Sisters...

I’ve written about sisters before, but my heart is heavy right now and I felt the need to get my feelings out and written down so hopefully I can move forward with whatever that might be. 

If you do not have sisters you will not understand this blog, but if you do, I’m sure you can relate if not already, eventually.

Sisters are complicated.  Let me explain.  They are your first best friend(s), but as best friends go there are always dynamics that impact that relationship.  I love all my sisters and we all each have our own individual “type” of relationship with each other.  There are times when some don’t speak and other times we can’t get enough of each other.

I miss my sisters especially when things seem to be strained or just not as it had been.  If you add other dynamics like “Life” it can feel like it adds additional strain on an already strained relationship.  That’s when I miss my sisters the most.  My love for them hasn’t changed, but the closeness isn’t there (at least for me) and I miss that more than words could possibly explain.

We always find our way back to each other and pick right up where we left off, but until that time comes and things are cleared it can be very hard and honestly extremely lonely. 

Maybe I rely on my relationships with my sisters too much and maybe that’s why it hurts as much as it does and sometimes I don’t know how to correct the situation or how/when to take the first step to improving. 

We all have other hard things going on in our lives and we don’t always see past our hard stuff to see or understand their hard stuff and I’m as guilty as any for that, but it doesn’t make the feeling of distance feel any better quite the opposite.

So, when I say complicated, these relationships are just that at times (again, speaking for myself), but when they are good it’s the most amazing relationship/friendship in the world.

I’m in a very lonely place right now in my relationships with my sisters and not for any one thing or person, just in general.  My problem is, I don’t know how to get out of it and not to have a pity party, but it doesn’t seem I can do or say anything right lately and that makes me knowing what to do next even harder.  I own that and I will have to figure out how to either fix it or learn to live with it.   I certainly hope and pray that there is a fix and not a new normal for the rest of our lives.  That breaks my heart thinking of that as an option. 

RED

October 10, 1996 reshaped our family in a way we never thought would happen nor did we expect it.  Our sweet little "RED" on the head Jessica (aka KiKi) went to be with the Lord after a courageous 5 week fight with brain cancer. 
We talk about courage a lot when it comes to certain professions or heroic efforts, but when I think of courage I think about an 8 year old little girl who always had a smile on her face fight so hard and never complain.  That is courageous and inspiring to me.  She didn't even realize at her sweet young age just how much she impacted those around her and the lasting impact she would continue to have long after she joined Jesus in heaven.
1996 was a very difficult year to say the very least for our family.  In February we lost our sister to a very rare infection.  She was only 17 years old.  Then around August our mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy.  It was during her recovery that Jessica was diagnosed (Labor Day weekend to be exact).  Not only was Jessica a trooper through all of that, but so was mom.  Mom showed not only courage during this time, but also how selfless she was to put herself, her health, and her pain aside to be there not only for Jessica, but for my sister as well. 
Our family would soon learn the hard way that life is far to short and that every day is a blessing.  I'm so grateful that my sister had another daughter that she could just drown herself in and while Jorden would never take the place of Jessica or lessen that pain of losing your child, it did give her purpose to put her feet on the ground and face the world every day.  Oh, that means she had the courage to keep going. 


Speaking from experience, that is the true definition of courage. 


You are always in our hearts Jessi Bo and missed every day, but we know you finally caught that moon and you get to see the bald headed trees from Heaven's view every Fall.

Just a few of some of my favorite pictures/memories of this sweet little RED!



Heartache in many forms

There are so many different heartaches and they are different for everyone.  I have to admit that with all the heartaches I've experienced myself none have been worse nor will any other compare to the loss of my child, but that doesn't minimize others' heartaches.
I have a sweet friend that is going through a heartache of her own within her marriage and they may or may not make it, but it certainly is a painful process until a decision is made and my heart aches for her.  To add to the heartache she is losing her grandfather.  He is in hospice now and while he has lived a wonder 93 years it is never easy to let go even when you know it's best for them.
Today regardless what your heartache is try to find someone who you trust and lean on them.  You might not even need to say a word, just sit and listen and be still. 
I'm reminded that I'm not the only person hurting and living with my own heartache.  We all have a form of that and it is very real for each of us.
We are living with aging and declining parents and that in itself is a heartache.  Our children may be facing struggles or going through a journey that we know will make them better in the long run, but it is a heartache to watch them go through it.
I have another very close friend that is going through her own heartache with watching her husband suffer from terrible burns and the healing process.  Knowing there is very little to nothing we can do to help those we love who are hurting it very much a heartache.
Whatever your heartache is try to still find empathy for those around you as you may not be aware of their heartache and you may have to put yours on the back burner to do so, but you can do it. You never know how it may bless you and soften your heartache even for a brief moment.


