Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Pushing Forward...

A small gesture or memory arises and I find myself lost in thoughts of what if or how would it be, or only if...
Those small things make it so hard at times to have to face the world and put on the "face" others expect to see.  You do it, you put on that "face" you feel people expect or want to see and you continue through the day, but some days you are numb to everything or feel like you are in a fog of sorts.  I don't believe it will matter how many years, months, weeks, days, hours, or minutes pass, I believe those days will still happen over and over again.
Some days might be a tad easier to face than other days, but none are truly easy.  You might feel a little less numb one day or a little less like you are in a fog, but that hole in your heart is still there.  It continues to ache only when you breathe.
There are days you feel you are totally and completely alone even when you know you aren't, but that feeling of loneliness is there in a very deafening silence.  You can force yourself to feel somewhat better and force a smile and good attitude, but on the inside the silence is screaming at you.
You don't want to tell your loved ones how you feel inside, because you don't want them to feel like they are failing you in any way.  It's not that they are or could fail you, it's just that there is truly nothing anyone can do to take this kind of pain away or even lessen it.  They can certainly make you feel loved and cared for and they do, but there is nothing anyone could ever do to take it away.  It just is what it is at this point in life and you do the best you can each day to keep pushing forward.  Some days are a little easier than others to do that, but on those days when you just don't think you can do it, it needs to be ok not to.  I'm still on that journey to allow myself to have those days and just not push forward that day.  I hope to get there one day, but I think I worry more about making those around me feel bad or feel guilty in some way that I don't allow myself to have those days.  I'm working on that.
When you have those days, it's ok to either reach out to someone or not.  You are allowed to have sad days and harder days than others, but it's not ok to stay there.  You can have your "bad days" or "sad days" and sometimes they do last more than a day or two, but then you have to force yourself to get past that place and push forward.  It might not even feel natural to do so, but you have to do that anyway.  There is someone out there depending on you to push forward and be there when they need you.  You most likely have someone out there that is depending on you for more than just a shoulder to lean on and you want to be the most you can be for that person(s). 
Some might think when you are having your harder days that you are being weak or not trying.  Well, that couldn't be further from the truth.  When you get through your harder days and you still push through, that, to me, is when you are the strongest.  The easy part would be to stay in that dark place and never try to put your feet on the floor and move forward.  The easy part would be just to stay inside and withdraw from everyone and everything, but the strong part comes when you put how you truly feel aside and you do what you are expected to do anyway.  Never let anyone tell you that you are weak just because you give into a bad or sad day for a time, because the fact that you get past that time and push forward screams strength and courage like none other. 
You can do it.  You might need a cheerleader(s) and you might need "your person" to remind you that it's ok to have those days, but you can't stay there.  Whatever it takes, you can do it.  You might not want to right now and you may think there is no way you can do it, but I know you can.  It won't be easy and you most likely won't even like it (at first), but you can do it and you will do it.
We can't always make sense of what or why things happen.  None of this makes sense to me right now and I'm pretty certain it never will, but unfortunately we don't get a vote in how our lives turn out or what happens to us when it is out of our control.  We just have to find a way to push forward and stay the course and pray that we make it through as unscathed as possible. 

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