Happy 33rd Birthday

I can't believe today you would have been 33 yeard old. Instead, you are forever 22 years old. We have now gone through (after today) eleven birthdays without you on this earth. It just does not seem possible. So much has happened and changed since you have been gone. One thing that has not changed is my broken heart. If anything, I swear it continues to break on a daily basis. I've just gotten a bit better at hiding that as the years continue to pass me by. I will go to the cemetery and place flowers on this rainy birthday and, yes, I will likely shed some tears again, and come back home and finish my work day, but I will not be my whole self. I will not be happy or in a mood to celebrabte. I will be mourning your beautiful soul like I do and have done since December 1, 2010. That is how I will be "celebrating" your 33rd birthday today and how I have "celebrated" your birthday for the past now 11 years. src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjDRU2NfAystwlilYKazVaGLTet3MDbZP4sHk-9VvwY9yC70q8tjLL3dM3SgyOcfjnB4RXLhFYcOCE_bhgOmLCRFlhCkoUt6lSmsh8F7LLBh1vn7L2uxR2RA1riUJm9lvKvruiCvGlYASu/s320/Chad+-+BoBo.jpg"/>

Eleven

It is hard to believe this year marked eleven Mother's Days that have been observed without you. I just cannot even comprehend that. It still feels so fresh in so many ways and in many ways it feels like forever. Yes, I know, it sounds as crazy for someone reading this as it is for me typing or thinking it, but that's how it feels. My life has not, nor will it ever, be the same since December 1, 2010. I say it all the time and it is true every time. I don't know if that will ever change. Actually, that's not true. I know it will never change. What I do know what is different that I didn't think would ever change is I do feel some joy that I did not believe would ever happen again. It's kind of funny, because that joy is found in one of the tiniest little packages you could ever imagine and I haven't even laid eyes on this little package in the flesh yet. Cohen Wade! When I see his little face whether it be in a picture or face timing it just makes me smile so much from the inside out and I feel like I'm just going to bust with joy. Oh Chad, you would just love this little human. Chadman, I would give anything for you to just see how Jorden is with him and as a momma. I haven't seen it in person, but I don't have to. I can see it in pictures and in her voice. She is just wonderful. She has him on a wonderful sleep schedule (she did NOT get that from me and obviously not from you LOL) and he is just the happiest little baby. Tebo and I are going down there to finally meet him the end of May. Right after your birthday (I can't think of a better way to "celebrate" your birthday). I just could not wait until the end of June to meet him. I honestly cannot wait. We would have gone sooner, but poor Jorden is either working or in a wedding all of May. That girl is making you so proud with her work ethic and how well she is managing being a mom and working full time. I can't remember if I told you that she bought her own house all by herself and she and aunt Paige have sent me pictures and, Chad, it is just precious and uncle Rodney put Cohen a swing up on the front porch and it is adorable. Of course your momma, being your momma, the first thing I said when I saw it was "oh gosh, if he swings too high he might hit the window". LOL! Tebo died laughing and said, "babe, it will be a while before he can swing that high". Lord, it never dawned on me to think of that. LOL! See, some things never change I suppose. Anyway, I just needed to talk to you I guess. I miss you and as I thought about Mother's Day and realized I had survived 11 of them without you, I just couldn't believe it. It still just seems so unbelievable to me even after this many years. I love you sweet boy. I promise to love that sweet Cohen and give him lots of hugs and kisses as we celebrate what would have been your 33rd birthday when we see him May 28th. I wish you could be with us and love on him yourself, but this momma bear/Ammy will just have to do in your place. I will do my best to do you proud. I love you son. Love, momma bear.

Heaven Right Now

Thomas Rhett has a new song out there that Desi sent me last night and I waited until today to listen to it as she warned me I would cry. She was right, but what's new?. It's called, "Heaven Right Now" It's so perfect especially the part watching Tennessee making a touch down (those have been a little far and between lately). It's a lot of the same questions I long to ask you all the time. I do wonder every moment that I am breathing. I always wonder what you are doing in heaven right now and every day that I am breathing. I love you son and I miss you. Today is a hard day again. I don't know what is wrong with me this last few months. I just can't seem to shake this sad feeling I have lately. I know it will pass and get some better and I am sure this time of year and not feeling well is a huge part of it, but I do not like not having control of it. Also there has been so much stress and change at work and fixing to be even more. I found out last night that they are planning to bring us all back to the office July 5th. That breaks my heart as I will have no say and I will have to sit there with a mask on my face for 8+ hours Monday through Friday and I am not at ALL happy about that. Just the thought of that alone makes me want to cry, but I knew the day would come, I had just prayed I could have been retired before that happened, but that isn't reality and I get it, but I guess living in a dream world just felt better. I like my quiet peaceful time at home during the day without dealing with all the freaking people at work. It's just easier to deal with them over the phone or Zoon than in person. I guess when you have no choice, you just have no choice and I will just have to deal with it. Whatever. If I think about it too much I will just get pissed and that's no good for anyone. Anyway, today, I do wonder what you are doing in Heave right now more than ever because I could use a phone call with you just to talk and see how you are doing and what you are up to. Just hearing your voice would sure do me some good. I miss you.

