When feelings have a color

When I can decribe my feelings with a color today, it would be blue. On the outside I look like I always do, but on the inside the tears are flowing. I'm so grateful that I am currently still working from home just in case the tears decide to flow outwardly. I can't explain these feelings. It started this past weekend when I truly recognized it. It is entirely possible it started prior to that, but Saturday is when I was accutely aware of feeling this way. Of course I kept that hidden. There is no reason to express that outwardly. There isn't anything anyone can personally do to help that feeling go away so it's just best for everyone if I just keep that pushed down, but it doesn't mean that those feelings just disappear because they are hidden deep inside. I want to cry and on the insde I am as I mentioned. I just hope that I am able to remain focused so that I can get work done and the things I have going on at home done so that I don't fall behind on either responsiblity. Another strange thing about how I feel today is something I have a hard time admitting, but it feels like a bit of anger. I don't really like that word as it isn't a feeling I have very often and I really do not like that word or that feeling. I'm not even sure if that is even a fair description of how I feel, but that seems to be what it does feel like. I won't allow myself to keep that feeling or show that feeling, but that's a bit how it feels today. I don't understand it nor do I want to really. It's just laying there under the surface for some reason today. I know that will pass as I do not like that feeling at all. I'm not a fan of sadness, but unfortunately, that is a feeling that has never left since December 1, 2010 and I don't suspect it ever will. Anger on the other hand is not something I will allow to linger inside me. I don't like it and I really don't like how it feels. So today and on the inside only will I allow that to happen. When I go to bed tonight it is my hope that I can just let that little feeling go to sleep and no awake again. I don't believe these moments will ever change, but I actually thought by now I would have gotten better at handling these moments by now. Don't get me wrong, I do think i do better at it at times, but there are many times that I don't feel I am any better than I was 10 1/2 years ago. I function every day and some days I function better than others. There are other days when I don't function as well as others, but I do at least try every day. I know one day I will reunite with Chad and I know it will be a glorius day, but today, I'm sad. I want to cry and I really want to just curl up in the bed and be quiet and alone with my sadness, but that is not an option. Since that is not an option, I will continue to try and focus and do the jobs and tasks before me and continue about my day and do the best I can do and press on just as I do each day. Until the day comes when I can see you again my sweet son I will miss you and long for you with every breath I take. Love, momma bear.

Oh BOY!

Words really won't do this blog justice, but I will do the best I can to convey my true emotions about this baby boy. I really thought it would be hard for me to feel love for a baby like I had with Chad until I got to lay eyes on my baby boy's child one day. Obviously, that will never happen. Don't feel sorry for me, I've been blessed. Chad has amazing friends from school and the Marine Corps that have honored his memory by naming their babies after him and/or allowed us to be honoary grandparents to their children. We are blessed. However, one little boy has stolen my heart in a way that I did not think would be possible and here is the real kicker, I haven't even met him in person yet. That's right, I've seen tons of pictures and videos and we have face timed, but I haven't gotten to squeeze those little ear lobes or kissed those piggies yet or held that sweet boy, but I love him already. His name? Well, it's Cohen Wade Taylor. He is beautiful and perfect in every way. I will tell you just a little about him. He was born Tuesday, November 17, 2020 weighing 9 pounds 3 ounces and 21 inches long with black hair. He has his daddy's eyes and at first my precious neice didn't think he looked anything like him, but I can tell you by January I could see a lot of his momma in him. On February 22nd he had to have a little surgery to get rid of a cyst on his kidney. It went well and besides wanting to be held for a few weeks after he did great. He is going to be a tough little man. However, we all think he is growing a tad too fast for our taste. That little stinker started holding his own bottle on March 4th (WHAT!), slow down there mister. He is trying really hard to laugh out loud and his GiGi took him outside this past weekend and she crumbled up a leaf and the thought that was great. He is getting great at tummy time and loves his naps (wish I could say he got that little trait from his uncle Chad, but sadly that isn't the case). His momma and daddy have done a great job with sleep training and schedules and my hat is off to GiGi for sticking to the schedule, because I'm not so sure this Ammy would be so great. I might do a bit more spoiling and cheating with my time (LOL, sorry Jordy). That's why he has an Ammy and he isn't afraid to use her (yep, he told me so) Hehehehehe. Okay, back to Cohen, he got a new bathtub seat and I have to say, it's pretty cool and he gets to sit up so tall and sees all his cool toys and he seems to love it. He really likes bath time. He doesn't really like being dressed so much. I guess you could say he likes being dressed as much as I like wearing shoes and if you know me for like a skinny minute you know I hate wearing shoes. LOL He looks at his momma like he just adores her (I think he just might) and he loves to fall asleep on GiGi's chest (this might be where Ammy will fall short, sorry little buddy). I'm pretty sure he will love working in the kitchen with his daddy when he gets a little bigger. He will definitely be his PawPaw's little buddy as soon as he can hold a hammer or at least walk out into the field with him. Needless to say, I'm pretty in love with this little nugget and cannot wait until the moment I get to actually put my hands on him. I just hope he doesn't grow so much that I can still hold him when I do get to meet him in person. I've been so fortunate that my sister has been so great to face time me when she is there and sends me lots of pictures and Jorden does too. I just love it. It makes me feel like I'm right there and I don't feel like I've missed a thing. It's just wonderful. I hate the miles between us, but I love the fact that a silly little phone allows us to feel like we are in the same room. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, he has a squeal like none you've ever heard before and I just love it. It's just perfect like he is. Did I mention that I'm completely in love with this little nugget? Well, just in case I haven't, I just love this little nugget. BTW, I have great pictures, but this new Blogger won't let me load them. I am not happy about that. If anyone knows how to do this please help me out.