Anxiety

You would think after nearly 9 years that as Dec. 1st approaches that the anxiety that literally feels like it is drowning me would ease up.  It does NOT!  Today it his me like a wall of water literally drowning me to the point that I'm having a hard time focusing and at times catching my breath. 


I don't ever want it to get easy, trust me, that isn't possible.  I guess I just thought that by now the anxiety of that approaching day would ease a little bit.  I'm truly stunned that after three thousand two hundred sixty nine days with 17 days to go to be 9 years that I would be better prepared to face Dec. 1st.  Well, I'm not.


I plan to cancel family dinner that Sunday and see if Tebo will take daddy for some time and just give me some quiet time to myself.  I'm sure he will and daddy will enjoy it.  The kids would have just been here the Sunday prior and that Thursday for Thanksgiving and to celebrate Tebo's birthday so I think they will completely understand.  I just think this is something I need to do on my own and in complete silence.


I'm so sorry son that I could not protect you and keep you safe.  There isn't a moment that I am breathing that I don't think about what I might have done or said to protect you.  That was my only job in life was take care of you and protect you and I didn't do that.  For that I may never forgive myself, but I keep that on the inside.  I know you were doing what you wanted and even when you asked me what you should do and I responded with sleep on it, talk to Katie, and pray about it and you didn't wait that this was something you were meant to do (in your heart anyway).  I had to support you.  I doubt seriously if I would have given you a different response, but knowing that I promised to support you 100% knowing you were heading into danger is a difficult thing for a mom to do, but I know I did the right thing, it's just hard to see on days like today.


I have never loved anyone or anything like I love you.  It's a different kind of love that only a parent to a child, especially a mom and her son, than any other love a person can have. 


I will miss you and long for you until I take my last breath.  I will never let you be forgotten (that's impossible).  If heaven had visiting hours I would over stay my welcome.  I love you son and I miss you in the most painful way that no words could ever truly describe.  I'm also so very proud of the young man you became and I would give anything in this world to just see how your life would be today.  I know that isn't possible so I will just have to wait until I join you one day, but get ready, because when I start hugging you I won't stop for a while and I won't care if we are on the parade deck or not. 


Eternally broken hearted and sad without you.