When it's been that kind of week(s)

You might say I've had that kind of last couple of weeks. First it feels I can do nothing right for anyone (yes, this will sound likt a pity party). You add on top of that, we are fast approaching the 20th anniversary of September 11th, we had the Afghanistan withdraw debacle and to add insult to injury with the tragic deaths of 13 American Service members, 10 of those being US Marines from 2/1 also, from Camp Pendelton. Then, all in a weeks' time I had a "friend" try to make me feel stupid (again) by proving me wrong. This went a whole different level by dragging a conversation of mistaken identity into the next day with a picture just to prove I had the wrong person and to prove I was wrong via text after she had lied about why she was late to a dinner she requested. Really, who needs enemies, right? Then, top all this off with someone so dear speak to you harshly for no reason and that pretty much sums up my last two weeks. To say my heart is heavy and feels broken would truly not do my heart justice at the moment. Yes, I live with a shattered heart every day regardless, but most days (not all) I can manage to navigate my days with said shattered heart, but when you add all these added broken moments on top of an already shattered heart, well, let's just say... It makes it really hard to not want to just sink into the bed and not want to get up. There are truly days when I feel like there is no way I have anymore tears left to shed, but yet, there are more that continue to fall (somehow). Fortunately, for me, I have a sister I can vent, cry and talk to so I can get it out of my system. I guess if I didn't have that I would just explode from the inside out.

Sorrow

Sorrow comes in so many forms and is so different for everyone. I used to think sorrow was just saddness for those that lost a person, but over the years I've learned that is not the case. I'm learning even now that sorrow can be even knowing that you are going to lose someone you love, but you may not know when. I have a sister that is watching her husband fight cancer and while he has already beat the odds after being told he might have months and has almost hit the one year mark, he is starting to have moments of decline. She is struggling and feeling scared and very sad and angry. I can tell she is having a very difficult time processing how she feels and not knowing exactly how to express these feelings that I'm sure she herself doesn't even understand. I'm not sure how to even truly empathize with her as I don't know what it's like to lose a spouse. I only have experience, sadly, in losing a child. I know I don't want to lose my husband, but to watch him suffer like she is watching her's suffer would just be tragic I would imagine. I am sure there is anger on top of that sorrow and I can only imagine how difficult that must be to process and even put into perspective. On top of trying to wrap your head around all of this, you still have to care for him and make sure you keep yourself healthy and pulled together. Also, she is still working full time so add that on top of all this can only add more stress I'm sure. However, I would think, in some way, going to work must give her some type of reprieve from the gloom and sickness that likely fills the air at home. Just watching him either sleep or move around the house like an ailing man would be very difficult day in and day out. I would like to say there is hope that he will beat this disease, but he is in his 70's and is smoking again and now has started drinking again (which, honestly, I can't blame him at this point) so there is a better chance that he has far less life to live now. He has beat the odds for sure and proven the doctors wrong from his first diagnosis. He is a stubborn man for sure and I guess that has worked in his benefit in this case, and for my sister, I'm glad for that. However, even the most stubborn man cannot fight something as bad as this cancer and now that it appears that he has new tumors, although they are small, and he is getting blood clots and things are declining at times, I believe he has less time than we might think. I hate that, but I do believe it's coming sooner than we might think. I do pray my sister is stronger than she believes she is. I do believe our family will rally around her and be her strength when she needs it the most. I know her son will be there for her and hopefully can talk her into moving to Dallas to be closer to him, but until that time comes we will continue to reach out to her and show her support as much as we can from a distance. Cancer is such a hateful disease and it does not discriminate.

