Poor Tia

Well, our family has been thrown another blow. Our Tia was 17 weeks pregnant and had literally just gotten her blood work to say that the pregnancy was going well and little baby Norah Elaine was healthy and all things looked great when suddenly this past Saturday, January 9, 2021 she went into labor and delivered little Norah who had passed a few days prior. We were heartbroken and heartbroken for Tia and Drew. We had already experienced this twice with Candi and now Tia with her first child had to experience this sad loss. However, we could not be more proud of her and Drew's strength they have shown and how they have leaned on their faith, family, and close friends to help them get through this difficult time. They have faced this loss with grace and maturity like I've never seen before. We could not have asked for better kids and for them to handle this any better than what we have seen with these two amazing kids of ours. We are truly blessed and sad at the same time. We know that Tia and Drew are both very strong and healthy young people and they will have a baby when the Lord is ready for them to have one. Continued prayers for their strength and healing during this time and for them to have renewed happiness when they become pregnant the next time.

Grief and COVID

This will sound odd to most, but those who have lost a child will get it (I hope). I've never been a super social person, but since Chad passed away, I became even less social. I cherished/cherish my time at home and in somewhat of solitude. Once COVID hit the first of March 2020, we had daddy here full time and working full time so there wasn't a lot of quiet time to think or process. If I wasn't working I was taking care of daddy and then it would be meal time, bed time and start over the next day. Since daddy passed in June it has been a bit different. I've had a chance to do my full time job and in down time or after logging off I can have some mental and emotional down time. That has been a blessing. I explained to my sister, Paige, that honestly it has been a blessing to have COVID lockdowns simply because I am not having to put on this facade in front of everyone at work like everything is okay. Everything will never be okay as long as I am on this earth without my son. However, COVID has been a blessing for me so that I can just do my job and not have to fake my feelings or put on a front for everyone so they aren't uncomforable. I don't like over-using the word grief, but I think in some way I will forever grieve the loss of my son. It does, however, make it easier to face my own feelings and do my job without feeling so exhausted when I get home from work. I do hope and pray that I am able to continue to work from home until such time that I can retire. I never want to have to go into that social enviornment again unless it is just for seeing some friends and we can do that righ here at home or on the patio so much better. So for me, even though Tebo and I both got COVID, I enjoy being home and not having to face people all day long and put on this happy face and make sure those around me don't feel uncomfortable or uneasy or obligated. So thank you in a way COVID for at least my time being home. I do hate that so many have lost their lives and suffered mentally, emotionally, financially and all other ways folks have struggled, but for me it has been a hidden blessing. Not only did I get great time with daddy before having to tell him good-bye for the last time, but it is helping my heart and mind heal.

I am an idiot!

I rarely get on social media anymore. No real reason other than I am on a computer all day and the last thing I wanted to do is look at my phone or computer after work. It's my "down" time. However, for whatever reason, today, I decided to check on some of Chad's buddies and see if there was anything new going on with them since Christmas. I came across the Wall Street Journal atricle done on the guys after Chad passed away on patrol. I had read the actual article years before, but I guess I was still in enough of a fog at the time I read it that I had not remembered a lot of details. Well, sadly, today I was reminded. I feel sick. I can't stop the tears and I just want to protect my son. I am so heartbroken and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I love my son with all my heart and everyday without him is hard. Some people may say, well, it's been 10 years now, are you not any better? NO! I am and never will be any better. I just learn better ways to cope with each day, but I will never be any better. I ache on the inside and literally there are days that I swear my heart is physically breaking. I don't know why the Lord continues to keep me on this earth, but so far he seems to have a reason. I would really like to ask him what my purpose is supposed to be, but I know I'm not really supposed to question him. I've said from the begining that I believed God saved Chad from a far worse faite. I do believe that, but it doesn't make the pain any easier to handle. It's still just as fresh today as it was that Wednesday, December 1, 2010. This has been a hard year. It was 10 years, we lost daddy and we as a world have been dealing with COVID 19. I didn't get "my time" on the first like I typically like to do and in some ways I did feel cheated (in a very selfish way), but I made it through it, but I can tell you, I am not okay. I'm hurting and there is nothing I know I can do to help or fix that. I lost my only child and we were so close and I miss him. I have a hole in my heart that will never be repaired. NEVER! My heart aches for his Marine buddies and his high school friends as I know they are hurting as well. I will never be okay and nothing or no one will ever be able to fill that hole. I just know I have to get up every day and do the best job I can and live the best life I can live and let me tell you, that is very hard and much harder to do than to type. I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you and you had to suffer. I'm sorry for the loss all your friends feel. I'm sorry this entire life changing event has changed who I am at the core. However, I love you enough that I will do what it takes for me to see you again. There are days that, that cannot come fast enough, but until it's my time, I will love you and miss you and try to live the best life I can with most of my heart missing. Love, Momma Bear...

