When you feel you are completely out of control of your own life

I've never been one to share publicly that I struggle with anxiety and have for as long as I can remember. There are a couple of sisters and my best friend and of course my husband that are aware, but that's it. I do believe since the passing of Chad the anxiety has become much worse and I know I've become far more anti-social, but I've always been very much a home-body since a kid. Since October, more specifically October 4th, things have just piled up and been boiling and building up to a scary point. There were very significant things that took place on October 4, 2021. First, it was my first day back in the office in almost 2 years. We had to wear masks (still are) at our desk and all day at work. We had to enter one door, do temperature checks, and exit a different desk, no conference rooms so Zoom calls for all meetings while sitting at our desks and no gathering in the halls or at each other desks. So again, why be at the office? Oh, and only 2 people per elevator at a time. SMH To add to this lovely Oct. 4th day, that evening about 15 minutes after Tebo and I came inside after visiting with our neighbor and it had just gotten dark outside there was a knock on the patio door. I opened the door thinking it was the neighbor we were just visiting with, but I couldn't have been more wrong. It was a man we had never seen before with two other men we had just seen walking back and forth through the courtyard while we were visiting with our next door neighbor and who were obviously intoxicated and the man's wife with her dog (who repeatedly did not have her large dog on a leash in the courtyard and it charged at Tebo growling mulitiple times). The man was in my face screaming with his finger in my face screaming obsenities. Tebo immediately jumped to his feet and was in the doorway before I knew it. He had a beer in his hand (he too had a lot of liquid courage) and was swinging at Tebo with noodle arms. Tebo gained control of his arms and crushed the beer can and threw it to the ground and the man tried to get Tebo in a head lock, but Tebo gained control of his other arm and bull nosed him off the patio and the group finally retreated. Tebo had a small cut on his forehead, but enough that he was bledding. Shewwwww, what a first day to return to the office. Then during the same month, we learned from our builder that not only would our house not be ready in Nov. or Dec., but it now won't be ready in January, but he hoped (hoped) to have us wrapped up by the end of March. End of March! WTH! I was so defeated at this point. With the drama of the incident at the apartment and the lack of care the management showed to us and the lack of security and the fact that we will now be in this apartment for a full year I was just so disappointed. Then I can't complain because every time I do I seem to get shot down or made to feel I needed to expect delays so I will just keep my opinions to myself and I will keep my frustrations on the noisey upstair neighbors and the slackness (if that's even a word) of the management of the apartments to myself as well. None of it is even worth it anymore to me. I will just buy my time until we can get in the house at this point. Suddenly over last weekend I finally realized why all this is getting to me so much. We were initially expected to be in the house prior to Luke arriving which would have given me time to get settled and mentally and emotionally ready for him, but to also get myself in a routine prior. Then that would give me time to get mentally and emotionally prepared for May to arrive and prepare myself for what would have been Chad's 34th birthday which always falls on Memorial Day weekend. That's a very hard time of year almost more than December 1st. However, it is hard for most people to understand that. The response I've gotten from most people is, well, let's be real, you are always unpacked in a weekend so you will have plenty of time. Okay, here is the issue with that comment. It is not about being unpacked. I never said it was about being unpacked. It is about feeling settled and getting a routine and getting emotionally and mentally ready first for Luke's arrival and then for May to hit. Well, obviously we will not be in before Luke arrives and there is no way with Luke here March 11th and loving on him and the change that brings that I will even be close to prepared for May to be here and it being the 12th birthday that Chad has not been on this earth. But you know, it is what it is and if I'm surrounded by those that don't and can't get it I will just add this to those things that I can't control and will have to push down deep inside so that no one is uncomfortable and don't have to worry about my feeilngs. I just go through times off and on during life that I have absolutely no control of my life and since October for this wave of that I am in that space of no control. It sucks, because I am very much about being in control of my life and feelings and when I am not, my anxiety is off the charts and trust me, right now and since Oct. it has been. I'm trying a new medicine to see if that at least helps me sleep better to see if that helps some, but so far I'm not seeing huge gains there yet, but I'm trying to be patient with that. My hope and prayer would be that some compassionate and as much understanding as possible could come from those that have responses like I've been receiving, but honestly, unless they had to walk in my shoes (which I would never want) they really wouldn't be able to comprehend. Or, maybe they do or can, but they are just much stronger than I am and that too is very possible. Maybe I am just so broken that I'm not near as strong as I believed myself to be. Hmmmm... Who knows. All I know is the way I feel now, sucks big time. I know it will eventually ease until the next trigger and I will find a way to navigate through that one just as I have the last eleven years.

