Sixteen Years

It's hard to believe it's already been sixteen years married and tewenty years together. We have been through so much in that amount of time. More than most people go through in a lifetime, let alone sixteen years. We have lost friends, all our parents, a child, three grandchildren. We have made new friends and traveled the world to places I never dreamed I would ever get to see. We have survived a pandemic and watched each other grow personally and in our careers and now we are building our first and forever home together. I cannot imagine doing any of this with anyone other than you. I'm so grateful that the Lord allowed our paths to cross just at the right time and moment in our lives and that he had this plan for us and that we were wise enough to follow his plan. I am so grateful that our children and our families love each other and have blended as well as they have. It's not to say there haven't been bumps here and there, but overall, it's been a blessed sixteen years of marriage. I've had the bad marriage where there was unhappiness and tension all the time and feeling of never being enough or never feeling loved. I never knew marriage could be like this and for that I am so grateful and blessed. I know I never want to go through this life with anyone other than you by my side and that I know for sure. You are not only my best friend and what I truly believe to be my soul mate, but you are my better half. It's over-used for sure, but you truly do complete me. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for you and what you do for me and how you love me. You care for me in a way no one else has ever been able to do before. You ask for nothing in return, but merely how you love me it makes it so easy for me to love you back. I know you probably don't even realize that, but just you loving me and making me feel like you do makes me want to do all I can to make sure you know you are loved and cared for and that you are the most important man in my life, and you are. One day I may have the right words to truly express how much I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me, but today this is the best I have. You have been there for me when we lost Chad and I had no will to live. Not that I would have taken my own life, but I certainly had no desire to make sure I didn't carry on. You made sure I did carry on. You made sure when daddy needed us the most that we made it work for him to move in and you helped me take care of him without hesitation and I know it wasn't easy. I know he took a lot of my time and our time as well as money and just changing up our routine and lifestyle, but you never complained and you loved on him and helped me out as if he were your daddy too. Thank you. When daddy passed you cared for me and my sisters and helped us figure out what we do next and never missed a beat. You were and are my rock. I never have to worry about the strength you will show. You just always show up, no matter what. There are so many things I love about you, but your quiet strength and quiet love it probably my favorite. You don't have to be outward with it, you just quietly show it to me daily and I never have to wonder, I just always know. That feels good. I will always love you and care for you as long as I am on this earth and I will always be grateful to you for all you do and continue to do for me and for my family. I look forward to what the years hold for us and especially when we get into our retirement home and have our grandkids across the street. I know we will be building new wonderful memories together and I can't wait. Loving you and being loved by you has been one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. I love you babe. You have my whole heart.

Half Your Life

It is truly hard to believe that as of today, you have been gone exactly half as long as you were on this earth. I do not know how it is even possible and I really do not know how it's possible I've been able to survive elevn years without you. When I consider the fact that I could possibly live another eleven years without you which will mean that you will have been gone from this earth as long as you lived, it terrifies me and breaks my heart even more. That would make me sixty six years old. I don't want to be here for the day that you have been gone as long as you lived on this earth. Of course I would never cause anything to make that reality, but my heart doesn't want that. Sad truth, with our family history there is a good chance a lot of my memory will be compromised, but one thing I know for sure is I will NEVER be able to forget that you are no longer here and that you are the largest void in my heart and life. Granny, BoBo, nor did Grandmother Croft never forgot you with that dreaded disease, so there is absolutely I will never forget either. That just means Tebo's life will likely only get worse for him when it comes to me and my grief of missing you and I hate that for him. He will be 72 by then since he will have just had his birthday and he deserves better than that, but I also know he is strong enough to handle it. I just hate it for him. Chad, you were truly the best thing I've ever done and although I thought I knew heartbreak when we lost Jessica, I had no idea the pain your aunt "Paigey" went through. Sadly, now I do. My heart feels like what I would imagine what a mirror or glass would feel like when it shatters, but the odd and problem with the heart is it shatters every moment that I am breathing. I know that sounds dramatic and you know I am far from dramatic, but that is truly the best way to express how it truly feels. The only thing that gives me hope is that one day I do know that there will come a day that we will be reunited again, but trust me, that day cannot come fast enough. I can't say that to many people, well, really only one person who can understand without worrying about me actually doing something about it, but I would be lying if I didn't say I don't long for the day when the good Lord decides it is time for me to reunite with you. I need to hug you like only a momma bear can do and kiss that forehead of yours and just smell you and see that crooked littlel grin and hear your quick witt and hear all your new stories and hear all the shenanigans you and Jessica and BoBo have gotten into while Granny is over there watching and laughing and probably saying "Larry"... LOL! Just promise me you will be waiting at the gates for me with a huge hug when I get there, because trust me, I will need it and I am sure I will be crying, but it will be all happy tears and I will need lots of one on one time with you to catch you up on all the wonderful things going on down here, especially with Cohen and Jorden and Peanut. I would say Scooter too, but he could sure use you and BoBo right now, but he will grow out of it (soon I hope), but he is being his mom at his age right now (Eeeekkk). I knwo he will get through it, but your influence sure would be nice. I love you son and just taking flowers to the cemetery seem so little and meaningless, it's really all I have. Tebo and I did sponsor eleven Wreaths for Wreaths Across America this year in memory of you for the eleventh anniversary, but again, just doesn't seem enough. I guess my tears and reflection of you will just have to do since that's really all I can do, but I pray you know that a moment I am breathing on this earth is a moment that you are missed and loved. I love you son! Love, momma bear.

