Just a time and place

You know, no days are great since losing my only child December 1, 2010.  They may never be the same kind of great that I would experience when he was on this earth, however, there are good days and there are great moments in time, but each of those days bring a small twinge of sadness that he isn't here to experience/share those times with us.
Sadly one of those moments occurred over the last few weeks when my other younger sister was diagnosed with breast cancer which we know has spread to at least one lymph node.  It brings a whole other dimension to life and the way we view life as we know/knew it.  For me, I would give anything to take that cancer from her and fight it myself instead of her.  She has a daughter that needs her and she needs and the last thing she should worry about is fighting this disease and the fear of it happening to her daughter. 
We also lost our bonus mom in April and that has caused a ripple affect across many aspects of all our lives and in particular, daddy.  Yes, he has handled it like a champ like we all knew he would, but it's been different.  He has Dementia and Encroaching Alzheimer's and while we don't really know the impact of her passing has actually had on the disease, things do seem different. 
My other younger sister is in the last few years of her teenagers being home, her husband travels far for work every week and is only home on weekends when he can get away from the job which makes life very difficult on all of them and tends to add more confusion or stress (we aren't sure what it might be) to daddy when all he wants to do is help my brother in law not have to work so much, but also knowing he doesn't feel very helpful these days as his little mind doesn't operate as it used to.
With all that going on Tebo and I decided to offer for daddy to move in with us and give Stacy and her family a chance to relish in the last few years of her teenagers being home and give her the flexibility to go be with Paige during this cancer journey since she has personally experienced it first hand. 
August 31, 2019 is the date that we are targeting to bring daddy over full time and start this new chapter for all of us.  Yes, it will be an adjustment not only for daddy, but for Tebo and I as well.  We have been empty nesters multiple times now, but this has been the longest stretch for our empty nest experience so starting over with daddy and this disease could pose a challenge at times, but also a chance to make wonderful memories with him as long as we have him on this earth.  Daddy will turn 78 years old in 7 days and we know with each year that passes means likely less days on this earth.  During that time it is our goal as a total family to ensure that he has the happiest, content, and peaceful time he possibly can. 
Tebo and I are very aware that he may get over here and hate it.  He may not like "volunteering" at the center or he may get terribly bored with not a lot of yard to mow or animals to care for, but he also may thrive in the socializing at the center and he may learn a new passion to fill his days.  He may relish in having a structured routine and just being in the house with us and enjoying knowing what he will be doing each day.  If he hates it after giving it plenty of time for adjustment, then we will regroup and determine what is best for him.  We are not opposed to every pretend that we absolutely know what is best for him.  This is just an option we now have and the timing seems to be good with school starting back and sports ramp up for Stacy and her kids and will hopefully give her more flexibility to see her husband more often knowing she won't have to worry about what to do with daddy each time.  That's my hope and prayer anyway.
Tebo and I know this isn't going to be a cake walk.  We aren't blind to that, but we are on a more routine schedule that daddy likes and we keep the same hours so it's our hope that this works well for him.
We spent this last weekend finalizing his room and got his bed put together so he feels it is his and he isn't just visiting and using someone else's bed.  It's his.  We will bring whatever pictures he wants to hang on his walls and we will do our best to make him feel like our house is also his house. 
There will be bumps in the road I'm sure.  He will have good days and bad days as I'm sure we will also, but our first and most important goal is to care for him like we feel he needs and do the best for him for as long as we can.
Sadly with this disease, small suggestions can become a big obsession with him.  If someone reminds him of something he may be missing, he will struggle.  All we can do is hope and pray that everyone that is in communication with him encourages this new chapter and helps lift him up other than remind him of things that may not be available for him now.  There are things he needs to give up, smoking being the biggest of them all.  Smoking has been proven to be one of the worse things for this disease and we don't allow smoking at our house.  I know it will be a challenge at first and I will do all I can to ease this transition as much as I can, but it will take the family and friends as a whole to make this successful and I just pray this can be achieved. 
I know my family and his friends love him enough to do anything and everything to make him happy regardless where he lives, so my prayer is that is the approach each and everyone of us, including Tebo and I are able to do for daddy. 

