These are beautiful words that were written by LaRita Archibald and reviewed by Rebecca Morrison that I read in the TAPS magazine. The main thing I read was "Believe it, my wounded friend. There will be a time when you won't hurt as bad as you do today; a time when you will laugh without feeling guilt; a time when you will again experience pleasure and look forward to each day with gratitude. Yes, there is a time ahead when you will flourish, thrive."
Well, while these are beautiful words and I am sure there is truth in these words, I just must not be there yet or even close. Honestly, I don't want it to hurt less. I don't want to carry on each day without feeling or knowing I have this loss that absolutely nothing will ever be able to fill. If I do that it makes me feel like he didn't matter or he was never here.
Yes, I know people mean well and I know even those that have lost a child find a way that it hurts a little less and they go on with their lives and I'm so grateful for that. Don't get me wrong, I go on with life. I get up every morning and go to work or carry on with my normal duties that I've always done, but it is with a different heart. It is with a gaping whole in my heart that at times feels like it will take me to my knees. While I am certain all parents that have lost a child in one way or another feel those pains and I know their loss is not lessened because of time. I'm just saying for me, that time has not come yet. The title to this article is "Finding Peace Without All the Pieces". I do like that phrase. That is exactly what life feels like right now and I believe will for the rest of my living days. I will be in search of finding peace without all the pieces.
Don't feel sorry for me though. I'm blessed to have an amazing family and amazing friends and seems like each day I continue to meet new friends and while some of those friends are in "the club" just as I am, it's always nice to meet new friends. I feel like I learn from them all in one way or the other and I can only hope and pray that I can give them something in return, but I'm not sure how that is possible at this point yet.
I love helping others. I would rather spend every day of my life helping someone else and doing for someone else than for someone to do something for me or to have to help me. I'm not a good patient and I'm an even worse (if possible) person in need when it comes to matters of the heart. I would like to think that will change, but I'm pretty sure this is just who I am and I'm not seeing a lot of changing taking place any time soon.
In the meantime I guess I will continue doing what I am most comfortable doing, helping others. I have words for others and I have great ideas in my head, but actually doing some of those things for myself just don't seem to come as easy for whatever reason.
If you are part of the military family and have found yourself in the unfortunate position to be a Gold Star Family and are not receiving the TAPS magazine, I encourage you to reach out to them at www.TAPS.org. There are so many good articles and events that are geared towards those families of our fallen whether it be in combat, from wounds sustained in combat, or losing a child to PTSD. They are here to help us all and while I may not reach back out for much, I do read nearly everything I can get my hands on. Who knows, maybe there will come a day when I feel I need more professional help and seek out a counselor, but for now, helping myself through reading, and learning from others, blogging and working our foundation and reaching out to those suffering with PTSD or have been impacted by this silent disease. This seems to be working ok for me right now and why mess with something that isn't broken. Right? :)