Wonderful New life

9-13-14 a beautiful new life was brought into this world.  We welcomed our "Lil Miss" Lorin Dawn Allison into the world (via the phone of course) and couldn't be more proud of Candi and Nathan.  Candi certainly made pregnancy and labor and delivery seem awful easy.  She may have just been made to have babies. 

Tebo, now referred to as "G'Bo" (until Lil Miss decides differently) and I, now referred to as "Ammy" (just like Tami without the "T") are so excited to be leaving this weekend to spend all next week with Candi and Lil Miss. 

I know it might be hard to tell, but we are a bit excited about holding her and just loving and spoiling her as much as we possibly can.  I never knew being married to a "Grandfather" could be so amazing. 

Meet our "Lil Miss" Lorin born Saturday, 13, 2014 coming in at 7 Lbs. 1 Oz. and 19 1/2 Inches long with very fair hair and the most beautiful face.  Normally I can't really tell who a baby looks like as soon as they are born, but depending on the view, I can honestly say she looks just like her daddy and other times I see glimpses of her mommy.  She definitely looks like her daddy in most pictures for sure. 

Lorin Dawn aka "Lil Miss"



From the mouth's of babes...

I received the sweetest email today that reminded me that Chad is remembered even with the smallest little hearts.  I would like to quote part of the email that really matters.  Thank you Lindsey for sharing with me a very special moment and for allowing me to use it in this blog.

"I have a couple of things to share with you and I really hope they make you smile and not upset you but I think there to neat to not share with you.

When we bought our house (end of May) and we're moving in Suri asked for her pic. I asked what picture and she said the one of uncle chad, where is it because we have to hang it in my room because he's my angel. This is something she says often but it really got me teary eyed because I love that she still thinks and talks about him constantly.

She has said her normal things, how did it happen and why, he's my angel, I get to go see him on his birthday w daddy every year and bring him balloons and I miss uncle chad.

We'll tonight as we'll laying in bed we say our night prayers. I tell her Suri I'm really glad to hear how thankful you are about everything but you know you can ask God for things. He wants us to ask for healing (she's having bad allergies) and for comfort for other people. That's what he needs us to do. So she asked me what a bomb was. I explained as much as I could and asked what she was thinking about for that to come up (I already knew) and she said uncle chad. See mom I miss him. Mom can God send uncle Chad back here because I really want to see him, I haven't seen him since I was little. I laid there for a minute and tried to compose myself and this was my response.

Suri uncle chad is with us everyday, he sees everything we do and he knows how much we love and miss him but he's got to be a warrior angel for God right now. One day we'll see him again and it will be amazing. She says so he's still my angel right? I answered her with, of course and you can always ask God to tell him hello and thanks for sending a warrior to watch over us. She said yeah mom I know that's why we're safe and ok right? At this point I'm in awe and shock because of how grown up and understanding of everything she is. But here's the best part of it all to me- she ask me Mom did God heal uncle chad, is he ok now and flying around?

I guess this really got to me because here on earth we're broken and I can't even imagine how empty and broken as his mother you are. I look at Suri in amazement of how smart and pure hearted she is. We don't realize that Chad is healed and living a life that we can't even begin to imagine how perfect it is and how amazing and beautiful he is right now. Sometimes I think Suri is way smarter then me. She reminds me that God- even at our darkest hours loves us and knows our pain.

I love listening to her talk about Chad and ask questions about him because it makes me remember more and more about the time we got to spend with him, this in turn makes me smile.

My heart aches for you constantly and as the holidays approach know that we are praying for you and we are always thinking about you and the family. I can't imagine the pain ever getting better really but I can imagine maybe for a spilt second helping out a smile on your face and joy in your heart knowing that even the short time Suri spent w chad, he's still with her everyday."

What a precious conversation and how amazing that she understands at her tender little age things that I even struggle with understanding.  I know Lindsey was worried this would upset me, but honestly, I love to hear things about Chad and love to talk about him and while a little awesomeness tends to puddle up, it's ok.  I would much rather it happen because I read or hear something as precious as this than when I'm just feeling sorry for myself or missing my baby a little more than usual.  

