Being Quarantined

During this unprecedented time of COVID 19 (Novel Coronavirus), we all find ourselves being quarantined in our homes with whatever family we are living with at this time.  I won't lie, I love working from home.  I would do it everyday if I could.  Working from home with my husband also working from home has been even better (at least for me).  Working from home with our 78 year old father with severe Dementia and advancing Alzheimer's brings an entirely different element to our working from home situation. 
I have to say that for the most part it has gone very well.  There is the challenge of making sure he is active and engaged and still get my work done, but fortunately this week things have slowed down slightly with work and the weather being nice enough to walk around the block or two after we eat lunch.  However, on busier days and certainly with bad weather or colder weather makes it a bit harder to do this.  When I have lots of reporting and/or conference calls I try to find tasks he can do around the house or put on Heartland for him to watch. 
Bless his heart though, he doesn't do his tasks well on his own and struggles with how to operate the vacuum cleaner.  He is unsteady on his feet so anything he would have to do that requires him to carry or hold something while doing his task as proven to be a bit unsafe for him so I have to watch him like a hawk or he will fall. 
We have our set up for our home office set pretty well.  Tebo took the home office and I have set up all my monitors, etc. on the dining room table.  Now, I do have to admit, this stuff being out all day and all night is driving me somewhat insane, but it's our new normal for now so I'm trying not to look this way any more than I have to.  Some days I handle it just fine and other days, well, let's just say daddy isn't the only challenge I find myself facing. 😏  Never the less, we are making it work.
I haven't left the house once since our company required us to work from home (we are in week 3) and I am not complaining at all.  Tebo has gone out a couple of times to either stock us up with more groceries and twice he ordered curb side service at our favorite local restaurants and daddy rode with him, but they didn't even have to get out of the car.  I know some people are going stir crazy, but this girl is not.  I love being home.
I will say there has been one struggle and that is we have eliminated our Sunday family dinner time for now to protect mainly daddy, but ourselves as well.  That I really don't like.  Also, sadly one of Chad's buddies from school passed away and we were unable to go to visitation or have any of his friends in town come over as we cannot chance daddy catching this virus.  That part I will admit has been hard, but necessary.
The other thing about being quarantined at home with daddy is the late afternoon/evenings.  He has sundowners really bad and he gets very ugly.  Oh, why sugar coat it, he can be a real ass-hole and that is hard for people who know him to believe, but trust me, I would never refer to him like that if it weren't true.  He tends to bless me with most of this behavior (which is fine) so that is hard.  I typically do most everything for him as Tebo not only has a very stressful job, but he does all the cooking and helps with daddy when he can.  The problem lately is daddy doesn't want me too far away or out of his sight.  It's been a bit odd.  If we are sitting on the patio and I come in for something (even to go to the bathroom), he comes looking for me and won't go back outside unless I go with him.  That's somewhat new'ish over the last few weeks and while it is sweet, sometimes it would just be nice to get something done without him hovering over me (parents of small children, does this sound familiar?).  We are working through this as well and finding ways to distract him long enough for me to get little things done when needed.
I've tried to get him to do different things to help him be busy like puzzles or games, etc. and he is not interested.  He doesn't willingly go for walks, but if I present it as him keeping me company he tends to be more willing to do go.  It's just like a family with young kids at home and trying to keep them busy, you have to get creative with convincing them to do certain things, it's no different with him.
Overall, I can't complain.  I have two of my favorite men at home with me every day as long as we are under this mandate to stay at home and I know I will miss it when we are required to return to work and Pace opens back up for daddy.  Until then I will find those nuggets of special moments and enjoy them and treasure them.  I will also do my best to navigate "Walter" when he shows up.  You might say a little prayer for me with that.  "Walter" is not very nice and after a long day of juggling work and keeping him busy can at times take a toll making it hard to be patient with him. 



