It just reopens my broken heart that I worked desperately every day to keep tucked down deep so others don't see it (best I can), but moments like what has taken place this week has made it very difficult.
Will I continue to carry on, of course. I don't really have another choice now do I? It just makes it harder to keep all these emotions tucked way down so no one else has to see it or wonder what to say or do to make it better. No one can make it better. That is not a slam towards anyone, especially my husband and family, but there truly is nothing anyone can do to make me feel better.
I hate this feeling, but I hate more the fact that my son is no longer on this earth. He didn't deserve to die at 22 years old, but he did sign up to serve our country and protect our freedoms knowing this was a true possibility for him, yet he did any way and for that I am proud. Yes, we supported him 100% from the moment he signed his papers, but that doesn't make my sadness any less.
If I could have taken his place I would have done it without hesitation and if I could give up my life and have him return to live the life he lost, again, I would do it without hesitation. The only thing I would ask would be to see him and hug his neck and kiss his forehead and tell him how proud I am of everything he has ever done on my way up.
I know this is impossible and will never happen and I will never see him again until I enter the gates of heaven. I won't lie, I pray daily that the Lord finds a reason to bring me home to be reunited with him and my other loved ones that are already there, but I know he isn't going to just answer that question. All I can do is keep putting my feet on the floor every morning and taking that stupid breath until the day the Lord says my work on this earth are done.
I've said before, I do not know how I am still living and my heart continues to beat as broken as it is. The pain of losing a child is the worse pain a person will ever experience. These parents this week that have lost their child and some their spouse right along with that child have my deepest sincere condolences as I know that without my spouse helping me these last 9 years I truly do not believe I would be here today. I can't imagine having had to face this horrific loss without my husband so for these spouses that also lost a child, I can't even imagine how hard this is and will be for them.
It has definitely been a heartbreaking week around the world and for me and I'm sure other parents that have lost a child, this just brings everything right back to the surface and feels just as raw as day one.
Dear Lord, wrap your arms around these families that have lost their children and spouses and encamp your angels around them and give them a source of peace and hope as they attempt to walk this journey that they truly have no clue how to yet. Keep them close and protect them from people who might try to make something ugly out of this tragedy. Allow those around them that love them to have the chance to step up and lend a hand or just a shoulder when they need it most.
I hate what this world has come to with the division and constant violence and reckless regard for one another. Lord, please reunite this world again and bring peace to our nation as a hold.
Lord, also, hug my son today and tell him his momma bear loves him and that I am so proud of him and I will see him as soon as you are ready for me to see him. Until then, Lord, help me keep on keeping on the best I can with very little heart I have left and help me to do good towards others even when I want to crawl into a hole. Thank you Lord.
No comments:
Post a Comment