You know those days when it feels like you are the only one in this world hurting? Well, here goes my pity party. For many months now I have felt exactly that way. I know it is selfish and I will own that right now. I hope I haven't let others know or see that side, but honestly I'm not sure it's possible to feel that way and others not see it in some form or fashion.
I have felt like some people I love with all my heart (not my husband) have put distance between us and that has bothered me to the point that I find myself consumed with that feeling and hurt. That's on me. I am one of the worse about keeping certain feelings buried inside and I do struggle (except here) letting my feelings known. I need to do better at that, but I was like this as long as I have memory, however, I do believe it's been worse since I lost Chad.
I am definitely a different person since losing him. I don't think I would say I am a bad person, just different. I do find that I pull away quicker from people/situations when I feel hurt, angry, or any emotion really. I don't want to be that way, but it is just how I cope apparently.
I've had several very emotional days lately. I guess it started before last Friday, but seems it's been worse since then.
You might wonder why last Friday. Well, last Friday Tebo and I attend the 7th annual AR Run for the Fallen at Chad's mile marker in Altus, AR. It is the most amazing tribute to the 144 of Arkansas' fallen heroes. Mine just happens to be one of the 144. It breaks my heart even typing that, but that's the truth.
Anyway, I held myself together while we were there and I usually have a little weepy moment while we make the 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive back to N.W. AR, but for the most part I can hold it together. Well, this weekend was, for whatever reason, an exception to that statement. I can't justify the crazy it feels when it hit, because it was so trivial that I probably shouldn't even share, but there may be another parent out there that has had the same thing happen and if not, you just get a free laugh at my expense and I'm ok with that. So here goes. Saturday I had a list of things I wanted to get done around the house while Tebo and Tia were working in the backyard. My list was simple, normal cleaning downstairs, catch up on filing and organizing the office, do the floors downstairs and strip the sheets off Chad's bed in the event someone unexpected needed a place to sleep the sheets would be clean. Ok, so far so good, right. Well, yes, so far. Chad's room has really been one of the last rooms we have completely put together since moving into this house. It had eventually gotten somewhat put together, but not completely. No, it didn't really matter and it was no big deal, just hadn't been completed. Well, a dear friend of mine had her mother (and she helped) make me a quilt out of Chad's old baseball uniform t-shirts with TN orange and white on the back. I had just laid it over his bed (although it really doesn't fit for that). I had not gotten bedding for his bed yet as we had been using the Murphy Bed, but decided after this move we would not use it as it didn't weather the move very well this time. We had gotten a platform bed frame and I just did that for the time being. So I go through the day and get all my list done and had decided while Chad's sheets dried I would go out and help Tebo and Tia. Once we were done in the yard another friend of ours came by, Tebo had grilled and we were eating dinner. I went in to get the dried sheets out and started making his bed and as I was laying the quilt on the bed I just fell apart. I have no idea why, but I could not control it. The friend of ours came in and yelled from downstairs, bye mom (inside joke) see ya later. I respond back that I would see him later and I could not control or stop the tears. I went downstairs to get a glass of wine and was planning to just take a minute when I meet Tebo and the tears flowed even more. I said I just need a minute, got my glass of wine and went back to Chad's room and just sat in the chair in the quiet. Once I could finally compose myself I went outside and Tebo asked if I was ok and I said, yes, I just have to get new bedding for his room and get that room pulled together. Of course without hesitation he said ok. We did just that the very next day. We still have a few things to finish it up, but it feels much more put together. I don't know why that bothered me so badly, but apparently his room needs to be done. I know he will never see or be in that room, it just didn't seem to matter at that moment.
there have been a ton of things over the last year that have just been building and compiling in my life as it is in most people's lives. I'm sure most people handle all these things far better than myself and I can own that. I just do not know how to stop this vicious cycle.
the hurt and sadness I feel isn't something that I can fix or will go away where it pertains to Chad, but the others that have put me in this place could make it better in that respect, but what do you do when the other person is so prideful and has a difficult time apologizing? Nothing! You just wait for them to finally be in a place to move forward and sadly the "I'm sorry" may never come so you might as well prepare yourself for that. I have. What I have a hard time with is the distance and the silence.
