Anxiety

You would think after nearly 9 years that as Dec. 1st approaches that the anxiety that literally feels like it is drowning me would ease up.  It does NOT!  Today it his me like a wall of water literally drowning me to the point that I'm having a hard time focusing and at times catching my breath. 


I don't ever want it to get easy, trust me, that isn't possible.  I guess I just thought that by now the anxiety of that approaching day would ease a little bit.  I'm truly stunned that after three thousand two hundred sixty nine days with 17 days to go to be 9 years that I would be better prepared to face Dec. 1st.  Well, I'm not.


I plan to cancel family dinner that Sunday and see if Tebo will take daddy for some time and just give me some quiet time to myself.  I'm sure he will and daddy will enjoy it.  The kids would have just been here the Sunday prior and that Thursday for Thanksgiving and to celebrate Tebo's birthday so I think they will completely understand.  I just think this is something I need to do on my own and in complete silence.


I'm so sorry son that I could not protect you and keep you safe.  There isn't a moment that I am breathing that I don't think about what I might have done or said to protect you.  That was my only job in life was take care of you and protect you and I didn't do that.  For that I may never forgive myself, but I keep that on the inside.  I know you were doing what you wanted and even when you asked me what you should do and I responded with sleep on it, talk to Katie, and pray about it and you didn't wait that this was something you were meant to do (in your heart anyway).  I had to support you.  I doubt seriously if I would have given you a different response, but knowing that I promised to support you 100% knowing you were heading into danger is a difficult thing for a mom to do, but I know I did the right thing, it's just hard to see on days like today.


I have never loved anyone or anything like I love you.  It's a different kind of love that only a parent to a child, especially a mom and her son, than any other love a person can have. 


I will miss you and long for you until I take my last breath.  I will never let you be forgotten (that's impossible).  If heaven had visiting hours I would over stay my welcome.  I love you son and I miss you in the most painful way that no words could ever truly describe.  I'm also so very proud of the young man you became and I would give anything in this world to just see how your life would be today.  I know that isn't possible so I will just have to wait until I join you one day, but get ready, because when I start hugging you I won't stop for a while and I won't care if we are on the parade deck or not. 


Eternally broken hearted and sad without you.



WHY?

I know, you aren't really supposed to ask why, but good grief!  Why does it seem like some people can't catch a freaking break?  I get that the Lord allows us to experience trails and tribulations for a reason and we may never know that reason until we get to heaven and let's face it, by then we won't care.
However, that doesn't change the fact that you have so many good people out there fighting fights that feel impossible to win, but you know they will and then you add insult to injury by adding additional hardship.  Why?
Why do parents lose children, why do young people get cancer, why do some people that may not be living the best life seem to just breeze through life always come out smelling like a rose and those trying to do right can't seem to catch a break.
I don't know the answers to any of this and the good Lord knows I wish I did, but that's not possible.
What I do know is if you know someone or have a loved one going through trials and tribulations and can't seem to catch a break do something.  It doesn't have to be much.  Maybe just a card or a letter or phone call or text that  you are thinking of them.  Even if you can't physically do something for them or be there, at least reach out however you can and let them know they are not alone.


Right now I have a sister battling breast cancer and she is only 50 years old.  While that is older than my youngest sister who battled and won her fight against breast cancer in her 30's, it still sucks.  It seems like if it's not one thing going on with them it's another and it's not just her or them personally, it's loved ones around them that are feeling impacts of what feels like injustice.  I know they will come through all this stronger and better than when they started, but please Lord, look down and have mercy on my sister and her family.  Surround them all in peace and comfort and show them the light is near for this journey to come to an end.
I know there is likely a lesson to be learned somewhere in all this, but it sure would be nice if they could catch a break at some point and soon. 


Thank you Lord Jesus and I truly am trying not to ask WHY, but today is a hard day and I'm struggling not asking that question.  I lay it in your hands. 

Braving Chemo along Selfie ---  You've got this sis!





Only When I Breathe

I miss you and feel this huge hole in my heart and feel like I am drowning in sorrow, only when I am breathing. 
It is a pain and heartache like I have never felt or imagined I could feel.
December 1, 2019 will mark 9 years since you left this earth and I can honestly say that I feel no different today than I did that day.  Sure, I fake it when I am around other people and make it through each day working and taking care of Tebo and daddy best I can as well as maintaining the house, but I can tell you that not only is it a struggle 24/7 365, but it is truly exhausting.  It's a kind of exhaustion that you can't really put into words and until you have lived through the loss of your child, and in my case my only child, you can never know how this feels.
I put my feet on the floor every day and do what is expected of me, because I really do not have another option, but it is so difficult and I know I don't do well probably more days than I do, but I continue to try.
I'm not sure I will ever not feel this way, but I continue to push through the best I can.  It's just my hope that one day it will become possible for me to retire at Tyson and focus on Tebo, daddy and my own heart healing rather than put on this fake face everyday.  I'm not sure when I will get that chance, but I pray daily that it is sooner than later. 
I miss you, son.  That feels like such an understatement.  I miss you so desperately that I literally and physically hurt.