Happiness

Happiness is a choice.  We all have the ability to choose to either be happy that day or not, but it is still a choice.  I am the first to admit I don't have all the answers and I certainly don't understand all there is to know about depression or any of that type of stuff.  What I do know for sure is that happiness is a choice.
You might wonder how I know this.  Well, after losing my only child almost 9 1/2 years ago I could choose to just stay in bed and give up on everything and everyone, but I haven't done that.  Have I wanted to at times, you better believe it, but who does that help? 
While there are days that are harder than others to choose happiness that particular day, I don't really allow myself the choice not to choose happiness. 
Let me clarify, choosing (for me) to be happy is much harder than you might think.  It takes effort and it takes a commitment to myself and the memory of my son to do this and when I stop and allow myself to really remember that he isn't physically here on this earth, it still knocks the breath out of me.
What gets frustrating, for me, is when I see people in this world not even trying to be happy or at least the outward appearance is that they aren't happy.  Yes, we all have things in our lives that likely no one knows or understands that could make you feel sad or angry or whatever else feeling you may have, but when it becomes so common that people actually notice when you are showing happiness in your life then you might have a problem or you are choosing to stay in a state of unhappiness.  That's really sad to me, but you have a choice to allow yourself to be happy or miserable, but it's your choice.
If you find yourself sad or unhappy more than you are happy, then maybe it is time to speak with someone and take action.  Change your surroundings or the people that take up space in your life that may be causing this state of unhappiness.  The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.  You have to consciously make a decision to change things around you that will give you that ability to choose happiness. 
One thing I have noticed in life, regardless of my loss, is that some people strive on just not being happy.  That's too bad, because that choice does not just impact you, but it impacts all those around you and your family and if you have children, it impacts them as well.  You may not see it because you are too wrapped up in your choice to not be happy that you don't see what it does to those around you.
We all have things that happen in our lives that make us sad, angry, etc., but if you don't make the choice at some point in your life to be happy then you will end up in a very sad and likely lonely life and I can only imagine that you had only begun to "feel" unhappy.
I have a group of Chad's friends that had yet another tragic loss this past weekend and the sadness and loss they are feeling are real and it isn't something they will ever just "get over".  I am sure it has stirred up the loss of Chad in them as it has with me and right now they are still in shock and trying to process all of this and try to make sense of it all.  Their dear friend's wife is fighting for her life and having to wake up to learn that her husband didn't survive.  To make matters even worse is they have a three year old and a seven month old (both boys) that have lost their daddy and could possibly lose their mom.  We are all praying their mom pulls through and makes it and even with that she has a very long road ahead of her for recovery.  These friends eventually found a way to be happy again after Chad's passing and they will again at some point after Billy's passing.  However, that time is not now, but I've seen their strength and commitment to one another and together one day they will all choose to be happy again.  This much I know for sure.  I've seen them do it before and I know I will see them do it again.
As if all this wasn't enough, as a country we are dealing with COVID 19, making it difficult for them to physically be with each other in this very sad time when they need each other the most.  They may not even be able to attend a funeral for their close friend and be there for his twin brother.  All of this is just compounding their sadness and I'm sure there feeling of utter helplessness.  I'm right there with them.  Even with all this, I know these young adults and I know they will pull together and choose happiness again one day with each other's help.  In the meantime we pray and we hold them close to our hearts and be there for them in any way we possibly can.
The point here is simple.  If you happen to be a person who does not choose happiness I would urge you to stop and think about how difficult it must be for some people to make that choice and yet somehow they do (at least eventually).  Look at your blessings and gifts and stop to think that there are people out there facing things you hopefully never have to face in your lifetime or watch your loved ones face them and choose happiness.  Make a commitment to yourself and your loved ones to choose happiness and I promise you and those around you will be better for it and you will be teaching your children and loved ones how to choose happiness when it might be easier not to do so.
My heart is broken for the Booher and Lea family for what they are going through right now as well as this close group of friends that have been together since early school.  They all share a bond that most groups of friends don't have.  You typically have a few really close friends, and I've been fortunate enough to see this larger group of friends stay close and active in each other's lives ever since and when one of them hurts, they all hurt.  They have and will continue to always be there for each other and that's what will help them choose happiness one day.  I would ask you to keep them all in your thoughts and prayers, especially as Tory continues to fight for her life and recover to be reunited with her precious little boys.
I would also ask that you give yourself permission to be happy if you are someone who struggles with choosing happiness each day.  Bad things happen all the time.  Things that are out of your control.  Things you would have never chosen to happen, but it does.  Sickness, accidents, whatever it might be, it happens.  However, you can choose how you rebound from whatever it is that has you down and you can choose to be happy, if that is your hearts desire.  We all deserve to be happy and while that may harder for some people to achieve than others, you still deserve it.

