Oh this headache and heartache :(

We are creeping up on 4 years since Chad left this earthly world and I would like to say (I think) that it is getting easier.  However, I would be telling a lie if I said that.  If I'm breathing I am missing him.  This time of year is a bit harder to breath as my niece that I loved so much and spent so much time with passed away October 10, 1996.  It was a terribly sad and devastating time for our family and non more than my sister, her mother.  I knew how she hurt, but you never have the full impact until you find yourself in the unfortunate position to know first hand the loss of a child. 

A friend of mine once said "You never know how strong you are until that is all you have".  I'm still waiting to feel strong.  I feel very weak most days and yes, I can fake it with the best of them during work and in settings when it wouldn't be appropriate to show that kind of emotion, but it doesn't mean on the inside things aren't churning like crazy, because they are.

As these anniversary dates approach it drives home even more that we as a family are facing the aging of our parents.  Talk about a whole other journey.  There are so many thoughts that run through the mind and an unsettled feeling in your spirit because you know there are so many things that haven't been solved for yet.  It makes it difficult to think of having any kind of peace when that dreadful day comes. 

I know I am blessed with 3 sets of parents.  I have my biological parents and my bonus parents (to also include my mother-in-law) and then it feels like a curse at times too when you think about having to watch their health decline and families start worrying and trying to do what is best for our parents and make sure their final wishes are carried out.  It truly is as hard as people say it is.  Roles do reverse and you find yourself planning the role of parent to your own parents and that in and of itself is a very tight rope you have to walk, because you never want to embarrass them or make them feel worse than they do or heaven forbid, you make them feel like a burden and not needed any longer.  So far, we as a family, have been very lucky that we haven't made our parents (any of them) feel this way (at least I pray we haven't).  But talk about a very sensitive road to travel at this point and moving forward.

No one likes to think of their parents getting older and needing assistance and our parents certainly don't like the idea of being dependent on their children, but that is the way the circle of life is and it is how the Lord intended.  They were to bring us up so that we would become productive and self-sufficient adults and prepared to care for them when that time comes.

That times feels as though it has certainly come for us.  We have ailing parents and they are aging and while they do amazing for the most part any time they have a set back, which we have had recently, it really drives home the points that we need to make arrangements and have the hard conversations now while they can still decide for themselves.

My heart goes out to all who have to care for aging parents and even more if they are not in great health.  It's expensive, heartbreaking, time consuming, and very hard on the parents' egos when they are faced with this stage in life.

I don't have all the answers or even many of the answers, but I'm trying to educate myself and then pass along any information I have with my siblings.  I have made mistakes and will probably continue to make them as we embark on this new journey yet again.  My mind continuously spins with thoughts of Chad, my siblings, my parents (all of them), my husband, my bonus kids, my nieces and nephews, and just all my family.  I wish I could do for them all and be with them all and help them live the best and happiest life they can, but I can't.  They (would really love to meet they one day) say it takes a village to raise your children (figuratively obviously), but I think it also takes a "village" to care for your aging parents.  Daddy always says the "Golden Years" is a crock of ****.  He even said you have to be pretty rich to even get old with the cost of medication and all the medical bills you end up incurring.  I think he may be right.  However, I also reminded him that I try to keep going backwards, but everyone wants to continue reminding me of my "real" age so I apparently don't stand a chance with avoiding the "A" word.  Ugh!

If you haven't called or seen your parents in a while, do.  You just never know what tomorrow brings and if you are fortunate enough to have them close and see them regularly, have those hard talks with them before it's too late.  No one wants try and figure what they would have wanted after they are gone when a simple conversation before would have kept that from happening.  You need to have your time to grieve, not worry about how to handle the logistics of laying them to rest.

To clarify, our parents (all of them) are ok at this point, but there have been enough scares recently to make us all start thinking and realizing that putting things like this off much longer could find us scrambling to figure it out when it is too late and that isn't fair to anyone.