Long days

We all have long days and sometimes they are long for different reasons.  Today was an exhausting day, but somehow we still managed to laugh and have a good time.  It started with leaving the house just before 6:00 am to sign daddy in at the hospital for a stress test and ultrasound.  Of course, in "Tami & Daddy" fashion we were about 30 minutes early.  We got all signed in and got him started for our 4 to 5 hour visit.  I did some work for work while he was in the back and shut it down when he came back out.  This went back and forth about every 30 minutes to up to an hour at a time.  During this time an older lady came in with a 9 week old baby girl and the nurse was pushing the stroller for her.  She looked like she was struggling so I decided to go over and tell her if she needed any help that I would be happy to help her.  The next statement wasn't what I was expecting, but again, she didn't know me.  She said, "you don't have a prison record do you?"  I said, no ma'am.  She then informed me that, that was her foster baby and she would welcome the help.  They called her back and I took the baby.  I was holding her and she got fussy, but I kept rocking her and she went to sleep.  Her foster mom, Ms. Susie, came back out and you could tell she was frustrated and out of whack if you will.  Turns out she was having a stress test as well and the IV they put in them was radioactive and she couldn't be around the baby for at least 3 hours after her system was clear of all the medication.  She frantically started calling around, but said she has only lived here 6 weeks and didn't know anyone.  I said well, I will help where I can, but since daddy had the same medication the baby couldn't be around him either.  So I sat across from daddy and kept rocking the baby while she slept.  About an hour or so later Ms. Susie came back out and her friend showed up to take the baby.  I walked down with her still holding this sleeping little girl until we met up with her friend and then off they went.  Just as we got back to the waiting room she realized she sent the baby off with her ID and wallet.  We laughed and she said it would be fine. 
Once she went back for her longer visit back daddy came out and was talking to an Army Veteran.  Daddy went back for his last 20 minute visit back and the Army Veteran kept me company.  Kept me a lot company.  LOL!
Once daddy was all done and we were fixing to leave Ms. Susie came out and asked me to put her number in my phone and text her so she would have mine in case she needed help with the baby again.  :) 
I did that and daddy and I were on our way.  I took him to the Cracker Barrel for lunch and as we were waiting on our meal I realized, oh no!  If Ms. Susie sent her friend home with the baby and her wallet and ID then where were her car keys.  I text her while we were having lunch and asked about her keys, but as of 3:00 this afternoon I haven't gotten a response from her.  I can only hope that Ms. Susie and baby Darby were reunited quickly and smoothly.  For the record, I have to say, I did enjoy holding that sweet little girl and rocking her to sleep.  Makes me sad that our current grandbaby is so far away. 
It's funny how just sitting in the waiting room at the hospital you can get connected with total strangers and hopefully help someone in the process. 
Oh, and Ms. Susie is 72 years old and recently single and still fosters babies.  How amazing is that?  It definitely made me feel a bit inadequate when it comes to doing good deeds.  She is a pretty great person to do what she does and now doing this alone.  She has been a foster mom for more than 34 years.  Simply amazing.  My hat is off to you Ms. Susie and baby Darby is a lucky little girl to have you caring for (& spoiling) her until a family relative can get the adoption process completed.  The world could use more Ms. Susie's.
We are tired, but grateful.  Daddy did good and we have made a long day a great day.  Lots of laughter during the waiting and during lunch.  Now just a little resting at home before starting dinner. 
Life is good even on long days.

At Chad's wedding

Daddy "texting" in the waiting room, because Stacy and I were texting. (LOL)



Exactly How I Feel Most Days...

This song could not describe how I feel, only when I am breathing....




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2F0h19plCQ


Drowning by Chris Young.



GUILT

Guilt is a powerful thing and I believe even more so when you are a people pleaser.  I'm struggling with a lot of guilt towards literally everything in my life right now.
Having moved daddy into our house with us has been a huge blessing and I am so grateful to take care of him.  He spent nearly 18 years taking care of me so the least I can do is take care of him now. 
However, doing this I am finding it very hard to balance marriage, daddy, work, house chores, friends, basically everything.
I feel guilty that I don't feel I am putting my husband first.  It's not that he has said anything to me, it's all me feeling this way.  He might be feeling neglected, but he has not verbalized it (yet). 
I feel guilty that I don't have my at least one day a week to go the cemetery to have my quiet time to think about my son.  Any day that I seem to have a few minutes that I could do that either the weather isn't cooperating or I feel guilty about leaving my desk at lunch.
I feel guilty that I'm not giving daddy enough of my time although it feels like that is all I do when I am with him.  I feel guilty dropping him off to another caregiver so I can go to the office.
I feel guilty that I may not be giving work 100% of what they need from me right now.
I do know that eventually we will find a good routine and a lot of this will iron itself out, but until then the heaviness of this guilt feels like more than I can bear at times. 
I've been made to feel guilty for working from home when someone thinks I should be in the office and then I feel guilty when I do go to the office, because not all mornings does daddy understand it isn't Saturday and I should be home.
I don't know how to balance all this yet.  I do know that it will come and I will figure it out, but I have to admit, my shoulders feel very heavy right now and when I feel I have let someone down or disappointed them just absolutely tears me up from the inside out.  I can't think, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't focus.  I feel paralyzed in my mind and in my heart when that happens.  Well, last night and today that is exactly how I feel and it takes a lot for me some days to pull myself out of that place. 
I will, but it takes a lot for it to happen....  Until a better day I suppose.