When it's been that kind of week(s)

You might say I've had that kind of last couple of weeks. First it feels I can do nothing right for anyone (yes, this will sound likt a pity party). You add on top of that, we are fast approaching the 20th anniversary of September 11th, we had the Afghanistan withdraw debacle and to add insult to injury with the tragic deaths of 13 American Service members, 10 of those being US Marines from 2/1 also, from Camp Pendelton. Then, all in a weeks' time I had a "friend" try to make me feel stupid (again) by proving me wrong. This went a whole different level by dragging a conversation of mistaken identity into the next day with a picture just to prove I had the wrong person and to prove I was wrong via text after she had lied about why she was late to a dinner she requested. Really, who needs enemies, right? Then, top all this off with someone so dear speak to you harshly for no reason and that pretty much sums up my last two weeks. To say my heart is heavy and feels broken would truly not do my heart justice at the moment. Yes, I live with a shattered heart every day regardless, but most days (not all) I can manage to navigate my days with said shattered heart, but when you add all these added broken moments on top of an already shattered heart, well, let's just say... It makes it really hard to not want to just sink into the bed and not want to get up. There are truly days when I feel like there is no way I have anymore tears left to shed, but yet, there are more that continue to fall (somehow). Fortunately, for me, I have a sister I can vent, cry and talk to so I can get it out of my system. I guess if I didn't have that I would just explode from the inside out.

Sorrow

Sorrow comes in so many forms and is so different for everyone. I used to think sorrow was just saddness for those that lost a person, but over the years I've learned that is not the case. I'm learning even now that sorrow can be even knowing that you are going to lose someone you love, but you may not know when. I have a sister that is watching her husband fight cancer and while he has already beat the odds after being told he might have months and has almost hit the one year mark, he is starting to have moments of decline. She is struggling and feeling scared and very sad and angry. I can tell she is having a very difficult time processing how she feels and not knowing exactly how to express these feelings that I'm sure she herself doesn't even understand. I'm not sure how to even truly empathize with her as I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse. I only have experience, sadly, in losing a child. I know I don't want to lose my husband, but to watch him suffer like she is watching her's suffer would just be tragic I would imagine. I am sure there is anger on top of that sorrow and I can only imagine how difficult that must be to process and even put into perspective. On top of trying to wrap your head around all of this, you still have to care for him and make sure you keep yourself healthy and pulled together. Also, she is still working full time so add that on top of all this can only add more stress I'm sure. However, I would think, in some way, going to work must give her some type of reprieve from the gloom and sickness that likely fills the air at home. Just watching him either sleep or move around the house like an ailing man would be very difficult day in and day out. I would like to say there is hope that he will beat this disease, but he is in his 70's and is smoking again and now has started drinking again (which, honestly, I can't blame him at this point) so there is a better chance that he has far less life to live now. He has beat the odds for sure and proven the doctors wrong from his first diagnosis. He is a stubborn man for sure and I guess that has worked in his benefit in this case, and for my sister, I'm glad for that. However, even the most stubborn man cannot fight something as bad as this cancer and now that it appears that he has new tumors, although they are small, and he is getting blood clots and things are declining at times, I believe he has less time than we might think. I hate that, but I do believe it's coming sooner than we might think. I do pray my sister is stronger than she believes she is. I do believe our family will rally around her and be her strength when she needs it the most. I know her son will be there for her and hopefully can talk her into moving to Dallas to be closer to him, but until that time comes we will continue to reach out to her and show her support as much as we can from a distance. Cancer is such a hateful disease and it does not discriminate.