Why go our kids do what they do?

Why is it that our kids tend to insiston learning life lessons the hard way? I know I was guilty at times of doing that exact thing when I was growing up. I thought I knew about life far better than my parents at the time. I was less likely to do this than probably the average kid, but never the less, there were times I insisted on learning lessons the hard way. However, now that I am a parent, it seems that our kids today seem more determined than ever to learn life lessons the hard way more than ever. It's like we are even more dumb than we probably thought our parents were. Maybe this is truly how our parents felt, but I don't remember ever going as far as what our kids these days seem to go with us. It feels like our kids these days go an extra mile to make us feel like they truly do have all the answers and like we truly have no clue. Now, I will be the first one to tell you that I am completley out of the loop with what is "cool" or "hip" these days. I don't know all the in style and latest trends. What I do know is what hard work and being patient for things in life takes. I do know that taking pride in what you do have and putting in the work to eventually getting what your parents have today in the future is what it's all about. We see younger "adults" coming into the work place expecting (and I really mean expecting) over $100,000 a year salary right out of college (and yes, most are actually getting that) and are ticked off or annoyed if it doesn't happen right out of the gate when it took or is still taking us 50+ years to get there, if we even do. Granted, we don't all have college degrees, but we also didn't have parents to help us pay for college or lived at home until we were in our 20's or 30's like kids do today. That just really wasn't acceptable or allowed (at least when we grew up). I think for me, the most irritating part of all this is when we do try to guide or encourage our kids about life things or with their life situations and they seem to have all the answers it makes you feel like you don't know what to do next or they make you question yourself. Don't! Our kids today seem to be somewhat entitled or like they have a right to talk to us that way or worse, dismiss us as not being as informed as we are. That is not the truth. The truth is, the internet and the fact that they likely went to college and the world around them has made them think that they are far more advanced than we are. We may not have evolved like they think they have, but that does not make them right. It makes them think differently than us. Different, does not make them right and us wrong. It makes our ideas different. If our kids want to learn life lessons the hard way, let them. It's hard for us as parents, but it won't kill them. It's hard to watch and they may experience pain with those decisions, but if they insist they know better, let them see that they don't. If it turns out well for them, then great. Chances are, it won't and you will be proven right. You won't have to say, I told you so, they will know. It's just not worth the struggle of always trying to convince or prove to them that you know a better way, because they are already convinced you don't. So let them soar and let them learn however they choose to learn and know that sometimes they will choose the hard way and that's okay. Sometimes that hard way builds lasting character and that will teach them to allow their children to learn their life lessons the hard way rather than always making things easier for them. Also, when they try to attempt to help their children avoid learning life lessons the hard way and they still choose the other, they will know exactly how you are feeling today.

