it's not okay for me to do that. Some examples of what I am very well aware is very pety feelings. One, I've been growing more and more frustrated with our builder and the excuses we have been getting regarding the delays of our house. It's not that I/we didn't expect delays. We did. My issue is the lack of communication and then when we do get communication, there are inconsistencies in that communication, but when I vent or try to just voice my opinion or frustrations about it (knowing this is my perception) I feel like my feelings are minimized or dismissed as either overreactions or I need to get over it even if those aren't the exact words being used. That's just adding to the already frustrating feelings I'm experiencing. Also, this apartment living is for the birds, no surprise there, but Sunday night (all night) the upstairs neighbor apparently did not sleep all night. Instead he/they were up all night stomping across the floor and dragging a chair/stool across the floor. Did I mention it was all night long. What does that mean? I got zero rest. I was up and down all night due to this wonder NON-WHITE NOISE sound! So on Monday morning that was supposed to be a Holiday even though we were working from home I was up 5 am so I got up and got ready for work and as I was fixing my breakfast I simply asked Tebo if he heard those yahoos upstairs and the response was, "yes, I heart them. Just let it go Louie, let it go". Well, okay then. I will let it go. So, here is my moto from this point forward and this time I will be sticking to it going forward. I will NOT complain about this apartment or the upstairs neighbors. I will not mention the house or the progress or lack there of! I'm done with any opinion on anything at this point. I will wait and if I feel impatient or frustrated I will vent right here. That's it! Nothing more or less will come out of my mouth unless it is positive and excitement.

When life just keeps throwing curve balls

Over the last nearly 2 years things have been, in the very least, utter chaos. If you know me maybe 20 minutes you will know quite easily that chaos is really not something I navigate very well. We have all lived a very different kind of normal. First COVID hit the country and around the world causing us all to figure out how to navigate all that and find out how to manage working from home (or wherever we might be at the time) and not go to our favorite restaurants for a while and handle our children not going to school or daycare or remote learning and then figuring out how to return to the office our our respective work places and living with mask wearing and vaccines and then boosters and let us not forget those that refuse to get vaccinated. We endured all that on top of not being able to be with our loved ones who were in the hospital for whatever reasons or attend funerals or visit those in nursing homes just to find in 2022 that we have a new variant that is spreading like wild fire and now we are facing some of these same issues all over again. It's crazy. You should try (and many are) building a house and especially your retirement home, while living in an apartment for the first time in decades and having delay after delay with the build and navigating the continue chaos of COVID, work, and the anxious arrival of our first grandson. It is beginning to be more than this girl can take on top of the stress of work and not feeling 100% physically. My patience is running thin to say the very least. My understanding is truly non existant and nice is wearing off quickly. We are meeting our builder this afternoon at 4:00 at the house to walk through and discuss trim and it is my hope and prayer (for him) that he is on track and we see progress has been made yesterday and today and he has a solid plan that he is capable of sticking to and delivering on next week or he may just truly feel the wrath of my impatience and frustration come crashing down on him. During this pandemic we have experienced great saddness and some extreme blessings at the same time. First we had the blessing of celebrating the marriage of Tia and Drew. She waited so long to find the perfect husband and she did. He just fits right in with our family and we love him so much.. Then we sadly lost our daddy. We worked so hard to move him in with us and after doing so we only had 9 short months with him before he was taken from us. I am so grateful for those 9 months, but so heartbroken that he was taken so soon. Then we had the blessing of welcoming Cohen Wade, our grand nephew (I know I probably made that word up, but I really don't care). He is perfect and I couldn't love him more. Then we had the saddness of losing our granddaughter, Norah (Tia & Drew's first baby). It was heartbreaking, but we were so inspired in how they handled the loss and drew closer together during a very difficult time. Then 6 months later we were blessed with the news that they were going to be welcoming our first grandson, Luke Henry in March. We honestly cannot wait. We are building our retirement home across the street from them and while we certainly expected to be in our house well before he made his arrival, we will be so glad to be so close to enjoy the bonding and relationship with Luke and the kids that we feel we miss with the others. This house just cannot get completed quickly enough for us. Prayers for that to happen and for life to find a normal level whatever that may be these days. Shewwww....