See, children tend to have more faith I think than adult (certainly more than me at times) and they just know how to put things into perspective that if we are all lucky enough we can hear and apply to our own lives.  

I'm touched that her daddy takes her to Chad's resting place here on earth on his birthday and keeps his memory alive with her.  Some parents (probably me included) would actually avoid doing that for fear they wouldn't understand or would make them sad, but in reality, they understand and accept things like this better than most adults.

Thank you Lindsey for sharing Suri's heart with me and giving me yet one more reason to know that Chad is loved and remembered daily.  It fills my heart with so much appreciation and love that it is truly hard to compare.  

I've included a picture of Chad holding Suri at her 1st birthday party.  One thing many people that do not know Chad may not know is that he loved kids and he was great with them.  He just knew how to relate to them and was so kind and ginger with them that I have no doubt that he would have been such a great daddy one day to his kids.  I don't always know how he learned to be so great with kids, but I'm so grateful he did and he used that special gift of his every chance he got.

Chad holding Suri at her 1st birthday party <3

  

Calling myself out

I feel like I have to call myself out for not doing what I totally expected my son to do.  From the time the song "I hope you dance" by LeAnn Womack came out, I told Chad I wanted it played at my funeral because it basically said everything I wanted for him and for all my nieces and nephews.  We just always had this understanding that he would be sure that song was played at my funeral.  I never dreamed in a million years that I would be planning and attending his funeral before my own.  As a little background information... When Chad & Katie got married I wondered what song he would pick for the mother/son dance.  I wasn't really even sure if he would actually do it and he certainly wasn't giving me any hints.  Turns out when it was out turn to dance, he chose that song, "I hope you dance", for our song.  It was freaking amazing!  I was shocked and blessed at the same time.  I will never forget that dance as long as I live.
Anyway, the purpose for me wanting that song played at my funeral was to make sure that my son carried on with his life and lived it to the fullest no matter what.  That he lived with no regrets and danced every chance he got.  I have to admit, I find it hard to do any of that without him on this earth.  I don't feel happy, but I have to fake it enough to get through each day.  I don't want to dance when I can and I don't want to feel small when I stand by the ocean.  All I want is Chad back.  I don't feel whole!  My heart aches in a way that shouldn't ache and there are times I'm not sure I can breathe.  I would still hope that had the tables been turned that he would have been able to dance and live the way I always wanted him to do, but I do feel like a hypocrite because I can't do what I expected my little man to do.
I don't know if that makes me selfish for expecting him to do that and I can't or what, but I have felt pretty guilty for that lately.  I don't know why it has taken me 3 years and 8 months to feel this way, but it did and I do.

Now I find myself playing the song "Dancing in the sky" when I go to the cemetery or when I'm just having one of those moments and what struck me today is I still expect him to do in heaven what I expected him to do on this earth had the tables been turned.

I'm not sure what that says about me.  It is very confusing, because all I really want to do is wrap my arms around my son and tell him one more time how much I love him and watch him grown into the man that I know he would be and possibly be a daddy one day, but that isn't going to happen.  Now I find myself hoping he is doing what I can't do.

Things that make you go hmmmm...

A moment this mom will never forget.  Thank you son for loving me so much that you would give me such a memory that I may not have otherwise had.  

You really ARE going to miss this...