Appreciation

Today is Veteran's Day. It's a day to appreciation those who have served, are serving and will serve in our armed forces. While I believe we should appreciate them and thank them everyday, I'm glad we have a special day set aside for them specifically. I think as our current President of the United States has pulled our troops out of Afghanistan out of that God foresaken country that people as a whole have forgotten that we still have wars going on around the world and our military are being over looked a bit more. That makes me sad. It's not enough to just remember them once or twice a year. We need to recognize and appreciate them each and every day. There is a saying I've seen before that we don't know them all, but we owe them all. That is so true. They don't know all of us, but they are risking their lives for all of our freedom and safety. I would challenge us all to take a moment any time you see or meet a Veteran or active service member that you thank them and let them know you appreicate their service. That's the very least we can do for these young men and women who give so much for all of us.

Thirty Four and Twenty Five Years

WOW! It's hard to believe that you would have been Thirty Four years old this year and you've been gone from this earth Twenty Five years this year. Both of these are big years and yet it still feels like yesterday and still feels like you are Eight years old. How is that possible. Oh, you know I have to give a little sunshine in all this, because Chadman would be so happy right now, because until next Tuesday you are the same age as he is. He loved this time of year from May 25th until October 19th where the two of you were the same age. LOL! That boy loved that time of every single year. I'm sure he is wearing you out right now and soaking in every minute until your actual day arrives and then he will anxiously await until May 25th again so he can start all over again. Ha! Oh RED, would you love Cohen! You would be the best Aunt Jess in the whole wide world and he would love you, but boy would you love him. He is such a doll. He is so close to saying Ammy. He is now walking and get this.... His first steps he took were on Sunday on the 25th anniversary of your passing. Your momma sure needed that little splash of sunshine that day and then she was visited several times by a butterfly. Thank you for that sweet girl. You have had perfect timing, as usual. You would be super proud of your baby sister too. she is such a good mommy and she is such a hard worker and taking such good care of herself and Cohen. She bought herself a house by herself and has a great job and looks like she may be getting a new job making more money. She is doing great! She is beautiful inside and out, just like you. Saying you are missed is such an understatement it's unbelievable. I'm really glad you and Chadman are together again, but boy do we miss ya'll. We would never want you here in pain, ever! Selfishly, we want you here, but we would never want you in pain or suffering in any way. I know your mommy misses you and for me, I'm so glad she has Jorden and now Cohen to love on. He has been such a piece of joy and grace for her. I have to admit, he has been a slice of joy for me too. Jorden and your mommy have been amazing to let me be a part of every part of his little life. I'm so grateful. You make Chadman give you a huge birthday hug for me and you hug him right back for me and tell him his momma bear loves and misses him and just know that your Ammy loves and misses you so much too. I love you big much RED.

Brag Moment

I have to take a moment and brag on one of my dearest friends. She is like my twin sister from a different mister. We share the same name spelled the same way and we couldn't be more a like in so many ways. The biggest ways is we were single moms for 18 years, we both had one child, a son. We both stayed single a very long time and then dated our current husbands a long time (her 6 years and me 4 1/2 years before getting married). Sadly, we both lost our babies at the young age of 22 years old. While they were lost in different ways, the lost is still very devastating. My baby has been gone almost 11 years and her baby has been gone 3 years. One more thing we will soon have in common is our first and likely only tattoo which are both very personal and precious to us both. I know she wouldn't mind me sharing this here since I know only people who respect and care about me read this so I feel safe sharing. She has his finger prints and will have them in the shape of a heart in a tattoo by the same tattoo artist that did my precious tattoo. I absolutely love her choice. It will be a beautiful tribute and I hope brings her a little piece of happiness and peace to her heart each time she sees it. I love you my dearest friend. I can't wait to share this precious moment with you and honored you want me there with you.

