Thursday, August 6, 2020
Ten Digits
I've stolen this title from Cole Swindell's song "Dad's Old Number". This is more and more true not only for daddy, but for Chad. I find myself wanting to call both of them quite often. Daddy just passed away 6/24/20 and I still find myself needing to check on him and look for him when I can't hear him. I've attempted to call him multiple times a day and last night without checking Tebo pulled out 3 plates for dinner (fixing to make a plate for daddy).
As for Chad, there is never a moment I am breathing that I don't think of the fact that I will never be able to hear your voice, talk to you,watch you develop as a man and one day a father. I can't tell you how many times I try calling our or how many text messages I send you even though you will never get them.
Today my heart feels very fragile. Work is beyond stressful right now and I'm getting burned out quickly. Of course add missing BoBo on top of all that has felt like a lot.
Trust me, if I could just stay in bed and do nothing for a while I would, but sadly working full time in a high stress work world these days that's not an option for me. We are paying for a 2 week trip to Italy in April 2021 (as long as COVID doesn't rear it's ugly self again). It is definitely overdo for a vacation. We wanted to take a long weekend away in August but with COVID and we are coming from AR you can't book hotels. It's just be a crappy year that's for sure.
I want so badly to pick up the phone and call you, but I have to remember those 10 digits are no longer yours and that breaks my heart if it is even possible for it to be more broken. I've been weepy the last 3 days and while I'm sure work is a big part, YOU are the biggest reason. I miss you son in a way I never knew a person was capable of missing someone so much. However, it's like I miss you more every day. Love you son.
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Individualized Grief
Grief is a "funny" thing. Everyone processes grief in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I personally have been dealt my fair share of grief as well as some of my other family members. First big loss after my granddaddy was my niece that I loved as my own. I thought I could never feel that kind of pain again. I was wrong on such a huge level. Then we lost a sister, then we lost momma Stell and grandmother. Then it felt we were given a little reprieve and we lost our mother and 3 months later Tebo and I lost his mom (1 year prior we lost Tebo's brother), 1 year later we lost our bonus mom. 1 year and 2 months later we lost our daddy. It's been a lot to accept and handle. In the midst of this time period we also lost one cousin to suicide and another to cancer. I've had 2 sisters battle (& still battling) breast cancer, I lost my Bestie to cancer as well as a couple cousins fought breast cancer.
I've learned a few things along the way through all these losses. People grieve in far different ways. For myself, I internalize most if not all my feelings and tend to let mine go in my sleep (my poor husband). Some people find comfort in talking to family, friends, or a professional. Others lash out while others withdraw and shut people out (including family).
Again, there is no right or wrong way. The only thing we need to remember is that we cannot stay in that dark place. That is no good for anyone.
Burying a child, like my sister and I have had to do, is not the normal life cycle. Having to bury a parent or grandparent you expect at some point in our lifetime. Are we ever ready, hell no! However, that is the normal cycle of life. We have to find a new way to have a new "normal" again. That might come in months it may take a year, but if that grief of losing a parents stays so deep that you cannot function or have relationships much after a year there may be a problem much deeper and you likely need to seek help for that. This is my personal opinion obviously as I am certainly not a professional. I just know that as we get older and our parents get older we should expect to out live our parents. That's the normal path we should be taking. Out living our children is not.
I love my parents and I miss them terribly. I especially have a hole where daddy is concerned as we were very close and he was living with me for 9 months and passed away in my home. That's hard to face each day, but I also know that I took very good care of him for those 9 months and gave him every chance in the world to stay on this earth as long as possible. His poor little mind was just overtaken by Dementia and Alzheimer's. I find peace in the fact that he is his old self again now and can mow grass if he wants, fish or just have a normal conversation with his loved ones that went before him. There is a lot of peace and grace in knowing that. I also know that I will see him again one day as his old self and that makes my heart happy.
Is there a hole in our hearts because we have no parents left, you bet it is. It is a very lost and odd feeling to know you have no parents. Instead of thinking of it like that I have come to a personal decision to focus on who I do have here now and love them and spend time with them any chance I get. I am going to try and live my life to the best of my ability and care for those in my life to the best of my ability. Nothing will ever replace the missing pieces I feel for each of these losses, most importantly, my son. However, I can't stop my life because I am sad or feel lost. I want/need to be strong for my sisters and any other family member that might be struggling. I can't do that if I am stuck in my own grief.
How ever your grief process is, embrace it. Own it and understand that it is okay to be sad and feel lost for a bit, but you have to be able to pick yourself up (with the help of those that love you) and find a way to live your best life.
For me, the best I hope for is to get back to close to where I was before losing momma, daddy, my mother in law and bonus mom, because I haven't been the same since the loss of my son. If I just get back to where I was after Chad then I will feel like I have made progress. That's my goal. I'm going to get back to where I was after Chad and go from there. It's my hope and prayer that all my siblings are able to do the same as well as daddy's siblings and rest of our family and friends that feel his loss.
I've learned a few things along the way through all these losses. People grieve in far different ways. For myself, I internalize most if not all my feelings and tend to let mine go in my sleep (my poor husband). Some people find comfort in talking to family, friends, or a professional. Others lash out while others withdraw and shut people out (including family).
Again, there is no right or wrong way. The only thing we need to remember is that we cannot stay in that dark place. That is no good for anyone.
Burying a child, like my sister and I have had to do, is not the normal life cycle. Having to bury a parent or grandparent you expect at some point in our lifetime. Are we ever ready, hell no! However, that is the normal cycle of life. We have to find a new way to have a new "normal" again. That might come in months it may take a year, but if that grief of losing a parents stays so deep that you cannot function or have relationships much after a year there may be a problem much deeper and you likely need to seek help for that. This is my personal opinion obviously as I am certainly not a professional. I just know that as we get older and our parents get older we should expect to out live our parents. That's the normal path we should be taking. Out living our children is not.
I love my parents and I miss them terribly. I especially have a hole where daddy is concerned as we were very close and he was living with me for 9 months and passed away in my home. That's hard to face each day, but I also know that I took very good care of him for those 9 months and gave him every chance in the world to stay on this earth as long as possible. His poor little mind was just overtaken by Dementia and Alzheimer's. I find peace in the fact that he is his old self again now and can mow grass if he wants, fish or just have a normal conversation with his loved ones that went before him. There is a lot of peace and grace in knowing that. I also know that I will see him again one day as his old self and that makes my heart happy.
Is there a hole in our hearts because we have no parents left, you bet it is. It is a very lost and odd feeling to know you have no parents. Instead of thinking of it like that I have come to a personal decision to focus on who I do have here now and love them and spend time with them any chance I get. I am going to try and live my life to the best of my ability and care for those in my life to the best of my ability. Nothing will ever replace the missing pieces I feel for each of these losses, most importantly, my son. However, I can't stop my life because I am sad or feel lost. I want/need to be strong for my sisters and any other family member that might be struggling. I can't do that if I am stuck in my own grief.
How ever your grief process is, embrace it. Own it and understand that it is okay to be sad and feel lost for a bit, but you have to be able to pick yourself up (with the help of those that love you) and find a way to live your best life.
For me, the best I hope for is to get back to close to where I was before losing momma, daddy, my mother in law and bonus mom, because I haven't been the same since the loss of my son. If I just get back to where I was after Chad then I will feel like I have made progress. That's my goal. I'm going to get back to where I was after Chad and go from there. It's my hope and prayer that all my siblings are able to do the same as well as daddy's siblings and rest of our family and friends that feel his loss.
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