I've never been one to share publicly that I struggle with anxiety and have for as long as I can remember. There are a couple of sisters and my best friend and of course my husband that are aware, but that's it. I do believe since the passing of Chad the anxiety has become much worse and I know I've become far more anti-social, but I've always been very much a home-body since a kid.
Since October, more specifically October 4th, things have just piled up and been boiling and building up to a scary point.
There were very significant things that took place on October 4, 2021. First, it was my first day back in the office in almost 2 years. We had to wear masks (still are) at our desk and all day at work. We had to enter one door, do temperature checks, and exit a different desk, no conference rooms so Zoom calls for all meetings while sitting at our desks and no gathering in the halls or at each other desks. So again, why be at the office? Oh, and only 2 people per elevator at a time. SMH
To add to this lovely Oct. 4th day, that evening about 15 minutes after Tebo and I came inside after visiting with our neighbor and it had just gotten dark outside there was a knock on the patio door. I opened the door thinking it was the neighbor we were just visiting with, but I couldn't have been more wrong. It was a man we had never seen before with two other men we had just seen walking back and forth through the courtyard while we were visiting with our next door neighbor and who were obviously intoxicated and the man's wife with her dog (who repeatedly did not have her large dog on a leash in the courtyard and it charged at Tebo growling mulitiple times). The man was in my face screaming with his finger in my face screaming obsenities. Tebo immediately jumped to his feet and was in the doorway before I knew it. He had a beer in his hand (he too had a lot of liquid courage) and was swinging at Tebo with noodle arms. Tebo gained control of his arms and crushed the beer can and threw it to the ground and the man tried to get Tebo in a head lock, but Tebo gained control of his other arm and bull nosed him off the patio and the group finally retreated. Tebo had a small cut on his forehead, but enough that he was bledding. Shewwwww, what a first day to return to the office.
Then during the same month, we learned from our builder that not only would our house not be ready in Nov. or Dec., but it now won't be ready in January, but he hoped (hoped) to have us wrapped up by the end of March. End of March! WTH! I was so defeated at this point. With the drama of the incident at the apartment and the lack of care the management showed to us and the lack of security and the fact that we will now be in this apartment for a full year I was just so disappointed.
Then I can't complain because every time I do I seem to get shot down or made to feel I needed to expect delays so I will just keep my opinions to myself and I will keep my frustrations on the noisey upstair neighbors and the slackness (if that's even a word) of the management of the apartments to myself as well. None of it is even worth it anymore to me. I will just buy my time until we can get in the house at this point.
Suddenly over last weekend I finally realized why all this is getting to me so much. We were initially expected to be in the house prior to Luke arriving which would have given me time to get settled and mentally and emotionally ready for him, but to also get myself in a routine prior. Then that would give me time to get mentally and emotionally prepared for May to arrive and prepare myself for what would have been Chad's 34th birthday which always falls on Memorial Day weekend. That's a very hard time of year almost more than December 1st. However, it is hard for most people to understand that. The response I've gotten from most people is, well, let's be real, you are always unpacked in a weekend so you will have plenty of time. Okay, here is the issue with that comment. It is not about being unpacked. I never said it was about being unpacked. It is about feeling settled and getting a routine and getting emotionally and mentally ready first for Luke's arrival and then for May to hit. Well, obviously we will not be in before Luke arrives and there is no way with Luke here March 11th and loving on him and the change that brings that I will even be close to prepared for May to be here and it being the 12th birthday that Chad has not been on this earth. But you know, it is what it is and if I'm surrounded by those that don't and can't get it I will just add this to those things that I can't control and will have to push down deep inside so that no one is uncomfortable and don't have to worry about my feeilngs. I just go through times off and on during life that I have absolutely no control of my life and since October for this wave of that I am in that space of no control.
It sucks, because I am very much about being in control of my life and feelings and when I am not, my anxiety is off the charts and trust me, right now and since Oct. it has been. I'm trying a new medicine to see if that at least helps me sleep better to see if that helps some, but so far I'm not seeing huge gains there yet, but I'm trying to be patient with that.
My hope and prayer would be that some compassionate and as much understanding as possible could come from those that have responses like I've been receiving, but honestly, unless they had to walk in my shoes (which I would never want) they really wouldn't be able to comprehend. Or, maybe they do or can, but they are just much stronger than I am and that too is very possible. Maybe I am just so broken that I'm not near as strong as I believed myself to be. Hmmmm... Who knows. All I know is the way I feel now, sucks big time. I know it will eventually ease until the next trigger and I will find a way to navigate through that one just as I have the last eleven years.
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