Life Partner

I am no relationship expert by any means. I just want to state that right up front. I have, however, learned after 2 previously failed marriages, learned what not to do. I've also learned after a few birthdays, what is important and what is not so important when it comes to relationships. Some of these learnings can apply to other relationships and not just marriage or your life partner relationships. Is my marriage perfect? No, that would be a lie if anyone tried to claim that, but I do have a great marriage and I feel a very loving marriage. Some of the things I've learned and still learning along the way that I hope will help you along the way or in the future. To give a little background of myself first. I was first married young. My first marriage was when I was twenty years old. I was married for two years when I was fortunate enough to get pregnant with my son. He was a miracle baby for sure and it was a tough pregnancy and throughout the entire nine months we weren't sure I would carry him, but through the grace of God and according to my grandmother, her prayers, I did carry him and delivered him on May 25, 1988. While it was the most amazing day of my life, I also suffered from post-partum depression (although I didn't realize it and people didn't discuss that back then. To add insult to injury, my husband at the time the very day I came home from the hospital was found in the driveway doing drugs. I shut down at that moment. I won't go into the details of what the next 4 years of our "marriage" would involve, but I would tell you from that moment forward I was a single mom and I did endure things no wife should endure. I finally got smart and brave enough to finally leave. You would think I would have learned my lesson, but no. I didn't not allow myself the time to heal from the damage done, instead I ran to the first man that gave me "positive" attention and made me feel "safe" at the time. What I didn't realize at the time is that I had jumped from the pot into the fire. I spent the next ten years in a very mental and emotional abuse. At the end of this marriage when I finally had enough and discovered he was having an affair it was turning physical and I am certain had he not been aware my daddy was on his way he would have hurt me physically. So to say I'm a slow learning when it comes to matters of the heart would be an understatement of the year. I decided after that marriage ended that I was moving to Northwest Arkansas (as I knew he couldn't find me there) and start over. I had a job (so I thought) lined up and just as I arrived, that fell through. So arriving in a new state only knowing my sister and her husband with my 12 year old with me and very little personal belongings we moved into my sister's house and I began to look for a job and figure out how to start a new life. Talk about being terrified. What helped me take each step forward was watching my son come out of his shell and see him flurious outside the stress we were living under. I knew then I needed to give myself permission to let my heart and mind heal and so I did. For four years I did not go on a date or even have lunch with a man. I worked and focused on Chad and family and buying my first home on my own. That was the best decision I could have made not only for me, but for Chad as well and for my current marriage. First and foremost, you cannot go into a new relationship with old baggage from an old relationship, especially where there is hurt (and terrible hurt for sure). You need to give yourself whatever time is needed to give yourself healing time before allowing yourself to open your heart again to allow someone else in. It's truly not fair to the other person, but more than that, it's not fair to you to rush into a relationship without first healing hurts from the past. I've learned there should never been any tit for tat. In other words, don't keep score in a relationship. I've seen more times than I would like to count where one spouse says, well, my spouse had a night out with friends so now it's my turn. NO! Or, well, my spouse got a new (fill in the blank) so I'm going to buy a (fill in the blank). NO! That's not how this works. Also, once your are married or in a committed relationship and living together. It's no longer mine, it should be our. That drives me crazy. I hear it all the time. As far as finances goes. That has to be an individual decision. I understand each household can be different based on circumstances, but for us personally, we believe once you are married you should combine your account. There shouldn't be mine, his, etc. It's our account, our money. Regardless if one or both work, it should be our not one or the other. You can't always have division in a relationship and be at one together at the same time. It just doesn't work that way. If you are in a relationship that is not fulfilling you regardless what that might be and you discuss it with your partner and that partner is unwilling to change or at least give every effort to work on it and change then you are in the wrong relationship. If your partner truly loves you and is in love with you, they will do whatever they can to make sure you are happy and fulfilled. There is a difference in loving someone and being in love. Loving someone is an affection, a feeling and it fades. Being in love is an action, yearning for someone and a deep desire for someone. That is real and that lasts when things get tough. Life is messy, hard, unpredictable and unpleasant, but it can be wonderful with the right partner. I'm very lucky to have finally found that partner. It did take two failed marriages and 4 years of being along and then 4 1/2 years of dating him prior to getting married, but once we got married I knew we had a strong marriage. Is it perfect? No. Is it strong? Yes. We could not have gone through the death of Chad and still making it almost 11 years later if it wasn't strong. We are currently building our first house together and we are experiencing some challenges and frustrations on each of our sides that we are navigating through. We are getting there, but we are also learning as we go. We have and are still getting through the COVID pandemic together and come Oct. 1st we will go through me returning to the office again for the first time since March of 2020. That will be a huge adjustment for me and I'm guessing it will be for him as well as I am sure I will struggle on many levels. I am certain we will make it through it, but to say I'm not having some anxiety about it would be a lie. As far as partners and relationships, you will face trials and tribulations and if you don't have that mutual love and respect for each other and aren't truly in love with each other you will struggle more than you will ever imagine. Love will fade like infatuation, but truly being in love will stand firm. You have to be sure that you are truly in love and that your partner is truly in love with you and once you have established that you will know how to proceed. If you have established that you and your partner are not truly in love with each other then you have a big decision to make. You can either agree accept life as it is and keep it like that and that means you don't get to complain about it or bring it up to your partner any longer, because it's obvious it isn't going to change or you make the decision to leave. Either decision would be hard. If you have exhausted all other avenues like counseling, talking with your partner (likely mulitple times) or maybe even tried separation before and none of which have worked, then that is your answer. If you haven't tried some of those options, maybe it's time if you are in love with your partner and maybe your partner isn't sure or thinks they are in love with you, but doesn't know how to show it. It is very difficult for me to verbalize my feelings (which is why I write here) and I do have issues I need to talk to Tebo about and hopefully the timing works out for me to do just that this weekend. It's nothing earth shattering, but it is something I need to get off my chest. I hiope I get the chance to do that this weekend and if not I will have another chance, but in the meantime I will continue to love him and respect him until we get a chance to have our chat. My hope for you is that if you don't have the love of your life that is fulfilling you that you find that. If you do have that, I'm so glad you do and I hope that you continue to live your best life and continue to grow your love and life.