If you are having trouble speaking to your parents about these matters I was told the perfect sentence this week.  This is their last chance to have a say about their life.  How perfect is that.  So encourage them to have a say in their life and assure them that you will go above and beyond to make sure those wishes are carried out as they have requested. 

Love on your family every chance you can and often.  None of us are promised tomorrow.  

Our family.  All the siblings were there from the Croft side 2014

Baby Chad... Miss him only when I breathe

Chad & Jessica together here and together now...  Both missed beyond mortal words. <3



5 years ago...

On this day, 9-18-09, 5 years ago I had the privilege and honor of watching my son marry his love.  It was a hard and wonderful day at the same time.  I loved her and was so happy to see him so happy, but I had always been the only girl in his life and suddenly I find myself needing to learn how to share his time and space and that is not something that just comes naturally, especially when he had never dated anyone before for me to practice with.  :)

It was a beautiful wedding and as much as I hated that their wedding day landed on Trevor's birthday, he didn't seem to mind sharing his day with them and for that I was so grateful.  There were so many wonderful aspects of their special day and while I won't bore you with the details, I will say it felt good to see him so happy and experience love like he did.  I was very grateful (and still am today) to her for allowing me the privilege of seeing that.

Who knew only a few short weeks after celebrating their 1 year anniversary all our lives would change forever.  Every year I made a point to send her a card or a text or something to let her know I was thinking of her.  I didn't want to make her sad or anything, but I did want her to know that I cared and that I knew she was hurting and missing him.

This year I've decided it is time for me to allow her to continue moving forward and not reach out.  She is in a beautiful relationship with someone that seems to be amazing to her and for her.  I may not have actually met him at this time, but I feel like I know him and truthfully just knowing she is happy is enough for me.

It is my prayer that she doesn't feel I've just forgotten about her or don't care, because I truly do.  There isn't a moment that they shared that I don't remember or think about, but I know it's time for me to let her move on completely and remove myself from her life to a point.  I know she will always be a part of my life and I also know in a small way I will always be a part of her life through Chad and for that I am grateful.  I think we just know when it's time to let go and let be and for me, this year seems to be the time to do that.

So for me and my own heart, I'm thinking of my son's bride and hoping her day today is filled with more smiles than tears and that she is continuing to find true happiness after having lost so much so young and so quickly.  As for Trevor, thank you for sharing your birthday with something that turned out to be the biggest event of my son's life and to her, thank you for allowing me to have that chance to watch my son get married.  It could have very easily turned out differently and I would have never gotten to know what that feeling was like, so thank you.  She knows who she is...

In honor of Trevor's 19th birthday and in loving memory of Chad's wedding day I share this picture.  This was such a happy day and I never take for granted how lucky I was to have this experience and see my baby boy in love, happy, and a married man. 

9-18-09



Wonderful New life

9-13-14 a beautiful new life was brought into this world.  We welcomed our "Lil Miss" Lorin Dawn Allison into the world (via the phone of course) and couldn't be more proud of Candi and Nathan.  Candi certainly made pregnancy and labor and delivery seem awful easy.  She may have just been made to have babies. 

Tebo, now referred to as "G'Bo" (until Lil Miss decides differently) and I, now referred to as "Ammy" (just like Tami without the "T") are so excited to be leaving this weekend to spend all next week with Candi and Lil Miss. 

I know it might be hard to tell, but we are a bit excited about holding her and just loving and spoiling her as much as we possibly can.  I never knew being married to a "Grandfather" could be so amazing. 

Meet our "Lil Miss" Lorin born Saturday, 13, 2014 coming in at 7 Lbs. 1 Oz. and 19 1/2 Inches long with very fair hair and the most beautiful face.  Normally I can't really tell who a baby looks like as soon as they are born, but depending on the view, I can honestly say she looks just like her daddy and other times I see glimpses of her mommy.  She definitely looks like her daddy in most pictures for sure. 

Lorin Dawn aka "Lil Miss"



From the mouth's of babes...

I received the sweetest email today that reminded me that Chad is remembered even with the smallest little hearts.  I would like to quote part of the email that really matters.  Thank you Lindsey for sharing with me a very special moment and for allowing me to use it in this blog.