Like a Wave

Some days are managable, but there are some days that it is almost impossible to manage. Missing you is always right there, always. However, there are those days that the sadness washes over me like a wave. Today seems to be that kind of day. This is the first time that I have noticed that I felt this wave building. I know, it sounds odd or maybe needs more explaining. This is the best way I can describe it. Over the last couple of weeks I have just been off. At first I just brushed it off to just not feeling my absolute best with my health. I didn't know what it was, but I also was not sleeping. I went three nights in a row where I could not sleep. One night I did dose off and on for a total of 3 hours, but outside that I could not sleep. I felt like I was walking each day in a fog. I was just going through the motions of my day. I did my work, I took care of the house and Tebo. I checked on family memebers and friends just as I normally would do. However, in my heart and mind, I was just going through the motions and putting one foot in front of the other, but I was also a bit withdrawn. You might wonder how I could be withdrawn, but still going about my normal daily routines. You might be surprised just how easy that is. Obviously with my husband it did not go unnoticed. When he would ask me what was wrong or what I was thinking about, I just didn't answer and looked down. Thankfully he knows me well enough to know that when I am super quiet, I am working through something. It truly doesn't matter if it is a fallen hero or a friend that has lost a child, I immediately go to you in my heart and mind and immediately feel immense sadness that flows over me. However, on the contrary, when someone asks me to use your name to name their child, especially when it is their first child and even more impactful, when your precious niece, Jorden, asked permission to use your name I am overcome with pride and appreciation. Let me explain what I mean by that. To have anyone want to name their child, especially their first child, after you it means (to me) that you were respected, loved, appreciated, and cherished in a way that can only impact me with such pride and gives me a little piece of you, in some ways, continues on within these babies. It's hard to put into words just how much that means to me and how happy it makes my heart that they love you enough to do that. So just to elaborate a bit on Jorden's little baby boy. She has named him Cohen Wade Taylor. She was the most respectful when she called (Face Time) me to ask if it was ok to use your name for her sweet baby boy. First, that precious girl could ask me anything and there is a good chance I will always tell her yes. Yes, I could be a little bias, but as her Ammy, it's my preogative to do so. She loved you so much that I know there is a void in her heart much like the void she feels with Jessica. You were good to her and you loved her and obviously she feels the same about you enough to name her first born after you. Also, the fact that Caleb is having his first child, a boy, and he didn't hesitate to agree with using your name tells me a lot about him. I haven't met him in person yet, but I feel like I know him through Jorden, your aunt Paige, and your uncle Rodney and that is good enough for me. Chad, you would be so proud of Jorden. Not only has she moved to SC to a great job all on her own, but she bought her first home, on her own (she did include Caleb) and now expecting her first baby, but she has done all of this with such grace. In the midst of just buying her first home and with COVID front and center, she stopped what she was doing and flew into AR to be here when BoBo passed so she could be a source of support for your aunt Paige and I have to believe for me too. She was wonderful and yes, gorgeous. I got to touch and love on her baby bump (which is totally precious by the way) and just enjoy her precense. It was wonderful to say the very least.

"Heaven Help Me"

One of my dearest friends, who sadly is walking this terrible journey like me for the last 3 years, shared this song with me today. If you wuold like to know my true feelings, (much like hers and most parents who have lost a child)I encourage you to take a minute and listen to Zach Williams' song, "Heaven Help Me". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CH5QaYzinI