Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Another missing you day

Today is no different than any other day I've lived since 12-1-10.  It just happens to be one of those days when I can't seem to stop or control my emotions.  Wouldn't it be nice to know what triggers "those days"?  I know for me it would be simply so I could plan  and schedule my days/weeks/months/years around those days, but turns out, it's not as easy as planning that. 

It started out today with remembering you playing outside at around age 41/2 - 5 years old and you were pretending to be a Marine and made your buddy be in the Army.  You both played all afternoon until you decided it was time to ride motorcycles.  You were "riding" a Harley and your buddy was on a Honda.  You were so funny.  Back then you were quite the leader (some would have said bossy) when it came to playing outside and your imagination was great!  You put all you had into whatever you were doing.

That little memory reminded me of when you told me you were wanting to enlist.  You were so amazing.  I simply asked you to give it 3 months and do your research and if after 3 months you were still serious and wanted to enlist I would support you 100%.  Not only did you give it the 3 months, but you worked out and did mock up boot camp training with your recruiter.  You did your research and you worked hard at making sure this is what you wanted.  Even with most of your family, myself and BoBo included, trying to convince you to enlist in any other branch than the Marine Corps, that wasn't happening.  You said, mom, if I'm going to do this I'm going to be with the best of the best.  You were not only with the best of the best, you WERE the best of the best. 

I have always been proud of you and when I didn't think I could be more proud, you would go and do something that caused me to feel more pride.  You were simply amazing like that.

That caused me to remember your wedding.  I just knew I would never love or even like any girl you would bring home.  I also said you would marry the first girl you fell for and brought home and you did.  Seeing the love in your eyes for her made me love her instantly.  Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to watch you walk down that aisle and get married and for giving me another bonus daughter.  I did like her and even loved her (and still do).  I even surprised myself, because for me, I was always the only woman in your life and the thought of sharing that with anyone just seemed impossible for me, but leave it to you to love someone so much that I couldn't not love her.  You both allowed me to be so involved with the wedding (heck, I courted her for 9 months while you were deployed) and live that moment with you every moment.  There are many moms that never got that chance so thank you for giving me that and for surprising me with loving the first girl you brought home.

Then the memories of you with all your friends (Marine & school).  They all loved you and still do.  You must have been a heck of a friend.  If you were even a spec of a friend as you were a son I know you were amazing. 

My heart and arms ache just wanting to hold you and kiss your forehead again.  I would give anything to hear your voice and see that crooked smile.  Life is missing such a huge piece since you left this earth and it just isn't the same without you. 

Until that day I get to see you again I will forever ache for you and there will forever be this whole in my heart that will forever be vacant for that is where you belong and only you. 

Love, Momma Bear

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