I know you can't fix other people. I also know I can't control others, I can only control myself and how I react/respond. However, if the other person never gives me a chance to react or respond I guess that's another way, but that way sucks to be quite frank.
I will likely do like I always do. I will eventually feel I can confront this person and give him/her a chance to explain and while I have no expectations of receiving an apology, maybe things can go back to normal. If not, it won't be the first time (and apparently not the last) that I have had to learn a new normal.
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
What's the word?
If you have never lost a child you won't actually be able to help me with this question. You would have to experience this kind of loss and pain to even grasp what this feels like. There are events that pop up every year and often in the year that just brings everything flooding back. It doesn't have to be big events and it doesn't even have to be events. It could be a song, a commercial, someone else's pain, really anything can trigger it.
This week has been one of those weeks that I find it hard to breathe and even harder to just have to be around people and fake happiness in general. I don't know why exactly, but I know it is hard to find the word that would describe the type and depth of sadness in my heart. Friday this week Tebo and I will drive to a mile marker in Altus, AR to the Altus Court House to be there when runners run a mile in honor of Chad. He is number 7 out of 144 Fallen Heroes that will be honored that day. All of these Heroes are from Arkansas. It is so sad and surreal when you look at the numbers like that. 144 young men/women who gave their lives fighting for our country just in the state of Arkansas. Just breaks my heart. Just in the state of Arkansas there are 144 moms and dads that feel this type of pain and sadness. If I had to guess I would imagine that they too cannot find the word to describe this sadness.
I have thought about Tebo's mom a lot this week as she has been sick. We were very worried that she might not make it. While she was kind of out of it if you will she was talking to family members that had passed on before her. One of the saddest ones was her oldest son. She saw him twice and thought he was coming to get her in 4 days. I literally could not hold back the tears. As a mom, I completely get it. Even when she didn't know what she was saying or probably even where she was she was longing for her son. She lived 87 years (at the time) and had to lay to rest her first born. She has, now at 88 years old, out lived one of her children. How terribly sad is it that she would out live a child. That's not how this is supposed to work. We are supposed to bury out parents and grandparents, but not our children.
It would be hard for someone that has not lost a child to truly grasp this next statement and before I even type it I would like to make it perfectly clear. I am not suicidal and I never have been and don't expect I ever will be. However, there are days that I pray that the Lord would just make it so my heart would just stop beating so I can see my son again. I won't lie, I have said this prayer many times and I imagine as long as I am on this earth I will continue to pray that prayer. It's not that I want to leave my husband and family and friends, it is only because I long for my son in such a way that I cannot find the words to express it. The only thing that would make this feeling go away is for him to be in front of me so I can hug him and kiss his forehead again and tell him how much I love him and just watch him sleep in that crazy position one more time.
There is a song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away". That has never had so much meaning in my entire life than it has since 12-1-10. I would go every day if I could so just love on him and see how he was. He wasn't a huge talker so I know there wouldn't be a lot of words exchanged (we never needed that), but there would be hugs and just time spent together that I cherish so much.
It doesn't matter how a child dies or when, it is the same kind of pain and I would bet that all parents have a difficult time expressing how that feels. It just is and there is nothing that will take that pain away.
Oh, and NO, it does not get better or easier to not have your child. It never will. We might find better ways of coping, yes, but go away or become easier, absolutely NOT!
If you have been blessed enough to have never had to bury your child I would encourage you to take a moment and not only be thankful, but let that child regardless of age that you love them and when you can, give them a hug that lets them know you never want to let them go. You are not guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), so make the most of that time you have while you have it.
