Wednesday, July 29, 2015

When the sadness floods

There are days when I am able to control all emotions and keep my tears at bay, then there are days I cannot.

This week has been tough.  I don't know why and there was a time I felt I had to explain these weeks, but now I don't feel that need.  It still frustrates me when I am unable to control those emotions, but I've finally gotten to the point that I don't feel the need to explain as much.  I'm not completely there, but I'm certainly closer than I was.

It's those days when you have no choice but to go to work and face people, but emotions take control of your day and you find yourself hiding out in the bathroom just so the tears can flow without people asking what is wrong.

It's those days when you feel like you might explode so you walk away from your desk and just start walking the parking lot.  You walk and think and walk and try not to think and walk and tell yourself you have to get your crap together, because you have to finish out your day.

It's those days when all you can do is go to the cemetery and sit there playing "Dancing in the Sky" and weeping, because there is seriously nothing else you can do to make it through the rest of the day.

Welcome to my "normal" weeks.  Don't get me wrong, most days, I can fake it with the best of them. I can laugh and joke around and flip crap to people all day.  Inside, I'm dying!  I'm crying!  I'm screaming!  That's the "REAL" me these days, but unfortunately or fortunately, that's MY life now.  I hate it.  Every day I hate it!  I just do not have a different choice.

I miss my son more than words could ever express and there is nothing anyone could do or say that will ever make that ok.

I love you son and I miss you only when I breathe!

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