Baby boy

Me & Chad Christmas... Loved those little gowns

To think I went from being told I would most likely not be able to get pregnant to having a child that just blessed me in ways I didn't know were possible.  I knew children changed your life and were a blessing, but I completely under estimated just how much of a blessing he would truly be.

See, for most of his life it was just me and Chad. We had to depend on each other for whatever this crazy world decided to offer up.  We shared joys, grief, accomplishments, and failures. We were hyper and dorky together.  We just worked well together.  

When he was really young there was a song about a groovy kind of love (I can't remember much else about it) but when it would come on the radio in the car we would just sing as loud as we could and sing to each other.  That was a good way to describe our relationship.  We sang in the car a lot.  That boy loved music and if he really liked a song he would sing it with all he had in him. I miss that.  I miss everything about him. This world is just not the same without him and it never will be. 

Sweet baby boy

At church Collierville Assembly of God

Me & him at BoBo & Nana's house in Fisherville

Promise the stove wasn't on.  He climbed in the pot so I had to put him up there

Me with Chad & Jessica - <3

Graduation from high school weekend

Me & him shortly after moving to AR

When the sadness floods

There are days when I am able to control all emotions and keep my tears at bay, then there are days I cannot.

This week has been tough.  I don't know why and there was a time I felt I had to explain these weeks, but now I don't feel that need.  It still frustrates me when I am unable to control those emotions, but I've finally gotten to the point that I don't feel the need to explain as much.  I'm not completely there, but I'm certainly closer than I was.

It's those days when you have no choice but to go to work and face people, but emotions take control of your day and you find yourself hiding out in the bathroom just so the tears can flow without people asking what is wrong.

It's those days when you feel like you might explode so you walk away from your desk and just start walking the parking lot.  You walk and think and walk and try not to think and walk and tell yourself you have to get your crap together, because you have to finish out your day.

It's those days when all you can do is go to the cemetery and sit there playing "Dancing in the Sky" and weeping, because there is seriously nothing else you can do to make it through the rest of the day.

Welcome to my "normal" weeks.  Don't get me wrong, most days, I can fake it with the best of them. I can laugh and joke around and flip crap to people all day.  Inside, I'm dying!  I'm crying!  I'm screaming!  That's the "REAL" me these days, but unfortunately or fortunately, that's MY life now.  I hate it.  Every day I hate it!  I just do not have a different choice.

I miss my son more than words could ever express and there is nothing anyone could do or say that will ever make that ok.

I love you son and I miss you only when I breathe!

Another missing you day

Today is no different than any other day I've lived since 12-1-10.  It just happens to be one of those days when I can't seem to stop or control my emotions.  Wouldn't it be nice to know what triggers "those days"?  I know for me it would be simply so I could plan  and schedule my days/weeks/months/years around those days, but turns out, it's not as easy as planning that. 

It started out today with remembering you playing outside at around age 41/2 - 5 years old and you were pretending to be a Marine and made your buddy be in the Army.  You both played all afternoon until you decided it was time to ride motorcycles.  You were "riding" a Harley and your buddy was on a Honda.  You were so funny.  Back then you were quite the leader (some would have said bossy) when it came to playing outside and your imagination was great!  You put all you had into whatever you were doing.

That little memory reminded me of when you told me you were wanting to enlist.  You were so amazing.  I simply asked you to give it 3 months and do your research and if after 3 months you were still serious and wanted to enlist I would support you 100%.  Not only did you give it the 3 months, but you worked out and did mock up boot camp training with your recruiter.  You did your research and you worked hard at making sure this is what you wanted.  Even with most of your family, myself and BoBo included, trying to convince you to enlist in any other branch than the Marine Corps, that wasn't happening.  You said, mom, if I'm going to do this I'm going to be with the best of the best.  You were not only with the best of the best, you WERE the best of the best. 

I have always been proud of you and when I didn't think I could be more proud, you would go and do something that caused me to feel more pride.  You were simply amazing like that.

