It's not what you might think. I'm not sorry for anything. I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling sorry for myself. I try not to do this often, but hard as I may try, today is just one of those days when I can't control that feeling.
I dreamed over and over last night that I kept saying, "Chad is coming home!". The dream had no substance, it was just me saying that over and over to the point that it woke me up. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and maybe a touch of anger. I am really angry inside that I had to lose him, but more sadness comes out than anger (thank goodness).
I see people these days that seem ungrateful or don't take the time to just be with the people they love (or should love) and I think about what I'm missing, my family is missing, and while Chad isn't missing it as he is in the Lord's gloriousness, I have to think if he could he would be missing us. I'm grateful he can't feel that sadness.
I warned at the start of this blog that I was feeling sorry for myself and that's definitely what I'm doing, I will own it, but I also promise not to allow it to go on.
I think about how Chad grew up. Trust me, he was not without the things he needed and even a lot of the things he wanted, but he didn't have the privilege of having named brand clothing, the latest in video games, cell phones, etc. He had to buy every vehicle he had and pay his own insurance as well as pay for his cell phone bill. Sadly, I just didn't have it to do more or I would have certainly tried. However, I see this new generation of kids coming up and they have so much technology and some are barely talking well. I know times have changed, I'm not that naïve, but it is really sad to see that relationships are changing due to technology. Conversations aren't happening in the same way, and it feels like people are disconnected from people and only connected to their electronics.
To add insult to injury while feeling like this and feeling so much frustration, I see these "celebrities" that feel the need to bash our new president before giving him a chance to fail. They are claiming all these things that "may" happen and yet they are creating division and tension in this country for those that are willing to listen. Instead of marching or protesting or destroying things and even as far as making threats, how about think about the young men and women still out there fighting for you to have these rights. How about the families that have lost loved ones in this war that is still going on by the way. How about these young men and women that come back from war and try to integrate into civilian life and all they see is violence and discord as well as division. Most of these young men and women are still in their early 20's. What are we teaching them? What are we teaching our children about respecting authority and people of position?
It's frustrating all the way around. I should not have to live out my days without my son. I do not like seeing all these "entitled" kids float through this world like the world owes them. I definitely do not like celebrities using their status for their own agenda (stay out of politics) and the division and violence in this world is probably some of the saddest I've seen. What in the world are we doing in this country? How are we any different than third world countries with limited law and policies?
Such a sad state we are in at this time. I only pray it turns around and regardless who our president is, we should respect his position. Guess what, there have been a lot of presidents I didn't like, however, I didn't take that and create chaos and build anger in this country. I gave him (& would give her) a chance to fail before condemning him or her. Sad, just sad.