Chad, this is specifically for you (even though I realize you cannot read this). You were always the best thing I have did and I love you more than anything or anyone in this world and I always will. You were a blessing I was never supposed to have and you truly made my world a beautiful place until the day you left. I truly never believed I could love the way I loved you, but I did and I still do. Nothing will ever change that and I long for the day I can wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead. Love you more than you could ever know, Momma Bear.
This week has been one of those weeks that I find it hard to breathe and even harder to just have to be around people and fake happiness in general. I don't know why exactly, but I know it is hard to find the word that would describe the type and depth of sadness in my heart. Friday this week Tebo and I will drive to a mile marker in Altus, AR to the Altus Court House to be there when runners run a mile in honor of Chad. He is number 7 out of 144 Fallen Heroes that will be honored that day. All of these Heroes are from Arkansas. It is so sad and surreal when you look at the numbers like that. 144 young men/women who gave their lives fighting for our country just in the state of Arkansas. Just breaks my heart. Just in the state of Arkansas there are 144 moms and dads that feel this type of pain and sadness. If I had to guess I would imagine that they too cannot find the word to describe this sadness.
I have thought about Tebo's mom a lot this week as she has been sick. We were very worried that she might not make it. While she was kind of out of it if you will she was talking to family members that had passed on before her. One of the saddest ones was her oldest son. She saw him twice and thought he was coming to get her in 4 days. I literally could not hold back the tears. As a mom, I completely get it. Even when she didn't know what she was saying or probably even where she was she was longing for her son. She lived 87 years (at the time) and had to lay to rest her first born. She has, now at 88 years old, out lived one of her children. How terribly sad is it that she would out live a child. That's not how this is supposed to work. We are supposed to bury out parents and grandparents, but not our children.
It would be hard for someone that has not lost a child to truly grasp this next statement and before I even type it I would like to make it perfectly clear. I am not suicidal and I never have been and don't expect I ever will be. However, there are days that I pray that the Lord would just make it so my heart would just stop beating so I can see my son again. I won't lie, I have said this prayer many times and I imagine as long as I am on this earth I will continue to pray that prayer. It's not that I want to leave my husband and family and friends, it is only because I long for my son in such a way that I cannot find the words to express it. The only thing that would make this feeling go away is for him to be in front of me so I can hug him and kiss his forehead again and tell him how much I love him and just watch him sleep in that crazy position one more time.
There is a song "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away". That has never had so much meaning in my entire life than it has since 12-1-10. I would go every day if I could so just love on him and see how he was. He wasn't a huge talker so I know there wouldn't be a lot of words exchanged (we never needed that), but there would be hugs and just time spent together that I cherish so much.
It doesn't matter how a child dies or when, it is the same kind of pain and I would bet that all parents have a difficult time expressing how that feels. It just is and there is nothing that will take that pain away.
Oh, and NO, it does not get better or easier to not have your child. It never will. We might find better ways of coping, yes, but go away or become easier, absolutely NOT!
If you have been blessed enough to have never had to bury your child I would encourage you to take a moment and not only be thankful, but let that child regardless of age that you love them and when you can, give them a hug that lets them know you never want to let them go. You are not guaranteed tomorrow (none of us are), so make the most of that time you have while you have it.
Chad, this is specifically for you (even though I realize you cannot read this). You were always the best thing I have did and I love you more than anything or anyone in this world and I always will. You were a blessing I was never supposed to have and you truly made my world a beautiful place until the day you left. I truly never believed I could love the way I loved you, but I did and I still do. Nothing will ever change that and I long for the day I can wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead. Love you more than you could ever know, Momma Bear.
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| Just at BoBo & Nana's house (picture courtesy of Stacy Croft) |
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| You know, just at home showing mommy how to cook. |
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| His mean football face. |
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| At his last Croft reunion in one of his favorite shirts |
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| Senior picture (picture by Stacy Gough @ Phorever Studios) |
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| Home on leave in another favorite shirts |
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| Right before leaving for Boot Camp in Kansas City, MO (2007) |
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| From his wedding (9-18-2009) |
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