Frustration and Sadness

When frustration and sadness are the only ways to decribe how you feel about a certain situation that you really don't have control over. It's really a stupid situation to have these feelings over given everything else in this world and the fact that I certainly have bigger things to feel that way over, but right now this is foremost on my mind. See, I've been working from home, very successfully, since March of 2020 due to COVID. Then I had a fall in January and gave myself quite the concussion as well as a broken tailbone and due to the recovery of the concussion the nuerologist wrote me out of work until he could follow up with me today. Today he said he wasn't 100% comfortable putting me back in the office full time, but if I felt like I had to return maybe I could start back with one day a week, but he didn't specifically write that down. Instead he suggested I meet with my primary care doctor with whom I see on Wednesday this week and let him weigh in. That's what I will do. On a different note, while I was there I told him that this might not be his line of expertise, but I had a knot in my vein that was sore and a couple of weeks ago was swollen and hurt to bend my arm. He took a look and thought it was a blood clot. I said, should I be concerned. He never really answered that question. He just said, yeah, I think that's what it is. I thought, okay, I guess I will just check with my primary doctor to be safe. I am very conflicted with returning to the office on two levels. One, I truly enjoy the peace of working from home and the productivity. I'm very disappointed in the pressure I feel I am getting to return to the office, but I might as well just get over it, because it is obviously not going to change. The second is, right now I am catching anything and everything that gets with what feels like a 100 mile ratos of me. Mask or no mask, my fear is once I return to the office I will start getting sick and will stay sick every time someone comes in with some type of symptom with no regard of those around us and I will be the one that pays that price. I'm just whining and complaining right now. There are people that have it far worse than I do, but I'm so sad that I feel so much pressure and no support at home to just continue to work from home. I've looked for other jobs that would allow me to work from home, but they all require a degree. It just makes me so sad, because that's not going to happen at my age. I had hoped after tons of conversations that I was working towards the goal of retiring soon once Tia and Drew have babies, but honestly the conversations have actually been turning more towards Tebo talking about him retiring versus me retiring and that hurts my heart too. I would love for him to be able to retire, but he had my expectations up that I was going to be able to do that and now he keeps talking like that isn't even the cards. I guess I am both confused and disappointed at the same time. I am both mentally and emotionally tired from all of it. Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful that I have had more than 18 months of being able to work from home. However, I'm terribly dreading the day I have to return. Especially if I have to wear a mask all day at my desk when I can do the same job at home as I will have to do from my desk. It's just ridiculous. Okay, rant over for now, but no promises this won't happen again in the coming days. Ugh!

Mixed feelings

WOW! It's been twenty years since we invaded Afghanistan in our fight against the Taliban and I'm not sure how I feel about the current situation right now with them taking over nearly every providence in Afghanistan now. I feel so much for the women and children over there and then at the same time I am reminded of the Afghan solders (not all, but many) that turned their backs on the American military there training, teaching and working with them and them killing our young men and women. Many of those Afghan soldiers were supported by some of these women (again, not all, but some). You can see where I am conflicted. We lost so many young men and women and you, my son, being one of them. They didn't want us there to start with and now they they (obviously not the Taliban) are begging us to rescue them or bring them here. I personally believe with the way they are jumping the fences at the airport in Kabul and jumping on the planes with no security that we are setting ourselves up for potential terrorist attacks again in the United States and after the longest war in history so far, I'm afraid we are heading there again. I'm sorry there are innocent people stuck in that life, I truly am, but that country has always been at war and in my humble opinion, they always will be. Why should we continue to sacrifice our young men and women and spend our country's money when the moment we begin to withdraw the Taliban begin to take over again and total and utter chaos takes over. So was this last twenty years in vain? I pray not. I pray my son did not lose his life in vain. I pray that all the other young men and women did not lose their lives in vain. It's hard enough every day to wake up knowing I have to face this world without my precious son and only child on this earth, but to think it was for no good reason just adds salt to a forever open wound. It's hard enough without watching all this play out all over the news and thinking about this fact that it truly could have been for nothing. My heart feels like it breaks all over again for a completely different reason. It's truly hard to comprehend. I don't pretend to completely understand what all goes into the decisions or considerations that go into making decisions to withdraw troops from a hostile enviornment like Afghanistand especially at the end of the longest and deadliest war in history. I do, however, have to believe I would have taken into account that in the summer the Taliban is active and in the winter the retreat. Why wouldn't we wait just a few more months and wait until the weather got colder and let them retreat so that maybe things wouldn't be so volatile? I'm not saying they wouldn't have still attempted to take over, but maybe, just maybe things wouldn't be this heightened. I just think there could have been a better way to have handled things than the way this went down. I mean, we are supposed to have highly intellegent people in high places in our government, right? Well, there ya go. I pray all our American representatives and military over there get home safely and soon and if that country insists on fighting forever, then let them fight, but stop sending our men and women over there to fight an endless fight and losing the lives of our men and women for what feels like for no good reason. It hurts all over again.

