Daddy's Girl

Well, it has been quite the last few weeks.  Since Father's Day daddy has really been going down hill and quickly and by Monday, June 22, 2020 by around 3:00 pm he became unresponsive (of course I just thought he was sleeping a lot).  Hospice came in and said they thought he had days or hours.  I made sure the girls knew and could get here as quickly as they could.  Sadly, by the time they could all get here he wouldn't open his eyes or respond at all.  Daddy passed just before 9:00 pm Wednesday, June 24th peacefully and surrounded by his 4 girls and our husbands. 
Being such a daddy's girl for so long I have had a hard time processing all of this and how I will go a day without talking to him.  Since I can remember with the rare exception that I couldn't call I at least spoke to him every day and most days multiple times a day.  I still feel like I am in a weird fog.  It's a different fog than what I felt when I lost Chad, but it's a fog none the same.
I think every daughter is a daddy's girl in some way.  All daddy/daughter relationships, even within the same family, are different and special to each of the daughters to their daddy.
As for me and daddy, I feel like we had a bond unlike most.  We had always been very close and I seriously do not know how to feel with him no longer on this earth.  I know I will reunite with him one day and I do know he is rejoicing and loving on Chad and Jessica and his parents now and at least his little mind is finally free of this disease of Dementia and Alzheimer's. 


Since September 2, 2019 I had made it a priority to take care of him and make sure he was never alone unless he was asleep and even then I was constantly keeping a watch on him to make sure he wasn't having any problems during the night.  I still worked full time at home until Oct. 1st and then a friend and old neighbor of ours let him hang out with her all day so I could go to work. We had a great routine going.  I would drop him off around 7:30 am and go to the office and then leave work by 3:30 to have him picked up no later than 4:00 each day and then start our evening routine and then our shower and bedtime routine. He loved Pace and doing PT, but mostly enjoyed the socializing (especially with all the ladies).😎


Then the first of March COVID 19 hit and we were sent home to work from home indefinitely and Pace closed.  I for one was thrilled to be working from home and loved it.  I was literally in the same room with daddy all day long every day and enjoyed keeping an eye on him, taking breaks to watch Heartland with him when I could and made sure we ate every meal together so he wouldn't feel alone.  We would take walks around the neighborhood and workout in our gym before it closed due to COVID.  We truly enjoyed our time together (at least I did).  I even attempted teaching him Face Book, but needless to say that was a huge bust, but it was fun the couple of days we tried it.  He just couldn't figure it out, but he did look at some pictures and while I had to tell him who everyone was, he did seem to enjoy that for the mili-second it could keep his attention.


Our house feels eerily quiet and I find myself not knowing what to do with any down time I get with work as if I wasn't working I was doing something with or for daddy.  COVID was both a curse and a blessing at the same time. It was a curse for most of the country/nation, but for me it was a blessing to get to just be with him 24/7 for over 3 full months.  That is time I will never get back and will cherish all the days of my life.


I miss him terribly (selfishly), but I am so incredibly grateful that he is no longer a prisoner in his own mind with these dreadful disease.  He is no longer dependent on someone else for everything and can remember things now and is walking like he used to. 


Daddy, I knew you were ready and definitely tired of fighting through this disease that no one could help you with except keep you happy and safe as long as we could.  I hope I did you proud (even though I am sure I was a helicopter daughter, being overprotective), but I did my best and wanted to take the best care of you that I could.  I only hope in some way you were able to understand that while you were with us.  I love you daddy and I will always be a daddy's girl.  Continue to love on my baby boy and little Red and we will all see you again one day, but for me it won't come soon enough.


At Chad's Wedding - He was Chad's Best Man

Daddy and Gus

Daddy on the Pontoon



Daddy on Veteran's Day

Daddy doing his happy dance after glaucoma procedure

Daddy after open heart surgery - Looking a lot like Clint Eastwood

Daddy after open heart surgery



Daddy doing his exercises after open heart surgery

Daddy with after open heart surgery and of course he took right up with the visiting dog

We still aren't sure why he laid in bed like this, but he had been sick (open heart surgery)

Daddy after open heart surgery - so thin

Most certainly he was joking around with the staff (open heart surgery)

This is why everyone loves him

Daddy having fun with one of the girls (open heart surgery)

Bless him - btw, he took over my TN blanket

Sleeping in his favorite position

Still having fun - open heart surgery

PT always loves working with him, how could you not - HA

So handsome

So handsome

Happy eating time

He was amazed by the fit pit

Not napping LOL

The nappingest non napper ever  LOL

Not napping again - HA

Little patio time

That hat though LOL

Hot tub fun.  He was a hoot

Daddy surrounded by his Stable (open heart surgery)

Daddy and his siblings.  Such close siblings.