COVID 19

While our country and other countries are basically on hold and/or quarantined due to the Coronavirus, better known as COVID 19, this makes for a good time to reflect and purge our lives of negativity or things that don't make us better people.
I for one need to do a better job of reaching out to others rather than stay to myself once I get home.  We are required to work from home for the next 2 weeks or until March 27, 2020 at this time.  I think fortunately I had already made preparations for daddy to stay with Stacy from this past Friday until this Thursday so Tebo and I could have a little break and so that I could have more time to focus on my job.  However, I never realized we would be hit so hard as a country with this COVID 19 so while I have been able to work from home uninterrupted, I also know that I now have 30 days that I will be required to work from home with daddy here as Pace will be closed for 30 days with a tentative re-open date of April 13th (as long as things don't decline).
It's a challenge to say the very least to have him here while I try to work, but it's a whole new challenge to have both Tebo and I here trying to work from home while still making time to care of daddy.
We have a pretty good set up right now and hopefully this works out.  Tebo is set up in the home office with his 3 monitors and I am set up at the dining room table with my 3 monitors so that I will have full view of daddy at all times during the day.  Now, daddy may not like this set up as he will have a hard time getting away with being sneaky (LOL), but I know he doesn't like sitting in a room alone either so that will make him happy.


As I think in my down time about what I can do to be a better person I am a bit overwhelmed at how much I could do and do better.  Yes, I have limited options of just picking up and going somewhere, but I could write more letters or make more phone calls and I will do my best to make that a priority behind taking care of my husband and daddy first.


We were also blessed this past Sunday with Tia getting engaged to Drew.  Yes, we are gaining a new son and we can't wait. It was a pleasure to get the chance to share that joyous moment with Tebo's sister (although, Drew did not propose at our house), we celebrated the moment they walked in.  The smiles on both their faces were almost too much for a momma's heart to handle.  We all laughed and talked and of course drank Champaign.  It was one of the best "family dinners" we have had in a long time and we all enjoyed every minute of it.


I am reminded, however, how little time we may likely have with the ones we love.  Debbie will be 69 years old this year and Tebo will be 60.  Not that those are "old" ages, it does mean that we are closing in on some "old" years.  We need to enjoy each other more and as much as we possible can.

Homesick

If home is where the heart is, then I'm homesick for you!  You here that comment all the time "Home is Where the Heart is".  Well, my heart is in heaven with you and I am extremely homesick for you.


I'm not sure if it is because May is fast approaching or if this is just the way my heart will always feel (I'm assuming since it's been well over 9 years this will just be the way my heart will always feel), but I am still amazed that each day my eyes open, I take a breath, my heart beats, and I have to get out of bed and make the best of each day.  Any time now I expect my heart to break entirely that mornings don't happen anymore, but so far that has not been the case.


I do believe you can die from a broken heart, but it would appear, to me anyway, that it is a long and painful death.  There are days that feels so unfair, but I also know it's not my place to question God on why or why not.  Therefore I try daily, hourly, minute, second not to do just that, but it's hard not to be tempted to do just that.


