Sunday, November 2, 2014

Twenty Nine

That's how many days until it has officially been 4 years since Chad left this earth.  Four years!  It still feels like yesterday, but when I started thinking of 4 years I thought, WOW!  The first 4 years of your baby's life tend to go so quickly and before you know you are getting school shots for kindergarten.  It takes 4 years to get through high school.  He would have completed 4 years in the Marine Corps shortly after returning home from Afghanistan.  So really, 4 years seems like nothing, but this 4 years has felt almost like it's been frozen in time.  It's very odd, really.  In some ways it feels like yesterday and in other ways it feels forever.  The only way it feels forever for me is in the fact that it feels like forever since I've seen that crooked smile.  Forever since I've gotten that amazing hug from him.  Forever since I've smelled him (you know, that distinct smell that lets you know your son is in the room).  I miss all of that.  That's how it feels forever.  However, every morning it feels like yesterday that the doorbell rang.  It feels like yesterday when we were thrown into this vortex of craziness that went so fast that once it was all over I had to stop and try to remember what just happened.  There are days now that I have to physically stop and try and remember the details during that craziness.
Twenty nine days and I will be forced to realize that I have managed in some odd way to continue breathing without my sweet boy on this earth.  In some ways that really pisses me off and in other ways I wonder how I've been able to accomplish that.  Some of those days were truly a blur and not really sure how I got from morning until night.  Most days I feel I just go through the motions and once I get home it feels good to just exhale and not fake a smile or fake being glad to be wherever I am at the moment.
Life does go on.  I don't have to like it and I don't even have to want it, but it does.  Today and in 29 days I will miss him just as much as the moment on 12-1-10 when that doorbell rang and I knew I would never get to see him alive on this earth again.  That will never change.  I don't care what people say, it doesn't get easier and you don't miss them less and you don't think of them less.  Others just don't want to discuss it as much, and that is ok.  Everyone has their own ways of getting through the next day and dealing with loss.  For me, I'm not real sure how I deal with any of it or if I even do. I know I don't have a choice and I am extremely blessed with all the bonus kids I have.  I'm lucky enough to have Tia, Trevor, Candi, Nathan, and Lil Miss (Lorin) and all Chad's high school friends that have been so amazing to have just adopted us and all his Marine buddies that continue to take care of us and making sure we are ok.  I have an amazing family and my husband couldn't be more perfect for me.  None of this takes away the pain of not having my Chadman here, but it sure makes it easier to cope day to day.
Until that day when I get to see him again I will continue to miss him, but I will love all my bonus kids to the fullest and their babies as well as my family that continues to help me get through each and every day.
I saw a perfect quote today:  The hardest part wasn't losing you, it was learning to live without you...  I don't know the author, but it speaks volumes.

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