UGH!

To say I am frustrated would be a complete understatment. It is work. I love what I do, but for the last year after a company wide change in the main system we all work in was switched over to a new system and it has been a nightmare to say the very least. I'm tired and really sick and tired of things not working properly or even worse I am on week 7 where I come in and the system has wiped out the work I had done all week. Over it doesn't come close to even describing how I feel about all of this. I am working my rear-end off and my boss has my back (the only little bit of sunshine in all of this), but come on! Something has got to give or this momma needs to retire and retire soon. I'm just done. I'm so burnt out by the end of every day that I have no ambition to do anything around the house and that is not me. I want to cry most days and knowing that will only give me a cry headache, work is not worth that. Okay, I'm done with my venting for now, but I need to be able to catch a break and soon or I may really lose my ever loving mind.

Little things

I'm not sure I have never "not" heard, it's the little things that matter. Of course they matter, but even making sure we appreciate and recognize the little things, what happened to paying attention to the every day and big things. First and foremost, I love my husand and my family and my extended family. Truly, this love goes so deep for each and everyone of them. What get frustrating is when you are facing the hard stuff is when you need to lean on those people that you love deeply and know they will be there even if for emotional support. I'm learning there are very differnt people when facing difficulty/scary/tough times. You have those that draw closer to each other and are just there "with" each other no matter what. Then you have those people who tend to lash out during these times and actually fight about anything and everything, all of which are so minor given the situation you may find yourself in. This same mentality should, but doesn't appear to be the case in this what feels like a crazy life we are living in right now all across our country. It makes me extremely sad to see how the state of our country is at this time. The USA is supposed to be the greatest place to live in freedom and ability to have free speech, but as a lot of people say "nothing is free". Well, that tends to hold truth even in the times we live in today. In your work place they may say "say it in the room". Well my experience in that is only say it in the room if it is what they want to hear. Well, that is hyprocy at it's best in my opnion. In your family life you might be explaining something painful/hurtful to or for you and your family and/spouse or even closest friends may listen while you are talking, but are they really hearing what you are saying? I would say the later is likely more the case and that is sad. We as a people and US Americans need to find a way to be there not only for our family and friends, but for our fellow Americans. I don't see that like I did during 9/11. How sad is that. Now versus coming together we have one group of peoplep protesting peacefully and then you have another group of people usuing this as an excuse to just be violent and put innocent people, including our service memebers at risk and/or death. That is not okay. We have got to find a way to come together as a country, but personally we need to be able to support and love our loved ones especially when facing something servious and devastating. Yes, I may be on a bit of a soap box, but I'm so tired of seeing people I love and care for being treated ugly and quite frankly either adding to that ugliness or being ugly right back. This is not the time people! We cannot contril what other people do, but we most certainly control the way we react and respond to what people may or may not have done. Here's a novel idea, spread some good where ever you go and if you are hit with devastating news or treated less than how you would like to be treated, how about we learn to either have a positive response or walk away. Take the higher road people. We have today, we may not have tomorrow. Is that how you would want to leave this world with regret or bitterness in your heart? I know I sure don't. What a terrible thing to think about as we think about our furture.