Helping Tebo lay grass seed

Helping Tebo rake up and spread dirt

Sweeping was one of his favorite chores

Daddy with his "old" sister (he always referred to her as that)

Visiting Chad.  He can never stay long enough with him.

Best Buds - Daddy loved that Chadman - AKA Jeffery LOL

Typical picture of daddy LOL

Daddy with his siblings and Bobby Yates

Love this man

Daddy's hands

Bless him, he sure misses his little man

He said "They did a good job writing up Chad's stuff" (talking about the headstone)

Me & Daddy (thank you Stacy)

Me & Daddy (thank you Stacy)

Love (thank you Stacy)

Going to eat (thank you Stacy)

No idea what we were doing, but we were riding

Me & Daddy in the hot tub

Love him so much

Daddy with his nurse after glaucoma procedure

Daddy with his girl "Peanut"

Tebo, Daddy, Me, & Kristin at Local Lime

Tebo & Daddy trying to take "Scooter" football equipment off

Uncle Phil breaking him out!  LOL



Today's Frustrations

I try to stay out of politics and especially off social media with my thoughts and opinions, but I
have really been bothered by something that I decided I would just put my words on paper/electronically without putting it out on the typical social media networks.
Something happened last week where Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints made a comment in a video that he would not support anyone that disrespected the American Flag.  The backlash that he has received from this statement has been terribly upset.  He didn't mention race, groups of people, etc.  He simply said he would not support anyone (that is all inclusive) that did not respect OUR American Flag.  How does every single American not feel that way?  He even referred to his generations of Veterans in his family.  How can he not feel patriotic?
So let me see if I have this as straight as I can possibly keep up with in this ever changing world.  Colin Kaepernick takes a knee during the National Anthem to protest (if I remember correctly) the mistreatment of the African American people by policemen.  First, let us not forget that moments as OUR National Anthem is being sung, he is kneeling in front of a fully dressed out US Marine!  That in and of itself should piss a lot of Americans off!  If it doesn't, then I question your patriotism.  Yes, it is especially personal for me as I am speaking as a Gold Star Mother of any only child who died fighting for that Red, White, & Blue US American Flag that Mr. Kaepernick disrespected with his timing and location of "his protest".  Did taking a knee stop any police brutality that he claimed was his reason for taking said knee?  No!  Are all police officers showing this type of brutality?  NO!  However, you don't hear the media or anyone of any color protesting to praise the good ones out there and I believe there are far more good than bad police officers.  I know too many personally to believe that this is a world wide problem in every single state, city, county.  Why is it if a police officer kills a white person nothing like these protesters takes place.  Actually, this time, the protesting has been mostly calm and non-violent, but you have some people out there jumping on a different type of band wagon that are being violent and obviously have a completely different agenda since violence is what they are supposedly protesting about.  Can you say oxymoron?  Geez!
Okay, that rant is over, so back to Drew Brees and his comment about our US American Flag.  Why is it ok for certain people to speak out or protest or whatever they want to do, but not him?  Would it have been received differently had he be any other color, but white?  I'm just curious.  I guess I'm missing something here, but what he said had nothing to do with anyone specific except himself and now the NFL Commission, Roger Goodell, is considering allowing players protest and express their beliefs how they want.  Here's my suggestion, let them express themselves, but how about doing it before the National Anthem is sung/played or after the game has ended.  Why does it have to be then?  Just wondering how a protest would have to be done during this reverent time? 
So I have now written a letter to the Executive Editor of the New York Times, NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, and the New Orleans Saints organization and now I'm just putting it on my personal blog.
You have the right to kneel?  Well, try this on for size for anyone that wants to disrespect the US American Flag or this Nation that allows you the freedoms to do what you want with apparently total disregard for others or the repercussion of your actions.  I know get to visit my only child in this way.  Colin Kaepernick and anyone else out there that wants to take a knee with our US American Flag flying in front of you and a uniformed (any branch) military service member, you just remember this is how I get to remember my son so you can act like you are acting.

