Since I know my "Better Half" never reads this...

The day my daddy finally got his heavenly wings on Wednesday, June 24, 2020 my precious husband got down on one knee and proposed to me again.  He said with the most genuine voice and said, would you marry me again?  Without hesitation I said, yes, one thousand times yes.  He said I love you more every day and cannot believe how much I love you more than when we first got married.  He said he didn't realize at first just how big my heart was and how much I love when I love.  I will never forget that. 


He took it upon himself to find a Chapel in Monterigginoi in Tuscany, Italy for us to have a private renewal of our vows.  2021 will mark the year of our 16th wedding anniversary (which will actually be December 2, 2021) so technically we will be renewing our vows in our 15th year of marriage.  I'm truly overwhelmed with honor and happiness with his gesture.  We had not even discussed every renewing our vows so for him to bring this up meant so much to me.  I know, Ladies, I'm a very blessed and lucky man. 


So to surprise my husband is next to impossible and honestly that is no understatement.   He always finds out EVEYRTHING!  he now knows I'm having a dress made for our renewal, but he is not allowed to see it and he won't see me in it until the day we have our ceremony, but like I said in the title, he won't be reading this so you get a sneak peak.  They will have to customize it, but since I have 274 days before we even leave, I think I have plenty of time to get it and try it on and buy a new one should this one not work out.  Here is to praying it works out, because we all know I am not a good shopper for myself since he does all that for me so we shall see.  I am shipping it to Tia & Drew's house and she will keep it there and I will go there and try it on and we will determine if it will work.  If for some reason it doesn't I have promised myself not to cry, but to start looking for a new one.  It will all work out.  It all just feels so good, but this dress is the one dress I go back to every time I start looking for one. 

I realize that I will never be able to give him half of what he has given me in our life together and I pray daily that he knows how appreciative for him I am.  I truly do appreciate him and love him with my whole heart.  I engraved on his wedding bank that he had my whole heart and I meant it then and mean it even more today. 

I've heard people say that they at times fall in love with their spouse all over again.  I swear I believe my love for him has just continued to grow and get stronger over the years and it makes me excited to see just how much more I can love him and how much stronger we become together.  He is truly my best friend and my favorite man on this earth.  I know the Lord had a reason for us to meet when we did and have the long courtship we had all for a very good reason.  Some of those reasons I've already learned, but I am certain there are more to come and I am as ready as I can be until that moment happens.  I pray he loves my dress as much as he shows me how much he loves me.  Come on April 2021.  (please COVID stay away so we can make this 2 week European trip of a lifetime happen and renew our vows and just become that much closer).

I love you babe with all my heart and I love the life we have with all our kids and bonus kids and our now grandbaby and future grandbabies.  You make me a better person and I pray I do half as much for you as you do for me. 





