Here is something unless you've lived it that you won't know. You never know what will trigger a breakdown. I've had many breakdowns and some can be explained and some not at all.
One example of an unexplained breakdown was one normal Friday night Tebo and I went to our normal Sushi place like we did every week. We sat in our same spot at the Sushi bar with our normal and favorite Sushi Chef. She said, I've been working on some new rolls. We said, oh good. She said I made one of them for you today, it's called "The Happy Chad". I burst into tears and completely fell apart and that lasted all night and the next day. Now, why in the world would that have caused me to fall apart. There was nothing significant about that day or anything (so I thought at the time). Just a normal night for Sushi after a long week at work. On the way home Tebo said he thought I was depressed and needed to talk to my doctor. I actually got offended by that statement. I don't know why, I just did and I didn't feel depressed. I don't know what being depressed is supposed to feel like, but I know I didn't feel depressed. The next day Tebo said that since one of my dearest friends lost her only son at the age of 22 (just like Chad) in a crazy freaky accident that also cannot be explained, that I have not been the same and it's as if it took me right back to Dec. 1, 2010. I had not even thought about that until he said that. My dear friend and I have lived a very paralleled life. We were single moms for most of our boys' lives. We both worked at the same company since I started there in 2001 and ended up dating many years before marrying our best friend and loves of our lives and had not been married long when our husbands had to figure out how to navigate this kind of sadness. When you lay it out like that then it seems like there was something pretty significant that had happened, but it wasn't that day or even that week. This had been 3 months prior to that night.
That just goes to explain how you just never know what will trigger that kind of reaction.
I go to the cemetery once a week. I've explained before why I do this, but I will explain again in the event you didn't read that blog. I figure if he was still on this earth I would make a point to see him at least once a week if possible. I know I would talk to him daily as I always did so I figure the least I can do is go there once a week and have my quiet time. Yes, I know he isn't "there", but that's a place I can go and for some reason feel a little closer to him. I can't explain why, it just is what it is.
Weeks that I am traveling or unable to go I feel guilty. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. It feels like I'm letting him down. I never want to let him down.
I have a new trigger now that I underestimated the impact this would have on my broken heart. We received a Fed Ex package from an attorney's office in Washington, DC regarding a class action lawsuit on behalf of CPL Chad S Wade's family. At first I didn't think much about it. I discussed with Tebo (no tears) and we determined we needed to send the packet to our attorney and make sure this was even legit. I did that and it is legit so we decided together to go ahead and tell them we would participate, but that we aren't looking for a monetary outcome, but if participating kept one penny from supporting terrorism it would be worth it. I was first shocked when within 3 hours I received a phone call from this attorney. He began with "I'm sorry for the loss of your son, Chad". I said thank you (not sure why we always say that). Then he began to discuss the details of what he would need from us and asking me details about Chad and I felt my heart break again. I didn't cry on the phone with him, but I did once we hung up and I definitely did not sleep for a couple of nights after. I knew there would be questions, but what I didn't realize is how hard it still is to relive some of that. It's painful and not the kind of pain you can describe. It just hurts from the inside out.
When a parent is left behind and especially when it's your only child you are lost. Who do you care for and worry about? What defines you now? You don't feel like a mother any longer. Yes, I know I am, but I do not feel like a mother anymore. Not a "real" mother anyway.
You want to join the "real" world again and be a productive member of society, but you aren't the same. I've never been super social, but I find myself being even less social than before. I have to fake being "okay" every day at work and put on that happy face and then I'm exhausted by the end of the day and by the weekend I really don't want to get out of bed or out of my PJs and I definitely don't want to leave the house. I do some weekends and some weekends I don't. I can tell you that the weekends that I don't leave the house or my PJs are my happy place, as happy as any place can be.
I have no answers for any of this and certainly no explanations. I just know that I have to exist in this world for as long as the good Lord sees fit for me to be on this earth. I don't like it and yes I get jealous when someone passes away, because they are seeing my son before I do and I don't like that at all, but there is nothing I can do about that. It sucks!
If you are a parent that has lost a child and especially your only child, I am truly so sorry with every fiber in my body. No parent should ever have to bury a child and being left behind like this compares to no other pain in the world.