When is enough really enough?

Have you ever had multiple series of events that continue to just pile on you with the ones causing these events don't even seem to realize they are doing it?  Well, I've been on the receiving end of such events now for quite some time and I believe I have finally reached the point of it all just being enough. 
When you truly have nothing but the best intentions at heart and even when you have to do the hard things, but still for the right reasons and people just want to assume you are up to something or trying to deceive them, how does one continue to go through and feel these things without just giving up?  Trust me, I am ready to give up, but there are others that depend on me to do the right thing that keep me from giving up right now, but honestly, that may not be enough if things don't improve and improve soon.
There comes a time when a person just gets tired.  I don't mean, I need a nap or go to bed kind of tired, I mean physically, emotionally, and mentally tired that no amount of sleep or rest will correct that feeling.  The only thing that could correct that kind of feeling of tiredness is peace.  I may never get that peace until the Lord reunites me with my son in heaven and that saddens me terribly, but at some point I will have to face the reality that, that truly is the only time I will feel that.
Sadly even more, I'm starting to find myself feeling like that is fine the it will take that to have that kind of peace again and I never wanted to be that kind of person.
So, when is enough really enough?  How much does your heart have to break before you just give up?  For me, it feels very close.  There is a piece of my heart that is there now and I hate that as I have never been that kind of person.  I don't want to be that kind of person, but I can honestly say right now today, I am defeated enough and feel so broken that a piece of me is becoming that person I never wanted to be.  I feel I am getting more and more hard in my heart and for me that is one of the saddest things. 
I work so hard every day just to put my feet on the floor and face every day with the best attitude I possibly can, because it would be very easy for me to not do that and live in my bed and cry for my baby, but I do not do that.  So to fight that kind of fight 24/7  365 and then have all this other STUFF piled on top of that makes it even hard to want to continue doing this.  I am so close to enough being enough for me. 

A Defeated Heart

This may come across as a pity party and maybe in some ways it could be, but it's hard enough living this life with a huge hole in my heart, but to add defeat to that makes it nearly impossible to deal with.  You know how it feels when you truly try to do things to help others and make life easier/better for the people you love just to realize that anything you do (or don't do) will not make them happy. 


There is not nor has it ever been an intent to do anything negative to anyone I love in the actions I take.  The only intent I have and do have is to be proactive and helpful whether it be long term or short term.  Maybe there are just people in this world that cannot or choose to not be happy or just assume ill intent.  That saddens me to no end.


This life, as so many of us know, is short and we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  Why can't people  just love and respect each other rather than immediately think that there is something sinister in people's actions.  Not everyone is out to cheat or do ill towards you.  There is a such thing as asking someone what their intent was versus just assuming bad intent.


Enough said for me today.  I'm just feeling extremely defeated and I know this too shall pass, but what a crappy feeling until it finally does.  I would really like my faith in humanity to be restored and just when I think things are getting better something ridiculous happens to squash that feeling.  Nice way to start another week.

Didn't Make it back home...

If you haven't listened to this song, you should.  Get the tissues ready, because if you have been touched in any way at all in a situation as this it will rip your heart and if you haven't then I hope it gives you some understanding of those that have and may you have more compassion for those continuing to live with this.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRnkeo2y2kY




