Anxiety

You would think after nearly 9 years that as Dec. 1st approaches that the anxiety that literally feels like it is drowning me would ease up.  It does NOT!  Today it his me like a wall of water literally drowning me to the point that I'm having a hard time focusing and at times catching my breath. 


I don't ever want it to get easy, trust me, that isn't possible.  I guess I just thought that by now the anxiety of that approaching day would ease a little bit.  I'm truly stunned that after three thousand two hundred sixty nine days with 17 days to go to be 9 years that I would be better prepared to face Dec. 1st.  Well, I'm not.


I plan to cancel family dinner that Sunday and see if Tebo will take daddy for some time and just give me some quiet time to myself.  I'm sure he will and daddy will enjoy it.  The kids would have just been here the Sunday prior and that Thursday for Thanksgiving and to celebrate Tebo's birthday so I think they will completely understand.  I just think this is something I need to do on my own and in complete silence.


I'm so sorry son that I could not protect you and keep you safe.  There isn't a moment that I am breathing that I don't think about what I might have done or said to protect you.  That was my only job in life was take care of you and protect you and I didn't do that.  For that I may never forgive myself, but I keep that on the inside.  I know you were doing what you wanted and even when you asked me what you should do and I responded with sleep on it, talk to Katie, and pray about it and you didn't wait that this was something you were meant to do (in your heart anyway).  I had to support you.  I doubt seriously if I would have given you a different response, but knowing that I promised to support you 100% knowing you were heading into danger is a difficult thing for a mom to do, but I know I did the right thing, it's just hard to see on days like today.


I have never loved anyone or anything like I love you.  It's a different kind of love that only a parent to a child, especially a mom and her son, than any other love a person can have. 


I will miss you and long for you until I take my last breath.  I will never let you be forgotten (that's impossible).  If heaven had visiting hours I would over stay my welcome.  I love you son and I miss you in the most painful way that no words could ever truly describe.  I'm also so very proud of the young man you became and I would give anything in this world to just see how your life would be today.  I know that isn't possible so I will just have to wait until I join you one day, but get ready, because when I start hugging you I won't stop for a while and I won't care if we are on the parade deck or not. 


Eternally broken hearted and sad without you.



WHY?

I know, you aren't really supposed to ask why, but good grief!  Why does it seem like some people can't catch a freaking break?  I get that the Lord allows us to experience trails and tribulations for a reason and we may never know that reason until we get to heaven and let's face it, by then we won't care.
However, that doesn't change the fact that you have so many good people out there fighting fights that feel impossible to win, but you know they will and then you add insult to injury by adding additional hardship.  Why?
Why do parents lose children, why do young people get cancer, why do some people that may not be living the best life seem to just breeze through life always come out smelling like a rose and those trying to do right can't seem to catch a break.
I don't know the answers to any of this and the good Lord knows I wish I did, but that's not possible.
What I do know is if you know someone or have a loved one going through trials and tribulations and can't seem to catch a break do something.  It doesn't have to be much.  Maybe just a card or a letter or phone call or text that  you are thinking of them.  Even if you can't physically do something for them or be there, at least reach out however you can and let them know they are not alone.


Right now I have a sister battling breast cancer and she is only 50 years old.  While that is older than my youngest sister who battled and won her fight against breast cancer in her 30's, it still sucks.  It seems like if it's not one thing going on with them it's another and it's not just her or them personally, it's loved ones around them that are feeling impacts of what feels like injustice.  I know they will come through all this stronger and better than when they started, but please Lord, look down and have mercy on my sister and her family.  Surround them all in peace and comfort and show them the light is near for this journey to come to an end.
I know there is likely a lesson to be learned somewhere in all this, but it sure would be nice if they could catch a break at some point and soon. 


Thank you Lord Jesus and I truly am trying not to ask WHY, but today is a hard day and I'm struggling not asking that question.  I lay it in your hands. 

Braving Chemo along Selfie ---  You've got this sis!





Only When I Breathe

I miss you and feel this huge hole in my heart and feel like I am drowning in sorrow, only when I am breathing. 
It is a pain and heartache like I have never felt or imagined I could feel.
December 1, 2019 will mark 9 years since you left this earth and I can honestly say that I feel no different today than I did that day.  Sure, I fake it when I am around other people and make it through each day working and taking care of Tebo and daddy best I can as well as maintaining the house, but I can tell you that not only is it a struggle 24/7 365, but it is truly exhausting.  It's a kind of exhaustion that you can't really put into words and until you have lived through the loss of your child, and in my case my only child, you can never know how this feels.
I put my feet on the floor every day and do what is expected of me, because I really do not have another option, but it is so difficult and I know I don't do well probably more days than I do, but I continue to try.
I'm not sure I will ever not feel this way, but I continue to push through the best I can.  It's just my hope that one day it will become possible for me to retire at Tyson and focus on Tebo, daddy and my own heart healing rather than put on this fake face everyday.  I'm not sure when I will get that chance, but I pray daily that it is sooner than later. 
I miss you, son.  That feels like such an understatement.  I miss you so desperately that I literally and physically hurt.