Homesick

If home is where the heart is, then I'm homesick for you!  You here that comment all the time "Home is Where the Heart is".  Well, my heart is in heaven with you and I am extremely homesick for you.


I'm not sure if it is because May is fast approaching or if this is just the way my heart will always feel (I'm assuming since it's been well over 9 years this will just be the way my heart will always feel), but I am still amazed that each day my eyes open, I take a breath, my heart beats, and I have to get out of bed and make the best of each day.  Any time now I expect my heart to break entirely that mornings don't happen anymore, but so far that has not been the case.


I do believe you can die from a broken heart, but it would appear, to me anyway, that it is a long and painful death.  There are days that feels so unfair, but I also know it's not my place to question God on why or why not.  Therefore I try daily, hourly, minute, second not to do just that, but it's hard not to be tempted to do just that.


Chad, you were truly the only good thing I've ever done in my life and nothing I ever do moving forward will ever top you!  I struggle with what my reason for being left behind really is and I may never know.  I know for now it is to care for your BoBo for as long as the Lord wants him on this earth.  I also know that Tebo needs to right now too with all he is dealing with at work and just with life in general.  I know my sisters (well most of them) need me, but I also know they have loving husbands and other friends and family who would step right in and pick up where I leave off when the Lord is ready to reunite us.  Until that day I suppose I will continue to open my eyes, take a breath, feel my heart beat, and get out of bed and attempt to do the best I can to make it through the day.  I don't have to like it, but I have to do it as there is no other option for me.


Son, just know, I will NEVER be the person I was before you left this earth and I will never find true joy in my heart again like I will have when I finally see you again and wrap my arms around you and kiss your sweet forehead.  I miss that.  I miss your hugs that only you could give me just at the right time.  Nothing seems sweeter than the hug from a son to his mother and I miss those. 


I will go to my grave not only loving and missing you, but grieving for you as well.