Courtesy of Justin Moore vis YouTube



When there are no words

There never are "words" to express the sadness and grief that I feel every single day as long as I am breathing.  However, there are days that make even trying to express how those feelings can be overwhelming are difficult to find.  I find myself not finding words for those feelings more often than not, but there are even days like that when those words are even harder to explain than normal.
I would have to say over the last few months this has felt heavier than "normal" and also driven by many different things or events that have taken place.
Probably the biggest thing is this past year (2018) my baby boy would have turned 30 years old.  That's a big deal (well to me anyway).  It's hard enough to imagine him old enough to enlist into the USMC, but to think he would be 30 years old seems unreal.  I guess in "reality" it is unreal as he will forever be 22 years old.  I try to think of him in present time and wonder what he would be doing, where he would be living, etc.  I also think every single day what I would tell him that day.  I have a journal I write a lot of my conversations I would have with him, but some days I just can't bring myself to even write my thoughts down and that makes me feel sad.  To explain, if I try to write some days what I would tell him if he were here on this earth the sadness takes over and I am unable to complete my thoughts.  Those are the days I will either not write at all or just simply say, I love you or I miss you.
Yes, as odd as it may seem to most, I still go to the cemetery at least one day every single week if I am in town.  I don't feel the need to justify that any longer, but for anyone who might wonder why, it's simple.  If he were on this earth and close enough I would make an effort to see him at least once a week.  I would likely still talk to him every day when possible, but I would make an effort regardless how I feel or the weather to try and see him at least once a week.  I feel the least I can do is visit his resting place at least once a week.  That's not a lot of effort to do when I would do that if he were here.  It isn't always convenient and I have to really pick and choose depending on weather and what is going on with work, but I would do that if he were here too so for me it doesn't seem like a bother.  It is just a peaceful place for me at times and makes me feel like I'm still making him a priority. 
I do find that I don't cry constantly (outwardly) every day now.  I have gotten much better at hiding that for the most part.
Another significant thing that happened this past year is I lost my mom and my mother in law within just months of each other.  This made Christmas even more bitter for both Tebo and I as it was both our first Christmas without our moms. 
In addition, one of my dearest friends lost her only child (a son) at 22 years old as well to a tragic accident.  It's been heartbreaking watching her hurt as I have hurt the last 8 years and watching her go through this "FIRST" year of "FIRSTS".  It's so sad and honestly took me right back to December 2, 2010 as though it just happened that day. 
There is no way to explain or even understand which life events will impact me that way.  Sometimes it just feels like it hits out of the clear blue and sometimes I don't even notice it, but Tebo or other loved ones notice first.
Yes, I tend to withdraw when I feel overwhelmed so that is usually a tell tell sign to family and close friends.  Sometimes they will ask or comment and sometimes they don't.  There is no right or wrong way to handle that when you notice it, but I can't always promise I will respond or if I do that it would be appropriate.  I do know I am different and I know I will never have the "old" me back again and that's just going to have to be okay.
Another significant thing that has happened and continues to happen until the end of April is a huge system change at work that is impacting our entire company and starts with my group.  We have to have our data right first before it passes to the other departments.  It is stressful and scary.  I struggle with memory any way and learning things so different and new for me (especially these days) is very difficult and stressful.  There are those out there that get it and understand, but there are others that do not and don't realize that something this major brings so many feelings and emotions to surface that I wasn't necessarily prepared for.
We also lost a granddaughter this year at 6 months during the pregnancy and having to witness our daughter and son in law's hurt has been a whole different level of sadness and helplessness.  Trying to navigate our own feelings and still be sensitive and knowing what to do or say or what not to do or say to them has been a challenge.  I pray we have done an ok job, but I don't know if we have or not.  They may not even know if what we are or are not doing or saying is right.  We are all just navigating the best we can and as we go along.  I guess that's all anyone can do.
I do know one thing, the hole in my heart will never be repaired.  Nothing will ever replace him in my heart and while there will be room made for new loves, there will never be enough to replace or take away the hole that exits and always will. 
To those in my life that try or want to help, you really can't.  All you can do is just be there and love me despite where in my life I may be.  Doesn't mean you aren't helping, you are, it just means I don't know how to tell you what I need or how I feel. 
I pray anyone I come in contact with that I never make them feel badly for anything they do or do not do or say or don't say.  It would never be my intention.   If I go MIA for a period of time, it isn't because I don't want you around or love you, I do, I just need space at that moment.  It happens and my guess is it will continue for as long as the Lord keeps me on this earth.





Tis THE Season

Every year over the past 8 years, the Christmas season is hard.  This year is no exception.  How do you go on each day and want to celebrate when there is a huge hole in your heart?  If you are like me, you run away.  You go somewhere warm and reflect and just be quiet with yourself. 

This year is extra difficult due to the year we have had.  We both lost our moms this year, a granddaughter, and a dear friend’s son.  To call it a hard year would be a great understatement. 

