Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The Visit

Last night, November 24, 2014, I had my first dream of Chad.  It was simple and short, but the most powerful thing I've ever experienced.  I wasn't sure I was going to even say anything to anyone, but it was just so real and touched me in such a profound way I had to share it.  I told Tebo and I was a bit worried he would think I was crazy(ier), but I should have known this would be how he would respond.  He just simply said, "I think it's great".  What?  That's what flashed through my head for a split second.  You don't think I'm crazy?  That's what was running through my head, but he was absolutely perfect.  I needed that validation I guess to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy. 
Several people had told me that Chad would "visit me" in my dreams, but I never got that.  Others said they had dreams about Chad and I was beginning to think it would never happen to me.  The only thoughts I had in my sleep of Chad were all of the doorbell ringing or what the incident may have been like, but nothing as precious as this.
When I say it was simple, it really was.  I will share that moment with those willing to read this and if no one does, then it will just be for me.  I'm good either way.

Tebo and I were somewhere (not sure where), but we had visitors come over (I don't know who these visitors were), but suddenly Chad appeared and took his jacket off and he was wearing a white t-shirt (I couldn't see the whole t-shirt, but for some reason it felt like it was his favorite TN t-shirt).  He leaned down and hugged me and said "I love you mom".  I said, oh I love you too son and I miss you.  He just kept telling me he loved me and hugging me like he always did when he really needed a hug.  Then he said, "mom, I have to go".  I kept asking him to stay and he would tell me he loved me, but he had to go and just like that it was over. 

When I tell you it felt real, it truly did.  It was as if I could truly feel his arms around me tightly.  It actually reminded me of the hug he gave me when he called me back to the graduation location of his high school graduation and hugged me when he really needed one.  He just held on and I held right back.  I didn't want it to stop and even as I type this I can't stop the flow of tears.  I don't know if the tears are happy or sad, but regardless, they won't stop. 

It will be four (4) years Monday, December 1st, since he left this earth and missing him is physically and emotionally painful.  I don't believe it will ever get easier (as it shouldn't get easy to miss my baby), I believe, for me, I will get better at living in a somewhat fake way of surviving each day.  Some days are easier to do this than others and some days just feel like I am going through the motions of life and at the end of the day not even sure how I did it.  I guess that is just one of the ways the Lord steps in and just handles my day in my place and allows me to be lost in my thoughts of Chad.

If Chad were able to hear me I would speak this little note to him:

Sweet son, thank you for the visit that filled my heart
with a warm and comforting feeling.
You had to go as quickly as you arrived, almost like real life.
It was as hard to let go of that hug from you as it was everyday of your life on earth.
I cherish every moment I had with you and I long for even one more.
I believe that longing will last until we meet again at the gates of heaven.
There isn't a moment when I'm breathing that I'm not missing and loving you.
This world is not the same with you not in it and it's felt without ceasing.
The only comfort I can find in not having you here is that you aren't suffering
and I know you are with our other loved ones that went before you and
that I will see you again one day.  
The knowledge of that is truly what helps me get up each day and put my feet on the floor.
I hope  you are dancing with the angels and hunting, fishing, and playing golf if that is allowed.
Thank you for being the kind of friend that has made it possible for your friends to continue loving
me for you so that it feels like I continue to have a piece of you all around me.
Again, sweet son, thank you for the special hug and the I love yous you gave me Monday night.
I've waited almost four years for that little visit and I will cherish it always.
love, mom


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