Tenth Veteran's Day

Today marks the 10th Veteran's Day we have celebrated since you have been gone. It is bittersweet to say the least. I am so very proud of the young man and Marine you became and there isn't a moment that I am taking a breath that I do not miss you and long to see your face and kiss your forehead. I know that isn't going to be possible until I join you in heaven so for now your pictures and memories will have to do. I did try to reach out to all the Veterans I know or have numbers or emails for and thank them for their service. I've had many text messages or emails from people telling me they are thinking about us today. Nothing will ever make any day easier, but knowing people will never forget you sure does help get to the next day without you. It is hard to even believe that in 20 days you will have been gone from this earth for TEN YEARS! It doesn't seem possible that I have been able to survive for ten years without you. It's only been by the grace of God that I have. I miss you and everything about you. I was organizing your closet yesterday and I came across a letter you wrote to me when you were 13 years old. You were apologizing for having an attitude with me and for not keeping up your grades. Yes, I cried, but I also smiled as that is the young man I wanted you to be. You always made me proud and even when you were being a little turd, I was still proud. I think more than anything when you were younger I was always proud of what I knew you would be. You did not disappoint. Some people have asked me in the past if I had any regrets. My only regret is that I did not get more time with you. I regret not getting to see you fulfill your dream of being a police officer or see you become a daddy. Those are the types of things I regret. I will live the rest of my days wishing for those things all the while knowing it will never be. I love you, son. I miss you, son. Those two things will never change regardless of how long the Lord keeps me on this earth. Love, Momma Bear

Nine years & 51 days

It's hard to believe that it has truly been nine years and 51 days since you were on this earth. It's been nine years and 54 days since I had the honor of hearing your voice even if it was only less than 30 seconds. I'm lucky in the fact that the last phone call, as short as it was, was absolutely the best one ever. You were so excited about your Peyton Manning autogrpahed picture that would be waiting on you when you returned home from Afghanistan for your 23rd birthday. All you could say was, that's crazy, that's just crazy. How did you do that mom? That's crazy and then we lost the connection. I remember telling Tebo immediately that I didn't get to tell you that I loved you before the call dropped so next time I was going to say "I love you" first and then we can chat. Sadly, there would never be a next time. People ask me if things get easier or better. My answer is always the same, NO! It never gets easier or better nor would I want it to be easier or better. Do you find a better way of facing this world, yes (sadly), but it never gets easier or better. I know I will always and forever feel the way I feel today until the day the good Lord decides my time on this earth is done. I'm ready any time he is to be done. There are many people in my life, mostly family, will probably crenge when/if they read this, but I didn't not only lose my only child, but I lost my bonus daughter too. I never thought I would be a good mother in law. I figured since Chad was an only child and a son at that, that I would never be able to accept a daughter in law, because I had never had to share him with a girl, ever. However, I have to say, because my son loved her like he did, so did I. I was excited to be her bonus mom and enjoy life with them and watch them grow and have babies one day, but that was not to be. I have been very fortunate that through my husband I have two wonderful bonus daughters and a bonus son and now two more bonus sons. I was honored to get to partcipate in both daughters' weddings and we have on granddaughter (at the moment) and I'm blessed to be able to be an "Ammy" with her and I look forward to one day having more. Nothing will ever change the fact that I will never know what it truly feels like to have my own blood grandchild and watch my son become a father, but I've been fortunate enough to be allowed to be "Ammy" to my niece and her soon to be baby boy, Cohen Wade Taylor (named after Chad). I will cherish every moment of little Cohen Wade's life and yes, I will be spoiling him any chance I get. I mean, that's what Ammy's are for. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I am definitely not the same person I was before Wednesday, December 1, 2010. I never will be that person again. I do strive to be better each day, but I will never be that person again. That part of me died the moment Chad died. It just is what it is for me and this is my new "normal" if that's what we want to call it. Losing a child is not a "group" or "club" anyone wants nor should be a part of. It's not the natural cycle of life. I've said it many times as have others. If you live long enough you will bury your parents and possibly a spouse, but you should not have to out live your child(children). That is not the normal cycle of life, but it apparently is God's plan. I don't pretend to understand why and I have not ever (consciously) asked why. I do wonder how in the world I am able to keep breathing when I feel my heart literally breaks every time I open my eyes and realize I am still here. I am amazed by the fact that my heart can feel like it does and yet I continue to open my eyes and breathe every day. How is that even possible? I guess I will never know the answer to that until I join Chad in heaven. A friend of mine once said, "you don't know how strong you are until that is all you have". That is true. I don't consider myself "strong", but it is definitely an unknown stregnth that keeps me going every day. I used to think it was for daddy, but now daddy is gone too and some how I continue to breathe and wake every morning. That is something I will never truly understand and maybe I am not supposed to understand. Either way, it sucks. Yes, I still have a room set up for him with what few things I have left of his. I don't know if that is healthy or not, but for me it somehow makes me feel like he is still part of our lives and we haven't just up and left him. I know, I know... It sounds crazy and just keeping his room set up and his cereal bowl in the kitchen cabinet and his no scent in the laundry room will not bring him back or make this all just a nightmare, but for me it just feels like the "normal" thing I would do if he were here and makes me feel like a piece of him is still here. Logically, I know this not to be true, but when has the heart ever been real logical? I'm not sure when or if this will ever change for me, but for now this is all I know and the only way I know how to get through each day without him. My life will never be as it was, I just try to make the best of what I do call "normal" now and try to be the best person I can be. I don't know why I'm here and he is not, but it wasn't my plan, it was HIS. Until the day I see you again, son, I will continue to love you and make sure you are never forgotten. Love, Momma Bear