One Hundred Twenty Six Days

I cannot believe it is only 126 days until it will be eleven years since you left this earth. There are days it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like forever ago. I will tell you the pain is exactly the same with the exception of some days it feels the pain is deeper and harder. It truly feels like the pain and sadness does come in waves and there are times I do feel as though I may drown. I haven't drown yet, obviously, but it doesn't mean I don't feel that way at times. The struggle is still very real every single day. I had someone just this week tell me that she knew it got easier over the years, but some years were still harder than others. I agree some years are harder than others, but I completely disagree that it gets easier, it does NOT get easier. At least not for me it hasn't gotten easier. I don't expect it will ever get easier for me and I'm not trying to be a negative Nelley here, I'm just being real. I also wouldn't want it to be easy not having you here. I still struggle every morning wanting to get up and put my feet on the floor and face the day, but I do it. I go through the motions of life every day, but I don't like it. I guess no one ever said I had to like it, but they did say I had to do it. The only saving grace, for now, is that I'm still allowed to work from home. I'm so grateful for that. I dread, daily, the day I have to return to the office. I guess I will just have to face that fact when/if that happens, but until then I will continue to enjoy my time at home in my solitary time. Chad, I have to tell you that I never thought I could live even one minute without you here on this earth, but I definitely never thought I could live almost 11 years without you here. I don't know how or why I am, but there must be a reason for it. I sure wish I knew why. Right now it makes no sense to me. I don't know what good I am serving being here to be quite honest. Especially since BoBo is no longer here, but apparently the Lord has a reason for it. I just wish he would give me a little clue. I'm just tired all the time and I know a big part of that is just the missing of you and longing to see you, hug you, smell you, and just see that crooked little grin. I need that so badly that it's hard to truly express it in words. I just feel all that in my heart so much that it actually hurts my heart physically. I will stop here or I will not get a bit of work done today. Just know that I love you and miss you beyond what words could ever truly express. I pray you are dancing up there and you and Jessica and BoBo and Granny are having a great time. I also hope that you and Billy are having fun (and not getting into any trouble) LOL Wait for me by the gates when you know I'm on my way and tell me everything I've missed since you've been there and give grandmother a hug for me. I love you son. Love, momma bear.

When words aren't there

There are days when there are no words to explain what I'm feeling on the inside. I'm having those days this week. It started yesterday after going to the cemetery. I don't know why and I can't tell you what triggered it. I just know while I was there I got a knot in my stomach and I thought for a moment I would throw up. I didn't, but I had to fight that feeling off for a couple of hours after. I got home and settled back in to work and had to really work hard to stay focused through the flood of tears that ran down my face. I don't know what causes this to trigger at times with no warning. It just happens some times. At 5:00 I logged off work and took the book I was reading and sat on the patio while I waited for Tebo to get home from work and just read with very low music playing and my water sitting there and tried to pull myself together so he didn't noticed I had cried all afternoon. It must have worked because he never asked or mentioned anything. The kids were in our area at dinner time and wanted to meet up to eat so we did. That was a nice distraction until Tebo casually mentioned that I needed to go back to the office. Well, number one I'm not released to return to the office yet from the neurologist from my fall, but regardless, I'm not sure why this is such an issue for him. I'm not hurting anyone by working from home and I am working. I'm getting all my work done plus house work done. I'm giving them far more hours working from home than I would going to the office, so again, I'm not sure what the issue is here, but whatever! I'm sick of hearing it. This isn't the first time he has made this comment so when I go to my follow up appointment with the neurologist in August I will just let him release me to return to the office. I'm hurt that he continues to bring this up and I am sick of feeling guilty for working from home when he says things like that so I will just go back. I will pick and choose the days that I will ride with him or drive and I will work from home on Friday like he does. It will be time to put that "office mask" back on again and play that "everything is okay" game again. God! I'm dreading that day coming again. I've so enjoyed being able to just do my work and not have to wear that freaking mask all day long that everything is okay, but whatever! I will just do what I need to do, but trust me, it will not be welcomed in my heart and I am sure a big part of me will shut down. I will be more exhausted emotionally like I was before COVID, but what do you do. When you feel pressured to go back and the person that is supposed to be the closest to you doesn't get that it's this hard for you to face this again doesn't get it what do you do. You just do what the hell you have to and just deal with it. So that's what I will do when that dreadful day comes, and it will come far sooner than I had hoped.

