I don't know why this year has been so difficult. I don't know what I was expecting. It's not like I thought it would be easier this year. I guess I just didn't expect to be this emotional this year for some reason. This is the 4th Mother's Day without my little man on this earth and my heart feels more broken this year as the previous 3.
I can understand being worse than the 1st year. That 1st year I was in a fog and maybe I'm still in that fog to a point, but maybe not enough for it to mask some of the pain. Who knows.
There is no handbook that explains how you handle each year and each holiday or special occasion. There just aren't any rules. I wish there were, trust me, but that isn't the case.
There is one thing for certain, there will be moments when you think "I've got this" and then there will be those moments that remind you, "not so much".
I feel incomplete and that's because I am incomplete. My heart starting beating to a different beat on 5-25-88 when that precious little boy was born. All the sleepless nights when he just wanted to be up and he would play while I cleaned something (anything) and we would have those moments and then I would suddenly find him asleep wherever he happened to fall asleep and I would catch a little nap on the couch until he woke up again (usually about an hour or so later) and we would do it all over again. I would give anything to have that back. If you are a mom and there is no doubt you are short on sleep, remember, one day you will want this back.
The days I would drop him off at school and the teachers would make me leave and I had almost 8 hours before I could pick him up again seemed like forever. I would take those forevers back again just to know I would see his cute smiling face when I picked him up and get to hear all about his day. I would fight the little battles over eating and taking a bath and bedtime. I would take the "socks" again anytime just to have him here.
I truly thought I would get to see what he was like as a daddy and I always knew he would be such a great daddy. He was so good with kids. I think what I looked forward to the most was when his child would say they didn't like the seam in their socks or play basketball in the shower (which by the way sounded like he was remodeling the bathroom) or to hear him remind him/her to use soap and shampoo. Oh, and let's not forget that his baby would have to sleep walk. It wouldn't be fair it he/she didn't. I mean, really? How many parents get a call from their neighbor/friends to say, did you know Chad was over here in the wee hours of the morning. He should have the honor of experiencing that at least once, right?
I miss him. That is the most understated comment I have ever said in my entire life. I miss him in a way that my body aches and it feels like my heart will just stop. I wonder at times how it could be possible to continue breathing when my heart feels like it does, but for whatever reason, I do.
I pray no other mother or father has to let their child go. I know that isn't the way the world will be, but if I could pray/ask for one thing, it would be that no parent ever have to feel the pain of the loss of a child. This pain cannot be explained and trust me, it does NOT heal. It is there forever and as far as I'm concerned, it should be. I don't ever want it to get easier to miss my baby boy. He is my heart and that is the reason my heart beats differently today than it did before 12-1-10.
I miss you son and there is nothing that could ever make that better. Love, momma bear