When feelings have a color

When I can decribe my feelings with a color today, it would be blue. On the outside I look like I always do, but on the inside the tears are flowing. I'm so grateful that I am currently still working from home just in case the tears decide to flow outwardly. I can't explain these feelings. It started this past weekend when I truly recognized it. It is entirely possible it started prior to that, but Saturday is when I was accutely aware of feeling this way. Of course I kept that hidden. There is no reason to express that outwardly. There isn't anything anyone can personally do to help that feeling go away so it's just best for everyone if I just keep that pushed down, but it doesn't mean that those feelings just disappear because they are hidden deep inside. I want to cry and on the insde I am as I mentioned. I just hope that I am able to remain focused so that I can get work done and the things I have going on at home done so that I don't fall behind on either responsiblity. Another strange thing about how I feel today is something I have a hard time admitting, but it feels like a bit of anger. I don't really like that word as it isn't a feeling I have very often and I really do not like that word or that feeling. I'm not even sure if that is even a fair description of how I feel, but that seems to be what it does feel like. I won't allow myself to keep that feeling or show that feeling, but that's a bit how it feels today. I don't understand it nor do I want to really. It's just laying there under the surface for some reason today. I know that will pass as I do not like that feeling at all. I'm not a fan of sadness, but unfortunately, that is a feeling that has never left since December 1, 2010 and I don't suspect it ever will. Anger on the other hand is not something I will allow to linger inside me. I don't like it and I really don't like how it feels. So today and on the inside only will I allow that to happen. When I go to bed tonight it is my hope that I can just let that little feeling go to sleep and no awake again. I don't believe these moments will ever change, but I actually thought by now I would have gotten better at handling these moments by now. Don't get me wrong, I do think i do better at it at times, but there are many times that I don't feel I am any better than I was 10 1/2 years ago. I function every day and some days I function better than others. There are other days when I don't function as well as others, but I do at least try every day. I know one day I will reunite with Chad and I know it will be a glorius day, but today, I'm sad. I want to cry and I really want to just curl up in the bed and be quiet and alone with my sadness, but that is not an option. Since that is not an option, I will continue to try and focus and do the jobs and tasks before me and continue about my day and do the best I can do and press on just as I do each day. Until the day comes when I can see you again my sweet son I will miss you and long for you with every breath I take. Love, momma bear.

Oh BOY!

Words really won't do this blog justice, but I will do the best I can to convey my true emotions about this baby boy. I really thought it would be hard for me to feel love for a baby like I had with Chad until I got to lay eyes on my baby boy's child one day. Obviously, that will never happen. Don't feel sorry for me, I've been blessed. Chad has amazing friends from school and the Marine Corps that have honored his memory by naming their babies after him and/or allowed us to be honoary grandparents to their children. We are blessed. However, one little boy has stolen my heart in a way that I did not think would be possible and here is the real kicker, I haven't even met him in person yet. That's right, I've seen tons of pictures and videos and we have face timed, but I haven't gotten to squeeze those little ear lobes or kissed those piggies yet or held that sweet boy, but I love him already. His name? Well, it's Cohen Wade Taylor. He is beautiful and perfect in every way. I will tell you just a little about him. He was born Tuesday, November 17, 2020 weighing 9 pounds 3 ounces and 21 inches long with black hair. He has his daddy's eyes and at first my precious neice didn't think he looked anything like him, but I can tell you by January I could see a lot of his momma in him. On February 22nd he had to have a little surgery to get rid of a cyst on his kidney. It went well and besides wanting to be held for a few weeks after he did great. He is going to be a tough little man. However, we all think he is growing a tad too fast for our taste. That little stinker started holding his own bottle on March 4th (WHAT!), slow down there mister. He is trying really hard to laugh out loud and his GiGi took him outside this past weekend and she crumbled up a leaf and the thought that was great. He is getting great at tummy time and loves his naps (wish I could say he got that little trait from his uncle Chad, but sadly that isn't the case). His momma and daddy have done a great job with sleep training and schedules and my hat is off to GiGi for sticking to the schedule, because I'm not so sure this Ammy would be so great. I might do a bit more spoiling and cheating with my time (LOL, sorry Jordy). That's why he has an Ammy and he isn't afraid to use her (yep, he told me so) Hehehehehe. Okay, back to Cohen, he got a new bathtub seat and I have to say, it's pretty cool and he gets to sit up so tall and sees all his cool toys and he seems to love it. He really likes bath time. He doesn't really like being dressed so much. I guess you could say he likes being dressed as much as I like wearing shoes and if you know me for like a skinny minute you know I hate wearing shoes. LOL He looks at his momma like he just adores her (I think he just might) and he loves to fall asleep on GiGi's chest (this might be where Ammy will fall short, sorry little buddy). I'm pretty sure he will love working in the kitchen with his daddy when he gets a little bigger. He will definitely be his PawPaw's little buddy as soon as he can hold a hammer or at least walk out into the field with him. Needless to say, I'm pretty in love with this little nugget and cannot wait until the moment I get to actually put my hands on him. I just hope he doesn't grow so much that I can still hold him when I do get to meet him in person. I've been so fortunate that my sister has been so great to face time me when she is there and sends me lots of pictures and Jorden does too. I just love it. It makes me feel like I'm right there and I don't feel like I've missed a thing. It's just wonderful. I hate the miles between us, but I love the fact that a silly little phone allows us to feel like we are in the same room. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, he has a squeal like none you've ever heard before and I just love it. It's just perfect like he is. Did I mention that I'm completely in love with this little nugget? Well, just in case I haven't, I just love this little nugget. BTW, I have great pictures, but this new Blogger won't let me load them. I am not happy about that. If anyone knows how to do this please help me out.

