Friday, December 4, 2015

Crappy Circumstances

I wanted to use a more descriptive adjective for the title, but I didn't want to have a bad word out there in case my parents read it.  But "crappy" circumstances is very much an understatement for my topic today.
I will admit something here that I have only said out loud once or twice and I'm usually very careful who I would say this out loud to, because too many times I'm afraid people will read more into this statement than what is intended.  So this next statement comes with a disclaimer of no worries, it isn't like I'm going to do anything or act on anything, it's just a statement.  I have to admit at times, since losing Chad, that I have felt a little jealous when I hear of someone (especially young people) who has passed away.  It isn't for some weird demented reason, it is merely because I long to see my son so badly.  No, I am not suicidal and I don't have a death wish.  I have a longing to see my son's face again.  Period.  However, I am human and when I hear of a young mother (like I did this week) who dies in a car accident leaving behind a young daughter and family or 20 year old young man who also died in a car accident last week with so much life to live, I get a little jealous that they get to see my Chad before I do. Then I immediately think of the parents.  Oh Lord, now they are going to feel this ache that no parent should feel.
You never want to be in this situation.  As a parent you DO NOT want to bury your child.  It isn't normal and it is the worse heartbreak you will ever experience. 
I realize I've only  had 5 years to live through this journey so far, but I have a sister that has now lived this journey for 19 years and I can tell you, it does NOT get easier and it NEVER feels "normal".
There have been those who have said they wish it could be them and not me.  NO!  I would never wish this on anyone.  You do not want to walk in these shoes.  We are not "special" or "super strong people", we just had to adapt to a really "crappy" circumstance and honestly I know there are days we aren't even sure how we do it.  When someone says I'm not as strong as you or I couldn't do what you do if I lost my child, trust me, I do not feel strong.  I don't know how I get up each day and put my feet on the floor, but it turns out I don't have a choice so I just do it.  Any parent that has lost a child regardless how or when doesn't know how they will go on from there, but they know they have no choice so they just do it.  I know it is only by God's grace and the love and support I get from my husband, bonus kids, family, and friends that I get up each day and face this world.  Some days I do it a little better and with a little more grace than others, but I still do it, because there isn't another option until the Lord is ready to call me home.  Now, when he is ready to call me home, I am ready to go, but until then I just have to figure each day out as it comes and do the very best I can.
My heart aches in a way that I could never understand.  I thought I understood when my sister lost her daughter at 8 years old.  I thought I knew because I loved Jessica like my own and considered her as much mine as Paige's (although I know that wasn't truth) and while I grieved terribly when we lost her and there was never a time that she wasn't on my mind, it paled in comparison to losing my own son.  There are no true words to describe how this feels.  The only way you could ever know is to literally be unfortunate enough to have to live it through the actual experience and I can tell you, it will be the hardest thing you ever live through.
I've thought a lot about my (what could be considered controversial) statement about being jealous of those going on to heaven before me and at first I felt guilty or bad for even thinking it let alone say it out loud, but not any more.  I know I'm not looking to take my own life or even prevent getting better should I get sick, but that will never take the longing to see my son away.
If you are blessed with children regardless of their age, just cherish every moment you have with them as they are loaned to us for a time we do not know.  I would have never dreamed I would out live my son and my sister never dreamed she would out live her daughter.  I don't know any parent that ever dreams they would out live their child/children, but God has his own plans and while I am the first to admit that I question or wonder why, it's not for us to question.  One day we will hopefully know why he chose the young angels he chose and until that day I will continue loving and missing my son and continue to hope and pray no other parent has to walk this journey. 
A special little prayer for peace and comfort to my Garrison family and my Katie May and her family as they unfortunately find themselves in this "Crappy Circumstance".
This just shouldn't happen 

1 comment:

  1. My mom understands this pain twice over having lost both of her sons. I've seen the depth of her pain and ache to see my brothers again even for a moment but I do not truly understand because I've never had to live it. I pray I never do, I know that if you wake up each morning you are forced to breath which propels you through another day and the days turn to weeks, then months, and then years. You do have the comfort of knowing that you will see Chad again some day but I can only imagine how empty it must feel until that day is actually here. Please know that so many of us think of you often, remember your precious son, and pray peace onto you and your family and know that it will never be enough. Sending you love from one Marine mom to another.