My thoughts and prayers are with all those heartaches out there and hoping you find that person that can be your source of strength and comfort. 

A Mother's Broken Heart

One of my dearest friends lost her son (only child) Friday night.  I never wanted anyone to have to walk this journey ever again and now, sadly, someone I love so much is having to navigate through this heartbreak.


I was told once that you never know how strong you are until that is all you have.  It's true.  I know she is far stronger than she thinks, but there won't be a moment that she is breathing that she won't hurt over the loss of her precious baby boy.


It will never get easier, but like myself and others that have had to walk this journey, she will find a way to cope.


Please don't tell her that it will get better or easier.  That is a lie!  Don't tell her you know how she feels unless you have had to lay your child to rest.  You cannot know how she feels as there is no other feeling than the loss of your child. 


If you tell her you will be there for her whenever she needs you, then please be there.  If you cannot, then please do not tell her you will. 


There is no right or wrong way to grieve and especially grieving the loss of your child.  There will be no words for her to express what and how she is feeling. 


The best thing anyone can do is just be there and listen.  Don't avoid her and don't be afraid to bring up her son's name.  He is and always will be a huge part of her life and regardless of how much time passes after he has left this earth she will want to hear his name and talk about him. 


Love on your children every chance you get regardless their age, because we are not guaranteed tomorrow with them.


From one brokenhearted mom to another. 

Thirty?

It's so hard for me to believe you would have been thirty years old this year.  I know I still have almost a full month for that date, but it's been on my mind since January.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wonder what you would be doing now.  Would you have any babies?  Would you be the police officer you always wanted to be?  Would you live close enough for me to see you any time I wanted to or you needed me?  All those and many more questions run through my mind only when I'm breathing.


It's still very difficult for me to fathom the fact that you are not here.  I swear there are days I feel like I have to force myself to know how to take the first step of the day or face this world.  It seems like every day is a true effort.


Yes, I still feel very guilty when I laugh or am enjoying a moment.  I still find myself wanting to tell you something going on and to let you know how BoBo is doing or Peanut, Scooter, and Jorden are doing.  I want so badly to tell you any time one of your buddies gets married or has a baby so you can be excited right along with me.  Just getting a call to let me know how your day has been going feels so sad and that hasn't changed.


I'm doing better if the door bell rings, but I still hate it.  I pause every time I open the kitchen cabinet with your baseball helmet cereal bowl is sitting there or when I walk into your room and just see little things that I know you love so much.  That's also my quiet place at home when I feel I need to just sit in the quiet.  I know it sounds odd, but that is what it is for me right now.


I still struggle knowing it has been almost 7 1/2 years since you left this earth.  There are days it feels like yesterday and then there are days that it feels like forever since I've seen or talked to you.  It breaks my heart both way and every time I think about it.  I will never get over that feeling of utter sadness missing you.


I love you son more than words could ever express and I always will.  I will also always miss you and long for you to be with me again.  I feel this way especially the days I am not sure I can put one foot in front of the other. 


Love.,


Your momma bear



The Happy Chad

It's not uncommon for random things to come up and take my breath away for a moment.  It could be a song or something someone says or even something I say that he used to say for me to be taken back from time to time.  Sometimes my response is laughter and others it could be a torrential down pouring of tears.


Well, our Sushi place is apparently no exception to this experience.  We were there a couple of Fridays ago and we were at our normal spot and enjoying dinner with our Sushi chef, Mandy.  She created a new roll called "The Happy Chad"!  What are the odds?  As soon as we heard the name I immediately broke down and cried.  I have no idea why, it was absolutely something that came over me and I could not shake it.  I cried all the way home and then cried myself to sleep that night. 
Tebo mentioned that he felt I may have a degree of depression.  I don't feel depressed.  I feel sadness, but I do not feel depressed.  Maybe I don't know depression or I expect it to feel a different way.  Either way it hit me like a tidal wave.


Maybe one day in the future those situations won't take me to that point, but for now that seems to be the norm.


I can see a young man in a military uniform and I am compelled to speak to him and have to fight the urge to hug him every time.  It's just something that takes me right back.


I was referring to Chad and Nanaw this morning on the phone with daddy and we were laughing because we were all the in car together and Nanaw climbed into the truck with us and Chad commented on how easy she got in and she immediately came back with, "well it's because I'm so agile".  Chad loved that response and it stuck with him for many years after that.  He would use that many times after that when he was talking to her.  It's those little memories that pop up out of no where that will sometimes just take my breath away and other times I just laugh and enjoy the memory.