Oh my concussion

Well, me being a cluts is nothing new, me getting a severe concussion and a fractured tailbone, well that my friends is a first for me. Not to mention, in the midst of all this we managed to sell our house by owner in less than 4 days. Yep, only those kinds of things happen to us and especially to me. I am one month yesterday from this freak fall and I'm still struggling with the symptoms and I can tell you that it is taking a real toll on me. I've reached back out to the neurologist's office and haven't heard back from them yet, but I don't think there will be much they will tell me other than it will take time. At my first visit after my fall they said it will take time for me to recover from this severe of a concussion (up to 2 to 3 months, ugh) and the soreness it terrible. I guess it's true what "they" say, as you age, you do not recover as quickly as you used to when you were younger. Dang "them". LOL... This sure does make me long to see my baby boy more and more every day as I struggle to recover from this stupid fall.

Oops, We're doing it again....

Well, I truly thought this house we are in here in Scissortail subdivision would be our last house, but here we are under contract again with plans to build our very first house. This time we get to build from the ground up, which neither of us have never done. Over the last year we have been talking with Tia and Drew about the future and their plans along with our future plans and over time it just evolved into what would now be our retirement plans of retiring close to them out at the lake at Hickory Creek where Tia's lake house is and build across the street from her and Drew and when they start having babies I would retire and keep the babies. I couldn't be more thrilled and to top it off, we did great with the sale of our homes. I wanted to attempt to sell by owner before listing with an agent since we weren't in any hurry at the time and we didn't have the land secured yet so I just posted pictures I took with my cell phone and posted it to Zillow. Withing the first 24 hours we had a ton of views and saves and within 15 minutes the calls started. Before 4 days were up we had an over asking offer and accepted. The kids listed theirs as coming soon for sale by owner and 2 hours later had multiple over asking offers and by that evening had an accepted offer. It just feels like all of this was meant to be. What our immediate future holds is packing up our homes and the kids will live in their RV until their renters move out of the lake house the end of July and they move in the first of August and we will move into a furnished apartment until our home is built, most likely around August/September time frame. I can't wait. We hope to also include a swimming pool, that may or may not happen, but I'm hoping it does. With what we will stand to make on this house and what we got the land for we should walk away and walk into the new house with virtually no mortgage or at least have it paid off in under one year. That is what I call a good retirement plan. This will also allow Tebo the opportunity when he just gets completely fed up with work, he can have options to walk away and retire as well or at least find a less stressful job and relax more. I'm ready for this next stage in our lives and look forward to this new chapter. Someone mentioned there was no way they would build a house with their spouse. To me, that is very sad. We work really well together and I have no hesitation to building a house together. We have very similar tastes and we agree on nearly everything and the things we may not completely agree on, we are good to compromise on. I'm not concerned and neither is he. This will be a fun adventure for sure. More to come on this next chapter of the Boyett/Fosters aka the BOFO's.