"I have a couple of things to share with you and I really hope they make you smile and not upset you but I think there to neat to not share with you.

When we bought our house (end of May) and we're moving in Suri asked for her pic. I asked what picture and she said the one of uncle chad, where is it because we have to hang it in my room because he's my angel. This is something she says often but it really got me teary eyed because I love that she still thinks and talks about him constantly.

She has said her normal things, how did it happen and why, he's my angel, I get to go see him on his birthday w daddy every year and bring him balloons and I miss uncle chad.

We'll tonight as we'll laying in bed we say our night prayers. I tell her Suri I'm really glad to hear how thankful you are about everything but you know you can ask God for things. He wants us to ask for healing (she's having bad allergies) and for comfort for other people. That's what he needs us to do. So she asked me what a bomb was. I explained as much as I could and asked what she was thinking about for that to come up (I already knew) and she said uncle chad. See mom I miss him. Mom can God send uncle Chad back here because I really want to see him, I haven't seen him since I was little. I laid there for a minute and tried to compose myself and this was my response.

Suri uncle chad is with us everyday, he sees everything we do and he knows how much we love and miss him but he's got to be a warrior angel for God right now. One day we'll see him again and it will be amazing. She says so he's still my angel right? I answered her with, of course and you can always ask God to tell him hello and thanks for sending a warrior to watch over us. She said yeah mom I know that's why we're safe and ok right? At this point I'm in awe and shock because of how grown up and understanding of everything she is. But here's the best part of it all to me- she ask me Mom did God heal uncle chad, is he ok now and flying around?

I guess this really got to me because here on earth we're broken and I can't even imagine how empty and broken as his mother you are. I look at Suri in amazement of how smart and pure hearted she is. We don't realize that Chad is healed and living a life that we can't even begin to imagine how perfect it is and how amazing and beautiful he is right now. Sometimes I think Suri is way smarter then me. She reminds me that God- even at our darkest hours loves us and knows our pain.

I love listening to her talk about Chad and ask questions about him because it makes me remember more and more about the time we got to spend with him, this in turn makes me smile.

My heart aches for you constantly and as the holidays approach know that we are praying for you and we are always thinking about you and the family. I can't imagine the pain ever getting better really but I can imagine maybe for a spilt second helping out a smile on your face and joy in your heart knowing that even the short time Suri spent w chad, he's still with her everyday."

What a precious conversation and how amazing that she understands at her tender little age things that I even struggle with understanding.  I know Lindsey was worried this would upset me, but honestly, I love to hear things about Chad and love to talk about him and while a little awesomeness tends to puddle up, it's ok.  I would much rather it happen because I read or hear something as precious as this than when I'm just feeling sorry for myself or missing my baby a little more than usual.  

See, children tend to have more faith I think than adult (certainly more than me at times) and they just know how to put things into perspective that if we are all lucky enough we can hear and apply to our own lives.  

I'm touched that her daddy takes her to Chad's resting place here on earth on his birthday and keeps his memory alive with her.  Some parents (probably me included) would actually avoid doing that for fear they wouldn't understand or would make them sad, but in reality, they understand and accept things like this better than most adults.

Thank you Lindsey for sharing Suri's heart with me and giving me yet one more reason to know that Chad is loved and remembered daily.  It fills my heart with so much appreciation and love that it is truly hard to compare.  

I've included a picture of Chad holding Suri at her 1st birthday party.  One thing many people that do not know Chad may not know is that he loved kids and he was great with them.  He just knew how to relate to them and was so kind and ginger with them that I have no doubt that he would have been such a great daddy one day to his kids.  I don't always know how he learned to be so great with kids, but I'm so grateful he did and he used that special gift of his every chance he got.

