Wednesday, September 7, 2016

In Case You Didn't Know

Dear son, 

In case you didn't know during your time on this earth I want you to know you were the best thing I've ever done!  You filled my heart so full of love. I don't just mean I loved you with all my heart, I mean you truly filled my heart with a love I never dreamed possible. 
You loved me unconditionally as I did you. I know you can't truly read this, but it does my heart good to sometimes write to you as though you could. When you were small (I'm talking like 2/3 years old) there was a song that played on the radio called "Groovy Kind of Love". We used to sing that song in the car to the top of our lungs singing to each other like we were the only people in the world. Then you would sing Allen Jackson's song "Wanted" with so much conviction like you were old enough to know what the song was all about. I love that about you. 
In case you didn't know, I was one proud Momma Bear!  I was proud of you from day one (yes, even when you didn't sleep at nights). 
You were such a blessing and I pray I showed you how much I love you and proud I have always been of you while you were on this earth. If I didn't I am so very sorry, son. I would have walked in your shoes in Afghanistan on Decenber 1, 2010 in a heartbeat. There is a part of me that feels like I did just that, but if I could have spared your life and let you live your future I would have done that without hesitation. That's a small glimpse of how much I love you. 
Since I can't tell you verbally now and you can't show me how amazing you were going to be past the age of 22 I will tell you now as I imagine it would be. 
I'm so proud of the husband you are and how dedicated and loyal you are. I'm so proud of the police officer you have become and that you continue to sacrifice for others. I'm so proud of the father you are. Of course I'm teasing you saying had I know grandchildren were this wonderful I would have had them first. We would laugh about that and I will continue to tease you that way because I'm the mom and I can do that. I am so proud of the home you have created for your family and I'm so proud that you still make time not only for us but for your grandparents. 
See son, even now I am bursting with pride for the person you are and especially that I get the honor of calling you my son. 
I pray you always knew how much you were loved and how painfully missed you are now. 
Love, momma bear. 

If someone is reading this and you have children, make sure they know how you feel about them and tell them often that you love them.  It's ok to drive them crazy telling them how much you love them and how proud you are, it's your job as a parent to drive them crazy anyway so why not do it with those words. You are never guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), but while we never plan or expect to bury our children, sadly it happens. I never dreamed I would out live mine. Love them with no regrets. I truly feel like I did that I just pray I did a good enough job of showing and telling him while he was still with us on this earth. 

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