"Barndo Living"

Well, I really didn't think I would be the one to be on board with this "change" in our life, but I am ready and I know it will set us up for what could come in the future. Tia and Drew have a lake house that Tia built before they married and they've been renting it out since getting married. They have been living in the home Drew owned before they married and they will sell that one and once we get pricing on the lots Tebo and I will purchases lots behind their exisiting lake house. They will build a large garage/barn on the lot behind the house and have an RV. They will move into the lake house and once they are ready they will beging to add on almost as much square feet as what is there now and live in the RV while the remodel is getting done. We will be a couple of lots behind them if this all works out and we will then begin the process of working to live off Tebo's salary alone once we are in and see if it will then be possible for me to retire and when the time is right, babysit our grandbabies as they come into this world. I'm excited to know that this will put us in such a better financial position so that as we creep up on retirement age we won't have to worry about a mortgage or what to do next. We will have the kids close if we need help and they will have us close if they need the help. Right now it feels like a pipe dream, but I do believe it is doable and I'm just ready to get this ball rolling. We have a builder coming out Wednesday, Feb. 3rd to discuss plans/budget/options. We then will hopefully meet with a friend to discuss clearing the land and prepping for building. In the meantime I will attempt to sale our current home by owner and with lots of prayers and fingers crossed it will sell for what we would like to get and quickly so when we find out if the lots will work out we can move forward. It will be a bit odd as we will likely live in an apartment while building should the house sale as quickly as we anticipate, but it will just be another adventure we will experience together while planning for our long term, hopefully retiring, future. I will attempt to blog about this experience every chance I get. Right now, we are in what I would call "Pre-Phase" 1. We wait to hear what the seller wants for the lots while selling our current home and then we wait. Once we have our builder nailed down and agree on plans and budget, the fun will begin. It is our hope and prayer that we can build this with cash and have no mortgage.

Poor Tia

Well, our family has been thrown another blow. Our Tia was 17 weeks pregnant and had literally just gotten her blood work to say that the pregnancy was going well and little baby Norah Elaine was healthy and all things looked great when suddenly this past Saturday, January 9, 2021 she went into labor and delivered little Norah who had passed a few days prior. We were heartbroken and heartbroken for Tia and Drew. We had already experienced this twice with Candi and now Tia with her first child had to experience this sad loss. However, we could not be more proud of her and Drew's strength they have shown and how they have leaned on their faith, family, and close friends to help them get through this difficult time. They have faced this loss with grace and maturity like I've never seen before. We could not have asked for better kids and for them to handle this any better than what we have seen with these two amazing kids of ours. We are truly blessed and sad at the same time. We know that Tia and Drew are both very strong and healthy young people and they will have a baby when the Lord is ready for them to have one. Continued prayers for their strength and healing during this time and for them to have renewed happiness when they become pregnant the next time.

Grief and COVID

This will sound odd to most, but those who have lost a child will get it (I hope). I've never been a super social person, but since Chad passed away, I became even less social. I cherished/cherish my time at home and in somewhat of solitude. Once COVID hit the first of March 2020, we had daddy here full time and working full time so there wasn't a lot of quiet time to think or process. If I wasn't working I was taking care of daddy and then it would be meal time, bed time and start over the next day. Since daddy passed in June it has been a bit different. I've had a chance to do my full time job and in down time or after logging off I can have some mental and emotional down time. That has been a blessing. I explained to my sister, Paige, that honestly it has been a blessing to have COVID lockdowns simply because I am not having to put on this facade in front of everyone at work like everything is okay. Everything will never be okay as long as I am on this earth without my son. However, COVID has been a blessing for me so that I can just do my job and not have to fake my feelings or put on a front for everyone so they aren't uncomforable. I don't like over-using the word grief, but I think in some way I will forever grieve the loss of my son. It does, however, make it easier to face my own feelings and do my job without feeling so exhausted when I get home from work. I do hope and pray that I am able to continue to work from home until such time that I can retire. I never want to have to go into that social enviornment again unless it is just for seeing some friends and we can do that righ here at home or on the patio so much better. So for me, even though Tebo and I both got COVID, I enjoy being home and not having to face people all day long and put on this happy face and make sure those around me don't feel uncomfortable or uneasy or obligated. So thank you in a way COVID for at least my time being home. I do hate that so many have lost their lives and suffered mentally, emotionally, financially and all other ways folks have struggled, but for me it has been a hidden blessing. Not only did I get great time with daddy before having to tell him good-bye for the last time, but it is helping my heart and mind heal.