Chad holding Suri at her 1st birthday party <3

  

Calling myself out

I feel like I have to call myself out for not doing what I totally expected my son to do.  From the time the song "I hope you dance" by LeAnn Womack came out, I told Chad I wanted it played at my funeral because it basically said everything I wanted for him and for all my nieces and nephews.  We just always had this understanding that he would be sure that song was played at my funeral.  I never dreamed in a million years that I would be planning and attending his funeral before my own.  As a little background information... When Chad & Katie got married I wondered what song he would pick for the mother/son dance.  I wasn't really even sure if he would actually do it and he certainly wasn't giving me any hints.  Turns out when it was out turn to dance, he chose that song, "I hope you dance", for our song.  It was freaking amazing!  I was shocked and blessed at the same time.  I will never forget that dance as long as I live.
Anyway, the purpose for me wanting that song played at my funeral was to make sure that my son carried on with his life and lived it to the fullest no matter what.  That he lived with no regrets and danced every chance he got.  I have to admit, I find it hard to do any of that without him on this earth.  I don't feel happy, but I have to fake it enough to get through each day.  I don't want to dance when I can and I don't want to feel small when I stand by the ocean.  All I want is Chad back.  I don't feel whole!  My heart aches in a way that shouldn't ache and there are times I'm not sure I can breathe.  I would still hope that had the tables been turned that he would have been able to dance and live the way I always wanted him to do, but I do feel like a hypocrite because I can't do what I expected my little man to do.
I don't know if that makes me selfish for expecting him to do that and I can't or what, but I have felt pretty guilty for that lately.  I don't know why it has taken me 3 years and 8 months to feel this way, but it did and I do.

Now I find myself playing the song "Dancing in the sky" when I go to the cemetery or when I'm just having one of those moments and what struck me today is I still expect him to do in heaven what I expected him to do on this earth had the tables been turned.

I'm not sure what that says about me.  It is very confusing, because all I really want to do is wrap my arms around my son and tell him one more time how much I love him and watch him grown into the man that I know he would be and possibly be a daddy one day, but that isn't going to happen.  Now I find myself hoping he is doing what I can't do.

Things that make you go hmmmm...

A moment this mom will never forget.  Thank you son for loving me so much that you would give me such a memory that I may not have otherwise had.  

You really ARE going to miss this...

There is a song named "You're gonna miss this".  It talks about a mom wanting to rush to the next stage of life with her marriage and children.  This couldn't be a truer song.  The truth is, you are going to miss the little stages that you go through with your children.  Whether you are having the sleepless nights of an infant (or in my case until the end of Kindergarten), or experiencing the terrible 2's, or the horrific 3's or those dreadful teenage years or the insane transition from high school to adult hood... you will miss this one day.
I will just share a few things that I wasn't sure I would get through, but yet, I did and honestly, today, I would give anything and everything I have just to have a few minutes of any of these moments back.
Chad rarely slept (as a baby/small child).  He truly only had 2 weeks left of Kindergarten before he slept through the night.  That was only after having been on Ritalin for several weeks before that even happened.  It was a lot of sleepless or very little sleep nights, but I guess I was so used to it that it didn't seem like a big deal.  That is until I realized my sisters' and friends' kids slept all night within a few days of coming home from the hospital.  However, it worked for us.
Then there was the time he would pretend the house or his room was on fire and while I would tell him that wasn't good to joke like that, it didn't seem to phase him a bit.  One evening I was getting ready to leave the house and he was listening to his country music videos and singing in the living room and ran into my room screaming the microwave was on fire (first, I knew I wasn't cooking) so finally discovering he had placed his microphone in the microwave he was telling the truth this time.  After having the fire department inspect the house to make sure there was no damage it left me with a good opportunity to teach him about the boy that cried wolf.  Luckily he didn't do that again.  However, that didn't stop him from climbing my walls (with this feet) holding on to railing in my bedroom pretending he was Pippy Long Stonking.  Then to prove mom wrong after I told him to stop before he fell, he decided to climb onto the bathroom counter top and leap off (I mean, it made sense, Pippy did it) and sprained both ankles.  Off to the ER we went and the doctor says, "You need to keep him off his feet for two weeks".  Really?  He had met Chad and knew that wasn't going to happen.  We just figured it out and so did Chad (usually just pushing through the pain and doing what he wanted to do anyway).  Let's not forget when he decided to help his dad fix his truck by taking the hammer to both headlines (ok, that part was pretty dang funny).  Then we had a moment when he decided he would hide in the dryer.  Yep, the clothes dryer.  I decided the only way to teach him a lesson was to leave the door open and hit the button and allow it to make a 1/2 a turn and with arms and legs spread out and him yelling "momma", he didn't bother to hide in the dryer again.  Instead, he thought the refrigerator would be a better idea.  Ugh!  Then we are at my parent's wedding anniversary when he decided to take his finger and scrape it across the bottom of the cake through the icing.  When I got on to him and threatened to spank him, his response, "Not in this life time".  Really?  Then when I find out he is dipping for the first time, the first time he decided to get drunk or the speeding ticket, enlisting into the Marine Corps, deployments or the first girl he brought home and wanted to marry and did.  All those things I would take again in a skinny minute.  Whatever stage you are going through with your babies, trust me, you will want these moments back one day.  It won't just be if you no longer have your baby on this earth.  I can tell you that I have missed a lot of those moments many times in life even before I lost Chad.  It just makes missing those things sting more with him no longer here.
Never take for granted that your babies will always be here.  Never wish your life or theirs away because you are tired of this stage or that.  Just soak it all in and love and enjoy every moment to it's fullest even the hard times.  You will wish for those days back one day and that much I know without fail, you will want that back.