There is a song named "You're gonna miss this".  It talks about a mom wanting to rush to the next stage of life with her marriage and children.  This couldn't be a truer song.  The truth is, you are going to miss the little stages that you go through with your children.  Whether you are having the sleepless nights of an infant (or in my case until the end of Kindergarten), or experiencing the terrible 2's, or the horrific 3's or those dreadful teenage years or the insane transition from high school to adult hood... you will miss this one day.
I will just share a few things that I wasn't sure I would get through, but yet, I did and honestly, today, I would give anything and everything I have just to have a few minutes of any of these moments back.
Chad rarely slept (as a baby/small child).  He truly only had 2 weeks left of Kindergarten before he slept through the night.  That was only after having been on Ritalin for several weeks before that even happened.  It was a lot of sleepless or very little sleep nights, but I guess I was so used to it that it didn't seem like a big deal.  That is until I realized my sisters' and friends' kids slept all night within a few days of coming home from the hospital.  However, it worked for us.
Then there was the time he would pretend the house or his room was on fire and while I would tell him that wasn't good to joke like that, it didn't seem to phase him a bit.  One evening I was getting ready to leave the house and he was listening to his country music videos and singing in the living room and ran into my room screaming the microwave was on fire (first, I knew I wasn't cooking) so finally discovering he had placed his microphone in the microwave he was telling the truth this time.  After having the fire department inspect the house to make sure there was no damage it left me with a good opportunity to teach him about the boy that cried wolf.  Luckily he didn't do that again.  However, that didn't stop him from climbing my walls (with this feet) holding on to railing in my bedroom pretending he was Pippy Long Stonking.  Then to prove mom wrong after I told him to stop before he fell, he decided to climb onto the bathroom counter top and leap off (I mean, it made sense, Pippy did it) and sprained both ankles.  Off to the ER we went and the doctor says, "You need to keep him off his feet for two weeks".  Really?  He had met Chad and knew that wasn't going to happen.  We just figured it out and so did Chad (usually just pushing through the pain and doing what he wanted to do anyway).  Let's not forget when he decided to help his dad fix his truck by taking the hammer to both headlines (ok, that part was pretty dang funny).  Then we had a moment when he decided he would hide in the dryer.  Yep, the clothes dryer.  I decided the only way to teach him a lesson was to leave the door open and hit the button and allow it to make a 1/2 a turn and with arms and legs spread out and him yelling "momma", he didn't bother to hide in the dryer again.  Instead, he thought the refrigerator would be a better idea.  Ugh!  Then we are at my parent's wedding anniversary when he decided to take his finger and scrape it across the bottom of the cake through the icing.  When I got on to him and threatened to spank him, his response, "Not in this life time".  Really?  Then when I find out he is dipping for the first time, the first time he decided to get drunk or the speeding ticket, enlisting into the Marine Corps, deployments or the first girl he brought home and wanted to marry and did.  All those things I would take again in a skinny minute.  Whatever stage you are going through with your babies, trust me, you will want these moments back one day.  It won't just be if you no longer have your baby on this earth.  I can tell you that I have missed a lot of those moments many times in life even before I lost Chad.  It just makes missing those things sting more with him no longer here.
Never take for granted that your babies will always be here.  Never wish your life or theirs away because you are tired of this stage or that.  Just soak it all in and love and enjoy every moment to it's fullest even the hard times.  You will wish for those days back one day and that much I know without fail, you will want that back.

Baby Chad "photo by Stacy Gough @ Phorever Studio"

Chad in San Diego, CA

Momma Bear & Chad on his deployment leave after Iraq.  Love him so much.

Little Chad Easter in NC @ Granny & Papaw's house

Easter morning in Rossville, TN

In KC BoBo & I taking him to board the bus for boot camp 2007

On the lake with the Wilson family

His 1st Easter (he was alone because he & BoBo slept through the big Easter Egg hunt) <3

My handsome Marine on his wedding day 9-18-09

My baby did a mean hair cut in Iraq!

My baby's resting place and where I still can't believe I have to visit just to see his name and be where his resting place is.  It doesn't seem possible and I would give anything to have any moments back....  :(

One Thousand Two Hundred Fifty Two

That's how many days it has been days it's been since my baby boy left this earth.  I could lie and tell you that it's getting a bit easier missing him, but that's exactly what it would be...  a lie! 

This year it seems like all the "special days" have been a little harder than even last year.  I can't explain that and I won't even try.

I'm very fortunate that I have family and friends that just know that on those extra hard days I just need my space and time to work through how I might be feeling.  I couldn't share how I feel or felt, because I really don't know other than sad.  It's hard to sometimes convey sad.  People think of sad and think there should be tears.  Yes, many days there are tears, sometimes buckets of tears and then there are other days when it is just a constant sadness that just lingers in my heart and can sometimes be seen on my face, even though I do my best to hide that outward appearance of sadness.