Painter

If you have lived very long at all you know the expression, painting a pretty picture. Well, in life we all do that at some point in our lives. We "paint a picture" for the world to see, or our friends/family to see vs. the truth or the "real" us. You know the "painted picture", the woman going through cancer and she shows up with this bright smile on her face, but underneath she is in pain and feels very self-conscious, because she is bald and likely has had a mastectomy and feels like less of a woman. Although, we all know she is more of a woman, because we see how strong she is and that makes her even more beautiful than any hair on her head or boobs on her body could make her, but she isn't feeling that way, but she isn't showing that to the room. What about the young woman who has desired to be a mother for so long and finally finds herself pregnant and enjoying all there is about being pregnant and even has announced it to the world and named her precious new baby just to go into labor early or to unknowingly lost her baby and is left devastated, but has to go on regardless like everything is okay. It's not okay for her, so she "paints" her picture. Imagine the woman that devoted her life to a man that she adores and thought she would spend the rest of her life with and discovers one day that things don't seem quite the same, but then gets in her own head thinking she is going crazy and not to mention he doesn't help by making her feel like she is just paranoid only to discover she was right all along, he was cheating. Suddenly she finds herself "painting" her own picture of being okay when she walks into church on Sunday or work on Monday when in truth she has no clue how she is going to function now without her soul mate. This might seem trivial to us, but not to this young person. What about the teenager who just got her period and she is the first one in her group of friends to achieve this horrific milestone in a young woman's life, but she can't let the others in gym class know so she walks in from the locker room with her head held high and completes gym class as though nothing is wrong. During the entire class she just really wants to hide under a rock, but this might likely be the first time she has to show her real strength in life, but we all know it won't be her last. She just had her first piece of art work that she painted, but she likely didn't realize it yet. How about that sister that has a difficult sibling that regardless how hard she tries, nothing is ever right enough. This happens to be a sister that really does try hard to do the right thing all the time (although she knows she fails a lot of the time) and yet no matter how hard she tries there is always something that doesn't please another sibling or a reason this other sibling isn't happy. Suddenly there is this huge wedge that is between them, but this one sister knows that it is her job to make sure that her "duties" are fulfilled and done with dignity and class, because it's the right thing to do. So, the painting continues. The problem is, this sister is becoming a bit too good or maybe familiar is the better word for her "painting" abilities. See, this sister has been perfecting her painting abilities for a very long time. You could probably go as far as to say most of her life. See, this particular sister has spent her life (as long as she can remember) making sure she didn't purposely upset anyone and making sure everyone got along best she could. Peace keeper would probably be a good way to describe her. She never wanted to upset the apple cart I guess you could say. Always wanting to keep the family together and keeping the peace between everyone and making sure no one was ever disappointed. Exhausting, huh? You could say that. It's not that it is really exhausting, really. The biggest thing it is, really, is disappointing when after so many years and fighting back her own, we will call them demons for now, is that there is still no improvement being seen. It's sad really. See, that sister mentioned above is me. I've worked very hard for (okay, I don't admit to this number very often) 54 years now (at least since I was a teenager) to keep the peace and try to make everyone happy. Regardless how hard I try it just seems that there are some of our siblings that just cannot be happy no matter how hard any of us try. I'm not the only one trying, trust me. I've probably just been the one trying the longest, which makes sense since I'm the oldest. See, the "demons" as I refer to, is my own sadness. I know "demons" is probably not the best description of sadness, but it's the best way to describe how sadness makes me feel at times. See, I lost my only child in December 2010 and since that day I have had the saddest heart. The only person who could even begin to understand what a sad heart like that could feel like is another parent that has lost a child. Don't try to compare this kind of sadness to the loss of a parent (I've lost both my parents, it's not the same). I've not lost a spouse, but I can assure you, it's not the same. This struggle is real. It's as real as the ones above, but there is no real healing from this. All there is from this is the learning of how to cope better or at least becoming a better painter. There are days I do a better job of painting than others. It's been a blessing that I've been able to work from home since March 1st of 2021 thanks to COVID, but I know the day will come that I won't have the luxury and for that I am sad. At least when I'm working from home, I don't go through as much "paint". If I have a "moment" I can just take that time and gather myself and move along. Once I'm back in the office that won't be the case without multiple people taking notice. If you have not walked in these shoes (and I pray you never do), then you will have a hard time understanding this, but when you have these "moments" the last thing you want is someone asking you if you are okay. No! I'm not okay and no, there is nothing you can do. I appreciate you asking (no I really don't appreciate it, but what else should I say?), but if there were something you could do, I would have you do that on December 1, 2010. Sometimes it doesn't take an anniversary or birthday or holiday to trigger emotions. Some days it can be a song that comes on the radio, or a commercial on TV, or a video I happen to see or the mere fact that I over hear someone complain about their kids and I think yeah, one day you will be glad you have them to complain about and I will suddenly burst into tears. So painting takes lots of practice, at least for me. Even after 10 1/2 years I'm still trying to get it right. You might wonder where in the world am I going with all this. Maybe it feels like I'm rambling, and maybe I am. What I would like to say is this. Be careful to judge someone that might seem to be in a bad mood or may not seem to be paying attention like you think they should be. They could be going through something and just "painting" a picture that things are okay when they are far from it. I'm sure I meet people at times that don't know me that would have no clue what I'm going through. That's the point of "painting", right? Making sure no one knows your truth or pain, whatever it might be? So my challenge to you would be the next time you perceive someone as being rude or in a bad mood or just not paying attention the way you think they should be, stop and think for a moment that maybe, just maybe they are going through something and maybe their "painting" just isn't as complete as it should or needs to be just yet. Show some kindness and patience with them. You just never know how much showing a bit of kindness might mean to that person at that very moment. As for me, I can tell you, that just showing you care or even just give a damn that I'm still alive on this Earth when you have no clue how difficult that is most days, how much that would mean to me. So to that sibling that can't see past her own bubble or that friend that is so wrapped up in herself or that total stranger that wants to get pissed off because I forgot that I was supposed to turn right and had to make a quick turn last minute, maybe pause and think for just a moment that I might be struggling a little bit for a moment, but if you will show a little compassion, I will get my "painting" completed better for the next day (hopefully) and things will go a little better for YOU next time our paths cross. Please and thank you.