Chad, you were truly the only good thing I've ever done in my life and nothing I ever do moving forward will ever top you!  I struggle with what my reason for being left behind really is and I may never know.  I know for now it is to care for your BoBo for as long as the Lord wants him on this earth.  I also know that Tebo needs to right now too with all he is dealing with at work and just with life in general.  I know my sisters (well most of them) need me, but I also know they have loving husbands and other friends and family who would step right in and pick up where I leave off when the Lord is ready to reunite us.  Until that day I suppose I will continue to open my eyes, take a breath, feel my heart beat, and get out of bed and attempt to do the best I can to make it through the day.  I don't have to like it, but I have to do it as there is no other option for me.


Son, just know, I will NEVER be the person I was before you left this earth and I will never find true joy in my heart again like I will have when I finally see you again and wrap my arms around you and kiss your sweet forehead.  I miss that.  I miss your hugs that only you could give me just at the right time.  Nothing seems sweeter than the hug from a son to his mother and I miss those. 


I will go to my grave not only loving and missing you, but grieving for you as well.



Sleepless in Arkansas

Oh how the changes and unexpected continues to surprise me.  Tuesday night this week daddy went to sleep at 8:10 pm and literally up at 10:30 pm fully dressed, bed made, and watching TV.  He never went back to sleep the entire night.  Around 4:30 am I realized he was up and dressed, including his coat, I jumped up and quickly showered and got ready for work.  I turned on the hallway light and he immediately opened his door and we started our morning routine with breakfast, meds, and eye drops.  After his drops he started hallucinating, thinking someone was standing by him and then he thought someone else was there with a bat.  He then went sound asleep.  I took this chance to move the car over to the larger side of the garage, loaded all our stuff up, and doing my walk through before leaving to drop him off and head to work.  I came back into the living room where he was still napping in his chair and I rubbed his arm and said, "Daddy".  He didn't move.  I couldn't even tell if he was breathing.  It took me 3 times getting a bit louder each time to wake him up.  I thought he died right there in the chair for a moment.  It scared me to death, but he got up and we got in the car.  Dawn, one of my sisters, called on the way to Pace and his conversation really didn't make a lot of sense.  He had a hard time finding his words or completing sentences.  So sad.
I suggested to Eric at Pace that he might want to find him a quiet spot so he could nap.  He rested his eyes a little, but never really napped. 
We got home around 4:15 yesterday and he got his snack and I kept him engaged in conversation until Tebo could get home and then we had dinner.  I gave him a glass of wine with dinner and we cleaned up the kitchen and I was able to keep him up until 8:00 pm.  He went to bed and wasn't real nasty like he has been lately, so that was nice.  This morning, Thursday, I had to wake him up at 6:30 am.  Cracks me up!  There is no figuring out his schedule (or lack thereof).
You've got to find the funny wherever you can with this dreadful disease. 

Shattered heart

Unless you have lost a child you will have a very difficult time understanding or comprehending the depths in which a heart can shatter.  What is even harder to understand, for me, is how I continue to breathe and how my heart continues to beat when it is so broken.  The only way to explain it at this point is by the grace of God.  If it were left up to me and my heart, it would have never had a heartbeat again after December 1, 2010 at approximately 5:30-6:00 PM when that doorbell rang.
For whatever reason the Lord has seen it fit to keep me on this earth longer than my precious son of whom I was his mother for 22 years.  Yes, I'm still technically his mother, but I feel further from being a mom than I did when I was in my early 20's and told I would like never conceive a child.  That's how I feel today.
Everyone handles or manages the loss of a child differently and I totally get that, but it is still hard for me to actually grasp the fact that I continue to wake up each morning and find a way to put one foot in front of the other and continue on each day.
I can assure you, I DO NOT WANT TO!  I'm not suicidal nor would I consider taking my own life, I just do not grasp how it is possible for a heart to continue beating when it is so shattered like it is.  Again, unless you have experienced that kind of loss there is no way you could possible begin to understand how this feels.  The biggest part of my life as I knew it died and will never be repaired since Wednesday, December 1, 2010.  It is a moment in time that I will never forget nor will it ever get easier or hurt less.  It just won't.
I truly do my best every day not to live in that place, however, there are days when there is no changing how that feels and for the most part I can usually hide that from most and fake it with the best of them, but today was hard.  I don't know why and typically I cannot explain what triggers it, but today was one of those days for me.
I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day and felt like I would fall apart at any given second.  I had decided once I left the office to get daddy today that I would only check email to address anything urgent, but just as I was leaving the office someone had a request that required me to work.  That just added to my day of frustration as all I really wanted to do is just sit and survive until Tebo got home with as little interaction as possible.  Well, I guess best laid plans never seem to work out do they?
Life is hard.  Life without my son, my only child, is literally the hardest thing I have done and ever will do.  It sucks!  It sucks big time! 
I hate life without my son on this earth.  I truly do hate it, but I don't have a choice.  Suicide is NOT an option and being self absorbed is NOT an option.  I have people depending on me.  Retirement is NOT an option at this time so I will continue to just fake it until the day comes when I have the freedom to just have a freaking day when I don't have to fake being "OKAY" and just be sad for a moment.  I guess until that day comes I will continue to figure out how to keep going when all I want to do is join my son in heaven. 