Is it possible?

Is it possible to run out of tears? I have to wonder, because if it is possible, i have to wonder, how long does it take? Even if I'm not outwardly crying tears, trust me, they are falling. I feel like I'm crying 24/7 365 either on the inside or on the outside, but either way, there are tears being shed. I was just sitting hear working and had to fill out some paperwork for Chad and found myself tearing up yet again and just wondered, is it ever possible to run out of tears? I assume not since it's been 10 1/2 years and 2 days since you left this earth and yet they still fall. So if it is possible to run out, they sure do have a long shelf life. There are probably people out there that think, really? After all this time you still cry just hearing a song or filling out paperwork? Well, no, that's not the only reason, sometimes I cry just seeing your picture or thinking about you or just waking up in the mornings (or in the middle of the night). Sometimes just breathing can cause tears to flow. It doesn't have to be "anything" to cause the tears, they are just always right there waiting to fall. There are times I am able to keep them inside and there are other times that no matter how hard I try they fall regardless. Trust me, I try very hard every single day to keep them inside and most days I do really well at this, but there are days that regardless how hard I try, the tears are stronger than I am. I'm not sure how that happens, but it does. We are creeping up on what would have been your 33rd birthday (yes that seems utterly impossible) and I cannot help but wonder what you would be doing or if you would have ever been able to grow a real grown up mustache or beard LOL! (sorry buddy, but that one you tried in Afghanistan even you have to admit was pretty sad/funny) I wonder if you would have pursued the police academy or taken a different path. Tebo and I watch the Texas Game Warden show a lot and we both can't help but think that would have been you and Clint's dream job and you would have both loved it. There is just so much that people don't realize that when you bury your child that you miss out on. They seem to take for granted when they get to see them graduate, get married, have children, start a career, etc. how exciting that would be. Yes, seeing all that does bring worry as well, but you are watching them grow and you get to touch them and love on them. I miss that. I miss you. I don't know if it is possible to run out of tears, but I'm guessing if it is, I might be one of the first people to find out since I shed so many all the time. I can't help myself. I try not to, but I fail miserably every day. Most days I do a good job of hiding it from most people, but they are there, always. I'm not sure how I continue doing life each day, but somehow and for some reason I do and I guess until the Lord decides I've handled enough and paid enough dues with enough tears I guess I will keep on doing life. Just know that with every tear that I do shed it's because you are loved and missed so much that the explosion of missing all that just shows itself in the form of salty tears. I love you son.

Broken

Have you ever felt so broken that you weren't sure how or if you could ever be fixed even enough to function properly or even good enough again? Well, that's how I feel right now. It's not just because May is here and my heart has this enormous hole in it. It's not just because I'm reliving the nightmare of December 1, 2010 all over again with this class action law suit that we are having to gather all this inforamtion for and relive details that honestly I had not read before. It's not even that I don't even feel like a whole person with my brain all scrambled up due to the cuncussion. I think it's a combimation of it all. I feel like I am just one big confused blob moving around through this world just going through the motions more than normal these days and it makes me sad and mad at the same time. I'm just ready to feel like my old "new normal" again (I think) as scary as that might sound. I just need something to feel "right". I know I haven't felt right since December 1, 2010, but at least I knew why I didn't feel right then. Now I'm just at the mercy of doctors that I just met. Maybe once I finally get this MRI I will either get some results or they will just tell me AGAIN that it's going to take time. I'm over things taking time. Time just takes too long and some times TIME will never be enough.