This past May 25th Chad would have been 26 years old.  I spent much of that day wondering what he would be doing at this time.  Where would he be working.  Would he be a daddy now.  All those things run through my mind 24/7, but on his birthday it just seems to be magnified. 

December 1, 2014 will be 4 years since that horrific day and this marks the 4th summer without him.  I hate it.  I can't find anything good about him not being here other than he is in the presence of the Lord and I know I will see him again one day, but that is truly the only good thing I can come up with at this moment and time in my life.

I've always told my husband he has my whole heart and he still does, but now it's the whole of my heart that I have left, because there is a huge piece of my heart that died when Chad did.  A piece of my soul was left in Afghanistan on December 1, 2010. 

I don't know how my heart could stand one more day without him and then it does.  There are nights when I lay my head on my pillow and pray, Lord, please don't let any thoughts come to my mind tonight.  I just need to rest.  Sometimes he grants me that, but most nights, that isn't the case.  Most nights I lay there and images, memories, sadness, and just wondering thoughts run wild through my mind and the last thing I can do then is close my eyes and actual rest. 

The One Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty Second day is no easier than the First day. 

My precious little man

Spring #4



What's different this Mother's Day?

I don't know why this year has been so difficult.  I don't know what I was expecting.  It's not like I thought it would be easier this year.  I guess I just didn't expect to be this emotional this year for some reason.  This is the 4th Mother's Day without my little man on this earth and my heart feels more broken this year as the previous 3.

I can understand being worse than the 1st year.  That 1st year I was in a fog and maybe I'm still in that fog to a point, but maybe not enough for it to mask some of the pain.  Who knows.

There is no handbook that explains how you handle each year and each holiday or special occasion.  There just aren't any rules.  I wish there were, trust me, but that isn't the case.

There is one thing for certain, there will be moments when you think "I've got this" and then there will be those moments that remind you, "not so much".

I feel incomplete and that's because I am incomplete.  My heart starting beating to a different beat on 5-25-88 when that precious little boy was born.  All the sleepless nights when he just wanted to be up and he would play while I cleaned something (anything) and we would have those moments and then I would suddenly find him asleep wherever he happened to fall asleep and I would catch a little nap on the couch until he woke up again (usually about an hour or so later) and we would do it all over again.  I would give anything to have that back.  If you are a mom and there is no doubt you are short on sleep, remember, one day you will want this back.

The days I would drop him off at school and the teachers would make me leave and I had almost 8 hours before I could pick him up again seemed like forever.  I would take those forevers back again just to know I would see his cute smiling face when I picked him up and get to hear all about his day.  I would fight the little battles over eating and taking a bath and bedtime.  I would take the "socks" again anytime just to have him here.

I truly thought I would get to see what he was like as a daddy and I always knew he would be such a great daddy.  He was so good with kids.  I think what I looked forward to the most was when his child would say they didn't like the seam in their socks or play basketball in the shower (which by the way sounded like he was remodeling the bathroom) or to hear him remind him/her to use soap and shampoo.  Oh, and let's not forget that his baby would have to sleep walk.  It wouldn't be fair it he/she didn't.  I mean, really?  How many parents get a call from their neighbor/friends to say, did you know Chad was over here in the wee hours of the morning.  He should have the honor of experiencing that at least once, right?

I miss him.  That is the most understated comment I have ever said in my entire life.  I miss him in a way that my body aches and it feels like my heart will just stop.  I wonder at times how it could be possible to continue breathing when my heart feels like it does, but for whatever reason, I do.

I pray no other mother or father has to let their child go.  I know that isn't the way the world will be, but if I could pray/ask for one thing, it would be that no parent ever have to feel the pain of the loss of a child.  This pain cannot be explained and trust me, it does NOT heal.  It is there forever and as far as I'm concerned, it should be.  I don't ever want it to get easier to miss my baby boy.  He is my heart and that is the reason my heart beats differently today than it did before 12-1-10.

I miss you son and there is nothing that could ever make that better.  Love, momma bear

Mother?

This will be the 4th Mother's Day without my Chadman.  Most won't understand this and that's ok, but yes, Chad still feels and is my son, however, I do not feel like a real mother anymore.  I know, I will always be his mother.  That's true, but it does not change the fact that I don't feel like a mother.