Sisters/Friends

You've heard most of your life that sisters are your first best friends.  I do believe that.  I also do believe if you have multiple sisters that you will have your own unique relationship with each sister.  That might sound odd, but if we were honest, we all experience that if you have more than one sister.  I'm fortunate enough to have 4 sisters and 1 unofficial sister.  I love them all and we all have a different type of relationship.  I do know that regardless of the relationship we share that if one of us needed one or all we would all be there without question.
Sisters can also be a very fragile and at times difficult relationships that go through ups and downs just like any relationship would have.
There are times we all get along and there are other times where some of us are speaking and some are not.  One thing remains constant, when there is a need, we show up and we put our differences aside and are just there for each other.  That's how it should be.
Each of my sisters have a very special role they play in my life.  I'm definitely not the best at sharing my feelings and opening up, but I do consider myself still a work in progress on that, but now that I am (shhhh) 54 years old, I'm pretty sure I will continue being who I am.  I wish I could be more open and share my feelings more freely, but it's just not who I am and for the most part my sisters respect that about me and give me my time to work through how I feel.  I know it drives them crazy at times too, but they seem to just understand that there is no changing that about me.  I love that they get that and accept me for that regardless how frustrating it can be.
There are some things that I wish we had more of between all of us sisters and that would be that we could all be close at the same time and together.  Relationships in general can be complicated and sisters are definitely no exception to that.  However, I have come to be at peace with the fact that we will all always have relationships that are different with each other and that's okay with me now. 
So I will explain the best I can how each of my sisters are special to me in their own way and how this relationship works for us (well, I guess I'm speaking for them, but it's how I see it anyway).
I will start with the one that is a year younger than me and go from there.  There is a year and a few weeks difference in our ages.  We are not the closest of sisters.  Part of that, in my opinion, has more to do with her spouse and the fact that there has always been a distance between us whether it be geographically or just emotionally.  She has a very strong personality and can be harsh at times and at one point in our lives she actually told me as she was chewing me out over the phone that she really wasn't mad at me, but that I am just easy to be mad at it so she let me have it.  I still have no idea what she was angry about or who she was angry with, but when this happens (it's happened 2 really bad times), I give it time and typically when we have a serious/tragic event within our family she comes around and I accept her back again.  I would like to think that over time (even though we are starting to get old enough now that it needs to hurry up) we will have that closeness or a closer relationship like true sisters.  It's a hope I will always hold on to.
Then I have the first baby sister and she and I have always been close.  Yes, we have gone through some ups and downs and spent time not communicating like we should, but we always find our way back to each other.  I know if I need her all I have to do is call and she knows the same.  We have traveled a very similar and sad journey in our lifetime.  She lost her first child when she was only 8 years old to brain cancer.  I thought I knew what that pain felt like, because Jessica felt like she was mine too for so long, but then losing my son (my only child), I knew then that although I had so much empathy for her, I truly did not understand the depth of that pain until I lost my son.  I shut down big time and in some ways I guess I am still very shut down, but I do let people in, I just don't go to as much effort of being involved and/or engaged in life like I used to be and not sure I ever will be again.  It's a change that happens to you that cannot be "unchanged".  I hate that, but it is the truth.  Then we come to the real baby of the family now.  She and I too have always been very close.  Even when I lived in NC and she was in TN she would call me any time she was in trouble or needed someone.  Our relationship was slightly different, because our parents traveled a lot with Amway and I was 10 years older so I sort of step into a "Mom" role with her and honestly up until just recently we have continued to have more of a "Mom/Daughter" relationship, but I am looking forward to having just a sister role with her.  I will still need to be "Mom" at times since we don't have our moms any longer and I am okay with that, but I am truly interested more in being a sister and experiencing that kind of relationship on a steady and regular basis.  She and I recently went through a tough patch that actually felt like it lasted on and off for almost 3 years.  We finally sat down and talked through everything that we felt was keeping a wedge between us and I have to say for the first time in a very long time that I have my sister back and I really don't know how to express how grateful I am for that.  I'm looking forward to more sister chats and being close again.  I've missed that.  I miss that any time any of me and my sisters (any of them) aren't speaking or have issues between us.  It's inevitably going to be times when one or all of us don't agree with each other and that's okay.  It's just important to make sure that is a short period of time and doesn't drag out for a long time.  Part of that when I'm involved is on me, because I take forever to think through and sleep on my feelings before sharing them and then some times I just get past it myself and never share my feelings about it.  I do know that isn't the best or the healthiest way to handle things like that, but that's me and while I do wish I could change that about myself, I'm pretty sure that won't be happening any time soon.
This brings me to another sister that isn't my biological sister, but a bonus sister.  She has been my sister since she was around 4-6 years old.  We have never really lived close to each other to spend a ton of time together, but we are as close as you can be with the distance we have always lived from each other.  We don't talk every day and some times it can be months before we talk or text, but I love her regardless and she loves me.  When we are together we always have a good time.  The saddest part of this sister for me is the lack of relationship she has with my other sisters.  They all have their reasons for not being close or at odds and they are all valid reasons.  I just hope and pray that one day that changes and they can have a closer relationship.  My dream would be that all 5 of us girls could take a girls' trip some time and just have a great sister trip, but I'm not sure I will live long enough to ever see that happen.  That makes me sad at times, but I have accepted that not all of us will have the same kind of relationship with each other, but at least when the chips are down we are there for each other.  I guess until something else changes that this will have to be good enough and for me right now I guess it is.  I would just like to have more with all of my sisters.
Then this brings me to my "unofficial" sister.  It's my best friend since the 2nd week of my high school freshman year.  We always say we are sisters from another mister.  We are like soul sisters and while we don't always agree with each other, we love each other like sisters.  Actually having all 5 of us girls together for "sister" time would be so great OR a nightmare....  LOL!  That's a lot of hormones and personalities to be in the same place at the same time so anything could happen, but I do believe we could have a great time.  Who knows, maybe one day that can happen, but until then I will continue to love my sisters in our own special ways and appreciate the fact that I have sisters who are also my friends. 
Here's to one day having a great "sisters" weekend or week.