Like a Wave

Some days are managable, but there are some days that it is almost impossible to manage. Missing you is always right there, always. However, there are those days that the sadness washes over me like a wave. Today seems to be that kind of day. This is the first time that I have noticed that I felt this wave building. I know, it sounds odd or maybe needs more explaining. This is the best way I can describe it. Over the last couple of weeks I have just been off. At first I just brushed it off to just not feeling my absolute best with my health. I didn't know what it was, but I also was not sleeping. I went three nights in a row where I could not sleep. One night I did dose off and on for a total of 3 hours, but outside that I could not sleep. I felt like I was walking each day in a fog. I was just going through the motions of my day. I did my work, I took care of the house and Tebo. I checked on family memebers and friends just as I normally would do. However, in my heart and mind, I was just going through the motions and putting one foot in front of the other, but I was also a bit withdrawn. You might wonder how I could be withdrawn, but still going about my normal daily routines. You might be surprised just how easy that is. Obviously with my husband it did not go unnoticed. When he would ask me what was wrong or what I was thinking about, I just didn't answer and looked down. Thankfully he knows me well enough to know that when I am super quiet, I am working through something. It truly doesn't matter if it is a fallen hero or a friend that has lost a child, I immediately go to you in my heart and mind and immediately feel immense sadness that flows over me. However, on the contrary, when someone asks me to use your name to name their child, especially when it is their first child and even more impactful, when your precious niece, Jorden, asked permission to use your name I am overcome with pride and appreciation. Let me explain what I mean by that. To have anyone want to name their child, especially their first child, after you it means (to me) that you were respected, loved, appreciated, and cherished in a way that can only impact me with such pride and gives me a little piece of you, in some ways, continues on within these babies. It's hard to put into words just how much that means to me and how happy it makes my heart that they love you enough to do that. So just to elaborate a bit on Jorden's little baby boy. She has named him Cohen Wade Taylor. She was the most respectful when she called (Face Time) me to ask if it was ok to use your name for her sweet baby boy. First, that precious girl could ask me anything and there is a good chance I will always tell her yes. Yes, I could be a little bias, but as her Ammy, it's my preogative to do so. She loved you so much that I know there is a void in her heart much like the void she feels with Jessica. You were good to her and you loved her and obviously she feels the same about you enough to name her first born after you. Also, the fact that Caleb is having his first child, a boy, and he didn't hesitate to agree with using your name tells me a lot about him. I haven't met him in person yet, but I feel like I know him through Jorden, your aunt Paige, and your uncle Rodney and that is good enough for me. Chad, you would be so proud of Jorden. Not only has she moved to SC to a great job all on her own, but she bought her first home, on her own (she did include Caleb) and now expecting her first baby, but she has done all of this with such grace. In the midst of just buying her first home and with COVID front and center, she stopped what she was doing and flew into AR to be here when BoBo passed so she could be a source of support for your aunt Paige and I have to believe for me too. She was wonderful and yes, gorgeous. I got to touch and love on her baby bump (which is totally precious by the way) and just enjoy her precense. It was wonderful to say the very least.