That caused me to remember your wedding.  I just knew I would never love or even like any girl you would bring home.  I also said you would marry the first girl you fell for and brought home and you did.  Seeing the love in your eyes for her made me love her instantly.  Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to watch you walk down that aisle and get married and for giving me another bonus daughter.  I did like her and even loved her (and still do).  I even surprised myself, because for me, I was always the only woman in your life and the thought of sharing that with anyone just seemed impossible for me, but leave it to you to love someone so much that I couldn't not love her.  You both allowed me to be so involved with the wedding (heck, I courted her for 9 months while you were deployed) and live that moment with you every moment.  There are many moms that never got that chance so thank you for giving me that and for surprising me with loving the first girl you brought home.

Then the memories of you with all your friends (Marine & school).  They all loved you and still do.  You must have been a heck of a friend.  If you were even a spec of a friend as you were a son I know you were amazing. 

My heart and arms ache just wanting to hold you and kiss your forehead again.  I would give anything to hear your voice and see that crooked smile.  Life is missing such a huge piece since you left this earth and it just isn't the same without you. 

Until that day I get to see you again I will forever ache for you and there will forever be this whole in my heart that will forever be vacant for that is where you belong and only you. 

Love, Momma Bear

When you have had enough

It's been one of those months.  I would say day, but it feels like this has just hung around and hung around that I can only adequately describe it as "one of those months". 

Work is insane to say the very least.  I've been doing my current position for 6 years and honestly it feels like every year they change something about it, but the changes we are currently going through and even more changes to come in the next 80 days is a bit over the top.  I feel extremely overwhelmed and frustrated and at the same time, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. 

Then all sets of parents are having their own issues.  When there is distance between us and only so many kids that live close enough to actually physically be there to help it makes it very difficult.  I'm fortunate that I have a sister with each set of parents on my side that can be there and a sister on Tebo's side that can be there for his mom, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing you can't do it all and then when you do have a weekend without company or an event, you really need to be with the parents. 

Life is just a bit out of control these days.  I know I'm not getting all I need to get done at my own house let alone doing extra for the parents.  It seems to always be one thing or another.

I also know I'm not the only one dealing with this.  My sisters that are closer geographically to the parents have lives and jobs as well so I feel terrible that their lives are disrupted like they are and that I can't be more hands on than I am and I certainly hate to complain to them, but hey, that's what sisters are for, right?  I would expect them to complain to me and even though we all know there is nothing any of us can do about it, sometimes it just feels better to get it off your chest and move on.

So that's what I did today.  It quite possibly kept me from going "Redneck Crazy" on people at work and allowed me to just get it off my chest for a moment so I could at least finish out the day without breaking down in tears.  Besides, what good would crying do outside of giving me a cry headache and we all know how hard it is to get rid of those rascals. 

Double Dog Dare

Do you remember daring someone to do something and then to entice them even more you throw out the "Double Dog Dare".  No one can refuse the Double Dog Dare, right?

Well, life has been a little on the stressful and emotional side lately and I decided to bring up a fun and light hearted moment between sisters not long ago.  You have to have fun in life and sisters or siblings in general should always be able to have fun and laugh together, but you should always be able to "Double Dog Dare" your sibling and you know they can't not do it which makes it all the more fun.

So my sister, Paige, and I were on the phone one night and she was telling me that she was getting up early in the morning to go work out.  Of course, I laugh because I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to exercise and certainly first thing in the morning.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm a morning person to a fault.  However, when I'm up early the last thing I want to do is work out.  I would much rather clean or start working, but working out, nope, never crosses my mind.  :)

Anyway, I can't remember exactly how the conversation went now, but I do remember her talking about some pole she had to use when working out and she said it was too heavy.  I told her then just use a broom and she laughed and then I Double Dog dared her to and she said she would.  Of course I told her I needed proof of said broom so low and behold, she did it.  I'm pretty sure we named him "Bob", but don't hold me to that.

So for everyone out there that might be feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders lately and feeling stressed and/or emotional, here is your smile for today that I hope at least puts a little sunshine in your day, it did mine and honestly, I needed it.  Enjoy!

Thanks sis for the fun.  You are pretty good at accepting dares (always have been), but more than that, thank you for being able to laugh with even when we all have so much going on in life right now.

We all need to be able to laugh and have fun with our family and friends, but more importantly, with our family.  Families have so much on them these days from raising small children to aging parents and so much in between that we need to be able to let our hair down and just have some fun even if it is with a broom.

Go love your family a little more today and laugh a lot!