Friday, January 15, 2021

Grief and COVID

This will sound odd to most, but those who have lost a child will get it (I hope). I've never been a super social person, but since Chad passed away, I became even less social. I cherished/cherish my time at home and in somewhat of solitude. Once COVID hit the first of March 2020, we had daddy here full time and working full time so there wasn't a lot of quiet time to think or process. If I wasn't working I was taking care of daddy and then it would be meal time, bed time and start over the next day. Since daddy passed in June it has been a bit different. I've had a chance to do my full time job and in down time or after logging off I can have some mental and emotional down time. That has been a blessing. I explained to my sister, Paige, that honestly it has been a blessing to have COVID lockdowns simply because I am not having to put on this facade in front of everyone at work like everything is okay. Everything will never be okay as long as I am on this earth without my son. However, COVID has been a blessing for me so that I can just do my job and not have to fake my feelings or put on a front for everyone so they aren't uncomforable. I don't like over-using the word grief, but I think in some way I will forever grieve the loss of my son. It does, however, make it easier to face my own feelings and do my job without feeling so exhausted when I get home from work. I do hope and pray that I am able to continue to work from home until such time that I can retire. I never want to have to go into that social enviornment again unless it is just for seeing some friends and we can do that righ here at home or on the patio so much better. So for me, even though Tebo and I both got COVID, I enjoy being home and not having to face people all day long and put on this happy face and make sure those around me don't feel uncomfortable or uneasy or obligated. So thank you in a way COVID for at least my time being home. I do hate that so many have lost their lives and suffered mentally, emotionally, financially and all other ways folks have struggled, but for me it has been a hidden blessing. Not only did I get great time with daddy before having to tell him good-bye for the last time, but it is helping my heart and mind heal.

No comments:

Post a Comment