All of us have aches and pains that we can take a pill for or numb in some way or even escape for a moment even if it's with a glass of wine or a massage, whatever it might be. Then you have that ache and pain that no amount of drugs, alcohol, massages, relaxation exercise, nothing can actually take it away or even soften it.
I pray constantly. I know, if you know me you may be thinking, really? Well, I do pray, a lot and all the time. I may not walk through the doors of a church when the doors are open, but I have a relationship with the Lord and I have faith. It's real easy to figure out, if I didn't have faith that the Lord would reunite Chad and I again one day, I wouldn't be here to blog about how I feel or anything for that matter. So make no mistake, I'm not (nor will I) contemplate doing anything to myself, but that doesn't mean there aren't days that I don't pray that the Lord would just come and take me to heaven any day. If we could go visit heaven I would do that daily, but since that isn't an option, nor would it makes sense since none of us would ever leave if we could go visit, then I must push through and continue on this awful journey I now have to call life!
I'm not the only person that is having to live without her child. There are other hurting parents out there that know the aches and pains of having to bury their child. I just know that for me, some days are truly an effort to put my feet on the floor and fake my way through the day just to come home and know that nothing has changed. Then it starts all over again.
Don't feel sorry for me... I have an amazing husband, family, and bonus kids, and friends that are always making sure not only that I am ok, but that I feel needed. That means the world to me, but it doesn't bring my son back. It doesn't take this ache and pain away that I swear continues to grow deeper and deeper as the days, weeks, and years pass without him.
I try each day to do better than I did the day before. Some days I do okay, other days, not so much. All I know to do is be sure I get up each day and put my feet on the floor. After that, most days are a blurr. I wish I could express it with more eloquent words, but for me, there is nothing eloquent about missing my only child and knowing I will never see him on this earth again.
My heart breaks for every parent that has to know this kind of ache and pain as there is no pill or hot bath or anything that will make it better. It won't take it away. Yeah, it could mask it for a moment or make you feel nice for a fleeting time, but when that feeling wears off (and it will) the ache and pain will be there and you will be forced to face it, again.
I don't have words of wisdom today. My heart is sad and it hurts. It hurts a lot so words of wisdom or encouragement just don't seem to find their way into this blog today. I apologize for that, but I can't change it.
I will have my time of sadness and hurt and then I will put my feet back on the floor again and carry on until that faithful day when my Lord Jesus decides I have been without my baby boy long enough and he reunites us.
Chad, always my heart, always my hero, now my Angel...