Four Years

It is hard to believe it's been four years and other times it feels like it's been forever since I've hugged you or just been in your presence.  To say you are missed would be a true understatement.  No real words exist (that I've been able to find yet anyway) to truly express the sadness and pain that comes with you not being on this earth everyday.

At the same time there is that pain and sadness, strangely there is a certain amount of peace that flows knowing you are not suffering or having to watch your brothers suffer on a daily basis.  As odd as that sounds, it does give me a certain amount of peace.

This day in 2010 will never leave us.  I will never forget what it felt like for that doorbell to ring and Tebo telling me they were in uniform.  I felt sick and at the same time, I knew why they were there at that point.  I didn't want to believe it and honestly, I still don't today, but I had to accept it.

If I'm breathing, I am missing you.  If I'm breathing, I long for you.  If I'm breathing, the pain is there.  I would have given my life to spare yours without a second thought.  That's just what parents do I suppose, but more than just words, I would have done that.  You had so much life yet to live, but I have to believe the Lord spared you from a far worse fate and that's what I have to remember and remind myself daily of.

Chad, you were truly the best thing I ever did in my life.  You made me proud to call you son and still today seeing the lives you continue to touch make me just as proud of you as if you were still on this earth.

I won't lie, some days it feels impossible to go on.  It hurts too much!  I know that isn't an option and for as long as the Lord sees fit to keep me on this earth that is how it will be and I will do the best I can at continuing to try and make you proud and take care of your buddies and their families.

You would be so proud of them call, son.  They do such a great job of checking on us and making sure we are as ok as we can be and for that we will forever be grateful.  That makes me believe even more that not only were you a great friend, you picked great friends.  Once again, making me proud to call you my son.

Four years.... It's just hard to believe it's been four years.  I don't want these past four years the way we had to live them and I don't want the next, however many years we have, but it is what it is and I promise to do the best I can to carry on and try to make you as proud as I can.

You are loved and missed every day and only when I breathe.