Just my thoughts lately

I've done a lot of thinkng lately (yes I get that is dangerous). I said very early on when I lost my only child that I did not want that to define me. I've worked very hard to make that happen. Yes, some days I do better than others with this, but I continue to be aware and make that a priority for myself. What I didn't want to do is drown myself in unhealthy activities just to avoid facing the truth of my "new normal" life. I don't believe I've done that. Have I forever been changed as a person that's for sure. I am more withdrawn (if that could be possible)than ever before and honestly, I'm okay with that. I am very aware that others around me aren't as okay with that and for that, although I'm sorry if it bothers someone, I can't/won't change from how I am today. It's not that I necessarily want to change, but it's more of, this is home is a place of peace and solitude for me. There will be some that understand that and there will be some that don't. That's okay. I have watched many people I love and care for go through loss or difficult times and sadly some of those are not handling their situations very well. Before you can think it, I assure you I've already said it to myself. Everyone handles loss or difficult times differently. I totally and absolutely agree and acknowledge that. What is hard is when you see those people that end up living in that dark place and using substance to just cope or face the day and refuse to try and move forward is what is difficult for me to watch and understand. Here's the thing, in my opinion. We are supposed to bury our grandparents, parents and if we live long enough, possibly a spouse as that is the natural cycle of life. What isn't natural is having to out live our children. If you have been fortunately enough to have never lost a child I'm grateful for you for that. If you are navigating this horrific journey my heart breaks for you and I feel your pain (every moment you take breath). If you are unable to handle the natural cycle of life, how could you ever handle the harder things in life? Yes, it sucks to lose anyone we love and we are never ready. I get that, trust me, but you cannot let that not only define you, but you also cannot allow it to be or control your life. I have a saying that I tell my family and friends (and myself). You can be sad and blue today, but tomorrow you have to get up and face life to the best of your ability. You cannot stay in that dark place. If I could, I would never get out of the bed, face my peers, enteract with family and friends. I would just stay in bed and cry and hope I sleep. Don't think for a moment that this comes easy for me, because it doesn't. It is a conscious and deliberate decision I have to make each and every morning since a Wednesday on December, 1, 2010. Have I done a great or even good job of this? A resounding NO! Has it gotten easier almost 10 years later? Another resounding NO! I just know that giving up and doing nothing is certainly not an option nor is it healthy. In addition to just yourself, but if you are fortunate enough to have other children and a loving spouse and family and friends that love you, how fair is it to them for you to just give up? I will own it and admit to you now, there have been many and I mean many days that I have wanted to give up. I still have those days, but I force myself to put my feet on the floor and live my day. Some days I walk through my day in a completely dense fog and there are other days when I do, okay (not great, but okay). I have days when one small word can cause me to comletely break down and sob. I can't explain those moments and for a good long time I tried, but I've given up trying to explain that, I just let myself have that moment and then I have to make a very hard decision to get back up and try again. Listen, I do not have all the answers and I never will, but I do know that self destructing is not the answer and not living your best "new" life is not the answers. I have to believe there is a reason I am still here and my son is not. Number 1 if I don't believe that then I would go quite insane, number 2 I am no good to anyone and then my son's death would be in vain. I don't want that and I know he would not want that for me. If you have found yourselt in this situation and you ever need a person to talk to without judgement, but a person who can truly relate to the depth of hurt of losing someone you love dearly, you can alawys reach out to me and I would be more than happy to listen and support you, but just know that you can have your day, but you cannot stay in that dark place. You have to continue to live your best "new" life until the good Lord is ready to reunite you with your loved one. We are promised if we accept Christ into our hearts that one day you will be reunited. I don't know about you, but that makes it a tad bit easier to put my feet on the floor each day. May you find peace and comfort and find your "new" way through this journey you find yourself in. God bless.

In a moment...

