Having moved daddy into our house with us has been a huge blessing and I am so grateful to take care of him. He spent nearly 18 years taking care of me so the least I can do is take care of him now.
However, doing this I am finding it very hard to balance marriage, daddy, work, house chores, friends, basically everything.
I feel guilty that I don't feel I am putting my husband first. It's not that he has said anything to me, it's all me feeling this way. He might be feeling neglected, but he has not verbalized it (yet).
I feel guilty that I don't have my at least one day a week to go the cemetery to have my quiet time to think about my son. Any day that I seem to have a few minutes that I could do that either the weather isn't cooperating or I feel guilty about leaving my desk at lunch.
I feel guilty that I'm not giving daddy enough of my time although it feels like that is all I do when I am with him. I feel guilty dropping him off to another caregiver so I can go to the office.
I feel guilty that I may not be giving work 100% of what they need from me right now.
I do know that eventually we will find a good routine and a lot of this will iron itself out, but until then the heaviness of this guilt feels like more than I can bear at times.
I've been made to feel guilty for working from home when someone thinks I should be in the office and then I feel guilty when I do go to the office, because not all mornings does daddy understand it isn't Saturday and I should be home.
I don't know how to balance all this yet. I do know that it will come and I will figure it out, but I have to admit, my shoulders feel very heavy right now and when I feel I have let someone down or disappointed them just absolutely tears me up from the inside out. I can't think, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus. I feel paralyzed in my mind and in my heart when that happens. Well, last night and today that is exactly how I feel and it takes a lot for me some days to pull myself out of that place.
I will, but it takes a lot for it to happen.... Until a better day I suppose.
No comments:
Post a Comment