One year for Mother's Day we (ok, well, I) decided I just couldn't "celebrate" Mother's Day so Tebo decided we would have "Tebo's Wife Day".  That was better, but I knew what was happening and after the weekend was over I was left with the feeling that I just didn't feel like a mom anymore.

I've just decided that I can't do Mother's Day for me.  It feels selfish, but I don't even really want to be in church or anything on Mother's Day.  I can't explain it so I won't even try.  I don't want nor do I need sympathy, I guess I just need understanding (the best you can) that I need that day to spend it the best way I can to get through it.

My heart breaks daily, but especially around holidays as most holidays are basically based around our kids.  It's painful.  It's painful in a way that cannot be explained unless you have walked in these exact shoes.

Yes, I am a bonus mom to Tebo's 3 children and our son-in-law and I am more than grateful for that.  I'm also a bonus mom and a bonus Ammy for many kids and their kids and again, I'm grateful for that.  It truly fills a void that is there, but unfortunately, it doesn't fill the void Chad left behind.  That can't and shouldn't be filled.  He was my whole heart and honestly, I never thought once I had him that I would ever live my life one day without him.  I am certain every parent feels that way (it's the "natural" way of life, right?).

Please do not feel sorry for me.  That is not my attempt to get attention or sympathy, it's only an attempt to explain, the only way I know how, why I just can't celebrate Mother's Day.

I love my mothers.  I have 3 amazing mothers and I'm grateful for all 3 of them.  I would give anything to be capable of showing them all the love and respect they all 3 deserve on this special day, but right now I guess I'm still in that selfish mode of grieving that I just can't muster up what it takes to be there for them.  Yes, we sent them something for Mother's Day and we will certainly call them.  I'm not a monster.  I love them all and want them to know I love them.  I just can't bring myself to "celebrate".  Sitting in church and hearing a sermon that talks about children and their mothers just breaks my heart too much and I truly do not have the strength to make it through a service.  I want my son with me or to just have a chance for a phone call Sunday, but that isn't going to happen.  I know that and I understand and will do my best to live with that new reality, but I don't have to like it and I don't have to indulge in the day.

So what are we doing for Mother's Day you might ask.  Well, turns out I'm a bit lucky this year.  Saturday is Tia's birthday and she has plans with her friends that day so we will be celebrating her birthday on Sunday.  I will go to the cemetery that morning and then we will spend the rest of the day celebrating Tia's birthday.  I love the fact that we will be doing that on Mother's Day, because it will keep me busy with something that is happy like her birthday.  We can focus on her and not me and the pain I have in my heart.  I don't want to focus on that, I want to focus on her and her special day and that's what I plan to do.

I don't want this to be a downer, I would rather it be more of an explanation in hopes that it will help you understand when a mom loses a child that Mother's Day takes on a completely different meaning and there are a lot of emotions that come flowing through and some not so nice or easy to take.  Why go there?  I would rather just focus on Tia and leave me and my heart completely out of that day.

I hope this makes sense and if it doesn't, I apologize.  I would like to say Happy Mother's Day to all mothers that might be reading this and it's my hope and prayer that if you don't see your child on your special day that you at least get a phone call or a text message if they are capable of reaching out to you.

In many ways I feel like I might have it a bit better than those moms that might not hear from their kid(s) on Mother's Day.  What, you might ask.  Well, think about it.  If my son was here and I didn't hear from him at all on Mother's Day, I would be broken hearted in a much different way.  For me, I know I can't hear from Chad so I won't be expecting it or disappointed.  My heart breaks for those moms that have their child on this earth and don't hear from their children more than it breaks for myself.

This small portion of this blog goes out to all children that having living moms.  If your mom is on this earth please make sure she knows you love her on Mother's Day (everyday, but especially on Mother's Day).  If you can't physically be with her make sure you call her and let her hear your voice.  Hearing your voice will be more of a gift than flowers or cards or anything else you could give her.  If she can't wrap her arms around you then at least let her hear your voice.  She deserves at least that.