Twenty nine days and I will be forced to realize that I have managed in some odd way to continue breathing without my sweet boy on this earth. In some ways that really pisses me off and in other ways I wonder how I've been able to accomplish that. Some of those days were truly a blur and not really sure how I got from morning until night. Most days I feel I just go through the motions and once I get home it feels good to just exhale and not fake a smile or fake being glad to be wherever I am at the moment.
Life does go on. I don't have to like it and I don't even have to want it, but it does. Today and in 29 days I will miss him just as much as the moment on 12-1-10 when that doorbell rang and I knew I would never get to see him alive on this earth again. That will never change. I don't care what people say, it doesn't get easier and you don't miss them less and you don't think of them less. Others just don't want to discuss it as much, and that is ok. Everyone has their own ways of getting through the next day and dealing with loss. For me, I'm not real sure how I deal with any of it or if I even do. I know I don't have a choice and I am extremely blessed with all the bonus kids I have. I'm lucky enough to have Tia, Trevor, Candi, Nathan, and Lil Miss (Lorin) and all Chad's high school friends that have been so amazing to have just adopted us and all his Marine buddies that continue to take care of us and making sure we are ok. I have an amazing family and my husband couldn't be more perfect for me. None of this takes away the pain of not having my Chadman here, but it sure makes it easier to cope day to day.
Until that day when I get to see him again I will continue to miss him, but I will love all my bonus kids to the fullest and their babies as well as my family that continues to help me get through each and every day.
I saw a perfect quote today: The hardest part wasn't losing you, it was learning to live without you... I don't know the author, but it speaks volumes.