2020 the year of COVID

What a year 2020 has turned out to be. In our lifetime we have never seen an epedemic like this where it impacted the entire world. We have been working from home since first of March (which I've loved) and looks like going back to the office will be slow and staggered and not at all look "normal" prior to March 1st. During this pandemic our daughter got engaged and then married. Our daddy passed away with Alzheimer's and Dementia. My sister completed chemo and radiation and reconstruction surgery for breast cancer. My other sister's husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and started his treatments. Graduations were canceled or minimal attendence. Schools closed down, opened up and some closed back down. We lost one of Chad's buddies to a motorcycle accident and his wife was seriously injured and no one could be with her in the hospital. Many people in hospitals had to be alone from COVID treatments, to child birth, to reconstruction and other surgeries, all alone other than the nurse and doctor staffs. These essential workers have to step in and be "family" for many of these patients on top of doing their jobs. It's been a world like we have never seen before. It's been crazy, different, and scary at the same time. This is also an election year for the President of the United States. I never thought I would be living in a world like this, yet, here we all are just learning to navigate our new "normal". I'm not sure about you, but I for one am a bit tired of having to navigate new "normals". I know for me personally, I've been doing this since December 1, 2010 and I'm ready for things to really be the final new "normal" for a while. All this change and challenges are getting a bit old. One thing positive about this entire situation is I was able to spend the first of March to June 24th with daddy, literally all day every day and I am so grateful for that. I set up my home office in the living room so we were right here together all day. We ate every meal together every day and as a bonus I had my husband with us. I would rather continue to work from home every day, but I know my husband is ready to go back to the office at least part time. Me, not so much. I'm hoping it's much later than sooner for me. Hopefully that will be the case. I guess we shall see. We along with many others had to cancel vacations and still not sure we will be able to travel at Christmas or in April, but we are going to try. Life is definitely different and getting used to wearing masks on our faces any time we are not at home has been quite different and a big challenge (for me). I know things could always be worse, but I certainly don't want to imagine that right now. 2020 has definitely been a year to remember (or can't wait for it to be over and forget about it). May you and all your loved ones stay safe and healthy and only strengthen relationships along the way. God Bless the United States of America.

UGH!

To say I am frustrated would be a complete understatment. It is work. I love what I do, but for the last year after a company wide change in the main system we all work in was switched over to a new system and it has been a nightmare to say the very least. I'm tired and really sick and tired of things not working properly or even worse I am on week 7 where I come in and the system has wiped out the work I had done all week. Over it doesn't come close to even describing how I feel about all of this. I am working my rear-end off and my boss has my back (the only little bit of sunshine in all of this), but come on! Something has got to give or this momma needs to retire and retire soon. I'm just done. I'm so burnt out by the end of every day that I have no ambition to do anything around the house and that is not me. I want to cry most days and knowing that will only give me a cry headache, work is not worth that. Okay, I'm done with my venting for now, but I need to be able to catch a break and soon or I may really lose my ever loving mind.