Life can truly change in a moment in time and that change will last a lifetime. We have a sister that has been married 30 years and with her husband for 31 years and they were just here June 24th as our daddy was entering heaven. The day they returned home he started feeling bad and on Monday night when he coughed there was blood. He refused to go to the ER that night because it was late (I know, I don't know any other man that would do that, do you?). Tuesday morning he couldn't stop coughing and it was all blood. This time he agreed (like he had a choice) to go to the ER. Obviously with COVID she couldn't go in with him so she had to sit in the parking lot not knowing what is going on with her husband. Sadly it wouldn't be long before the dreaded news that he was in advanced stage 4 lung cancer. Oh, that's not all, it gets worse. It had spread to his throat, hips, right shoulder front and back, chest cavity, broncial tubes, and is in both lungs with the right one having the largest mass. With in 24 hours he had more tumors and they were growing. Basically they weren't giving him much hope for options. It was not operable and chemo in the traditional way was not an option. They got him stable enough, but they knew the news was bad so they finally let my sister join him in the hospital. That was scary because she had been told they would only let her in if he was at the end of life. Well, I guess he was/is. They finally completed the draining of the right lung and allowed him to go home, but since he didn't complain of pain they did not send him home with hospice. Needless to say, our sister is broken and terrified. The most time they have spent apart was when our daddy was in the hospital for open heart surgery and other than that they have been together every day and night. I cannot imagine facing that with my husband and we don't have 30 years of marriage (yet), but we are inseperable (well in my mind anyway). Seriously, I cannot imagine managing to live my life without him so I know she doesn't know how she is going to put one foot in front of the other when he is no longer here. What she isn't thinking about is that she is very strong and she will not know how strong she can be until that is all she has. Fortunately she has a son and daugher in law that love her and will do anything to help her through this journey and so will her family. If you are reading this I would plead with you to pray for her strength and for him to have little to no pain and not to suffer long. It is really hard to be in AR and her in TN and not be able to just be there when she needs us. I'm heartbroken over that, but we will get there and we will help however we can even if it is sitting on the deck with a glass of wine and cry, laugh, chat, or just be still and quiet.

Nine years and Nine months

Today marks exactly 9 years and 9 months that you were taken from this earth.  I still hurt the same as I did on that dreadful day.  I'm not better, I'm not happier.  I'm the same.  I feel numb most days and I literally leak tears on the inside every moment I am breathing.  I don't know how I have survived this long without you, but for whatever reason, I have.
Yes, I get up every morning and I go about the business at hand and do what I am supposed to do, but I can tell you it is much harder to do with the size hole in my heart. 
Chad, there isn't a moment that you are not missed and loved.  I am never without you crowding my mind and I don't believe that will ever change until we are reunited in heaven.
Tebo and our family and some close friends help me with encouragement or at times to just let me have my quiet time, but it never changes how I feel on the inside.  I often wonder why I'm still hear and you are not.  I see your friends moving on and having lives and doing the things that as parents we want to see them do.  I can't do that with you. 
I have been blessed beyond words you will never hear that Jorden is pregnant and is allowing me to be a huge part in this pregnancy.  She has honored you with naming him Cohen Wade.  It's so lovely that I get to play such an important role in this experience with her knowing I will never truly know what it is like to have a blood grandchild.  She is making me feel as close as I will ever get and I feel so blessed with that.  Chad, she is so beautiful and the closer to her due date (in Nov.) the more excited she gets.  Yes, I am pretty sure I have been a bit out of control with buying for him, but I just can't wait.  It feels like I have a little piece of you coming into this world and I love that feeling.  Of course I would never overstep (on purpose anyway) your aunt Paige's roll as "GiGi", but I am so grateful that they have both just let me be the bonus "Ammy" and be so involved.
Jorden even let me feel her tummy when she came for BoBo's funeral and it was the sweetest thing ever.  She is doing an amazing job with this pregnancy.  Caleb (her boyfriend) seems to be taking such good care of her.  Now, the only issue is I haven't gotten the chance to meet Caleb in person yet, but I do feel like I know him through Jorden and aunt Paige.  He made the Christmas ornament list last year so you know I like him for that to happen.  LOL.... 


God Chadman, my heart hurts so badly for you and I long for you all the time.  Last night or way early this morning in my dreams you finally appeared (very briefly) and all you did was reach your hand towards me, but that's all I saw.  I'm not sure what that means (if anything), but I felt a little peace just in that brief moment.  I wanted more (of course), but I will take whatever I can get.  I was watching the clouds the other day and trying so hard to see your face in them, but never did.  I will always keep watching for you and praying I see you soon.  I love you and you take good care of BoBo, Granny, Jessica, and Grandmother.