Confusion

To say there is so much confusion, not only with me, but in this world would be a huge understatement. You name it, politics, COVID, the anniversary of 9/11, vaccines, etc. There seems to be so much division and confusion going on in the world today and it is not just dividing political parties, but it is dividing friendships and sadly, families. All I can do is speak for myself personally. So that's what I will do. Personally it makes me really sad that so many things are no considered "political". COVID is killing so many people and now we have to include children and I've heard as young as 1 year old and some unborn babies as many pregnant women are losing their battle with COVID and yet there are so many out there refusing to get the vaccine, because they believe they are being forced by the government. Well, I don't know if we are being "forced" or not, but what I do know is that the vaccine is saving lives and I do believe that is the only way we are going to gain control over this pandemic. This stupid division over the whether to get the vaccine or not is literally driving families and friends apart and that is the saddest part of all of this outside the loss of life. I don't care what party you associate with, I do care if you get sick and die or someone you love does. There are so many "versions" of the truth about vaccines and the virus out there and yes, you have to decide for yourself what you shoudl or shouldn't do, but stop blaming the government. For years there have been vaccine mandages in place. Most of us had to be vaccinated to go to school and most of us had to have our children vaccinated before they could go to school and if you ever served or are serving in the military you were vaccinated with all sorts of things and trust me, you had/have no idea what they injected you with. That's the part I truly do not understand, there is so much opposition to this vaccination, but honestly, this vaccine has been developed and researched for years. We just had no reason to know about it because there were no cases out there. It's no different than when small pox was going around, people had to rush to get vaccinated because we were in a pandemic then and folks weren't resisting then, they wanted to make sure they didn't get infected so they got vaccinated. I've heard many people, family included, stating they didn't trust the vaccine because it was "rushed". Well, it was only rushed through the processed because we are in a pandemic. Would you rather continue to see people die and stay in a lock-down across the country or would you like to see our scientist work with all the government resources and push through the system to provide vaccine options to slow the spread of the virus? You can certainly choose. No one is telling you that you HAVE to get the vaccine. They might be telling you that you cannot work at a certain employer if you aren't vaccinated or eat at a certain restaurant if you aren't vaccinated or show proof of a recent negative COVID test. If that's what you choose, that's your option. If that's what you choose, then you can't be pissed that you get fired and can't draw unemployment or you get turned away from an eating establishment because you expressed your right not to get vaccinated or didn't get tested prior to showing up. That's actually what the mandate states. If you listen carefully rather than getting mad and already preparing your response before getting all the facts you would understand a bit more and maybe, just maybe, be a bit more informed. You might still choose not to get vaccinated, but maybe you wouldn't be so angry with everyone else that tends to agree with the mandage. Just a little food for thought. Another issue that has been weighing on me is the Afghanistan debacle. I've written about it before, but I don't think I could write about it enough. You know, the current president and his administration wants to blame everyone else, including the former president, for how things went down. Well, this is my personal opinion on this matter (again, my personal opinion and I don't expect anyone to agree). Whatever happened in the last administration was wiped away when the new administration took office. That's the way it has always been and always will be. It's no different than when a football team gets a new coach. They usually replace all the assistan coaches with their set of assistant coaches. No different in a company when they get a new CEO, they replace their SVPs and VPs and down the line with their own team. Well, that's what happens when we get a new President of the United States. They bring with them their own Vice President and then they clean house and