CPL Chad S Wade, USMC

What a beautiful US American Flay...  The Red, White, & Blue

My baby...  this is how I get to kiss his little forehead now



All the Feels

It's not what you think when you hear people say, this gives me all the Feels.  That statement these days seem to be more positive.  Mine are a combination of literally everything right now.
If you don't know my family or daddy is in the advanced stages of Dementia and Alzheimer's and talk about all the Feels.
There are moments when we laugh and talk and things seem somewhat "normal" (as normal as you can get with this disease).  We can take walks around the neighborhood and he will comment on homes and construction like he remembers all the aspects of building a house and the next walk he won't have a clue.  Then there are moments of hurt feelings and even anger at times because of things he might say or do that are so mean and totally not him, but I am still human and have to remind myself that it isn't him, it's this dreadful disease.  Then there is sadness that daddy has been gone for a good while and now we are just waiting on the inevitable and nothing we can to do change, stop or even slow this process.  Today is fear.  He slept last night from 8:00 pm to about 7:45 am.  I knew he wasn't quite there this morning, but I helped him get into the kitchen and have his breakfast and medicines.  He ate like a 2 year old. It was messy and he acted like he wasn't sure what he was eating or how to eat. He finished and I realized he wasn't stable enough to walk to his chair on his own so I helped him and decided to take his blood pressure.  Sitting it was 99/61 with a heart rate of 74.  I waited 15 minutes and took it standing and it was 100/61 with a heart rate of 63.  He had this far away look in his eyes so I asked if anything hurt or if his head felt weird or anything and he just sat there and said maybe sluggish.  I said how about laying on the couch for a few and see if you feel better.  This was at 8:30 am.  He is literally still asleep at 11:18 am.  I have talked to his nurse and she will call me back after the doctor is out of a patient room and determine do we cut out some blood pressure medication or what. All I want to do is cry, because I feel helpless, but more than that I know he never wanted to live like this.  He just appears hollow and has sad eyes and I hate seeing him like this.  I just pray the Lord has mercy on his soul and doesn't allow him to suffer with this disease for many more years. It's so hard and sad to watch your loved one live like this (well exist like this).  Prayers for daddy if you are reading this.

I miss this daddy. 

His last attempt to look at Face Book (he isn't a fan)

Still sleeping at 11:34 AM 6-1-20

Sleeping after breakfast 6-1-20

This morning after breakfast 6-2-20

Happy because I finally said yes to fried catfish... LOL

Channeling his inner thug self

Trying to learn Face Book (no I have no idea what I was thinking)

Leaving Dawn P's house.

"Texting" on his flip phone because Stacy & I were (trying to be funny) LOL

Wreath's Across America (2019)

At Chad's wedding (he was the best man) 2009

Grateful

I know I've said it many times before and I will likely say it many times again, but I am so grateful for my husband.  He has always taken care of me from day one of being married and he has been the rock of this family that he has needed to be.  Sometimes he is taken for being rough around the edges, but he really isn't.  He is very protective of his family and definitely of me.  He will do whatever he can to protect me from any harm or sadness if it is within his power to do so.  Sometimes it's a bit much for me, but when I feel that way I stop and remember that he is only protecting his wife and then I can usually put things into perspective.
We are definitely complete opposites when it comes to forgiveness and seeing people for what they really are at times.  I tend to always give a person the benefit of the doubt where he is typically suspicious until they prove him differently.  I don't hold grudges and he does.  We definitely balance each other out when it comes to certain aspects of our personalities. 
There are those that don't understand and think he is a hard ass and for that I make no apologies.  His intentions are always good and pure, especially when it comes to our family.  He does not like to see me hurt or upset, so he will do whatever he can to protect me from that.  I love that about him even if I wish he could have a more forgiving heart, he is who he is and I will make no apologies for that.  He is the man that has and continues to help me put one foot in front of the other when many times I was ready to give up and just stay in bed.  It takes a very strong and loving man to stand by while he watches his wife lose her only child.  He has been that man for me.  If that wasn't enough, he is also the man who opened our home to move daddy in and take care of him and this situation is NOT for the faint of heart.  It is hard and it takes up a lot of time (my time away from my husband for sure) and it disrupts your entire life and lifestyle as we knew it before and he does that without complaining.  That's the kind of man he is. 
I am no different than anyone else, sometimes I have a tendency to forget to let him know how grateful I am because I get caught up in being tired and busy taking care of the house, daddy, and work that I feel I sometimes take it for granted that he is just going to always be here.  My bad!
I know he knows that I love him, but I need to do a better job of showing him how grateful I am to him and how much I appreciate all he has done, given up, put up with, and handles since he said I do December 10, 2005.  I'm very fortunate and grateful, I just need to be better at letting him know that.