New Place

This is another song that is pretty perfect about how I feel. It's by Carly Pearce and it's called "Show me Around". I personally hate that you got a new place, but I can't control or change that. I do wish heaven at least had visiting hours, but let's face it, if it did, would any of us really leave once we came to visit? I'm certain I would not. Oh, Chadman. I just don't know what to do with my feelings this week. I feel like I am drowning like I mentioned in an earlier blog this week. I cannot control my emotions this week. I've dreamed about you all week. I can't really remember all the dreams, but it is the first time I haven't just had visions of the "incident" and I am truly grateful for that. One of my dreams (I have this one a lot) I'm trying to pack you and not only could I not find your things, but I didn't know where I was. That could definitely be due to the fact that we just moved to this new apartment and I'm still adjusting, but when I do dream of packing for you I can never find your things and I often wonder if that is due to the fact that Katie never gave me any of your things like I had hoped. Who really knows and I likely never will and I'm starting to be okay with that, but I assume that's why I dream that dream all the time. I know it's silly, but it just is what it is I guess. We did receive a precious gift of our 2nd granddaghter, Kati Belle, today. It's always a very conflicting feeling to feel that kind of happiness and still feel so much saddness for you. It's a very odd feeling to have and very difficult to hide when you never want anyone else to know what you are feeling on the inside as I would NEVER wany anyone to know what I was fighting deep down inside. I would never want to make anyone feel bad or awkward due to my feelings, ever. It's also been hard because Shuck's son's 3rd anniversary of his passing is today and to have the birth of a life and the anniversary of a life lost on the same day is so difficult. I'm not telling her about kati until tomorrow as it woudl break her already broken heart even more and I will never be the person to do that to her. I love her too much for that. Chadman, I don't really know even after almost 10 1/2 years how to navigate this "new normal" life I'm left with, but I'm trying. I know one week out of many to just feel broken is supposed to be okay, but I really hate when I feel completely out of control of my emotions. That's just not who I am. I know I don't have to tell you, but I do have to get it out of my head. I will tell you what I think will help this funk I find myself in. We are going to make a quick trip to Greenville, SC to Jorden's to finally get to meet Cohen and I cannot tell you how excited I am. I might even end up crying when I get my hands on him and that will not make me very happy, but I also know I may not be able to help myself. I've been dying to see him since the moment he was born November 17, 2020, but with COVID and then my freaking fall I haven't been able to go, but thank you to Tebo he worked it out for us to make a quick trip down and then we are going to join them and aunt Paige and uncle Rodney in Charleston for Jorden and Caleb's birthdays the end of June and then we are going to stick around a few more days just to have a mini vacation from work. We can't wait. We have never had a vacation like this and we are over the moon about it. Chadman, I know you are in a better place and I know you are with our loved ones that went before and you are with Billy Booher, but I miss you. I need you. My heart has a hole that will never be filled and there are some days I don't know how to take that step forward, but I'm continuing to try. I love you and even though I know I will never be the person I was before you left this earth, just know that I am doing my best and I am trying, but there are going to be moments (some times days or weeks) that I don't do great, but I am trying. Love, Momma Bear.

Waves

There is a country song by Chris Young called "Drowning" that could not describe how I feel any better. I won't say everyday I feel like I am drowning, but everyday is a day of waves of emotions. Today, however, I happen to feel like I am drowning. It's really been this way all week and I have no one reason I can actually "blame" it on. It just seems to have happened this week. There is no anniversary, not trigger that is happening. It's just one of those days/weeks that I feel overwhelmed with emotions. I can't stop the tears whether they be pushed inside or start flowing outwardly. Thank you Jesus that I am still able to work from home. I'm not sure what I would be doing right now should I have to be at the office feeling the way I do this week. I've had to deal with that before and it is tough. I mange through it, but by the end of the day I am exhausted. I cannot even explain the kind of exhaustion that kind of tired is. Unless you have walked in my shoes and lost a child (I pray if you are reading this you have never had to experience this) then you can't really know this kind of exhaustion, but it is draining. It sounds odd I'm sure to say I feel like I am drowning when I'm not even in water, but oddly enough, I am in water. I am in a sea of tears whether you can see them or not, they are there. They are always there. I'm constantly crying. Most days I'm just really good at keeping them on the inside. Today, well really all week, I've not been as good at keeping them inside. I feel like I am taking everything very personally and I feel like such a failure as a wife, sister, friend, heck basically you name it and I feel like I'm feeling like a failure at it. I guess that's what drowning must feel like. You feel helpless and you can't even help yourself so how could you possibly help anyone else. Yep, that's where I am. I know (well, hell, I hope) it's fleeting (for now). The problem with it being fleeting is that I know it will rear it's ugly head again, it's just, when? That's the part that can be scary. You never know when it will hit again and sadly I don't know how long this one will take to snap out of it. This one is taking a longer time than it has in a very long time and that alone is a bit scary. Yes, I could explain it away with all that is going on with me and in my life lately, but those are excuses. I'm bigger/stronger than that, but nope, not this week for whatever reason. So there you have it. I'm having a drowning week. I pray it's just this week, but who the hell knows.