Sixteen Years

It's hard to believe it's already been sixteen years married and tewenty years together. We have been through so much in that amount of time. More than most people go through in a lifetime, let alone sixteen years. We have lost friends, all our parents, a child, three grandchildren. We have made new friends and traveled the world to places I never dreamed I would ever get to see. We have survived a pandemic and watched each other grow personally and in our careers and now we are building our first and forever home together. I cannot imagine doing any of this with anyone other than you. I'm so grateful that the Lord allowed our paths to cross just at the right time and moment in our lives and that he had this plan for us and that we were wise enough to follow his plan. I am so grateful that our children and our families love each other and have blended as well as they have. It's not to say there haven't been bumps here and there, but overall, it's been a blessed sixteen years of marriage. I've had the bad marriage where there was unhappiness and tension all the time and feeling of never being enough or never feeling loved. I never knew marriage could be like this and for that I am so grateful and blessed. I know I never want to go through this life with anyone other than you by my side and that I know for sure. You are not only my best friend and what I truly believe to be my soul mate, but you are my better half. It's over-used for sure, but you truly do complete me. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for you and what you do for me and how you love me. You care for me in a way no one else has ever been able to do before. You ask for nothing in return, but merely how you love me it makes it so easy for me to love you back. I know you probably don't even realize that, but just you loving me and making me feel like you do makes me want to do all I can to make sure you know you are loved and cared for and that you are the most important man in my life, and you are. One day I may have the right words to truly express how much I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me, but today this is the best I have. You have been there for me when we lost Chad and I had no will to live. Not that I would have taken my own life, but I certainly had no desire to make sure I didn't carry on. You made sure I did carry on. You made sure when daddy needed us the most that we made it work for him to move in and you helped me take care of him without hesitation and I know it wasn't easy. I know he took a lot of my time and our time as well as money and just changing up our routine and lifestyle, but you never complained and you loved on him and helped me out as if he were your daddy too. Thank you. When daddy passed you cared for me and my sisters and helped us figure out what we do next and never missed a beat. You were and are my rock. I never have to worry about the strength you will show. You just always show up, no matter what. There are so many things I love about you, but your quiet strength and quiet love it probably my favorite. You don't have to be outward with it, you just quietly show it to me daily and I never have to wonder, I just always know. That feels good. I will always love you and care for you as long as I am on this earth and I will always be grateful to you for all you do and continue to do for me and for my family. I look forward to what the years hold for us and especially when we get into our retirement home and have our grandkids across the street. I know we will be building new wonderful memories together and I can't wait. Loving you and being loved by you has been one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. I love you babe. You have my whole heart.

Half Your Life

It is truly hard to believe that as of today, you have been gone exactly half as long as you were on this earth. I do not know how it is even possible and I really do not know how it's possible I've been able to survive elevn years without you. When I consider the fact that I could possibly live another eleven years without you which will mean that you will have been gone from this earth as long as you lived, it terrifies me and breaks my heart even more. That would make me sixty six years old. I don't want to be here for the day that you have been gone as long as you lived on this earth. Of course I would never cause anything to make that reality, but my heart doesn't want that. Sad truth, with our family history there is a good chance a lot of my memory will be compromised, but one thing I know for sure is I will NEVER be able to forget that you are no longer here and that you are the largest void in my heart and life. Granny, BoBo, nor did Grandmother Croft never forgot you with that dreaded disease, so there is absolutely I will never forget either. That just means Tebo's life will likely only get worse for him when it comes to me and my grief of missing you and I hate that for him. He will be 72 by then since he will have just had his birthday and he deserves better than that, but I also know he is strong enough to handle it. I just hate it for him. Chad, you were truly the best thing I've ever done and although I thought I knew heartbreak when we lost Jessica, I had no idea the pain your aunt "Paigey" went through. Sadly, now I do. My heart feels like what I would imagine what a mirror or glass would feel like when it shatters, but the odd and problem with the heart is it shatters every moment that I am breathing. I know that sounds dramatic and you know I am far from dramatic, but that is truly the best way to express how it truly feels. The only thing that gives me hope is that one day I do know that there will come a day that we will be reunited again, but trust me, that day cannot come fast enough. I can't say that to many people, well, really only one person who can understand without worrying about me actually doing something about it, but I would be lying if I didn't say I don't long for the day when the good Lord decides it is time for me to reunite with you. I need to hug you like only a momma bear can do and kiss that forehead of yours and just smell you and see that crooked littlel grin and hear your quick witt and hear all your new stories and hear all the shenanigans you and Jessica and BoBo have gotten into while Granny is over there watching and laughing and probably saying "Larry"... LOL! Just promise me you will be waiting at the gates for me with a huge hug when I get there, because trust me, I will need it and I am sure I will be crying, but it will be all happy tears and I will need lots of one on one time with you to catch you up on all the wonderful things going on down here, especially with Cohen and Jorden and Peanut. I would say Scooter too, but he could sure use you and BoBo right now, but he will grow out of it (soon I hope), but he is being his mom at his age right now (Eeeekkk). I knwo he will get through it, but your influence sure would be nice. I love you son and just taking flowers to the cemetery seem so little and meaningless, it's really all I have. Tebo and I did sponsor eleven Wreaths for Wreaths Across America this year in memory of you for the eleventh anniversary, but again, just doesn't seem enough. I guess my tears and reflection of you will just have to do since that's really all I can do, but I pray you know that a moment I am breathing on this earth is a moment that you are missed and loved. I love you son! Love, momma bear.