Baby Chad "photo by Stacy Gough @ Phorever Studio"

Chad in San Diego, CA

Momma Bear & Chad on his deployment leave after Iraq.  Love him so much.

Little Chad Easter in NC @ Granny & Papaw's house

Easter morning in Rossville, TN

In KC BoBo & I taking him to board the bus for boot camp 2007

On the lake with the Wilson family

His 1st Easter (he was alone because he & BoBo slept through the big Easter Egg hunt) <3

My handsome Marine on his wedding day 9-18-09

My baby did a mean hair cut in Iraq!

My baby's resting place and where I still can't believe I have to visit just to see his name and be where his resting place is.  It doesn't seem possible and I would give anything to have any moments back....  :(

One Thousand Two Hundred Fifty Two

That's how many days it has been days it's been since my baby boy left this earth.  I could lie and tell you that it's getting a bit easier missing him, but that's exactly what it would be...  a lie! 

This year it seems like all the "special days" have been a little harder than even last year.  I can't explain that and I won't even try.

I'm very fortunate that I have family and friends that just know that on those extra hard days I just need my space and time to work through how I might be feeling.  I couldn't share how I feel or felt, because I really don't know other than sad.  It's hard to sometimes convey sad.  People think of sad and think there should be tears.  Yes, many days there are tears, sometimes buckets of tears and then there are other days when it is just a constant sadness that just lingers in my heart and can sometimes be seen on my face, even though I do my best to hide that outward appearance of sadness.

This past May 25th Chad would have been 26 years old.  I spent much of that day wondering what he would be doing at this time.  Where would he be working.  Would he be a daddy now.  All those things run through my mind 24/7, but on his birthday it just seems to be magnified. 

December 1, 2014 will be 4 years since that horrific day and this marks the 4th summer without him.  I hate it.  I can't find anything good about him not being here other than he is in the presence of the Lord and I know I will see him again one day, but that is truly the only good thing I can come up with at this moment and time in my life.

I've always told my husband he has my whole heart and he still does, but now it's the whole of my heart that I have left, because there is a huge piece of my heart that died when Chad did.  A piece of my soul was left in Afghanistan on December 1, 2010. 

I don't know how my heart could stand one more day without him and then it does.  There are nights when I lay my head on my pillow and pray, Lord, please don't let any thoughts come to my mind tonight.  I just need to rest.  Sometimes he grants me that, but most nights, that isn't the case.  Most nights I lay there and images, memories, sadness, and just wondering thoughts run wild through my mind and the last thing I can do then is close my eyes and actual rest. 

The One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Second day is no easier than the First day. 

My precious little man

Spring #4