Frustration and Sadness

When frustration and sadness are the only ways to decribe how you feel about a certain situation that you really don't have control over. It's really a stupid situation to have these feelings over given everything else in this world and the fact that I certainly have bigger things to feel that way over, but right now this is foremost on my mind. See, I've been working from home, very successfully, since March of 2020 due to COVID. Then I had a fall in January and gave myself quite the concussion as well as a broken tailbone and due to the recovery of the concussion the nuerologist wrote me out of work until he could follow up with me today. Today he said he wasn't 100% comfortable putting me back in the office full time, but if I felt like I had to return maybe I could start back with one day a week, but he didn't specifically write that down. Instead he suggested I meet with my primary care doctor with whom I see on Wednesday this week and let him weigh in. That's what I will do. On a different note, while I was there I told him that this might not be his line of expertise, but I had a knot in my vein that was sore and a couple of weeks ago was swollen and hurt to bend my arm. He took a look and thought it was a blood clot. I said, should I be concerned. He never really answered that question. He just said, yeah, I think that's what it is. I thought, okay, I guess I will just check with my primary doctor to be safe. I am very conflicted with returning to the office on two levels. One, I truly enjoy the peace of working from home and the productivity. I'm very disappointed in the pressure I feel I am getting to return to the office, but I might as well just get over it, because it is obviously not going to change. The second is, right now I am catching anything and everything that gets with what feels like a 100 mile ratos of me. Mask or no mask, my fear is once I return to the office I will start getting sick and will stay sick every time someone comes in with some type of symptom with no regard of those around us and I will be the one that pays that price. I'm just whining and complaining right now. There are people that have it far worse than I do, but I'm so sad that I feel so much pressure and no support at home to just continue to work from home. I've looked for other jobs that would allow me to work from home, but they all require a degree. It just makes me so sad, because that's not going to happen at my age. I had hoped after tons of conversations that I was working towards the goal of retiring soon once Tia and Drew have babies, but honestly the conversations have actually been turning more towards Tebo talking about him retiring versus me retiring and that hurts my heart too. I would love for him to be able to retire, but he had my expectations up that I was going to be able to do that and now he keeps talking like that isn't even the cards. I guess I am both confused and disappointed at the same time. I am both mentally and emotionally tired from all of it. Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful that I have had more than 18 months of being able to work from home. However, I'm terribly dreading the day I have to return. Especially if I have to wear a mask all day at my desk when I can do the same job at home as I will have to do from my desk. It's just ridiculous. Okay, rant over for now, but no promises this won't happen again in the coming days. Ugh!

Mixed feelings

WOW! It's been twenty years since we invaded Afghanistan in our fight against the Taliban and I'm not sure how I feel about the current situation right now with them taking over nearly every providence in Afghanistan now. I feel so much for the women and children over there and then at the same time I am reminded of the Afghan solders (not all, but many) that turned their backs on the American military there training, teaching and working with them and them killing our young men and women. Many of those Afghan soldiers were supported by some of these women (again, not all, but some). You can see where I am conflicted. We lost so many young men and women and you, my son, being one of them. They didn't want us there to start with and now they they (obviously not the Taliban) are begging us to rescue them or bring them here. I personally believe with the way they are jumping the fences at the airport in Kabul and jumping on the planes with no security that we are setting ourselves up for potential terrorist attacks again in the United States and after the longest war in history so far, I'm afraid we are heading there again. I'm sorry there are innocent people stuck in that life, I truly am, but that country has always been at war and in my humble opinion, they always will be. Why should we continue to sacrifice our young men and women and spend our country's money when the moment we begin to withdraw the Taliban begin to take over again and total and utter chaos takes over. So was this last twenty years in vain? I pray not. I pray my son did not lose his life in vain. I pray that all the other young men and women did not lose their lives in vain. It's hard enough every day to wake up knowing I have to face this world without my precious son and only child on this earth, but to think it was for no good reason just adds salt to a forever open wound. It's hard enough without watching all this play out all over the news and thinking about this fact that it truly could have been for nothing. My heart feels like it breaks all over again for a completely different reason. It's truly hard to comprehend. I don't pretend to completely understand what all goes into the decisions or considerations that go into making decisions to withdraw troops from a hostile enviornment like Afghanistand especially at the end of the longest and deadliest war in history. I do, however, have to believe I would have taken into account that in the summer the Taliban is active and in the winter the retreat. Why wouldn't we wait just a few more months and wait until the weather got colder and let them retreat so that maybe things wouldn't be so volatile? I'm not saying they wouldn't have still attempted to take over, but maybe, just maybe things wouldn't be this heightened. I just think there could have been a better way to have handled things than the way this went down. I mean, we are supposed to have highly intellegent people in high places in our government, right? Well, there ya go. I pray all our American representatives and military over there get home safely and soon and if that country insists on fighting forever, then let them fight, but stop sending our men and women over there to fight an endless fight and losing the lives of our men and women for what feels like for no good reason. It hurts all over again.