Our hearts and minds are so complex.  I wish I could just stick with one emotion at times, but is apparent that I am incapable of doing that. 


I sure miss that young man of mine and some days it's more than I can take, but turns out I don't have a choice and I will continue to remember all the little things along with the big ones and laugh when I can and cry when I can't control it. 

Organized Life

I had a friend ask me how I stay organized and things always seem clean and put together at our house.  I just explained that I cannot function in chaos and clutter and I can only relax when things are clean and are in order.  She then asked how she could get her life more organized where she could find time to clean her own house.  First she mentioned it would be impossible because she has kids.  I explained that it could be done, it will just take structure and getting used to keeping a routine for things.
So I thought it might be helpful for others to know how I do things and maybe they could take part or all of what I do and apply it to their lives if they are in search of how to get more organized and have less clutter.
It's true, I don't have kids living at home (well, just a 27 year old for now, but that will change soon) so I'm not spending my time cleaning up after children, but I still have my fair share of cleaning and organizing to do on a regular basis.  I did have my son as a single mom for 18 years and managed to always have a clean house and stay organized so it can be done.
First, if you are just starting on this journey of becoming more organized I would suggest making a list.  You might initially need some help to get things in your home organized and cleaned, but once you have the initial cleaning, purging, and organizing done the maintaining part will be a breeze (if you keep it up).
Start with a huge clean up through out your home.  Every room should be cleaned and everything needs to have a home.  If you cannot find a home for something evaluate whether you really need it and if you do, you may find something you have put away that you don't need and you could replace this item in that place and get rid of the one you don't really need.  I'm guilty of holding on to things far too long at times thinking I may need it one day.  I've since changed my thinking and if I haven't used or worn it in a year, it's time to purge it. 
Once the house is clean start in closets.  Something I have found that has made me feel like things are more organized is using all the same hangers in the closet.  I love it!  I would begin with purging clothes you haven't worn in a while and thin out your inventory.  Once you have done that organize your clothes that works for you.  What works best for me is color organizing.  I start with white and go to black.  I keep my pants the same order and dresses as well.  Then organize your shoes.  I have a new process for this now.  I used to keep all my shoes in the original shoe box, but my husband came home one day with clear plastic shoe boxes and while I was apprehensive at first, it has turned out to be the best thing!  I think organize my shoes by style and color.  It just looks so much better to me.
Once you have done your closet, make a list to do all closets in the house.  You will be amazed at how just that makes you feel more organized and will likely help you purge things you really do not need.  The next thing on your list should be cabinets and I would start in the kitchen area.  That seems to be where things get out of control the fastest in our house anyway. 
The key to this process is making a list and making your way through that list regardless what order you choose to go in.
Once these tasks have been completed you are more than halfway through.  The biggest key to keeping this organization and cleanliness is to maintain it everyday.  You may be thinking, there is no way I can do this everyday.  That's the beauty of this, you don't have to do everything mentioned above everyday.  If you maintain the day to day stuff the rest will remain until you get the itch to purge again.
Set a schedule for things like laundry, yard work/flower beds, etc.  Here is what a typical day for me looks like (again, no younger kids at home so things may look differently for those that do have kids at home).  Each morning as soon as I get up I make the bed.  Get ready for work and before leaving the house I gather any glass that was left from the night before and put them in the dishwasher.  I pick up any clothes that may have been left out from the night before and put them where they need to go and I ensure that all my bathroom items used to get ready are put away so all counter tops are clear of clutter and things are put away.  I go to work and once I return home at the end of the day and if we cook at home as soon as we finish eating I clean up the kitchen and make sure no dishes or pots are left out.  Each Sunday I do laundry.  Once they are completed in the washer I immediately put them in the dryer.  As soon as they dryer quits I immediately fold and put all clothes away.  If this is done as they are complete you will find that you don't get as behind and things are still clean and organized.  Saturdays are typically reserved for yard work/flower beds, errands, etc.  Depending on weather these days may swap or if I am out of town for any reason I will make adjustments, but for the most part I continue this process each day. 
Again, the key is maintaining day to day so that you do not get behind and make a list.  Once everything on your list is checked off you will love that feeling of accomplishment and then you can relax and enjoy it.
If you do have kids at home that are old enough to help, give them a list and teach them how to check their list off and they will hopefully grow up to be organized adults.  They will learn from you and take your lead so you have a chance to really enforce those habits early on.  You will not regret it.
Happy Organizing!