We will be going to San Antonio, Texas this year for our “Christmas Trip”.  Between all the losses we experienced this past year on top of the eight years without Chad we are also going through a huge system change company-wide at work.   It’s been stressful at work as well as in our personal life.  We both need this trip away to find a way to recharge our minds and hearts to even begin to prepare ourselves for what January through May will be at work for both of us.

I struggle daily with facing this world with this huge hole in my heart, but you start adding all the other things that are out of our control and you have a recipe for disaster if you aren’t careful.  I feel like I’ve been trying to be very aware and careful with my heart and emotions, but I can honestly say I have failed far more than I have succeeded and especially this year.

It’s my hope that for not only me, but for Tebo that I’m able to find a way to decompress next week and lose myself in my thoughts and feelings so that maybe, just maybe, I can come back feeling refreshed enough to manage home and work and still finding ways/time to help with our parents.  The struggle is real people and unless you have lived it you may never truly understand what a struggle it really is.  Not only is it a struggle, but it is also very exhausting.  Not physically so much as emotionally.  I’m literally tired body, mind, and soul every day.

I’m more than grateful for the husband God blessed me with, because without him there is no way I can do what I do every day.  I don’t know how he puts up with me and my emotions, but he does and does it with grace.  He seems to know what to say and when to say and even more than that he knows when not to say anything and just wrap his arms around me.  That’s sometimes all I need, because nothing said or done is going to take away the pain. 

I don’t know what the future holds for my heart, but I do know I can always count on him to stand right beside me when I need him.  I hope I can be the same support to him with the hurt he must feel over losing his mom (and really only parent he had), but I’m fearful that I will never measure up to the support and unconditional love he has shown me.

So, if I seem distant, short, absent, or any other way than “normal” to you or anyone else, please know that it isn’t intentional, it’s me trying to find my way back from what was very likely a dark place.  I try very hard not to stay in the dark space, but if I were to be completely honest I do find my way there from time to time.  I don’t allow myself to stay there, but I do find my way there at times.   So please be patient with me as I continue to navigate this sadness and do my best to carry on with the hole in my heart. 

Christmas 2018

Senior Picture

In California

9-18-2009



Christmas in Mexico, Cruise trip

Christmas 2009

2006 after graduation from high school

Before Afghanistan

Mom & Son

Camp Pendleton

TEARS

I’ve heard many times in my life that crying cleanses the soul and sometimes it’s just good to cry.  I believe there might be some truth in that, but sometimes tears mean so much more than just “crying”.

For me personally, some of my tears are heart wrenching feelings that cannot be contained another moment.  They have to fall or I feel I will explode.

Granted, I prefer to have those tearful moments in private.  That doesn’t mean it always only happens in private, but that’s what I prefer. 

I attended a funeral this week and while he was 81 years old and ready for heaven it is still hard to see those close to him breakdown.  Beyond that, it’s amazing to me how the words of a song can bring those same heart wrenching tears to flow.  That’s what happened to me this week. 

Now, if you know me at all, you know I have a soft heart and I can literally cry at commercials and do, often.  However, unless you truly and deeply know me you may not know that many times than not my tears are more of the heart wrenching kind. 

So many everyday things take me right back to losing my son.  I am only 15 days away from the 8^th anniversary of the day my son left this earth.  I won’t lie, it feels like yesterday!  It always feels as raw as that day on 12-1-10.  I don’t believe that will ever change, for me anyway.  That’s fine.  As I’ve said more than once, I never want it to get easy to miss my son.  He was my heart and soul and I miss him with every breath I take and I will until have taken that last breath.

It’s an odd feeling I get every time I hear of the passing of someone/anyone and writing it and someone else reading it may sound very strange and if you have never lost a child you may not be able to understand, but I actually find myself feeling jealous that they will get to see my baby boy before I do.  You don’t have to say it, I know it sounds crazy, but that is exactly how I feel… 

I know one day I will be reunited with him, but honestly, one day isn’t good enough for me.  I want to see his face now. 

If only heaven wasn’t so far away…