Sixteen Years

It's hard to believe it's already been sixteen years married and tewenty years together. We have been through so much in that amount of time. More than most people go through in a lifetime, let alone sixteen years. We have lost friends, all our parents, a child, three grandchildren. We have made new friends and traveled the world to places I never dreamed I would ever get to see. We have survived a pandemic and watched each other grow personally and in our careers and now we are building our first and forever home together. I cannot imagine doing any of this with anyone other than you. I'm so grateful that the Lord allowed our paths to cross just at the right time and moment in our lives and that he had this plan for us and that we were wise enough to follow his plan. I am so grateful that our children and our families love each other and have blended as well as they have. It's not to say there haven't been bumps here and there, but overall, it's been a blessed sixteen years of marriage. I've had the bad marriage where there was unhappiness and tension all the time and feeling of never being enough or never feeling loved. I never knew marriage could be like this and for that I am so grateful and blessed. I know I never want to go through this life with anyone other than you by my side and that I know for sure. You are not only my best friend and what I truly believe to be my soul mate, but you are my better half. It's over-used for sure, but you truly do complete me. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for you and what you do for me and how you love me. You care for me in a way no one else has ever been able to do before. You ask for nothing in return, but merely how you love me it makes it so easy for me to love you back. I know you probably don't even realize that, but just you loving me and making me feel like you do makes me want to do all I can to make sure you know you are loved and cared for and that you are the most important man in my life, and you are. One day I may have the right words to truly express how much I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me, but today this is the best I have. You have been there for me when we lost Chad and I had no will to live. Not that I would have taken my own life, but I certainly had no desire to make sure I didn't carry on. You made sure I did carry on. You made sure when daddy needed us the most that we made it work for him to move in and you helped me take care of him without hesitation and I know it wasn't easy. I know he took a lot of my time and our time as well as money and just changing up our routine and lifestyle, but you never complained and you loved on him and helped me out as if he were your daddy too. Thank you. When daddy passed you cared for me and my sisters and helped us figure out what we do next and never missed a beat. You were and are my rock. I never have to worry about the strength you will show. You just always show up, no matter what. There are so many things I love about you, but your quiet strength and quiet love it probably my favorite. You don't have to be outward with it, you just quietly show it to me daily and I never have to wonder, I just always know. That feels good. I will always love you and care for you as long as I am on this earth and I will always be grateful to you for all you do and continue to do for me and for my family. I look forward to what the years hold for us and especially when we get into our retirement home and have our grandkids across the street. I know we will be building new wonderful memories together and I can't wait. Loving you and being loved by you has been one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. I love you babe. You have my whole heart.

Half Your Life

It is truly hard to believe that as of today, you have been gone exactly half as long as you were on this earth. I do not know how it is even possible and I really do not know how it's possible I've been able to survive elevn years without you. When I consider the fact that I could possibly live another eleven years without you which will mean that you will have been gone from this earth as long as you lived, it terrifies me and breaks my heart even more. That would make me sixty six years old. I don't want to be here for the day that you have been gone as long as you lived on this earth. Of course I would never cause anything to make that reality, but my heart doesn't want that. Sad truth, with our family history there is a good chance a lot of my memory will be compromised, but one thing I know for sure is I will NEVER be able to forget that you are no longer here and that you are the largest void in my heart and life. Granny, BoBo, nor did Grandmother Croft never forgot you with that dreaded disease, so there is absolutely I will never forget either. That just means Tebo's life will likely only get worse for him when it comes to me and my grief of missing you and I hate that for him. He will be 72 by then since he will have just had his birthday and he deserves better than that, but I also know he is strong enough to handle it. I just hate it for him. Chad, you were truly the best thing I've ever done and although I thought I knew heartbreak when we lost Jessica, I had no idea the pain your aunt "Paigey" went through. Sadly, now I do. My heart feels like what I would imagine what a mirror or glass would feel like when it shatters, but the odd and problem with the heart is it shatters every moment that I am breathing. I know that sounds dramatic and you know I am far from dramatic, but that is truly the best way to express how it truly feels. The only thing that gives me hope is that one day I do know that there will come a day that we will be reunited again, but trust me, that day cannot come fast enough. I can't say that to many people, well, really only one person who can understand without worrying about me actually doing something about it, but I would be lying if I didn't say I don't long for the day when the good Lord decides it is time for me to reunite with you. I need to hug you like only a momma bear can do and kiss that forehead of yours and just smell you and see that crooked littlel grin and hear your quick witt and hear all your new stories and hear all the shenanigans you and Jessica and BoBo have gotten into while Granny is over there watching and laughing and probably saying "Larry"... LOL! Just promise me you will be waiting at the gates for me with a huge hug when I get there, because trust me, I will need it and I am sure I will be crying, but it will be all happy tears and I will need lots of one on one time with you to catch you up on all the wonderful things going on down here, especially with Cohen and Jorden and Peanut. I would say Scooter too, but he could sure use you and BoBo right now, but he will grow out of it (soon I hope), but he is being his mom at his age right now (Eeeekkk). I knwo he will get through it, but your influence sure would be nice. I love you son and just taking flowers to the cemetery seem so little and meaningless, it's really all I have. Tebo and I did sponsor eleven Wreaths for Wreaths Across America this year in memory of you for the eleventh anniversary, but again, just doesn't seem enough. I guess my tears and reflection of you will just have to do since that's really all I can do, but I pray you know that a moment I am breathing on this earth is a moment that you are missed and loved. I love you son! Love, momma bear.