 

"Larry's World"

Alzheimer's and Dementia is hard and not for the faint of heart as I have said before, however, you have to find joy and laughter when you can.  There are very few (if any) days that I pick daddy up from Pace that there isn't a "story" of events that took place that day.  Yesterday was no exception to that.  Here is how the afternoon conversation went as I picked him up.
At first he seemed very frustrated and testy.  The young lady at the front desk caught me to give me a piece of paper which turned out to be his daily report.  I said has he had a bad day and she responded with, no, not really, he seemed to have a good day.  I said, good.  He seems frazzled right now.  We walk out and he says, boy has this been a messed up day.  I'm thinking, oh Lord, now what.  So, they have a new activity director and he isn't a huge fan (yet).  He says she talks to them like they are little kids and he does not like that and she pushes for them to participate.  Well, in her defense, she is new and they want them to participate as much as possible in as many activities as possible as that helps this disease with the socializing and working his brain muscles. So I just let him vent.  Then the fun starts.  He says, I really about messed up today.  I said what did you do?  This is the rest of the story:


Daddy:  Well, Bo (he's a worker at Pace) came to me and said, "do you want a sweet treat?  It's yours".  Of course he said yes.  Bo hands him a jar with blue stuff in it, but no spoon or fork so daddy puts some in his hand and tries it.  It was crunchy so he chewed it up and his first thought is it was salty, but he just kept eating on it until his first bite was gone.  Bo comes back over and said, did you eat some of that?  Daddy said, "well, yes, you gave it to me".  Bo kind of freaks out, grabs a nurse, she then brings him a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a cup and says "brush your teeth really well".  He said why?  Wait for it....   That's crystals that you made, not food.  LOL!  They were worried to death at first.  Now, had this been something terribly dangerous I highly doubt they would have even allowed them to make it.  Also, he had his crystals he made (and of course Miss Emma's crystals), because they are in the freezer at home.  I'm not sure where these other crystals came from, but I figured if it was that big a deal they would have gone straight to Dr. Martin and had him checked out.  So, of course, since he thought this was a big deal and he had really messed up I just said, well, if you start pooping crystals we will know, huh?  Then I said, you know, if I could request, if you are going to poop anything could you make it diamonds.  We had a big laugh.  Then daddy said if his poop was shiny he would put it in a jar and take it back to Bo.  LOL!  That man definitely does not make for a boring day.


His daily report was super cute and the first one we have received.  It stated this:




Larry... 2-19-20
Vital signs:  BP 97/63, heart rate: 63, oxygen level: 91%
Intake lunch:  100% (of course)
Bowel movement (yes) -- Self care
Mood:  Cheerful
Day center activity/participation:  Full (not surprised)


Misc. information for the day:
Had a very good, laugh and joked around. 


LOL...  He definitely makes his days good regardless where he is.  You have to find those little moments that remind you that you are doing the right thing for him at this stage in his life.