Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Calling myself out

I feel like I have to call myself out for not doing what I totally expected my son to do.  From the time the song "I hope you dance" by LeAnn Womack came out, I told Chad I wanted it played at my funeral because it basically said everything I wanted for him and for all my nieces and nephews.  We just always had this understanding that he would be sure that song was played at my funeral.  I never dreamed in a million years that I would be planning and attending his funeral before my own.  As a little background information... When Chad & Katie got married I wondered what song he would pick for the mother/son dance.  I wasn't really even sure if he would actually do it and he certainly wasn't giving me any hints.  Turns out when it was out turn to dance, he chose that song, "I hope you dance", for our song.  It was freaking amazing!  I was shocked and blessed at the same time.  I will never forget that dance as long as I live.
Anyway, the purpose for me wanting that song played at my funeral was to make sure that my son carried on with his life and lived it to the fullest no matter what.  That he lived with no regrets and danced every chance he got.  I have to admit, I find it hard to do any of that without him on this earth.  I don't feel happy, but I have to fake it enough to get through each day.  I don't want to dance when I can and I don't want to feel small when I stand by the ocean.  All I want is Chad back.  I don't feel whole!  My heart aches in a way that shouldn't ache and there are times I'm not sure I can breathe.  I would still hope that had the tables been turned that he would have been able to dance and live the way I always wanted him to do, but I do feel like a hypocrite because I can't do what I expected my little man to do.
I don't know if that makes me selfish for expecting him to do that and I can't or what, but I have felt pretty guilty for that lately.  I don't know why it has taken me 3 years and 8 months to feel this way, but it did and I do.

Now I find myself playing the song "Dancing in the sky" when I go to the cemetery or when I'm just having one of those moments and what struck me today is I still expect him to do in heaven what I expected him to do on this earth had the tables been turned.

I'm not sure what that says about me.  It is very confusing, because all I really want to do is wrap my arms around my son and tell him one more time how much I love him and watch him grown into the man that I know he would be and possibly be a daddy one day, but that isn't going to happen.  Now I find myself hoping he is doing what I can't do.

Things that make you go hmmmm...

A moment this mom will never forget.  Thank you son for loving me so much that you would give me such a memory that I may not have otherwise had.  

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