start replacing those people with the folks they want in their place. Right? Of course they do. Every President has done that and this current administration is no different. Okay, well, if that is the case (and it is), then how wasn't the withdraw from Afghanistan "plan" not Biden's instead of Trump's? I am certain Biden is NOT running the country using Trump's playbook. I feel certain he entered this job with his own agenda. That being said, the plan to withdraw from Afghanistan was all President Biden's plan and direction and had nothing to do with former President Trump's previous plan. Once Biden took office all Trump's previous plans were trashed and Biden's plans took over. I get so sick of hearing this administration blaming everything on the previous administration. What makes me even sicker is all the "Americans" doing the same things. They go on social media and they are being so disrespectful to the President of the United States of America and voicing their opinions like it is the gospil and in ways that are so distasteful. Yes, everyone has a right to their opinion and freedom of speech, that's why I can write my blog and air my feelings here. However, what ever happened to respect and there is this one little thing of living what you preach. Let me explain... If you proclaim that you are a Christian, how can you be so distasteful on social media and disrespect people in ways that your children and people of the church will see that can potentially harm your testimony? That's a very slippery slope in my opinion (again, just mine). Trust me, I did not vote for Biden, I do not like Biden, I do not agree with most of what Biden stands for and I really do not agree with how he handled Afghanistan and how he is running this country. I do, however, respect the position of President of the United States. I love our country and most importantly, I want to set a good example and never intentionally say or post something that would in some way appear that I am setting a bad example for my kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews or great nephew. Adults, I beg you to think about that before you post the next social media post. Just saying. The final thought for the day is just remembering 9/11. It's hard for me to believe it's been 20 years since that faithful day. My precious son was 13 years old on 9/11 and I was at work at a doctor's office when the first tower was hit and I immediately thought, oh my God, I need to get to him. No one knew what was going on or who or what would be hit next. I just knew I needed to know that my son was safe. I called my sister and she went to the school and picked him up until I could get off work. Fast forward to Oct. 2007 and my son would enlist into the United States Marine Corps. He would serve almost his full 4 years until 5 weeks into his final deployment in Afghanistan when he stepped on an IED and was killed in action. So to say 9/11 has a particular impact on me (as most Americans) is an understatement so I was very emotional a bit more this year for whatever reason. Maybe it was due to all the division I see in this country and even with family and friends. Regardless the reason, it was a sad weekend to say the very least and that date also signifies 80 days until my son will be gone from this earth 11 years. On top of all of the above, we had just come off Labor Day weekend which marked 25 years since my precious niece had been diagnosed with brain cancer, which was the first time our family was rocked to it's core. We just didnt realize that would be the first of several times we would be rocked/tested in a major way. We, as a family, have proven to be pretty resilient, but it has shown that we are definitely fractured as a family as well. That part makes me sad, but I also understand that is to be expected I suppose. I know there will come a day when things will just come together as they are supposed to be, but I often find myself wondering when that time might be. I guess only time will tell. Until that time comes or the time comes that I find true peace, I will just continue to exist in this world and pray for the Lord to bring peace and togetherness to this country and most importantly to our families and friends as they should be. I love all my family and I miss the closeness we all once had and would love nothing more than to keep the promise I made daddy in his last days, but I also know I can only do so much and the rest has to be made by others. I will continue to do my part and pray the others will do their part at some point. All my love to my family and friends and all my peace and prayers to those I don't know that might, by chance, be reading this.